"I've not even put a ring on your finger yet!" - Aibu to find this controlling??

[Sundaysomeday]

So dp and I have agreed to get married. More for my sake although he reckons he's excited about it too. We picked my engagement ring together although I agreed to let him give me it on valentines day as he'd supposedly been planning to do. Well I regret agreeing to this because he keeps using it against me whenever I talk about wedding plans. We're getting married next summer and already have the venue in mind yet depending on his mood, if I try and discuss it with him he says "I've not even put a ring on your finger yet". This is so controlling isn't it?! We argued last night and I told him if he says it one more time I'll put the bloody thing on my own finger. He doesn't get to "be in charge" of it. So pissed off. And he said I was being "dense" regarding some of the things I was bringing up (like how we'll pay for the wedding!! What's dense about that??)

Any man who called me "dense" would not be my partner any longer. Unless sincere apologies followed.

Also, I don't understand why you're not allowed to talk about wedding plans when you are already engaged. A year is not far away in terms of booking a venue (or so I've heard).

True. I still think it's a bit off though.

if that wedding is in 2015 you are pushing your luck, because if you go on like this he will be long gone.

It is a one-day party. Do get a life.

Couldn't agree with ladygardener more!

apprehensiveguy welcome!

if that wedding is in 2015 you are pushing your luck, because if you go on like this he will be long gone. It is a one-day party. Do get a life.

^^ this !

OP I think you should have explained a bit more. It sounds like you are the same person who posted about shopping for rings last Friday?

If so, you should have made it clear on here that it is him that wants the big ceremony, not you.

However, although you both talked and agreed you both wanted to get married, he did not consider himself engaged. He dragged his heels about getting a ring and now, he still does not consider himself engaged as he hasn't given you the ring that you both chose.

The big problem is that you are both looking at this from completely different angles and don't seem to be able to communicate with each other.

I said on your last thread that you need to be able to talk.

You want to get married. He has agreed to get married but does not seem as keen.

You consider yourself already engaged. He does not.

You don't want a big wedding. He does.

You wanted to get a ring last Friday. He just wanted to look at rings.

You did not need a proposal. He wanted to propose.

You want to talk about the wedding. He does not.

You are getting frustrated with him. He is calling you dense.

This is not basis for the start of a marriage. You both need to take it right back and go over these discrepancies and talk about why you feel the way you do and the best way forward.

Apart from him wanting a big ceremony, everything points towards him not actually wanting to get married to you. The big wedding might be a delaying tactic on his part, but he really needs to be honest with you about what he really wants, and you need to listen to him.

Having said all that, if you are not the same poster, just ignore me because I'm talking out of my arse

Well said apprehensive. OP may still be putting her toys back in the pram.

It sounds more to me like he just isn't interested in the actual wedding plans - it seems too far away and he's meh about it.

Very much like when my DD starts yapping on about her next birthday the day after the one she's just had, and i start saying 'we'll see nearer the time, darling'

Well depending on the wedding & where you live, getting a church & venue organised can be hard.

I don't blame OP for wanting to look into that.

They have decided to marry.

What's the problem with looking into places?

Forgot to say, if he's not interested yet/at all in plans, he could at least be polite about it!

This has got to be the most joyless and least romantic situation ever. He agreed to marry you and you told him when to propose and with what. Way to go OP. No wonder the guy has lost all enthusiasm. Why don't you let him actually propose before you start talking about the wedding venue?

I can see that he might feel a bit rushed and want to propose 'properly', which isn't necessarily controlling but calling you dense is really rude. I would want to tell him that was unacceptable and ask him what he meant. Does he mean you are dense to have missed the point that he wants to propose first or dense to have missed the point that he doesn't really want to get married yet? It sounds like you have different expectations but you need to make sure you are both on the same page about wanting to get married. Hold off on discussing the details of the wedding until you have worked out whether you are both ready for it because it's not the wedding that's important, it's the marriage.

"No wonder the guy has lost all enthusiasm."

I think more of a case of never was enthusiastic!

Sounds soooo romantic and spontanious (sp)

I dont think hes being controlling at all, just telling you to tame it down.

Also has he got ANY control over this?

Also has he got ANY control over this? >>> this! He probably regrets agreeing to marry her now.

Think it's unfair to be critical of someone wanting to make plans just because the wedding is over a year away.
The wedding will not plan itself.
Surely everyone has an idea of what they might want their wedding to be like. If you want a particular venue/ dress/ guest list/ menu/ band then these things need to be discussed, chosen and booked in advance.
You can't just wait until 2 weeks before the date and get what you want.

Of course you can't wait until 2 weeks before the wedding to start planning, but you can surely wait 1 week for the guy to actually propose. She still has a year and a half after that to get what she wants for the wedding.

He has already proposed though Piglet. Why else would they be discussing their wedding? They have agreed to marry, they are engaged.

When we got engaged, we went to a shop bought a very nice, thank you DH ring, I put it on and that was it. No proposal or big gesture. Although I did walk around like a puppy with a sore paw for several days

I'm not sure that'd suit everyone, but it sure beats all this faux surprise surrounding a ring that's already been bought complete with big gesture proposal weekend. It just seems to never meet expectation.

Back to you OP two choices really, chill out or spend the next 18 months ranting.

I haven't read the whole thread.

I don't think it sounds controlling, the sentence you said. I know that it annoyed me when we were engaged and DH kept referring to me as "my wife" or "Mrs X" because I felt he was skipping ahead and spoiling it before we actually got to that stage. Plus I wanted to enjoy the stage we were in rather than rushing ahead too.

But, it also comes across like he's feeling a bit rushed in general and he doesn't want to get engaged/married yet, perhaps he's a bit unsure, in which case you really should give him more time (assuming that you've not been together for 20 years and are 40 waiting to TTC or something)

Also really not keen on the "dense" comment - that just sounds mean and is a red flag.

Don't mention the wedding again.
Let him have his big proposal on valentines day. Nice meal? Champagne? Etc.
Then tell him you'll think about it and give him an answer at Easter.

I think you should talk to him about it, actually. If he's reluctant then it might be better to leave things. But if you leave things and nothing happens then you're left wondering what is going on.

Just ask him, what is his actual feeling about the wedding, what is his problem with talking about it, does he want to do it and what does he envisage as the plan?

If you can't have this conversation then, really, don't marry him.

Fairenuff maybe in his mind he hasn't proposed yet and he is waiting for Valentine's day to do it before they start planning.