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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 04/02/2014 23:28

The OP hasn't painted her MIL as a monster. She wants to avoid a repeat performance from her DH, which arose from his mother stressing him out. So she is trying to pre-empt the same situation arising because she doesn't want him having a go at her just after she's had abdominal surgery and has a brand new tiny baby to look after and establish feeding with etc.

She is not "refusing to allow her DC to have a relationship with MIL" FFS!! So all your heartrending stuff, Comess, sad though it is for you, is utterly irrelevant to THIS situation. All the OP wants is a short delay, of a few days, before she has to face up to the stress-filled situation that she had to deal with last time.

Those of you twittering on and on about how what the MIL did isn't so bad - no, perhaps not. IT was the OP's DH's response/reaction to what the MIL did/didn't do that caused the stress and distress last time - she cannot change him now because, for whatever reason, he refuses to stand up for his wife and kowtows to his own mother's every wish (we can all speculate as to why that might be) so she is trying, with a few weeks in hand to manage the situation to avoid him being stressed so that it doesn't upset her again. MIL clearly didn't help in that situation as she exacerbated her own DS's stress levels and then allowed her just-having-given-birth DIL to wait on her while she drank wine (as did her DH, who is still the major twat in this scenario).

I really cannot see why there are so many posters on this thread who don't get that, but just continue pushing their own bigoted agendas.

Jux · 04/02/2014 23:36

Can you prime the midwives a) about your dh's likelihood of being stressed enough to take it out on you, and b) your need to limit the time your MIL visits for? They're horribly overworked, but may be able to keep an eye and kick them both out if they think you're getting stressed.

I would warn dh that you're not going to put up with it this time, and that if he can't control himself better then you'll ask the midwives to kick him out until Wednesday.

remotecontrols · 04/02/2014 23:40

Jux good post and very good idea

sosadforhim · 04/02/2014 23:43

I can see why people are saying not to let her come. However tbh if it were me I'd have her round to the hospital where you don't need to entertain her, and get it out of the way.

I know you'll have just had your baby but then you can look forward to going home with your little family in peace, without the stress of her impending visit. I say that as someone whose in-laws visited the hospital the day after I'd had a section and I hadn't even had a shower yet. I just got it over with. My dh planned to pop in with his parents, then go out fit lunch with them. Needles to say I put my foot down then!

I also remember how upset and hurt my own lovely parents were, when not allowed to visit my brothers baby. They knew the other grandparents were there enjoying the welcome home but they weren't. despite being the carers for older siblingSad

sosadforhim · 04/02/2014 23:45

Sorry that post ended up about me. I obviously have some issues - oops.

sosadforhim · 04/02/2014 23:47

jux solution sounds like a good solution.

sosadforhim · 04/02/2014 23:47

jux solution sounds good.

sosadforhim · 04/02/2014 23:47

jux solution sounds good.

sosadforhim · 04/02/2014 23:47

jux solution sounds good.

sosadforhim · 04/02/2014 23:47

jux solution sounds good.

sosadforhim · 04/02/2014 23:47

jux solution sounds good.

sosadforhim · 04/02/2014 23:47

jux solution sounds good.

sosadforhim · 04/02/2014 23:47

jux solution sounds good.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 04/02/2014 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sosadforhim · 04/02/2014 23:59

AAAhhh my phone started playing up! I'm so sorry, I wasn't being a weird stalker person. Good solution, mind Smile

PorridgeBrain · 05/02/2014 06:02

Well it's difficult when your DM is going to be so involved to ask MIL to stay away. Perhaps a visit in hospital the day after will be easier as visiting times are limited and there is more support. Re sorting logistics, before I had Dd1 I sent out a comprehensive email to all of my family with visiting times, directions, hospital rules (eg no balloons) etc to ensure DH had as little as possible to deal with. Perhaps a similar thing may help alleviate some stress?

Somersetlady · 05/02/2014 08:19

I haven't read the whole thread sorry but how about this:

Pre birth write her a nice note saying that you know getting to new places can be quite stressful so here is a map and directions and she will need change for the parking etc. visiting hours strictly are 5-7 but you have been advised that no visitors on the first day as you are having major surgery.

Then the day she is due get your husband to text her and say his battery is dying on his phone but you will see her later. Then get him to turn it off.if he won't man up and stand up to his mother then he might just avoid her annoying calls

Original poster
floppops · 05/02/2014 08:27

My mother isn't hugely involved-she is the one staying with DD at our house only while I'm/DH is in hospital as she lives 1/2 hour away whilst MIL lives 2 hours away and doesn't see DD half as much.
The hospital we're in has unrestricted visiting hours for family.
I asked DH about this last night and he has backed down to saying whatever I want. So I will bring this up with her when I see her in a couple of weeks.
I am very grateful to have DHs family involved in our childrens lives and indeed is one of the reasons I married him.

OP posts:
Original poster
floppops · 05/02/2014 08:32

Oh and DH would never turn his phone off in a million years.
He also doesn't take orders/directions from me so when people are advising I tell DH to do such and such it isn't relevant. He either says no or ignores it or says yes and doesn't do it. He does/says what he wants.
I could say the hospital has visiting times but I would be quite stressed at the thought of having to lie.

OP posts:
Original poster
floppops · 05/02/2014 08:33

Also if MIL comes to the hospital she still may want to come to the house when we get home too. I will need to get it sorted with her myself.

OP posts:
PrincessChick · 05/02/2014 08:36

I don't think you have to lie. I just think you arrange ashore visit. See how you feel after the cs and the get your DH to call his mum with a time / directions for the next day. Just a thought, if she has to drive 2 hours and has a short visit with you could your mum make her lunch or something to eat so and gets to see dgd as well? Having another fixed arrangement will give her something else to look forward to, make her feel pampered and more importantly take the pressure off you?

Custardo · 05/02/2014 08:36

I think honesty is the best policy here just tell her you will give her a ring when you are settled

please update after it happens and good luck

PrincessChick · 05/02/2014 08:38

A short not ashore. And then home for mil after seeing your dd. I think you're entitled to go home and get settled before any more visitors. X

milk · 05/02/2014 08:42

"I'm a having a csection on a Monday"

Tell MIL you are having it Monday 7 days later, then when she finds out you had it 7 days previously say you had pregnancy brain and got the dates confused Grin

remotecontrols · 05/02/2014 08:52

He also doesn't take orders/directions from me so when people are advising I tell DH to do such and such it isn't relevant. He either says no or ignores it or says yes and doesn't do it. He does/says what he wants

Is it orders if you say how you feel about something to him? He sounds abusive from the way you talk about him Hmm

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