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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DP for financial support on mat leave?

280 replies

BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 11:43

I'm going back to work in a few weeks when DS is 7 months old. After a decent maternity package, I'm now on SMP only and frankly struggling.

DP earns a little more than I do. He has no debts and pays 200 a month in maintenance for his other son.

I have spent the last few years living on the absolute minimum in order to reduce my debts. In the last month before DS was born I paid off two loans to reduce my outgoings by 250 a month.

We each pay a similar amount into the joint account every month (tho I have always paid around 20 more).

For the first 4 months of mat leave, I paid in 100 extra a month to save up for this time and we have a significant amount in the joint account.

However, DP still expected me to pay in. I paid in half, which leaves me with 250 to cover my personal outgoings. Unless I use my overdraft (trying not to as took ages to clear before) I therefore have NOTHING left over.

We both use a budgeting system whereby we work out how much disposable income we have and divide it by number of weeks. By this system, he regularly has 100 left over at the end of the week that goes into his (personal) savings and is able to spend whatever he wants on himself - clothes, PS4, etc

Am I being unreasonable to think this is ridiculous? During a row yesterday I asked him for 100 so I could get a months' worth of shopping and he yelled why should he have to pay for everything.

I know I have left this late but how can I reasonably appeal to him for assistance?

OP posts:
echt · 04/02/2014 10:54

This is, unfortunately, an unusual thread in that you don't have to read the whole of it. The OP says enough.

Ask a partner for support?

Jesus.H.Christ.

Bloody sad. I'm not in the UK, so don't know the figures on money as alone parent, but your DP sounds like a right knobbed, and you sound better off without him.

All the best.

echt · 04/02/2014 10:54

A lone.

Knobber.

Poppylovescheese · 04/02/2014 10:57

This is my first ever LTB! Seriously you cannot live like this.

pointythings · 04/02/2014 11:48

LTB. I don't say this readily, but seriously. This man does not consider you his partner, and he does not consider himself a father - he wants the bachelor life and doesn't care about you. It isn't even about completely shared finances - DH and I don't have any joint accounts and we've been married almost 16 years. Instead we talk openly about money, set out what we each spend every quarter or so and adjust. At the moment DH puts a monthly direct debit into my account because I pay for utilities, insurance, the car, everything to do with the DDs and groceries. He pays for the big ticket items - holidays, the new cooker we are about to need, having the garden redone. We earn about the same, on the whole I pay more so every once in a while he will ask me what he 'owes' me and if there's any, he'll give it me.

We like having separate finances and it's easier because he gets paid in a different currency to me, but we have complete trust. I know exactly how much he has in savings and this money is considered ours, not his.

homeaway · 04/02/2014 14:32

" Leaving isn't simple. Staying is depressing. I can't think straight."

Sorry it did not go well last night, you words above say a lot about the situation. Only you can decide what you should do but as others have said you don't have to rush into anything. What will your life be like if you stay and how would things have to change for you to be happy?

This sounds a bit spiritual but you only have one life , everybody deserves to be happy.

Do you have real life support as in anybody you can talk to ?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/02/2014 15:12

I am sorry the conversation didn't go well. Not knowing either of you I don't know if this is how he always reacts in a crisis - defensive, shouty, trying to regain control by drowning you out - or whether he never takes you seriously so makes light of anything out of his comfort zone, (inappropriate reactions or refusal to accept what is happening). Is he hoping you'll now drop the subject or will he raise it with you and try and thrash out a new approach?

If he has the grace to do this then it could be possible to sort this out before you go back to work.
If not I'm afraid he is going to disregard all you said and keep doing his own thing.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/02/2014 15:23

Only read this through properly just now, was trying to focus on the money issue:
Re name: we eventually came up with something we both agreed on - but he reneged on DS having my dad's name as middle name and insisted on there being two middle names including his dad's.

Oh dear.

squoosh · 04/02/2014 15:26

Oh I'd missed that bit Donkeys. That really speaks volumes.

