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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I've not even put a ring on your finger yet!" - Aibu to find this controlling??

165 replies

Sundaysomeday · 09/02/2014 06:02

So dp and I have agreed to get married. More for my sake although he reckons he's excited about it too. We picked my engagement ring together although I agreed to let him give me it on valentines day as he'd supposedly been planning to do. Well I regret agreeing to this because he keeps using it against me whenever I talk about wedding plans. We're getting married next summer and already have the venue in mind yet depending on his mood, if I try and discuss it with him he says "I've not even put a ring on your finger yet". This is so controlling isn't it?! We argued last night and I told him if he says it one more time I'll put the bloody thing on my own finger. He doesn't get to "be in charge" of it. So pissed off. And he said I was being "dense" regarding some of the things I was bringing up (like how we'll pay for the wedding!! What's dense about that??)

OP posts:
JodieGarberJacob · 09/02/2014 08:19

These threads seem to want the man in control (HE'S going to propose, HE'S going to give me the ring etc) yet it's not ok when the man actually takes control. Why do people need to get engaged? Are you not allowed to talk about a wedding until that day? I really hope my teenage dds just get married without all this traditional bollocks. Or just live together like their parents.

austenozzy · 09/02/2014 08:21

mary, you appear to be telling op to organise the whole thing behind his back. he may want her to stop banging on, but is doesnt mean he's entirely uninterested. should she just present him with a bundle of invoices six months before the big day?

LimitedEditionLady · 09/02/2014 08:50

What i think from the situation is that he just wants to do things in the usual order so he wants things to start progressing with plans after you have officially sealed the deal with a ring.He might think you are being controlling by running straight in with plans, no offence meant but try and relax about it sounds like its already consuming your life...

FutTheShuckUp · 09/02/2014 08:53

Bloody hell. He agreed to get married. You agreed to him proposing. Sounds like the stuff of fairy tales HmmHmmHmm

LindyHemming · 09/02/2014 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DarlingGrace · 09/02/2014 08:58

More for my sake although he reckons he's excited about it too

He doesnt want to marry you, you're the one doing the pushing. I think you should both take a step back. in his shoes \all I would be hearing would be "blah blah wedding blah blah napkins blah blah bridesmaids", so yes, I would quite likely come out with something like "you havent even got the ring yet" to get you to back off and wind it in a bit.

Carry on like that Op, and there won't be a wedding.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/02/2014 09:03

Maybe he just feels the next bit is a nice romantic proposal and he wants some space to do that (as a nice thing for you both) on Valentine's day ?
As that's only a week away can you not put any wedding planning on hold until after then?
Just see how you feel after the 14th ?
All the best to you both Thanks

MadIsTheNewNormal · 09/02/2014 09:04

Someone is being very controlling here, but it's not him.

And if you don't back off a bit, there probably won't be wedding at all.

diddl · 09/02/2014 09:04

He doesn't want to get married, does he?

When you finally got around to getting a ring together he came up with some shit as to why you can't have it straightaway.

And you're not even getting married until next summer??

Why ??

How old are you & how long have you been together?

MaryWestmacott · 09/02/2014 09:06

Autenozzy - no, but he's not interesting in discussing the planning stage yet, but she really really wants to - so go ahead, start not just whittering on about it and move on to actually doing somethign constructive.

Of course, he probably wants to wait until you officially annouced it to see if either set of parents offer you funds towards the wedding (unless he already has been unofficially told he could expect money from his parents).

OP - channel your excitment in to planning, but don't keep on and on about this super exciting venue and wanting to talk details yet.

I started this way and realised that DH had no idea about the list of everything that needed to be done, I resorted to spreadsheets. He had no idea why a wedding could cost £20k, "because it's just a big party" well, yes, but it's £X for flowers, £X for photographer, £X for cars, £x per head for meals (x by the number of guests we were going to invite), £x for registrar, £x for cake, £x for bridesmaids outfits, £x for suit hire for groom/groomsmen etc. once he'd seen that he could see how it can be that much and work out where we could save money, and work out how we set our budgets.

Sometimes the person who's really excited and really wants to get on with organising right this second needs to channel that bounciness into something contructive, otherwise you risk just being bloody inrritating and talking constaintly about something that's not going to happen for over a year.

ie. being organised is fine, being laid back is fine, being a wedding bore is not.

