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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"I've not even put a ring on your finger yet!" - Aibu to find this controlling??

165 replies

Sundaysomeday · 09/02/2014 06:02

So dp and I have agreed to get married. More for my sake although he reckons he's excited about it too. We picked my engagement ring together although I agreed to let him give me it on valentines day as he'd supposedly been planning to do. Well I regret agreeing to this because he keeps using it against me whenever I talk about wedding plans. We're getting married next summer and already have the venue in mind yet depending on his mood, if I try and discuss it with him he says "I've not even put a ring on your finger yet". This is so controlling isn't it?! We argued last night and I told him if he says it one more time I'll put the bloody thing on my own finger. He doesn't get to "be in charge" of it. So pissed off. And he said I was being "dense" regarding some of the things I was bringing up (like how we'll pay for the wedding!! What's dense about that??)

OP posts:

wispa31 · 09/02/2014 09:30

Wtf is the point in planning to get engaged?? Another one here who thinks you need to back off. Bigtime. One of my friends announced last week she and her dp are getting married next january. He didnt get to propose, she told him they were getting wed. So.Not.Cool. How could you really know they were marrying you cos they WANT to and not cos you have brow beaten them into it? I dont get women who feel the need to 'convince' their dp to propose. Fair enough to have a discussion about your future together as if you both want different things then whats the point of staying together?
By all means start researching yourself for ideas as you work out your budget, no harm in that, but ffs give the man peace. As pp said, you have no idea what he had planned.

Preciousbane · 09/02/2014 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LastOneDancing · 09/02/2014 09:35

Proposing - even when you already know the answer - is a big symbolic act for some people.

For the sake of 5 days let him have a bit of headspace to think about the enormity what he's about to do, before you put him off overwhelm him with venues, budgets and table settings.

Some people don't multi-task very well. One step at a time hey?

BrownSauceSandwich · 09/02/2014 09:38

Personally I think you got engaged the right way... As an adult discussion followed by a mutual agreement, rather than you sitting round like a Victorian virgin, hoping he might make you an offer on his own terms. The ring has fuck all to do with the engagement. If he bought it out of his own money, then it's his gift to give as he bloody well likes. If you bought it out of joint money, then yes, you also have a say in it. If it turns out to be a sore point, you know you don't actually need a ring at all?

As for the wedding plans, I get that you're excited, but he was obviously excited about the proposal as part of the whole ceremony, and I don't think that's any more unreasonable than having to have the perfect venue/band/guests etc.

clam · 09/02/2014 09:39

So, what's the plan for Friday?

Him: I've got something very important to ask you?
You: (feigns surprise) Really? Whatever can it be?
Him: Will you marry me?
You: (falls over in shock and delight, squealing) What? Really? Woweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! And this beautiful ring! It's EXACTLY what I would have chosen myself.

curlew · 09/02/2014 09:47

If you have agreed to get married, you are engaged. Ridiculous to say you aren't because he hasn't proposed- somebody must who've proposed to someone or you wouldn't have agreed to get married.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 09/02/2014 09:49

A proposal is exactly as pointless as everything else to do with a wedding that isn't saying the vows and signing the forms.

But people like these things to take more than 2 mins 45s, so they get ideas, make plans, get excited. I think you and he are focussing on different areas.

Catsize · 09/02/2014 09:54

Sorry OP, YABU. The wedding isn't for AGES. If it was in three weeks' time, that would be different.
He probably just wants to make it all official before you harp on at him about your wedding plans for months on end. Are you going to allow him any input? Agree with others who've said you sound like bridezilla potential.
And seriously? Controlling? Wow! Grip needed...

Mia4 · 09/02/2014 09:58

I think you are both being controlling. The issue here is you see things as you know there's a ring, you know you are getting married- you are engaged. He sees it as you've had a talk, got a ring so you both know where you are headed but he hasn't done his buy-in the part which is sometimes the only part a groom may play in his own wedding if he is lax/bride controlling- therefore in his eyes you aren't formally engaged yet.

Personally I think you need to back off, the first few weeks after getting engaged are good just to ride the excitement of that before diving in to more excitement. It can be fun, stressful and overwhelming to plan when you add him planning a nice proposal on top its more son. I think yabu to keep going on about all of that before it's had time to sink in especially as he's asked you to only wait a week. If this was moaning weeks after the propsosal then I'd say ywnbu but give yourself time. Are you just really excited and thats making you rush or do you want to rush because you know he's not that bothered about marriage and you are worried that without booking things up he will just prolong the engagement indefinitely?

FreakinScaryCaaw · 09/02/2014 09:59

I'd back right off from wedding talk and not speak of it again.

Dp and I are engaged but I said no to a ring. I was married before and never wore the last one. I'd rather spend the cash on a weekend away tbh. But I know rings are important to most women when they get engaged.

Tbh I think I'm only fancying getting married for the party when we get back. We're planning to go away to marry.

Best of luck to both of you OP. I hope the rest of the relationship is good?