TypicaLibra · 04/02/2014 19:47

So he compromised on the first name that he was determined to have, but then punished you by not allowing your dad's name to be a middle name. He really is a nasty piece of work OP, and I hope you can find a way to move on with your life without him. Agree with someone upthread who said that 'ingrained selfishness' is not a trait that can be fixed.

GatoradeMeBitch · 04/02/2014 19:57

Jesus. I'm sorry OP, but he's just horrible. I mean, my ex was a bit of a knobhead, but I can't imagine a scenario where he'd let me go hungry while spending his own money on clothes and toys! The baby is his responsibility too, but he's treating you like a flatmate who's not pulling their weiight! Seriously, you might want to think hard about whether you want this guy to be your child's main male role model.

If I were you I'd go and stay with your parents for a week or two (or three or four), get a bit of peace and quiet, and let him work out the sums involved in supporting two children he's not living with.

AnUnearthlyChild · 04/02/2014 20:02

why can't I do what I want with what I earn

Er, because it isn't your money, it is FAMILY money. That's what happens when you have a family.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2014 20:22

He's a really selfish douchebag.

LedareAnsley · 04/02/2014 20:33

XH is like this. Lives with mother. No expenses for utilities, food, rent - doesn't even have to buy his own razor blades but what he earns is his money. The analogy of the fifteen yo with a paper round is so true of some people. It's pocket money to him and why should his DC have any of it?

missfliss · 04/02/2014 20:37

Please leave him. This is madness. Obviously I know DC needs to maintain contact, but he is not a partner, he is actually holding you back from happiness and support

NewtRipley · 04/02/2014 20:42

God how awful. You don't even sounds as if you like him

NewtRipley · 04/02/2014 20:43

sound

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 04/02/2014 20:47

" 'why should I pay for your debts'. Which I suppose is fair enough."

WTF?!?!? You ONLY have debts because YOU HELPED PAY HIS EX OFF FFS.

DH works while I stay at home. I get an allowance each month as it is easier for us that way which is used for groceries, petrol, kids clothes and shoes. DH has about a tenner to spend on himself each month once all the bills have been paid.

Put this "man" straight in that he wouldn't have any fucking money to spend as he wants since he earns it if you weren't at home with the baby. His precious money would be going on child care. Twat.

Tabliope · 04/02/2014 21:09

I feel so sorry for your situation, trapped with a man like that. However, you're not trapped forever, remember that. I'd tell him also, 'D'H don't plan on ever getting seriously ill or out of work again because how you're behaving now might come back and bite you on the arse. Think about that. On maternity leave everything should be pooled and you spend according to need and see what's left over. Once you're back at work you can arrange it however it suits. I'd love you to win the lottery and not spend any on him Smile

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/02/2014 21:19

Oh poor you OP :(
Sounds miserable and I'd like to give you a big hug.

He's not being nice is he? Not thinking about you and your baby, just himself.

I hope you get it sorted, but if not, please don't continue to love with someone so selfish, it will grind you down. Your patents sound nice, maybe talk to them?

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 04/02/2014 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/02/2014 21:54

Wow. Errr, so it's fake because you can't imagine it happening within your own personal circumstances?

Empathy and understand of different living circumstances?

Clargo55 · 04/02/2014 22:17

Why can't he do what he likes with what he earns? Sad

He doesn't 'earn' for him, he should be earning for his family. You are his family, how can he not see this Angry

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 04/02/2014 22:17

95% of the time I reply at face value.
There's no harm in that, even if you suspect a post is fake, it throws up interesting scenarios and dynamics, the replies to which no doubt might help some readers.

I rarely suspect any posts of being untrue. Just the way I am I suppose.

Clargo55 · 04/02/2014 22:20

I've seen Brave around before, I don't think this is fake.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 04/02/2014 22:22

I tend to reply at face value too. I would prefer to be caught out than not give a real person the support and answers they need.