SavoyCabbage · 09/02/2014 09:10

I think it's possible that he just doesn't want to hear about all this stuff over a year in advance. In his mind, you aren't engaged. Although I don't understand planning to get engaged. As far as he is concerned you have jumped ahead a step. Like buying baby clothes when you aren't pregnant.

I think you have jumped the gun by getting the ring and changed the natural order or events. You should have shopped for it together afterwards. How did you know he was going to propose?

LEMmingaround · 09/02/2014 09:10

are you the one that was going on about going out on the friday to look at the ring? but you were insisting on buying it? Either way - back the fuck off - the wedding, is next year - i am pretty damn sure he doesn't want to spend the next year looking at table schemes, cake samples and swatches. seriously - if you want there to be a wedding, give the poor guy some space - he probably thinks his girlfriend has been replaced by a controlling alien

FutTheShuckUp · 09/02/2014 09:12

I know someone who bought her dress and booked the venue before a proposal

MaryWestmacott · 09/02/2014 09:13

And I don't think waiting 15 months is a sign he's never going to marry you, I think wanting a May wedding is fine, wanting to do it in May 2014 would be cutting it a bit fine and very stressful - plus hardly any time to save for it. OP, was it you or him who picked May 2015?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 09/02/2014 09:16

I agree with scaevola. I honestly can't tell whether he's being controlling or you're being a bridezilla here.

But I think he has a point - if you've agreed he's giving you the ring on Valentines Day - then perhaps stop talking about dates/venues until then. What he said, on the face of it, doesn't sound controlling to me. It sounds exasperated because he hasn't given you the ring yet, and you're going on about the details of the wedding already. You need to back right off here.

I have a very low tolerance for controlling men and bridezillas tbh.

curlew · 09/02/2014 09:17

So you've agreed that he will propose on Friday? How on earth does that work?

MaryWestmacott · 09/02/2014 09:18

FutTheShuckUp - I know a couple where they got engaged on a Friday night. By the Sunday afternoon, the bride to be had set the date (a year later), booked the church, the venue, the caterers, set up tastings for the food, booked the band and booked the photographer, had lined up appointments to look at wedding dresses asked the bridesmaids and set up a date for them to all go bridesmaid dress shopping. She'd have had the cake sorted but the cake maker she wanted to use was on holiday.

By the sunday night the groom had told his parents and a couple of his mates.

It was a running joke that she had her wedding all planned for years and the only variable allowed was the groom! It did feel like she's already taken all the decisions and was just waiting for the proposal to put this well thought out wedding plan into action. (It did feel a bit like the groom was a guest at his own wedding)

GTA5MASTER · 09/02/2014 09:21

Oh dear op you are a wedding bore already and you are not even engaged yet :-/
If I were you I would shut up before HE changes his mind!

curlew · 09/02/2014 09:22

But she is engaged!!

Electryone · 09/02/2014 09:23

Im another one who doesn't get all this agreeing to propose etc, so regimented and over planned.

WhatAFeline · 09/02/2014 09:23

It sounds like a clash of approaches, to me.

He wants a gesture in which he is a romantic hero. You want practicalities in which you have grown up discussion about your shared future.

You need to find the right time and way to communicate which meets both these needs. ( I'm not sure).

I have a problem with the way he is expressing his frustration, the thing about the ring on your finger.....it just sounds as if he thinks he is doing you a favour.

I don't think he is necessarily being controlling, but I worry he hasn't got a grown up perspective on marriage.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor · 09/02/2014 09:24

Well this all bodes very well for your marriage! (You do know you will have to, like, be married after The Wedding?)

MadIsTheNewNormal · 09/02/2014 09:26

I think planning a proposal is ridiculous. If you have already agreed to get married jointly and it is no surprise to either of you then clearly there is no need for a proposal. Confused

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 09/02/2014 09:26

I genuinely think this might be the most split aibu I've ever seen.

Aibu?
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.

Brilliant. I hate the ones where everyone agrees.

WhatAFeline · 09/02/2014 09:27

Although Mary Ws post above is kind of the opposite of mine, I think it is very plausible, too. Perhaps DP just wants to enjoy the moment with you, and rushing to practicalities makes him feel a bit flat.

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