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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I've not even put a ring on your finger yet!" - Aibu to find this controlling??

165 replies

Sundaysomeday · 09/02/2014 06:02

So dp and I have agreed to get married. More for my sake although he reckons he's excited about it too. We picked my engagement ring together although I agreed to let him give me it on valentines day as he'd supposedly been planning to do. Well I regret agreeing to this because he keeps using it against me whenever I talk about wedding plans. We're getting married next summer and already have the venue in mind yet depending on his mood, if I try and discuss it with him he says "I've not even put a ring on your finger yet". This is so controlling isn't it?! We argued last night and I told him if he says it one more time I'll put the bloody thing on my own finger. He doesn't get to "be in charge" of it. So pissed off. And he said I was being "dense" regarding some of the things I was bringing up (like how we'll pay for the wedding!! What's dense about that??)

OP posts:
LEtranger · 09/02/2014 23:11

Sorry not what that

Bogeyface · 09/02/2014 23:12

He said he was already planning on proposing valentines day. She's stole his thunder

How? The proposal has been made and accepted (from the OP to him actually!). So why does their need to be a faux proposal? Their doesnt. And he only came up with the Valentines idea AFTER the OP said that she wanted to announce it straight away. He has delayed and delayed all the way along.

I dont think he wants to get married, but is doing the bare minimum to keep the OP sweet.

Bogeyface · 09/02/2014 23:14

Agree LET as if she is only worth having if a man decides she is!

There was a thread on here a few years back where the OP proposed and he said no on the basis that he did want to get married to her, but he wanted to do the proposing. So she waited and waited. When she posted it had been something silly like 2 years since she proposed. The overwhelming consensus was that he didnt actually want to marry her. I cant remember what happened, but I hope she dumped him!

wispa31 · 09/02/2014 23:33

Just read more of thread. Didnt see other one thats been mentioned. If hes just delaying and trying to shut you up then fuck him off. Again i really dont get why women hang on and hang on knowing deep down its not what he wants.
Why bother?? Seriously, why?? Probs easy for me to say but sounds like you might need to shed a few pounds (him). Better doing it now before you do go spending your money and booking stuff. And then him telling you the night before or leaving you at the altar. no i dont watch the soaps. At all. None..

BillyBanter · 09/02/2014 23:54

If me and my partner had agreed to get married and he wanted to do the proposal thing on a date in 2 weeks time I think I'd manage to shut the fuck up for 2 weeks. It's not going to make a difference to the organisation of a wedding 15 months away.

You're getting things your way if you're getting married more for your sake so can't he have this one thing his way. I don't think it is him being controlling. Your relationship can wait a week, surely. If you shut up about it and he doesn't propose on Valentines, then start worrying that he is delaying.

That said if you're clashing already maybe you should step back and have a rethink.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 10/02/2014 06:03

She does know what he wants, hexwants to do a big stylee proposal. He wants her to stfu because he wants to do it 'properly'. He wanted it to go so well he let her pick the ring.

Op please just stop it's only for a few fucking days, if you don't he might decide not to do it fri in order to 'surprise' you another day.

JupiterGentlefly · 10/02/2014 06:36

I have often wondered how the buying of ring and proposing later works.
I think clam summed it up.
Some friends I know did this. Waited until her birthday. Hardly a romantic surprise!

Does anyone remember Charlotte begging Harry to marry her in SATC

TheRealAmandaClarke · 10/02/2014 06:47

OP?

You ok?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 10/02/2014 07:54

Bogeyface and letranger are right.

People are really advising the op to shut the fuck up? Oh purleassse. That's the most stupid advice for a grown woman I can imagine.

skinoncustard · 10/02/2014 08:09

If you get engaged it's supposed to be- a couple in love, wanting to spend their life together, telling the world that this is the person I want to marry, NOT a tick box exercise, man- tick, ring- tick, wedding- tick. You are NOT engaged yet, and you are already arranging a wedding. Where is your fun, excitement, etc in the engagement. No wonder he is pissed off , I would be very careful if you dont want him to run a mile. ( do you actually love him, or do you love the wedding idea ??? )

Fairenuff · 10/02/2014 08:32

Why are they not engaged custard?

Is it because they haven't done the 'ring - tick'?

And he didn't actually have a big day planned. He told OP he wanted to propose 'soon'. OP was going to wait until the end of February before mentioning it again but lots of posters were suggesting Valentine's Day as the obvious time.

He didn't even want to get the ring, he wanted to go shopping to 'just look'. He is not treating her as an adult with equal say in the matter, that's the problem

She asked him, he said yes. They are engaged, ring or not.

I agree with the idea of just accepting the ring, calmly and politely but just putting it to one side and carrying on with your conversation. He is expecting the big 'oooh, a ring! A proposal, an actual proposal for me!! I can't believe it!'

Don't give him the satisfaction.

Personally, I would really have to tell him how disappointed I was and I would definitely be having second thoughts.

And if you do go ahead with it, put your foot down about the big ceremony. Just imagine what a nightmare that is going to be, trying to organise something you don't actually want with no interest from him.

He's all for show isn't he?

Fairenuff · 13/02/2014 20:22

How's it going OP? Tomorrow is the big proposal isn't it. What are your plans?

sunshinemmum · 13/02/2014 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/02/2014 09:07

Hello sunday
Stay cool Wink

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/02/2014 09:09

Well if you want to book a particular popular venue then 5 weeks simply isn't feasible is it? Some aes are hooked up years in advance.
Why is it not possible to imagine that whilst one wedding can be organised in 10 minutes and paid for with the contents of a piggy bank, that other people have different arrangements?

noddyholder · 14/02/2014 09:13

I think he is trying to shut you up tbh and stop the wedding chatter before it starts! I don't blame him I find anything to do with weddings excruciatingly boring and I just switch off when I hear it. Doesn't mean he doesn't want marriage btw just that maybe incessant wedding talk isn't his thing?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 14/02/2014 09:36

Hope you have a happy Valentine's Day Sunday Thanks

sunshinemmum · 14/02/2014 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 14/02/2014 16:41

I'm not so sure there is going to be a wedding after all, judging by the lack of posts by the OP.

sunshinemmum · 14/02/2014 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 15/02/2014 14:02

So was there a Valentine's Day proposal or not Sunday?

MBT1987 · 15/02/2014 15:38

Calling Sundaysomeday, come in...

Fairenuff · 05/03/2014 18:39

So, what happened in the end OP? I've been thinking about you, hope you're ok?

stampsurprise · 14/02/2021 14:02

@LettertoHermioneGranger

Is it possible it's very important to him to have the big proposal and be officially engaged? I don't really see the controlling behavior here. He's not saying he's going to not propose, right? It's less than a week away. Imo, you sound like the controlling one in this situation. He had a plan to propose, and you had him essentially agree to marry without his proposing, picked out your own ring, and now you won't respect his plans to have a special proposal as you won't wait a week before going all out with wedding plans.

Calm down with the planning, or ffs keep it to yourself, give him a chance to do the special official proposal he had planned. You seem to be making all the decisions and not letting him have a say in this engagement.

This! Better pacing needed here ❤️
BigFatLiar · 14/02/2021 15:08

I think a lot of people confuse getting married with weddings. Perhaps he wants to get married but isn't relishing the thought of a 'wedding'.