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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think it's ruder to be an 'evening guest'...

257 replies

MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:29

...than just to be told quietly that it's a small wedding and we're only having a few people and thus not invited at all? To me evening invitation smacks very much of 'we're not very bothered about sharing our day with you, so travel a long way, find childcare, get all dressed up, then have a bacon sandwich and give us a present anyway'

And for context this is one of DH's close friends, was an usher at our wedding, but his fiance doesn't know us very well.

OP posts:
Stinkyminkymoo · 05/02/2014 19:22

No way! I had loads of evening guests and I wanted every single one of them there.

They definitely got the best part of the evening, free booze, free amazing food and the best band ever. They all wrote or told me afterwards how much fun it was and the best wedding they'd ever been too fact

Many of them I'd only just met (I'd moved my horse to a new livery yard) but liked them so much I wanted to include them in my day - we're all still friends 3 years later one is now my best friend and they still talk about that evening! Grin

Only1scoop · 05/02/2014 19:26

'Most evening invites are to bump up the presents/cash'
Hmm

Only1scoop · 05/02/2014 19:26

'Most evening invites are to bump up the presents/cash'
Hmm

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 05/02/2014 19:27

Hate evening do only invites and wouldn't attend one again unless it was a local event with loads of friends going only to that and I could basically class it as a night out at the pub with them.

On page 3 someone said: who serves bacon sandwiches at their weddings - well the ones I've been to/observed.

I agree there may be ways they aren't rude but I haven't been to one/observed one having been invited the whole day where there wasn't some degree of awkwardness during the course of the proceedings.

HOrrendous situation this past fall when one couple out of our friendship group who are not from England didn't understand they were not invited to the mutual friend's whole thing. They discovered this in the church; they thought the reception started at 7 pm and were asking why it was so late. The rest of us were going 'to the whole thing' - it hadn't occurred to them. THe woman had actually been the one to organise the gift for the couple as well. Awful, so embarrassing.

I have told the story of the one evening do only event we were asked to before; I am not joking there were only three or four couples arriving late. Food from the main meal being cleared up; cash bar only; gift list in the invitation; slimy bacon sandwich. Honestly. I would not have been offended not to be invited at all and just had a night out with them another time. If you don't see the ceremony, the speeches are done, etc it's hardly 'celebrating' any more than if you just had a night out together.

MrsDeVere · 05/02/2014 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackthebodiless · 05/02/2014 19:31

YABVU.

But YWNBU to decline.

Grin at Guestzilla.

RhondaJean · 05/02/2014 19:31

I've posted this before but I think it's a cultural thing. Here in Scotland it's always been the done thing to have less for the meal and a lot more people along at night for the piss up

It used to be everyone was welcome at the church, I think its a bit less nice now that a lot of ceremonies take place in hotels with limited space, but I can't understand why anyone would feel insulted only being asked to the evening and not having to sit through the inevitably mediocre meal and endless tedious speeches, not to mention hanging about while the photos are taken

pigletmania · 05/02/2014 19:32

Exactly lady, your bit included in the celebrations so how are you celebrating. Some are very well thought out, but others are done with very little thought. Ladyharriet how Sad for that couple how were tgey when tgey found out they were not invited to the main part. Sorry that is just awful!

pigletmania · 05/02/2014 19:33

Meant not

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 05/02/2014 19:35

Piglet - the couple are from India where literally hundreds are invited to weddings. In one sense it was just a really bad cultural misunderstanding - don't think it occurred to the bride and groom that they might not realise, and it certainly didn't occur to this couple. The rest of us were invited to the whole day.

pigletmania · 05/02/2014 19:37

Awe hopefully they did nit realise, are you all still friends

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 05/02/2014 19:40

THe thing is there were many other people invited in the evening; so in that sense when they got there it was clear this was just some sort of ...well thing that was common in the UK! She's been fine about it since but they are very gracious people...

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 05/02/2014 19:46

If you are the only one from a group of friends (uni friends or whatever) that has moved away, then it's possible all of that group are only invited to the evening, it's just that's an issue for you but not the others as they are local.

Maybe?

The later in life one gets married, the bigger the list of potential invitees, often - more people have long term partners and/or children - so what seems like the same "group" might be 50-100% bigger than at a wedding five years ago or whatever.

