Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I've not even put a ring on your finger yet!" - Aibu to find this controlling??

165 replies

Sundaysomeday · 09/02/2014 06:02

So dp and I have agreed to get married. More for my sake although he reckons he's excited about it too. We picked my engagement ring together although I agreed to let him give me it on valentines day as he'd supposedly been planning to do. Well I regret agreeing to this because he keeps using it against me whenever I talk about wedding plans. We're getting married next summer and already have the venue in mind yet depending on his mood, if I try and discuss it with him he says "I've not even put a ring on your finger yet". This is so controlling isn't it?! We argued last night and I told him if he says it one more time I'll put the bloody thing on my own finger. He doesn't get to "be in charge" of it. So pissed off. And he said I was being "dense" regarding some of the things I was bringing up (like how we'll pay for the wedding!! What's dense about that??)

OP posts:
cuttingpicassostoenails · 09/02/2014 06:05

Oh dear...in your position I would be rethinking the whole engagement thing.

JazzAnnNonMouse · 09/02/2014 06:13

Why do you want to marry him?

HungryHorace · 09/02/2014 06:15

At least you've found out now, before that or the wedding ring is on your finger. It can only get worse.

Run, run for the hills!

DaddyPigsMistress · 09/02/2014 06:20

He sounds like a gem.

Dump him, flog ring, move on.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/02/2014 06:29

I thinkmengagements always have the potential for some sort of control. It's not an equal partnership thing is it?
Man adores woman and wants to "take her" to be his wife. Buys ring, gets down on bended knee... Etc....
Personally i think that's romantic but it needs to happen with the right man who can "handle" all that power Grin without being an arse.

Do you believe he wants to marry?
Because your op reminds me of my dear friend, who "talked her DP into marriage" and is now enduring life with an arse who clearly considers himself unfairly shackled to the wrong woman rather than living the life of a playboy, which he was clearly entitled to

LettertoHermioneGranger · 09/02/2014 06:40

Is it possible it's very important to him to have the big proposal and be officially engaged? I don't really see the controlling behavior here. He's not saying he's going to not propose, right? It's less than a week away. Imo, you sound like the controlling one in this situation. He had a plan to propose, and you had him essentially agree to marry without his proposing, picked out your own ring, and now you won't respect his plans to have a special proposal as you won't wait a week before going all out with wedding plans.

Calm down with the planning, or ffs keep it to yourself, give him a chance to do the special official proposal he had planned. You seem to be making all the decisions and not letting him have a say in this engagement.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 09/02/2014 06:44

He is basically telling you to shut up about the wedding, why are you banging in about it when you haven't even gotten officially engaged yet.
I don't really get all this we are planning on getting engaged, we've bought the ring and now waiting for him to do it. Either your engaged or your not.

Coumarin · 09/02/2014 06:49

I'm with Love and Letter on this one. I don't see the controlling behaviour the other posters are seeing, at all. He's wanting to be officially engaged before starting the wedding plans. Maybe he has something planned. Calm down.

TheSumofUs · 09/02/2014 06:50

This is not controlling behavior

This is him being annoyed at you

And everything Letter said

Aussiemum78 · 09/02/2014 06:54

I think you are starting bridezilla early!

It's not really "popping the question" if the person you ask has dictated the ring, the date, the wedding venue already - you make it sound forced and unromantic.

ivanapoo · 09/02/2014 06:59

I agreed to let him give me it on valentines day as he'd supposedly been planning to do

Wow how magnanimous of you...

He had something PLANNED and you've totally taken the wind out of his sails.

As letter said just relax about the wedding already. You will bore yourself and everyone else silly talking about it for the next 18 months so why not give yourself a bit of a break now before you're formally engaged?

Madamecastafiore · 09/02/2014 07:00

I agreed to let him give it to me on valentines day.

Really??

Where is he being controlling here??

MellowAutumn · 09/02/2014 07:02

You sound a pita

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 09/02/2014 07:08

You're being more controlling than him, OP.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 09/02/2014 07:08

Poor op. some of these responses are harsh.
Of course she's excited about the wedding.
Only on MN is being cool about everything so important.
And he suggested proposing on valentines day, she agreed. I don't see how that makes her controlling tbh.

He doesn't want to listen to wedding talk.
Is that a problem?

Op?

PostHocErgoPropterHoc · 09/02/2014 07:18

LoveBeing - they've agreed to get married, therefore they are engaged, therefore she can talk about the wedding. He wants to keep the ring as a gift for Valentine's day, that's fine, but it does sound like he wants the pretence of a big proposal, and it being his decision to make still whether it happens or not. He has agreed to get married, he either meant it or not. If he didn't mean it then he should talk about his doubts with the OP like a grownup. If he did mean it, but just wants to dangle the threat of not proposing (which is what I take from "I've not even put a ring on your finger yet", because otherwise that ring on her finger is meaningless), then he also has to grow up.

