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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 05/02/2014 08:55

op

Am I correct in thinking that your own mother will be leaving straight away as you get back? And will not be coming back until the weekend?

Original poster
floppops · 05/02/2014 09:13

Yup my own mother isn't staying. She doesn't really cope well with DH or DD for too long and she also doesn't do clearing up/ cooking etc.
DH is extremely argumentative normally and even more so when stressed. He is taking 2 weeks off to drive DD to nursery and help me with the baby. I am beyond worried whether it will go ok.
Not an option to have either my mum or MIL to stay as there is no room, neither want to and both will just end up rowing and fussing.
My mum came every day for a week when DD was born and it was hell. I couldn't rest with all the shouting and nothing was done in the house. I ended up being re admitted to hospital after 6 days and was told by the doctors not to have any visitors because of the stress!

OP posts:
PrincessChick · 05/02/2014 09:19

Oh dear. It really does sound stressful. But you are allowed to assert your feelings / needs. How do you feel about a short visit at hospital and / or a short visit at home at the weekend from both DM and Mil? And then just you and your family at home the rest of the time as a compromise? Do you think you could calmly address some of these issues with DH? He sounds like he's stressing you out a lot in advance...

FuckingWankwings · 05/02/2014 09:19

Oh, OP, your husband is a twat Sad You shouldn't be 'beyond worried' about your child's father taking time off to support you and the children. He shouldn't be making you feel like that.

In the long term I think you've got some serious thinking to do about your relationship. In the short term, maybe try to stay in your bedroom with the baby until she arrives (avoiding the stressy phone calls), let her meet the baby and then retreat back upstairs. If that's feasible. Thanks

HaroldLloyd · 05/02/2014 09:19

That's pretty stressful for you, I came home from hospital when my mum had DS and it was filthy, I was mopping peach juice from the floor.

She means well but...

Read that man the riot act seriously, don't be treading on eggshells.

To me he sounds like the real issue

MrsOakenshield · 05/02/2014 10:08

god, I can't believe this has got to 25 pages of people flapping about how MILs are treated blah blah when it was crashingly obvious from early on that the problem was with the OP's 'D'H.

OP, you need to make it clear to him that he is not to cause arguments or stress with any of your visitors or guests. He may as well not be there if that's what's going to happen.

Original poster
floppops · 05/02/2014 10:17

There is no making it clear to him. I cannot control his behaviour. In 8 years I have tried every strategy and it is better for me to try and limit damage strategically.
As for MIL she indeed means no harm directly but certainly enables and excuses DHs behaviour which has always left me feeling hurt. She knows that certain arrangements will end up causing me stress but will push for them anyway as it's best for her. She has always been like that. Have tried to communicate that to her previously. Her sons can do no wrong in her eyes which she has told me. I've never had any support from her and I'm afraid it really has disappointed me perhaps disapportionately.

OP posts:
MrsOakenshield · 05/02/2014 10:22

well, as your DH is a grown man, I think you've gone past the point where you can 'blame' your MIL for how your H is - he's choosing to be like this, and is refusing to behave in a way that makes life better for his family. TBH I think you'd be better off with him at work and your mum coming for the day and MIL visiting. I take it if it was just you and your mum (or indeed you and MIL) everything would tick along OK?

diddl · 05/02/2014 10:39

Heavens he sounds awful!

Argumentative?

Sounds like an abusive bully tbh.

Lavenderhoney · 05/02/2014 10:50

If your dh won't call her, then why don't you? Ask her what she is planning and tell her you aren't allowed any stress after last time. Or ask your mum to give her a call to arrange things, if your mum is any good at that.

Arrange it all with her, no surprises, no stress.

Usually I would say make your dh do it, but he sounds unhelpful and as its a cs coming up, you need to be calm.

The two weeks pl he has shouldn't be stressing you though. Hopefully he won't be nasty and spoil it for you. If he starts to shout its stressful for you and a newborn. Can you spend the time at your mums instead?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/02/2014 10:51

This is sounding worrying. Would it now be the time to have a discreet but frank talk with your mw, highlighting your apprehension over the question of visitors and - sorry for this - your DH's pigheadedness?

clam · 05/02/2014 11:10

Sounds to me like you have far worse problems than whether to have mil visiting after the birth. Your dh is the common denominator here.

And for the record, my mil was an absolute star after both my dcs were born. Cooked, cleaned, shopped, babysat the older one - whatever we needed. My parents consulted their packed diaries and decided they could fit us in on the following Wednesday, assuming that Gerald and Mary could re-schedule bridge, and they'd arrive in time for lunch. Which lovely mil ended up shopping for and cooking!