Shocktothesystem · 05/02/2014 20:02

I actually agree with you. One of my friends I had thought I was pretty good friends with and had been for years, before the start of her relationship, did this - told me to save the date for her wedding, invited me to her hen do, excitedly told me all her plans, and then when the invitation arrived it was evening only. She hadn't even done the whole "sorry I hope you understand" thing...no mention at all. Me and another mutual friend were the only ones from the hen do not invited to the day and the only other people invited to the evening were work colleagues.

I see the evening as more for people like work colleague/mates and I think it is often used to make numbers up and get a few more gifts. I bought a gift but the mutual friend didn't and the bride clocked this and even asked me a couple of weeks after the wedding if I knew if shed brought a card/gift as she hadn't got it, which just confirmed my suspicions.

I think unless you have tonnes of friends or the day is family only, the evening is more for 'matey' people rather than close friends. And if you considered yourself to be a close friend it is natural to be hurt if youre demoted to the evening list.

BlueStones · 05/02/2014 20:06

I agree that it's a bit rude, though not to the point where it bithers me - i go if I can be arsed, and don't go if I can't.

As a PP said, though, surely you choose who you want to be there and build the event around that, not the other way round? Most of the expensive fripperies won't be remembered or even noticed.

BlueStones · 05/02/2014 20:07

It doesn't bither me or bother me. Even.

angeltulips · 05/02/2014 20:11

I agree - for me the ceremony is the important bit, if I'm not seeing that then pitching up to a party at which one woman is running around in a big white dress is a bit weird.

Partially it's cultural, though - only the uk has this strange concept of wedding breakfast vs evening do. Until about 5 years ago (aka when my friends started getting married) I thought the wedding breakfast was an actual breakfast the morning after the wedding!

Blobbyblobbyblobby · 05/02/2014 20:21

Is it a class thing? Night dos totally normal to me (working class, north of England). And of course it can be budget related - there are loads we would have loved to invite but registry office only held xx and our whole budget was 2 grand, for everything, so 150 guests would have been bloody hungry.

innisglas · 05/02/2014 20:31

I do hope that you have not communicated your feelings about this to your husband, especially if he is already unsure about his ability to make friends.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 05/02/2014 20:34

BlueStones, it's rarely the fripperies that are the issue. Wedding packages are often £40-£60+ a head but more like £10-£20 in the evening. Having fewer buttonholes isn't going to balance the budget.

Also the seating required for a meal is more limited in most places than the allowance for a disco - so 100 might be the meal limit with 150 in the evening - lots of hotels seat 50-100, far fewer seat 120+

scantilymad · 05/02/2014 20:35

For our wedding we had the wedding breakfast in the restaurant then there was a half hour or so break for all days guests to enjoy the bar and harpist, take a walk on the beach or powder their noses.

Then at 7pm the evening reception started in a totally different room downstairs. Private entrance, different bar, a band, drinks on arrival, candy buffet and finger food served later. It was like a whole other party and there was no distinction between all dayers and evening onlys. I'd be a bit miffed if any of the evening guests had resented the free food and entertainment. We also saved the cake cut, bouquet throw and first dance until the evening so everyone got to enjoy it.
Splitting guests was just down to space for us. It really doesn't mean that you are thought less of by being miffed at only getting an evening invite.

MorrisZapp · 05/02/2014 20:48

Wtf. Don't go then. How ungrateful.

I love evening do's, you can bypass all the tedious, cringy parts of the day and just turn up to have fun. How anybody can moan about that is beyond me.

KidLorneRoll · 05/02/2014 20:54

The idea that getting invited to a party to celebrate something is "rude" is absolutely hilarious.

Most people do have close friends and people they aren't so close to who they still want to be a part of their day. It all strikes a little of "wah! why don't you like me, the workmate you've known for 6 months, as much as your childhood friends and your family!" Grow up.

natwebb79 · 05/02/2014 20:55

Another thread to remind me why me and DH buggered off to a registry office with two witnesses and invited everybody to a dead common piss up in a room above a pub a few evenings afterwards. Wonder how many cat bum faces people were pulling behind our backs? Give me a minute, I'm trying to give a shiny shite... Grin

Scarletbanner · 05/02/2014 20:56

I still think some posters are being unfair to you, op, and that YANBU. I don't think you are entitled or a guestzilla at all.

I can't get my head round the fact that some people think that other people would be honoured to be invited to their wedding. I'd be honoured that anyone wanted to come to mine. And I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to come 500 miles for an evening invite!