Bonsoir · 09/02/2014 10:01

OP - I expect your DH2B is not particularly thrilled that you seem more interested in the wedding than the marriage.

whatever5 · 09/02/2014 10:04

I don't think that he is being controlling. He just doesn't want to spend his time discussing wedding plans which doesn't seem unreasonable considering that the wedding won't happen for over a year.

clam · 09/02/2014 10:10

Technically, he's right. If you've "agreed to let him" propose on a specific date Valentine's Day-bit cheesy then presumably you think that the ring-on-finger bit is crucial and marks the official start of your engagement. Which means that you're NOT engaged right now, so there's no wedding to plan yet!

TheLightPassenger · 09/02/2014 10:11

hmmmm. Doesn't sounds like the guy is secretly Mr Romantic to me, given he's calling the OP dense when she wants to talk about budgeting for the wedding. I don't think the guy is necessarily controlling, but I'ld be concerned that this lack of enthusiam for discussing the wedding and details isn't just being bored by the nitty gritty of party planning but is down to something more serous, like him just not being all that keen on marrying. No harm though in not talking about it till after the "proposal", given it's just five days, and seeing if his attitude is a touch warmer.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 09/02/2014 10:11

As I said before he does not count them as being engaged. If they ate already planning what's the point in the proposal?

You've both got totally different ideas and plans in your head. You need to get lots of stuff discussed after Friday, but before anything is booked.

formerbabe · 09/02/2014 10:12

It doesn't strike me as being controlling.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 09/02/2014 10:14

clam exactly

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/02/2014 10:17

Two things:

I don't think he's that enthralled about this wedding
Don't marry a man who calls you Dense

And while I'm here:
Enough with all this talk of 'controlling' - it's become the Mumsnet Go-To description for any situation where Person One wants Person Two to do something, and Person Two doesn't. You hear it applied to every disagreement but because He (usually) is now labelled Controlling then that becomes a Big Issue and cause to consider LTB. There's more to Controlling than that.

formerbabe · 09/02/2014 10:23

I actually think the op sounds like the controlling one.

She wants to get married, hermped him choose the ring...in her words 'agreed to let him give it to me on valentines day'...and is now trying to plan the wedding before she has the bring.

I also agree that mn takes the whole 'controlling husband' thing to a new level.

Basically unless you are with a complete wet blanket, sap of a man who let's you do whatever you want and agrees with you entirely then you are in a controlling, abusive relationship and should ltb.

apprehensiveguy · 09/02/2014 10:25

first post on mn (slightly worried about this). Just had to comment because my jaw dropped at the first few responses to the op. I'm worried op will do something she'll regret!

Bloke perspective... when I proposed to my dw, it was a purely emotional thing. I wanted very much to marry her. Frankly I couldn't give a flying stuff about the wedding at that point. I loved her and wanted to marry her--- that was the only important thing to me at that point.

If she had started banging on about organising the wedding (and all unromantic details about money, planning etc) before I'd even got engaged, it would have sent the message to me that she's more concerned about the wedding than she is about marrying ME.

As others have said, you may be just taking the wind out of his sails. Poor guy may just be trying his best to make a romantic gesture.

Please talk to your dp and ignore the 'not another one, dump him' advice.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 09/02/2014 10:32

Enough with all this talk of 'controlling' - it's become the Mumsnet Go-To description for any situation where Person One wants Person Two to do something, and Person Two doesn't. You hear it applied to every disagreement but because He (usually) is now labelled Controlling then that becomes a Big Issue and cause to consider LTB. There's more to Controlling than that.

Oh thank God. I was starting to think it was just me.

Beeyump · 09/02/2014 10:40

at the immediate 'dump him' responses. Seriously?! I think people should consider a bit more before posting stuff like that.

SarahAndFuck · 09/02/2014 10:47

Whole situation sounds a bit of a disaster to me OP.

I have to agree with LadyGardeners on this one.

You say you are getting married "more for you'' than for him and then that he 'reckons' he is excited. To me that is quite telling if you have to say he 'reckons' he is as though you don't believe him.

He may have a plan for Valentines day or he may not. He may have a big plan for a proposal or he might be delaying the inevitable slightly after feeling forced into the engagement.

Some people do use things like this as a way to control their partner. "I had X planned but now you are ruining it" etc.

Alternatively, some people do ruin plans.

It's not really fair for us to say "it's him" or "it's you" when really in your OP it sounds like it's a bit of both of you and you really need a good talk to each other about both of your expectations of things.

At best, you are excited about the engagement and the wedding and want to plan, while he has a lovely idea he wants to put in place first on Valentines Day and would rather you wait until then before you start making wedding plans.

At worst, you really want to get married and he's not so keen, he's delaying the official engagement by keeping the ring back and has used Valentines Day plans as an excuse for this and is making you feel bad on purpose with his "haven't put a ring on your finger" comments because he doesn't really want to do just that.

Why is getting married "more for you" than for him?

When did you first agree to get married and choose the ring? Has it been days or weeks or months?

TiggyOBE · 09/02/2014 10:48

Controlling? Him or you?

Are you also walking round in a wedding dress the whole time?

Do you want to be married or just have a wedding?

Give him time or I'd have to say he should leave you.

EvenBetter · 09/02/2014 10:49

If its a blissfully happy relationship it's hardly going to fall apart on the basis that some strangers on the Internet said LTB, come on now.

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