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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
Pimpf · 04/02/2014 22:42

No one is saying that all mil should be be excluded, people are saying that anyone who stresses the new mum out should be excluded.

In this instance I think I'd ban the dh!

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 22:42

It does not matter why.

Her own mother is only there because she is looking after the older child and will be leaving very quickly on her return,she would prefer her mother not to be but childcare dictates she is.

She wants both grandparents to wait until the weekend.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 22:42

Yes come, thats what I meant, so why did you never see them.

NiceTabard · 04/02/2014 22:43

If having major abdominal surgery, being on opiates, bleeding profusely vaginally, being catheterised etc etc does not count as "ill" then I don't know what does!

Is there a gist here that women who have had babies and are in hospital should not be afforded the same courtesy and respect as anyone else who is in hospital?

Because there is a baby that changes the approach that should be taken towards the person who is being treated?

Anyone else recovering from major surgery and drugged up and in pain wouldn't be told they have to see people they dont' want to see.

Is this a sort of thing about the baby is the important thing and as long as the mother is alive she should put up and shut up and take a back seat and get on with it or something?

It is very peculiar.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 22:43

MIL is not necessarily being blind or stupid. She might have no idea her son behaved like an arse. Bit harsh there really isn't it?

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 22:43

Not sure i understand comess

JassyRadlett · 04/02/2014 22:44

It depends on your birth, surely? A c-section is no less serious than other abdominal surgery and a lot more traumatic than eg keyhole procedures.

And giving birth can have medical complications such as haemhorrage, terrible tearing requiring quite complicated reconstruction (quote from a friend's stitches - 'where does this bit go?'), and other nasties. Ditto for the baby.

I think on balance a c-section in hospital should be treated as what it is. When you have a catheter, a drip and other bits attached to you, pumped full of opiates, and a fairly dramatic incision healing in your abdomen, you're not really 100%.

Comessyouare14 · 04/02/2014 22:44

Because my mum prioritised a relationship with her own parents, meaning we saw them most days, while I saw my paternal grandparents once a year.

They were nice people, too.

LeepyTime · 04/02/2014 22:45

Totally agree with everything you say again NiceTabard, but I won't go overboard in case I make Mintyy sick again! :-)

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 22:45

No Harold I don't think it is harsh, I think it's harsh telling a woman who has had major surgery and is not going to be feeling her best to suck it up and let anyone who wants to see the baby come over whenever they want because they're excited.

JassyRadlett · 04/02/2014 22:46

That sounds rough and unfair on you, Comes. But I don't think it's the same as OP saying 'would you mind waiting until Saturday?'

NiceTabard · 04/02/2014 22:46
Tinpin · 04/02/2014 22:46

What I don't understand is how so may on this thread can go into seclusion for two or three weeks and have the luxury of deciding who and when they are visited. Loads and loads mums are up and out within days of having children. Some people on here are very spoilt!

Comessyouare14 · 04/02/2014 22:47

pimpf neither do I, now! :)

I think the only point I'd make is that I don't think the Op is unreasonable, exactly, but I do think the husbands behaviour (getting in a strop over his mum asking for directions) is more concerning than the MILs is: she just sounds dippy but harmless enough.

I'd let her come. I'm soft, though.

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 22:47

But comess that was your experience.

I could be wrong, but from the op I'm not getting that she doesn't want the mil involved at all. Just not for the first couple of days when she'll be feeling very fragile

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 22:48

Arh ok comess!

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 22:49

Sorry who were nice people?

Did your mother ever talk to you about why she saw her own parents more...

Whether people are nice or not is entirely down to that individual relationship, I am sure more people think my MIL is lovely and I am 100% sure she is great to them. She has been vile to me.

Its easy after an event to create illusions round it that were not there.

It takes two sides to have a relationship, who knows maybe your PILs, (your father parents) bent over backwards and were the sweetest people ever and tried with your mother....but perhaps also the opposite is true, hard to tell unless your mother told you, or filled you in herself, or left you clues.

Your mother may have had very good reasons why she saw more of her own parents.

Easy to re write history.

Comessyouare14 · 04/02/2014 22:50

I get that pimpf but it still established a pecking order of relatives which is what I don't like about this situation. I don't mean I think the OP is unreasonable, exactly - but I don't much care for it myself.

Unpopular view but I do think tin has a point - I really was on my own after DC3 and it wasn't pleasant, I'd have LOVED an interfering MIL!

remotecontrols · 04/02/2014 22:50

No one is saying that all mil should be be excluded, people are saying that anyone who stresses the new mum out should be excluded

In this instance I think I'd ban the dh!

I agree, the H should be banned Grin Not going to call him DH lol

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 22:51

That was your experience comess, you can't project that onto the op and her situation

JassyRadlett · 04/02/2014 22:52

Well, Tinpin, my midwife ordered me back to bed at 4 days post-birth as I'd passed out in a supermarket and DS had lost nearly 12% of his birthweight for various reasons. She gave us a choice of 5 days in bed with daily visits or straight back into hospital.

So, y'know, the stoic thing of up and about straight away isn't always the wisest.

I'm really glad I had a quiet first week just me, DH and DS with minimal (and thoughtful) visitors. Yep, it was a luxury you'd never get the second time around, and not having family round the corner helped that but has been a bitch as DS gets older and we have no family nearby. I don't see any shame in taking the time as a brand new family to enjoy it. We're quite private and self-sufficient folk, so it suited us nicely.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 22:53

Comes sometimes there is a good reason for a pecking order if there is one.

Most people want to get on and have everyone love them, and be happy, life isn't like that, sometimes in order to simply survive, some people have to take back seat.

anyway that is not relevant here, coming a few days after is not pecking order or back seat.

Comessyouare14 · 04/02/2014 22:53

Rain with respect I think I do know a bit more about the situation than you do. I am not creating illusions in the slightest. I am stating that my mother created a situation where the paternal GPs were not welcome - and my dad went along with it.

I just accepted it as a child of course. There was a reason my mother kept us apart but it was not a 'good' reason - akin to asking directions all the time.

I lived with my grandparents for 3 years after my mum died - not easy at ten to go and live with relative strangers. And they were nice people.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 22:53

I think comes makes a valid point, if you want visitors and help and there is none forthcoming that is a very hard situation.

Helps to have some perspective.

NiceTabard · 04/02/2014 22:54

I'm not sure that being in hospital for 36 hours after a CS counts as "spoilt".

They don't take the catheter / thing in your hand for drugs out for quite a few hours, for a start!

Once it's all out, as soon as you can hobble to the bog, say you have done a wee, and say you have fed the baby it's out the door!

YY well spoilt!

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