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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I've not even put a ring on your finger yet!" - Aibu to find this controlling??

165 replies

Sundaysomeday · 09/02/2014 06:02

So dp and I have agreed to get married. More for my sake although he reckons he's excited about it too. We picked my engagement ring together although I agreed to let him give me it on valentines day as he'd supposedly been planning to do. Well I regret agreeing to this because he keeps using it against me whenever I talk about wedding plans. We're getting married next summer and already have the venue in mind yet depending on his mood, if I try and discuss it with him he says "I've not even put a ring on your finger yet". This is so controlling isn't it?! We argued last night and I told him if he says it one more time I'll put the bloody thing on my own finger. He doesn't get to "be in charge" of it. So pissed off. And he said I was being "dense" regarding some of the things I was bringing up (like how we'll pay for the wedding!! What's dense about that??)

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 09/02/2014 18:19

I think that's what's happening Piglet but they have agreed to get married, so that makes them engaged.

OP wait until he asks you. And then say no.

Tell him that you're disappointed with his attitude and you now feel like he doesn't actually want to marry you. For him, it's all about 'the proposal' and 'the big day' rather than a lifetime together.

Then talk about it properly.

I think it's very sad that you are only engaged when he has done the man thing and asked you. You have both discussed this already, there is no need for a showy proposal. It will be awkward anyway.

I think it is controlling and not in the least romantic or joyful.

DwarfShortage · 09/02/2014 19:16

Male perspective here. When I proposed to DW I'd been excited about it for months, did lots of planning and saw the proposal as a huge deal.

Although being engaged doesn't really mean anything in itself, it was massive to me knowing that I've gone from having a girlfriend to having a fiancée, that it wasn't just a fling, this was something for real.

If I was the OPs DP I would feel like this was being taken away from me and is just a formality to allow the OP to organise the wedding. I can completely understand him thinking "let me propose to you first"

There's a very good chance he's not meaning anything controlling, but the OP does appear to be taking all of the romance out of this - if he wants to propose on valentines day it's obviously more to him than than the OP realises

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 09/02/2014 19:21

I agree Dwarf.

FlockOfTwats · 09/02/2014 19:25

The only part i think he is being unreasonable for is the dense comment.

Id be telling you to stfu about everything else with him. Go and have a lie down.

Littleen · 09/02/2014 19:27

meh not controlling! Let him have his manly proposal thing for valentines, I'm sure he'll be more up for discussing stuff after :) I know my OH want to do the whole romantic thing if we get engaged, and have been told I'm not allowed to propose, or he would say no anyway, because its "his job". Kinda cute I think, not controlling :)

Parkend · 09/02/2014 19:29

AIBU to think you shouldn't post something and then just piss off.

Do you have anything to add Sunday?

Bogeyface · 09/02/2014 19:30

Given the amount of time he has messed you about over getting engaged (remember the "going ring shopping but I am not buying you a ring" trip?) I would say that this is just another attempt at getting you to STFU

He thought he had bought you a gobstopper, but it hasnt worked as you want to actually, you know, plan the wedding! I rather suspect that when you have the ring on your finger (if he does actually do it on Valentines day and not accuse you "spoiling it" thus giving him more time) there will be another reason why he wont talk about it.

You know how I feel about it from your other thread. I really do think you need to think twice about whether you are marrying him because you want to be married to him, or because you want to be married....to anyone.

Littleen · 09/02/2014 19:33

Btw, "I've not even put a ring on your finger yet", to me sounds more like "wait until we've done the "first" step of a proper proposal, then we can do the rest" not as a threat to ditch the whole idea!

fifi669 · 09/02/2014 20:16

Another one voting for calm down!

He may have had something planned and you're taking the wind out of his sails. He may not have but feels a bit part in the whole thing as you've steam rolled ahead before he's even formally asked you.

I agree with the TTC analogy. Before you've hot pregnant he wouldn't want to be looking at nursery colour schemes. He's got his part to play first before the focus settles on the new mum or in your case the bride. Let him have his moment.

