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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP for financial support on mat leave?

280 replies

BraveLilBear · 03/02/2014 11:43

I'm going back to work in a few weeks when DS is 7 months old. After a decent maternity package, I'm now on SMP only and frankly struggling.

DP earns a little more than I do. He has no debts and pays 200 a month in maintenance for his other son.

I have spent the last few years living on the absolute minimum in order to reduce my debts. In the last month before DS was born I paid off two loans to reduce my outgoings by 250 a month.

We each pay a similar amount into the joint account every month (tho I have always paid around 20 more).

For the first 4 months of mat leave, I paid in 100 extra a month to save up for this time and we have a significant amount in the joint account.

However, DP still expected me to pay in. I paid in half, which leaves me with 250 to cover my personal outgoings. Unless I use my overdraft (trying not to as took ages to clear before) I therefore have NOTHING left over.

We both use a budgeting system whereby we work out how much disposable income we have and divide it by number of weeks. By this system, he regularly has 100 left over at the end of the week that goes into his (personal) savings and is able to spend whatever he wants on himself - clothes, PS4, etc

Am I being unreasonable to think this is ridiculous? During a row yesterday I asked him for 100 so I could get a months' worth of shopping and he yelled why should he have to pay for everything.

I know I have left this late but how can I reasonably appeal to him for assistance?

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 04/02/2014 06:42

Sold it to him? For what? Doesn't look like OP gets much back.

EirikurNoromaour · 04/02/2014 07:19

we had an interesting 'chat' - I'll be avoiding the neighbours for a few days and fully expect DS to have his first ear infection

What does this mean? Did you have a screaming row? Did he hurt you?

I hope you are starting to see how deeply his selfishness runs. I don't think you are ever going to find an equitable solution because he will resent 'sharing' 'his' money with you. He's nasty.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 04/02/2014 07:25

I am going on my second maternity leave soon. Both times, dh has done overtime to build up the savings and has been absolutely insistent that any money left over after bills, mortgage, groceries, child-expenses, credit card payments etc is split absolutely equally between us so we have the exact same amount to spend on ourselves. Even if that remaining figure is very low. We have a joint account and our own accounts but everything is shared - incomings, outgoings, debts - andwe are always in the same financial position.

I don't understand what he expected to happen if he didn't pay for groceries and you couldn't - no food for a month? How can he be happy with his new treats whilst you have nothing?

When you have a family you can't afford the frivolous things as much as you used to. In exchange, you get the joy of your children and the knowledge that one day your finances will recover! It can feel dreary going to work and feeling like you have nothing to show for it because you can't afford a coffee out or a magazine but you do have something to show for it if you have a happy and well looked after family. My mat leave will make us skint temporarily but we all benefit overall.

Good luck for the future, OP.

CheerfulYank · 04/02/2014 07:40

He's terrible, sorry.

My DH works. I stay home with the kids for the most part (I work about two evenings a week managing a cinema). Everything we get goes into one account and we just spend what we need. We're a family.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 04/02/2014 07:42

I think it does not say anthing good about him as a partner, a father or a member of the human race that what he wants is crap for himself above things the child he has created needs or the woman carrying his child needs.
your earnings are suspended because you are having a child. His child. This decision will impact on you financially for the rest of your life. It isnt a good sign that he wants that to be your problem!
and as for the vitamins. Words fail me.
you dont have enough money to spend 3 quid on vitamins while he has hundreds to spend on himself and he acts like hes a superstar for providing them?

I honestly do not know what to say to you to describe how utterly fucked up this is.

merrymouse · 04/02/2014 07:53

I don't think you can have a good long term relationship

  1. Where one partner has more financial power than the other
  2. Where you don't more or less agree on spending priorities.
auntpetunia · 04/02/2014 07:58

why do you need his permission to take money from the joint account? especially to buy groceries? I would have thought that is exactly what a joint accout is for. he's got you well trained to expect so little. he has no point...anyone will say pay off debts before spending on frivolity. the interest on loans is. what cripples people financially.

I think all money into joint all bills etc out including food and baby stuff. then put some in "savings " and some equal amount to spend.

FudgefaceMcZ · 04/02/2014 08:04

OK, for perspective, OP, so you realise this is not normal behaviour for men (or indeed human beings!):
This Easter me and my kids (not his kids, and he's never lived with us, because I am scared of moving in together with anyone after exes) are going on holiday with my boyfriend. We have booked a holiday rental, which he has paid the deposit for. I offered to pay 2/3 (rather than 1/2) of the cost of the rental because I am bringing 2 kids whereas he is just one person. He said "No, that's silly, I have more disposable income than you". So I'm paying half (I'm hoping that I can pay for dinners out etc when we are there to make up for it, though it's near his parents so I'm not sure if they're planning to feed us).