Original poster
floppops · 05/02/2014 11:24

It's not a great situation as having just my mum here is also stressful-we don't get along brilliantly and as I said she doesn't do cleaning or cooking etc. Also she finds looking after DD too difficult for her.
MIL is more hands on but lives 2 hours away and wouldn't come round regularly-also she has other commitments with a poorly partner and she minds her other grandson who lives nearby her every week.
My mum and MIL do not get on. They are polite to each other but no love lost.
It will good when I'm recovered from the CS and can manage on my own.

OP posts:
Cravey · 05/02/2014 12:05

Flip flops you need to assess your relationship with your husband. He sounds dreadful. It sounds as if your mil would be the best person to have around you when it boils down.

Thumbwitch · 05/02/2014 12:33

Floppops, the more I hear about your H, the less I like the sound of him! :(
So sorry x

Donnadoon · 05/02/2014 12:37

OP
Just to try and chill you out
I am currently lying in bed 9 days post c section with my newborn and my 15 month old
DH works for himself and only took a week off
My mil is in Egypt on hols for 3 weeks
My mum has flu
I however am coping absolutely fine
You will too Flowers

Pigsmummy · 05/02/2014 12:40

I would allow your MIL a short visit to your home, surely she knows where that is and won't get in a flap? If they get into a flap just take your baby and leave the room, you can say that a new born doesn't need the stress or that you need to breast feed and the most comfortable place is in another room?

Has your DH ever considered stress management training? He sounds like he really doesn't have the life skills to cope and gets very wound up? maybe gets that from his DM?

diddl · 05/02/2014 13:33

Would it be possible for your MIL to come & look after your daughter?

Your mum sounds more of a hindrance!

Even a friend or neighbour might have more idea!

oldwomaninashoe · 05/02/2014 13:37

D'you know OP I managed fine on my own at home after having twins by C section. DH is self employed, (so had to go to work) but "flaps" a bit and I had a load of friends sorted out to take my older two to school and playgroup, and because I was on my own I took things at my pace until I felt well enough to venture out with the double buggy!

If you think your DH is going to drive you mad and stress you out send him back to work! or just give him a very long "to do" list that will keep him out from under your feet.
You will manage fine, I'm sure just take it gently and calmly, you may be anticipating stresses and problems that may not occur.

(One thing, I literally lived in and slept in non crease clothes that I would change on a daily basis when I bathed when the babies were asleep. It worked well in the short term and I was always "dressed" when people called.)

remotecontrols · 05/02/2014 15:15

There is no making it clear to him. I cannot control his behaviour. In 8 years I have tried every strategy and it is better for me to try and limit damage strategically

It is not about controlling him. He sounds an awful H and a twat sorry to say. Maybe try some counselling to work on your marriage issues? It sounds like you are projecting your marriage issues onto your MIL and blaming her.

Limit the damage strategically by addressing the cause - your H

HaroldLloyd · 05/02/2014 15:40

Could you arrange for MIL to have DD to stay for a few nights, then you've reduced stress levels on a few fronts?

rumbleinthrjungle · 05/02/2014 17:18

Floppops I'm lost in admiration you've survived all the pages of this thread and came back!

So sorry to hear you've got so few options in your situation, it must be very anxiety producing when you have so little control over what dh's and MiL's choices will be and they don't see your needs as a priority. I grew up with a man like you're describing and know how hard it can be to keep everything in hand.

In the worst case scenario if you can't manage them or the situation, it may be all you can do to protect yourself is accept and prepare yourself that it will happen with a plan of what you can say and do to manage it, so that at least it is not a shock and you've limited the stress of having to think on your feet. I really hope the midwife team will give you some protection on the day.

bodygoingsouth · 05/02/2014 17:28

op I think both you and your mil are colluding in allowing your dh to be a massive twat.

sorry that's not helpful I know. are you afraid of his temper? of loosing it?

MooncupGoddess · 05/02/2014 17:32

:(

What keeps you in this relationship, OP?

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 05/02/2014 17:38

Can I remind everyone that this lady is about to have a baby, is this the appropriate time to be telling her to asses her relationship and so on ....

Op, take one step at a time, I think leaving your partner right now and having a baby is a bad idea.

Concentrate on getting this baby out, recovery and all the joy, and bloody well do not let her come to the f ing hospital.

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