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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think it's ruder to be an 'evening guest'...

257 replies

MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:29

...than just to be told quietly that it's a small wedding and we're only having a few people and thus not invited at all? To me evening invitation smacks very much of 'we're not very bothered about sharing our day with you, so travel a long way, find childcare, get all dressed up, then have a bacon sandwich and give us a present anyway'

And for context this is one of DH's close friends, was an usher at our wedding, but his fiance doesn't know us very well.

OP posts:
junkfoodaddict · 05/02/2014 21:12

Agree Scarletbanner. 120 miles for an evening invitation is a bit much to expect especially as they have a small child. Also, evening invitations are just (in my view) an excuse for a party and impossible to spend quality time with everyone there.

I personally didn't have an evening do. We invited close family and friends and kept it as such for the entire day. Evening invites offend me. If budget was an issue, how come 'they' then have a massive party in the evening for those not invited? I have always accepted full invites but then declined when I learnt my friend only invited my DP (now DH) to the evening do in 2006. We didn't speak after that. I was offended that she hadn't invited my partner but invited other friends' partners. I then thought that she didn't like my DP which did not sit well with me, although she has NEVER offered an explanation. It ruined our friendship because it made me think that she didn't value my relationship with DP as much as her other friends' relationships. I have bumped into her once and so has my mum. On both occasions she looked uncomfortable, almost guilty.

It is also the groom's wedding as much as the bride's. My DH was ENCOURAGED to invite as many guests as he wanted to our wedding - the more the merrier and quite frankly, his friends WILL (now are!) become my friends. Marriage is a partnership and the beginning of sharing your life together including your friends.

Lookingforadvice123 · 05/02/2014 21:21

I'm having evening guests who are travelling a distance to come (furthest is London-Cardiff). I would have loved to have invited them to the whole day but we didn't have a never ending budget and the line had to be drawn somewhere. These are friends from university and they are still making the effort to come and pay for overnight accommodation. We all live in different parts of the UK and I (and others in our group) have travelled by coach/train/car to various other parts, to visit others in the group, just for one night. It's what happens when friends don't live local to each other. I'm over the moon that they're coming to the evening party, and I would never expect a present for evening only guests.

As an aside, our evening buffet is £14 per head not a singular bacon sandwich!

trixymalixy · 05/02/2014 21:34

Oh seriously, get over yourselves those of you that are "offended" by evening invitations. As far as Debretts is concerned it is acceptable to have evening only guests, so most definitely not rude.

junkfoodaddict · 05/02/2014 21:37

Just an opinion trixymalixy, just an opinion. No need to get 'worked up'.

frumpet · 05/02/2014 21:47

I went to wedding last year where the evening food consisted of bacon sanwhiches and chips , it was held in a really swanky hotel and was bloody fantastic . Far better than bijou pieces of toad snot drizzled in sparrow fart , which appears to be the buffet fare of choice in these enlightened times . What would be even better would be cheesy chips , served at the end of the evening spent dancing to shite with people you dont know from Adam , far more honest !

pigletmania · 05/02/2014 22:01

Evening receptions are usually for those who the bride and groom are nit as close to, op thought her dh was close friends with this person, obviously not. I wouldn't mind going to an evening reception of someone i was nit as close too, but if my best friend did not invite me to her main wedding than I would feel a bit gutted tbh.

Catsize · 05/02/2014 22:06

YANBU. Hate the division, and didn't do it for my own.
When I have been an evening guest, the evening bit has always started late.
Worst wedding offender was a chap from uni who had me travel from the norff of England, pick up another uni friend in the Midlands, go to the church ceremony in Cornwall, then we had to loiter around for the afternoon whilst the others had the wedding breakfast.
We were invited to the evening do. Not so much as a drink or a sandwich.
We haven't been in touch since.
And for the record, it was a posh wedding, so economics were not a factor really.

Laquitar · 05/02/2014 22:08

Never mind the wedding. Why are you talking about your dh like he is a child or a stupid?
'Oh the poor thing wasn t even offended because he thinks so little ofhimself'.
Good job he 's got you eh? To get offended on his behalf.

Seriousely if he really does have social issues you are not helping much.

Angeltulips,
I too thought that the breakfast was real breakfast in the morning after!!

Why is it called breakfast then?

BumpNGrind · 05/02/2014 22:11

It's called a wedding breakfast because it's the first meal you share as a married couple, so the beginning of your relationship should start with a breakfast.

I was told this by my hairdresser, god knows if it's true, but it kind of made sense to me.

ChrisMooseMickey · 05/02/2014 22:12

Who wants go to the bloody ceremony anyway? I'm dreading my own ceremony... All that blubber! We can only invite our family to our ceremony because the numbers are so limited. YABVU

Laquitar · 05/02/2014 22:19

Ah thanks Bump!!

feelingvunerable · 05/02/2014 22:21

I had an evening do as having to pay for the entire wedding ourselves ment we could only havea few guests to the daytime reception.

I am never offended to be invited to an evening do.

Just don't bother going.

mustbetimefortea · 05/02/2014 22:30

It depends on what sort of evening do they are planning. You can tell a lot about the B&G by how they treat their evening guests. I've been to weddings where as a evening guest I've been expected to turn up at the church to fill it and then make myself scarce until the evening do started. To evenings where you are kept waiting until the A list have finished eating ( and these ones always over-run).

