To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

[floppops]

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

Pimpf, I'm not projecting at all. I'm pointing out that one day, having an involved and interested grandparent may be a good thing and using my experience to back that up. Hardly projecting! The OP will do as she wishes of course.

That was comes experience but I wonder if comes knows why her mother saw more of her own parents, unless her mother herself has told her why I am not sure how she will know.

I am very sorry your mother passed away when you were so young, and you are clearly still feeling upset that you were not able to have full merit of the support your gp could have given you had you been closer to them, but there may have been a very very good reason for that, at the time.

Comets is telling you there was no great reason for it and it'd her family so I am guessing she knows.

Of course it must be a shock if it wasn't the MILs fault I know but it does happen, although I here it's pretty rare.

nice I had a bad faint, they had to press the buzzertoo much morphine I had my cather in for longer than a few hours.

Taking away ops angry DH and so on, and the last visit, even if ops MIL is the sweetest woman in the world, if she is needy, tons of phone calls and just too demanding of os dh attention at time, in those precious few hours, even then I would be saying, leave it till the weekend!

You just want to concentrate on yourself and the baby, you dont want other people involved who will suck time and resources. you want a peaceful and calm environment.

As I've said Rain there was a reason but it wasn't a particularly good one.

At any rate, it isn't the point: assuming close relatives are not the child-catcher or similar, I think they do have the right to know and love a child born in their family - obviously there are cases where that wouldn't be applicable but not 'because they are annoying!'

I completely appreciate that the OP is not cutting them out entirely! However as I've said, I think it is keeping one granny at arms length while the other is there already making s bond with a newborn and I do think that is important. I know if I was denied access to my DSs child, even only for a few days, while the other granny was enjoying him, I'd feel left out, unimportant, yes, rejected.

I just would.

And I accept this would probably be ME BU - but I would still feel it.

Her own mother is only there because she is looking after the older child and will be leaving very quickly on her return, she would prefer her mother not to be but childcare dictates she is.

And you don't think that's hurtful?

I fully appreciate it should be all about the mother and baby, but I shall look forward to when you are all grandmothers-to-be (from whichever side) and I really wonder how you will feel then.
Because let me tell you, you will look at it differently. And I bet you don't all modify your behaviour to suit either!

Good luck, OP!

I've personally never excluded my DPs parents.
My exs mum was fantastic. I stayed with them two weeks after the birth. It was great. Her house is large enough that if i wanted quiet time alone i got it (Despite me, ex, baby and both of his parents being there).
His mum cooked, cleaned and helped with baby the whole time.
I'd love to have been able to keep her without the ex.
All this also, despite the fact she's known me 10 weeks (Ex kept the pregnancy a secret, i was 24 weeks when i met her, baby born at 34).

She was one of the first visitors to the hospital (except my friend but only because she happened to be on the same ward antenatal admission).

My DPs parents, i dont get on with him mum. But they visited when DS1 was 2 weeks (He was in neonatal so they decided it best to wait until he was on a lower dependancy ward). They visited DS2 at their earliest convenience. I have never stopped them, but then they are not needy. His Dad usually makes the drinks etc when they're here, They stay in a hotel if they stay as our house is not big enough.

I am clearly not against the ILs. Exs mum spent more time with me and DD than my own mum. She still does as a matter of fact.
HOWEVER. If they had the self absorbed attitude of some on here, I would quite frankly tell you to piss off away from me.

A woman recovering from pissing surgery or childbirths needs trump your wants. How hard is that to grasp?

Don't know why your mum prioritised her parents over your dh parents, but this is a different scenario, maybe youre all now talking about mil in general, im still trying to keep this on track about this situation, you have a woman who is high maintenance putting her needs above and beyond a woman who is going to be feeling quite fragile and a husband who puts his mothers needs above those of his wife, and its wrong

But the OP isn't saying she doesnt want MIL in her children's lives. She's asking her to wait a few days because the early visit made for a stressy situation last time.

I always thought my paternal grandmother was a dream, until I overheard her (she didn't know I was in the room) reading out estate agent listings to my mum one day. Mum finally bit and asked 'why are you reading these to me?' Grandmother 'well, you will need somewhere to live. Obviously [My Dad] and the children will stay in this house.'

There was no problem in my parents' marriage. According to my mother, my grandmother had been doing it for years and early on in their marriage she was excluded from discussions with the words 'this is a family matter, please leave the room as you are not welcome.'

Grandmother had a personality change when alcoholic EA grandfather died, curiously enough. She and my (very forgiving) mother ended up very close.

This is not to say your situation is mine, any more than OP's is like either of ours. But it illustrates how my perception of my grandmother was very different to my mum's of her MIL.