On the other side, I would dread 15+ months of wedding chatter. But then again, it is not 'dense' to discuss the budget before starting on plans.

daisychain01 · 09/02/2014 07:54

We argued last night and I told him if he says it one more time I'll put the bloody thing on my own finger. Maybe if he says it one more time, he can shove his ring where the sun don't shine!

Just from what you describe, about him calling you 'dense' talking about finances...wtaf!

Agreed, I know in RL that blokes just don't do all the jumping up and down with excitement. So maybe he feels its a bit "too much too soon" but he could just get into the spirit a bit , because it makes you happy.

Probably I'm on the fence on this, I can see it from both points of view. I dont think you are being bridezilla, just because you are happy about getting married.

Maybe just do a bit of your own research on t'internet, get a few early ideas about costs and timescales, then broach the subject in more detail with him when its around 1 year or 9 months to go, thats normally when venues need to be booked.

But don't stop being excited, thats the bride's prerogative! And bollox to old misery guts

lastnightIwenttoManderley · 09/02/2014 08:00

I'm not seeing the controlling side here either

To be honest, it sounds like he was planning to do it at some point but that the OP has preempted it by talking about it and they're now in this 'we agreed to get engaged state' Poor guy probably had something lovely planned for the OP and has had the wind taken out of his sails. If the 'talking about getting marred' thing renders them engaged in some eyes then his proposal becomes slightly redundant! Sounds to me like he's just a romantic who wants a lovely moment to remember and that the OP runs the risk of taking that away. He's just trying to preserve wedding talk until after that, to make sure its not a pointless event.

I'd say cut him some slack, you have no idea how long he's been planning this.

To use a wedding analogy, its a bit like getting engaged then nipping down to the registry office the next day, as that gets the wedding bit sorted as you decided, before saving for a big party a year later. Presumably you want something a bit more than just a marriage certificate so accept that he would like a proper proposal.

PotteringAlong · 09/02/2014 08:00

I agree. He's not controlling, he's pissed off. You're not even engaged yet and you're trying to have detailed conversations about weddings.

Chill out woman!

Squiffyagain · 09/02/2014 08:02

He calls you dense and there is a possibility that he is getting married for your sake. You want to push through wedding plans and he's not interested. And you are arguing about it repeatedly.

Doesn't sound like either of you are ready for it TBH.

Logg1e · 09/02/2014 08:06

If they've got a date and venue for the wedding, I'd say they're engaged.

This doesn't sound controlling to me, this sounds like a man who doesn't want to marry you I'm afraid.

LittleBearPad · 09/02/2014 08:08

This doesn't seem like the best way to get engaged. Is there any joy in it?

Why not wait until after Friday to discuss plans. I don't think he's being controlling. You are though.

MaryWestmacott · 09/02/2014 08:11

Hmm, you haven't actually had the "engagement" you planned, you aren't looking to get married for 15 months and you have mentioned on venue how many times? Op, have you turned into a wedding bore already?

It's easy to do, if you are excited About planning it, but he's not at the planning wedding stage and you keep talking about it, not just mention once, you say repeatedly.

Do you roughly know your budgets? Can you work it out yourself? What can you afford from savings and what could you reasonably expect to save between now and then? Would your family offer any help?

Do a list of who you think should be the most important people there, then a b list of others you like to have but not vital. Price up things like flowers, photographers, cakes etc lots I wedding magazines have lists of average spend you can use as a template. None of this needs to be mentioned to your DP now.

After valentines day, show him what you've worked out, see of he agrees with budgets you've set, then start calling venues to set up viewings of that are in your budget per head.

Just picking a venue first, without having a list of numbers or an idea of your budget is a really silly way to do it.

Oh and op, some men like wedding planning and find it exciting, some find it a boring chore. If your DP is in the latter category, he will not get all excited with you no matter how much you want him too, this doesn't mean he doesn't want to get married, it just means he doesn't want to arrange a wedding. You are going to have a very stressful 15 months if you keep trying to get him excited about the planning of a wedding, and constant going on about it might spoil his actual excitement about marrying you.

austenozzy · 09/02/2014 08:16

agree with others saying you sound a bit bridezilla. ease up a bit or he might decide that marrying you is more trouble than it's worth. poor bloke sounds like he's. a bit 'deer in the headlights' and is scared by the prospect of 15 months of wedding 'discussions' where his only input is bundles of cash! how romantic!

scaevola · 09/02/2014 08:18

I think he sounds pissed off.

If he was planning something special for St Valentine's Day, that's probably all spoiled now.

He's probably never onto care as much about the minutiae of wedding planning as OP and doesn't want it dominating the net 18 months.

But, OP, if this is the tip off a controlling ice-berg (as opposed to short shrift to bridezilla) then break it off now