OTOH I've been to ones where the speeches and cutting of the cake have been held over for the evening so that you feel that you have shared some of the bits that make a wedding different from a party. To evenings where you've been asked to choose a song for the djs playlist and other little touches which show that the B&G have thought about their evening guests.

So if it's the first sort yanbu.
If it's the second sort yabu and a bit precious.

Mellowandfruitful · 05/02/2014 22:35

Agree with all the other posters saying evening invitations for local guests are fine, but it's a bit of a cheek to issue them for people who live 50+ miles away. I once got one for people I thought were close friends (or one of them was) for a weekday wedding that would have required two days off work/school for all of us, plus hotel costs, to only get to see them at a pub in the evening. Turns out one of the couple had issues with a few of us still being friends with the other half's ex, and thus decreed we could only come then. It was effectively 'we must invite you but we really don't actually want you to come'. Hmm

BlueStones · 05/02/2014 22:45

See I'd class the wedding dinner AS one of the fripperies. Overcooked, overpriced and socially awkward, a lot of the time. I reckon we should have a cultural shift to evening ceremonies.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 05/02/2014 22:48

Well, maybe, but if you are having a hotel venue, they normally insist you have a meal!

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 23:19

'Worst wedding offender was a chap from uni who had me travel from the norff of England, pick up another uni friend in the Midlands, go to the church ceremony in Cornwall, then we had to loiter around for the afternoon whilst the others had the wedding breakfast.
We were invited to the evening do. Not so much as a drink or a sandwich.'

See, I don't get why anyone would bother going to that much trouble for an evening do, and just for someone from uni, too.

This whole 'wedding breakfast' seems rather outdated and silly and the reason why these weddings are so expensive.

HollyBrrr · 06/02/2014 00:08

You are perfectly within your rights not to go as it does sound like a hassle, but I don't think they are BU in only inviting you to the evening. For some context: my DH and I moved to the other side of the country after getting engaged and sending out our day invitations, which maxed out our capacity. We then met some really lovely people in our new hometown in the few months coming up to the wedding. We invited them to be evening guests, but noted that we understand that it was a terribly long way to come for people they'd only know for a few months so we'd completely understand if they couldn't make it. Out of 30, 26 came - we hooked them up with each other for car lifts and asked some good friends back in our hometown if they had any guest rooms they could spare. We also fed people very well in the evening and made it clear we didn't want any presents. I can see that from a certain point of view that could look rude, but we genuinely liked these people and wanted to celebrate with them but we were in a sticky situation.

I don't know if this sheds any helpful light on things - I guess you could see if anyone from your side of the country is going to the wedding too and bag a lift with them? Is the area nice - could you and your P have a nice day out sans kids before going on to the evening party; make a bit of a day of it perhaps?

RonaldMcDonald · 06/02/2014 01:43

I never attend weddings functions if I am only invited in the evening.
None of my friend circle has ever held a wedding party that had additional late guests who had not been invited to the ceremony
I find it an odd and rude concept

TheRealAmandaClarke · 06/02/2014 05:38

We didn't have an evening do.
I didn't want to separate ppl into a and b lists and travelling would have been a faff.
But I don't think it's rude per se to have one.
I usually cba to attend most things tbh because childcare is such a faff for me. I couldn't leave them overnight.
If they were a tiny bit older and childcare was easy(in my dream world) I would go and enjoy an overnight stay.

sarahquilt · 06/02/2014 06:31

YANBU. I wouldn't bother going.

LiberalLibertine · 06/02/2014 06:53

Well, it's never even occurred to me to be offended if invited to an evening do of a wedding!!

We've been toying with the idea of getting married for 12 years this sort of thing really puts me off though! That I could offend someone unknowingly. People are strange.

roundtable · 06/02/2014 07:20

I knew someone in real life who tantrumed once being invited to an evening reception.

She was also the most spoilt, selfish person I have ever known.

Luckily I don't have to socialise with her anymore. She was always guaranteed to put a dampener on an occasion with bitching and complaining about how things weren't as she wanted it.

This thread just reminded me of her.

Op just don't go. You'll bring the atmosphere down. Do something nice with your husband instead.

pigletmania · 06/02/2014 07:52

Evening receptions can be great if done properly and not seen as an afterthought and treated as such. If you are going to have one do it properly with thought. Round I would never do such thing how rude of that guest. Yes it is rude, inviting someone to the ceremony, expecting to hang about for 3 hours, whilst the day guests have their meal and speeches, and then turning up in the evening, especially if they are still eating etc when you come for the evening do at the correct time and have to wait a further 1.5 hours for them to finish and are presented with a few bits of soggy pizza and sausage rolls. Rude rude rude! When I had mine I just invited those who we were close to for the whole thing.

sneakyday · 06/02/2014 08:09

We got married in a registry office and crammed it with as many people as the fire rules allowed. Unfortunately that still meant we couldnt invite everyone we cared about for the actual ceremony.

Our evening do was a local sports club. We catered ourselves and evening guests were welcome to come whenever so everyone was fed the same.

We couldnt have afforded a bigger wedding. We did thebest we could with what we had. It upsets me that that may have offended people. We invited everyone to the evening do which was the main part to us. It was a celebration and bringing together of 2 families. If people didnt like it I hope they didnt come.....I suspect some of dhs cousins etc didnt like it baring in mond they sent acceptances and didnt turn up.