Again, feeling v grateful for both my mum and my MIL!

NannyOgg

That was my condensing the ops posts. Worded bluntly to be clear.

Definitely think the H should be kept at arms length, that will help everybody. Then H and MIL can take their frustration out on each other

Comes who told you the reason? How do you know?

Was it from your mother? did she leave a diary?

There is your side, my side and somewhere in the middle the truth.

unless you have detailed explanation from your own mother in her own words...you will not know 100% her reasons.

I totally get why you would be upset and feel left out, but wouldn't you, as I said earlier maybe look at your actions, your own actions first, before blaming it all on your DIL?

Would you not think, hang on...is this fair or not...was I courteous last time, did i make her feel like a human being not just a conduit for my grandchild....do I really even care for her, do I even like her?

A relationship works both ways.

I'm willing to lend OP my MIL who is steely, calm and thoughtful and would kick OP's husband's arse from here until next week, and then gently ask OP to let her know when the family feels ready for visitors.

I'm willing to lend OP my MIL who is steely, calm and thoughtful and would kick OP's husband's arse from here until next week, and then gently ask OP to let her know when the family feels ready for visitors

Just brilliant! She sounds fab

Sockreturningpixie

I know. I did pick it up earlier, but yours was the last I read.

But my mum wasn't there "making a bond with the new baby".

BOTH of my parents were there taking care of me (and thus also giving DH a break). (Why is it all MIL and mum, my parents come as a package, same for in-laws, both my parents wanted to visit see if I was OK after surgery, as they did when I was a child, both PIL were keen to meet and hold the children).

Anyway.

PIL waited til we got home from hosp with no fuss. It was all fine [shrug]

The 1.5 day wait in no way detracted from my PIL relationship with the children.

Nanny, there's plenty of evidence of grandparents who either don't feel that way or, if they do, manage to stifle it and remind themselves that the birth of their grandchildren is not, primarily, about them (though it is massively exciting).

I again offer as Exhibits A and B, my own MIL (who has one grandchild each from her son and daughter and is lovely to all of us) and my mother (also MIL to two DILs, including the mother of one of her grandchildren).

That's what I'm going to model myself on, as the mother of a son, as they both have outstanding relationships with their daughters in law and their grandchildren.

Remote, she is! She's just retired, I reckon I could hire her out and we could split the proceeds.

My in laws didn't see the dc until they were about 3 weeks old (their choice, not mine), their relationship with them is just as good as their relationship with my parents.

I have to say I do know of lovely mils who have been given dreadful dils, and lovely dils who have been landed with awful mils.

Some families are very hard to crack into. And its hard for an outsider to feel welcome.

open lines of communciation are key but to do that, both sides need to understand they may not be perfect.

Actually I had three c sections and as I have crohns disease I have an Ileostomy which didn't make birth very or recovery very easy. I have had to be tough all my life and whilst I don't wish my illness on anyone I still think some of you are very demanding and yes spoilt.

Seeing any new born is a privilege, first and foremost that baby and mother made it through the process, many don't.

Its a sacrosanct time in my opinion and one that should be treated so, its magical and amazing and special.

I know of many who have not had such a happy ending.

I don't know, is the MIL putting her needs above those of her DIL? Does she actually know yet that her DIL doesn't want her there till the weekend?

If she doesn't, and isn't aware that there was a problem last time, then it's a stretch to say she's putting her needs above her DILs. She may just have a tendency to be annoying (the directions etc.) and not be aware just how much her DIL wants to minimise visitors - not everyone's the same in this respect.

This is what I mean about retro-fitting unreasonableness to the MIL's motivation in this sort of situation. Do people do it because it makes it even easier for the DIL to justify saying no? But you can say no just because you can, you know.

Yes it's completely reasonable for the OP to have the final say. You can't work back from that to conclude that the MIL is being unreasonable to want to see her gc in the first place, though.

It's like it not being at all unreasonable for my kids to want ice cream even though I have the casting vote and get to say that they don't on some occasions. I can't suddenly describe them as evil grasping greedy kids for wanting it just because today I'm going to say no!

Tinpin, that is tough. But demanding to say 'can you give us a few days to ourselves'? Really?

No one was really beating down our doors the first week or so, which was nice then, but a few years in my strong view is that those who have family living relatively nearby who are helpful and supportive are incredibly spoilt and have no idea how much easier their lives are as a result.

All a matter of perspective, eh?

Sounds like the H finds his mum very annoying hence having a go at OP

Silly git needs to find a better way to deal with this frustration. What sort of berk has a go at his partner just after she has given birth to their child?

OP - you almost seem afraid that this will happen again, are you frightened of your H? He must have had quite a go at you if you are still thinking about it now you are having your second DC. Very worrying