Normal people don't resent supporting their child, or their partner while s/he's looking after their child. Your partner needs a rapid attitude adjustment.

tallwivglasses · 04/02/2014 08:16

Does he have any idea how much childcare costs? I've a feeling there's going to be a whole new argument when you go back to work Sad

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 04/02/2014 08:17

What a selfish greedy man. It hardly sounds like he has changed his point of view, just grudgingly accepted that some changes must be made.

Do you know why he split up with his ex? How did he treat her when she had his son.

You say you're returning to work soon, at his insistence. Is that what you want too?

Original poster
BraveLilBear · 04/02/2014 08:27

Up until now, the joint account has been for bills only and any left over becomes a de facto rainy day fund eg when boiler blew up 15 months ago.

Usually one of us does the big shop and the other pays half.

It was just a screaming row - he flipped, I flipped, DS was terrified. I feel so ashamed that we scared our baby Sad

I did learn some interesting things about him and the way he works. You'll be amazed to know this isn't our only issue - we visited all the usual ones along the way last night - so to learn something new after all this time was actually food for thought (tho it doesn't change his cockish attitude in this instance).

Feel thoroughly grim about everything today. Leaving isn't simple. Staying is depressing. I can't think straight.

OP posts:
Custardo · 04/02/2014 08:30

we put al our money into one pot, if theres money left over - we do something with it - if he wants something and we can afford it - he buys it and visa versa

I truly don't understand why you would live like this, wondering how you will buy vitamins, or food

and I really think this has an element of financial control about it

Chippednailvarnish · 04/02/2014 08:43

How much do you owe your Dad?

Because realistically if it is under say £10k and you were my daughter I would tell you to come home and pay me back when you can, rather than live like this...

princessalbert · 04/02/2014 09:01

Money coming in should be shared.

I can't add anymore to what EVERY other poster has told you.

If I were you I would make plans to live as a single mother. You would no doubt be financially better off - and have control of your own money.

EirikurNoromaour · 04/02/2014 09:29

Oh bless you
You know it's not working, if you can't communicate about this without screaming at each other.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 04/02/2014 09:39

I feel for you OP.
Not clear what these other issues are, but I can understand you feeling bogged down.

My advice would be to wrap your baby up and get outdoors for the day. Do some walking in the park somewhere if you can, if not march around the streets, just get some fresh air to clear your head a bit. Stop for a hot drink and something to eat and then have a think. What's the best way forward for you, how can it be achieved?

Take some time, dont panic and mull over whether you want to chat to your mom.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 04/02/2014 09:39

I feel for you OP.
Not clear what these other issues are, but I can understand you feeling bogged down.

My advice would be to wrap your baby up and get outdoors for the day. Do some walking in the park somewhere if you can, if not march around the streets, just get some fresh air to clear your head a bit. Stop for a hot drink and something to eat and then have a think. What's the best way forward for you, how can it be achieved?

Take some time, dont panic and mull over whether you want to chat to your mom.

Kendodd · 04/02/2014 09:44

If I were you I'd clear out the joint account and leave.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 04/02/2014 09:52

Sorry for double post Blush

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 04/02/2014 09:56

Do you think the ‘other issues’ basically stem from his selfishness as well? When you get right down to it?

Because I think that ingrained selfishness is a really unpleasant character trait, and it’s not one that I’ve ever seen anyone change. If your basic philosophy is that the world should be arranged around your wants and needs, and sod everyone else, then that’s a mindset it’s impossible to get rid of. IMO.

Apatite1 · 04/02/2014 10:06

What a prize.

I can't add much more advice than the many posters above have given. You don't have a family, you're having a baby with a man who doesn't value you at all. Please raise your self-esteem and leave him.

SlightlyDampWellies · 04/02/2014 10:11

TBH I'd be clearing the joint account too. That is something I would never usually think is right, but in this case- well words fail me.

I KNOW leaving is not simple, but it will not get any simpler later on. And you have the support of your parents, which is a wonderful thing. Talk to your mum.

Thanks
magso · 04/02/2014 10:17

I think you need to sit down and talk frankly about finances. It can take a while to move mindsets from partners sharing residual income between two as happens in the couple stage to thinking in terms of family income. I struggled at first with the concept of having to rely on DHs income - having always valued financial independence.
Do not run up an overdraft if it can be avoided.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 04/02/2014 10:30

Whatever you do, do not go into debt to subsidize him any further

His response being 'why can't I do what I want with what I earn' etc

Well, we could all think like that couldn't we. But if we want it to be reality we stay single and childless.

From what you write OP it seems very much as though your earnings and your earning capability is now going to be inhibited because you have a child with him. He just doesn't take that into account at all and furthermore he doesn't seem to be showing any loving thoughts towards you.

It all seems very sterile and not what I would want from a loving partnership and family bond Sad

mummytime · 04/02/2014 10:36

Go and talk to someone like CAB.
You may be a lot better off as a single Mum. With Tax credits and child support.

Sorry but as I was once told "more marriages break up over money than affairs". And if you have other issues...