JustTheRightBullets · 09/02/2014 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustTheRightBullets · 09/02/2014 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiredlady · 09/02/2014 21:21

I don't think he wants to get married.

Fairenuff · 09/02/2014 21:27

One of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life and you just have to wait to be asked?

Hell no. I'm with you OP. You discussed it, you both agreed that you wanted to be married and that you would do it next summer. Now you just have to sit and wait for him to offer you a ring (which you've already chosen and bought yourself) before you can talk about it?

Ok, that would be fine if it was what you both wanted but you don't want that OP and yet he still thinks he can force a 'proposal' on you and that you should be grateful.

Do what I said, turn him down. That might make him realise that playing with people's emotions is not on.

fifi669 · 09/02/2014 21:31

Let's not get all funny about why does the bloke get to decide etc. Plenty of women propose themselves and plenty prefer the traditional route. They decided valentines. She just needs to wait a few days.

TTC in general does mean there will be a pregnancy/baby. Luckily infertility isn't the norm, although higher than anyone would wish.

Bogeyface · 09/02/2014 21:35

Let's not get all funny about why does the bloke get to decide etc. Plenty of women propose themselves and plenty prefer the traditional route. They decided valentines. She just needs to wait a few days.

But they didnt decide, He decided and basically said it then or never, she has to accept that or he wont propose at all. That doesnt say to me that this man is particularly bothered how she feels, otherwise they would have discussed and it and compromised.

Fairenuff · 09/02/2014 21:40

She didn't want to wait til Valentines. She wanted to buy the ring, wear it and announce their engagement.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 09/02/2014 21:45

I'm with curlew. You've agreed to marry but he is going to formally propose on valentines day? What ridiculousness is that?

I'd Ltb for being naff.

Im not sure you two are compatible. He wants to be the big (twatty) romantic. You seem to take a more realistic approach.

fifi669 · 09/02/2014 22:34

although I agreed to let him give me it on valentines day as he'd supposedly been planning to do

That's says be had something in mind, already planned. It so says she agreed. Nothing suggests it's then or never.

Bogeyface · 09/02/2014 22:39

I take it havent read the other thread then fifi?

Trust me, this bloke is playing all the delaying games he can.

deakymom · 09/02/2014 22:40

simple when he gives you the ring say thank you and put it to one side and continue talking about something else

talking about finances was the first thing myself and my partner did he actually did the planning i helped choose the venue got my dress and he did everything else!

if he is using it against you every time you talk about things are you sure you want to stay with him? forever?

if i were the wedding type of person i would want someone who was just as excited as me or someone who could afford someone who was as excited as me ;-)

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 09/02/2014 22:51

I must say, that in 22years of knowing my dh, he has never, even during the most heated disagreement, called me 'dense' or anything like it.

That is a red flag imo.

LEtranger · 09/02/2014 22:54

But why does she need to wait for him to propose? Why is it ok for the man to have all the power of whether to ask or not?! It appals me that this is still the expectation in this day and age Confused

DH and I agreed to get married when we were ready to, based on our shared hopes for the future. He did not ask me! We agreed together as an equal partnership, which is what I hope we are. We still had a lovely romantic engagement weekend away before telling everyone.

So I can totally get why OP feels he is being controlling. But I don't think I'd want to marry a man who called me dense full stop!

fifi669 · 09/02/2014 23:06

They've agreed together to get married. He said he was already planning on proposing valentines day. She's stole his thunder. It's not a case of waiting, wondering if it'll happen. She knows it's going to. He just wants the traditional charade before it's official, announced and the wedding planned.

fifi669 · 09/02/2014 23:06

DP will be asking me..... I've told him so :)

LEtranger · 09/02/2014 23:10

But why is what he wants, what happens?! I do not understand why so many women are prepared to leave one of the most important decisions of their lives to whether or not man deigns to ask! It's not romantic, it's archaic!