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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think it's ruder to be an 'evening guest'...

257 replies

MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:29

...than just to be told quietly that it's a small wedding and we're only having a few people and thus not invited at all? To me evening invitation smacks very much of 'we're not very bothered about sharing our day with you, so travel a long way, find childcare, get all dressed up, then have a bacon sandwich and give us a present anyway'

And for context this is one of DH's close friends, was an usher at our wedding, but his fiance doesn't know us very well.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 05/02/2014 17:53

What I hate is the evening do's that aren't ready on time - ie: the B ist evening guests arrive and are milling around aimlessly because the 'main event' hasn't finished and the room is not available. That is very rude.

barley - seriously, no one can be expected to travel 500 miles for an evening reception?

Ragwort · 05/02/2014 17:55

I was 'upgraded once' - this is years ago, I had accepted the invitation to the evening reception and then the bride mentioned that a couple of 'daytime' guests couldn't make it so would I like to attend the whole day. She did have the grace to be obviously embarrassed about it and we are still friends 20 years later !

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 17:56

Where is it tradition to give a gift to an event you are not attending? Card, yes. barley, she is bonkers to expect so done to travel that distance for an evening do. No is a complete sentence.

BabyMummy29 · 05/02/2014 18:01

No way would I go 500 miles for an evening do. I've been invited to quite a few evening receptions for workmates etc, but always in the local area.

In my area of Scotland it's customary to give a present if you're invited to part or all of a wedding, whether you can attend or not.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 05/02/2014 18:10

katnip some people think that a wedding list is grabby. Indeed, I can't see how giving out a list saying 'I would like this particular set of salt and pepper shakers' is any less self indulgent that just asking for money tbh.

For the record, I don't have a problem with any sort of gift request with a wedding invite, and they are the norm now in my circle if friends. Except the poem, I HATE the poem!

I can never understand the level of opinion both ways about weddings, on mumsnet, with regards to evening invites, asking for money, no kids etc and its never something i have encountered in real life.

With the one exception of the wedding I mentioned upthread, my reaction to getting a wedding invite (or hen do invite for that matter!) is categorically always 'oh how lovely we have been invited, a chance to go and have a lovely time'!

pigletmania · 05/02/2014 18:12

I agree op, it's like the a and b list. Yes evening should be reserved for local guests, as it's a bit much to expect people from further away to have all that faff. Op dh was his close friend, not just someone he had not much to do with. One would expect te invite to reflect that. Sounds to me like the bride made the decisions! Imwould not go, sounds like a lot if faff for a few hours, you miss the important bits like ceremony, photographs, speeches and cake cutting.

scantilymad · 05/02/2014 18:12

I said tradition/polite

pigletmania · 05/02/2014 18:14

Ragwort tat happened to us, we were invited to an blist evening reception, and turned up on time, to be waiting for about 2 hours whilst the a list guests finished and the room was available.

Swallowedbyasnake · 05/02/2014 18:15

I do see where you are coming from. None of my bridesmaids asked me to be a bridesmaid at their weddings, which was absolutely fine. However, I think if I had only been invited to the evening do I would have been a bit gutted. I know logically it comes down to budget, venue size etc but it would be very hard not to feel that it means they don't like you as much as you like them

pigletmania · 05/02/2014 18:17

The food was crap, a few bits of pizza and sausage rolls. The bride and groom paid for a posh hotel and they said they paid about 15k for the who,e wedding, same the b list oops sorry evening vests were not thought more of!

Original poster

MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 18:31

The previous evening do we got a rhyme asking for money with something about a wishing well in it. There were spelling mistakes too.

This one just straight up asked for money. Which I prefer. At least they didn't try to dress it up in couplets.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 05/02/2014 18:39

Goodness I would not ask for money from evening guests how rude!

Honeysweet · 05/02/2014 18:42

I have been surprised tbh by the limited choice of food and number of food items on offer for evening guests. No matter which hotel.
Maybe venues that are less expensive are better in this regard.
Have already decided, on the strength of this thread, that the least we can do is have a bigger wedding cake so that evening guest can have some! But then I think do we stop the day guests from having a second piece!!
I never realised there were so many ways to upset people instead of it all being a nice and happy event.

Preciousbane · 05/02/2014 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trixymalixy · 05/02/2014 18:55

OP if it was a 40th birthday party starting at the same time same distance away would you go?

Or is it just that your nose is out of joint that you're bothered about the distance?

YABU, evening invitations are pretty normal here in Scotland.

trixymalixy · 05/02/2014 18:56

Oh and a bacon roll at the evening do is just perfect IMO. I've had them at quite a few weddings.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 05/02/2014 18:57

It is not ruder to invite someone to an evening celebration than nothing .

DH and I decided from the start everyone was coming to everything but then we decided not to have an evening do. All his family invite everyone to every part of the celebration though one couple didn't invite our children so we didn't go.

I think you might want to check your correct as you meant per se.

" I feel a bit cross (rather than offended) that we've been invited to travel a 240 mile round trip and find childcare to go along for a bacon sandwich." You go to a wedding to wish people well and share their day not to see what you get in return!

I think it is sad that some people think the wedding ceremony is the boring bit. I party is lovely but the marriage taking place is the important bit.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 05/02/2014 18:58

check your auto correct

not you're correct

stargirl1701 · 05/02/2014 18:59

YABU.

Our wedding was for family - the joining of two families. I have 96 relatives and DH has 4. That was big enough to cater for. Friends were invited in the evening. Perfectly normal.

CoffeeandLotsofCake · 05/02/2014 19:00

I find it really bizarre that some people genuinely get offended by this. I spent many years working in a local hotel that was a popular wedding venue and 99% of the weddings had a day reception and then had additional (usually more numbers than the day guests) guests arrive at say 7.30 for the evening reception.

It is usually not related to cost either. evening buffets aren't cheap in this hotel. It is usually a way to distinguish between family/close friends and more distant friends/acquaintances.

I have also been invited to many evening do's and am just happy to be able to share a fun part of the couples day with them.

2tiredtocare · 05/02/2014 19:02

I'm not a fan of being an evening guest, a lot of the time you get there and everyone is drunk. I'll be totally honest and say I kind of forgot my evening guests were coming, I was young though! YANBU

Cobain · 05/02/2014 19:06

Love evening invites but have never had one that involved travelling, mostly neighbours, workmates and cousins. But I do hate evening invites which are not thought through, where you are waiting in some hotel reception whilst the wedding party over runs. The worst one for me was supposed to start at 8pm, when we arrived they where just starting the main course by 9pm and no bar available the evening guest all went to the nearby pub and the reception phoned us to tell us they where ready at 10pm, most had left.
If you are inviting evening guests then the evening should be seen as a a separate and event.

pigletmania · 05/02/2014 19:12

Cobain that is very bad form

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 19:14

Venues rip people off. People don't think outside the box and find ways of doing it cheaper.

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/02/2014 19:18

Definately two tier, the wedding itself is the most important part. Most evening invites are just a way to bump up the presents/cash.

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