To ask DP for financial support on mat leave?

[BraveLilBear]

I'm going back to work in a few weeks when DS is 7 months old. After a decent maternity package, I'm now on SMP only and frankly struggling.

DP earns a little more than I do. He has no debts and pays 200 a month in maintenance for his other son.

I have spent the last few years living on the absolute minimum in order to reduce my debts. In the last month before DS was born I paid off two loans to reduce my outgoings by 250 a month.

We each pay a similar amount into the joint account every month (tho I have always paid around 20 more).

For the first 4 months of mat leave, I paid in 100 extra a month to save up for this time and we have a significant amount in the joint account.

However, DP still expected me to pay in. I paid in half, which leaves me with 250 to cover my personal outgoings. Unless I use my overdraft (trying not to as took ages to clear before) I therefore have NOTHING left over.

We both use a budgeting system whereby we work out how much disposable income we have and divide it by number of weeks. By this system, he regularly has 100 left over at the end of the week that goes into his (personal) savings and is able to spend whatever he wants on himself - clothes, PS4, etc

Am I being unreasonable to think this is ridiculous? During a row yesterday I asked him for 100 so I could get a months' worth of shopping and he yelled why should he have to pay for everything.

I know I have left this late but how can I reasonably appeal to him for assistance?

Just plain awful,

His money is you money too, you are a family now with young child, he sounds stingy and money grabbing, this would be a deal breaker for me, there is nothing more unattractive then a man who is so tight, lay the law now, draw the money for the food shopping from joint account and all the little personal necessities you and DC need and don't explain yourself to him.
Good luck.

My mind boggles at these threads, we shared all money even before we had kids, and I find it hard to see why anyone would want to have a baby with a man who didn't want to share money...

My SIL's exH was like this, even though they were married, it didn't bother her before they had kids as she saw it as financial independence. After they had kids and she had to pay for childcare and all costs in connection with the children - meaning she had no money left, and he could afford to buy expensive car / whatever else well it didn't seem so great.

Its hard to leave but I do agree with the posters who said go to your parents if possible - at least that way you won't have to buy food! And it will give him space to think.

This thread is the exact reason why I have a solicitors appointment booked.
My DH is so set in the " this is my money so I get to keep it" mindset that I have resorted to hiding the best food for me and the DCs as he never offers to pay for groceries and think it just appears courtesy of the food fairies.
OP do not let your situation get so low as it's humiliating and there are no winners.
Your Dh is inherently selfish and no amount of talking will change him.
Leave now with your dignity intact.

Amicus

I've had plenty issues with exs but money was never one of them.
First ex when we lived together with my ds and his ds, he just got his wages paid into my account as all the bills already came off it.
Next one (sounds like a production line), wages were paid in cash and unopened envelope handed over.
Aye you widnae bring a broken pay poke hame tae me
Seriously though if your living together you are a family not flatmates, any leftover money we had was spent as we BOTH decided, individual stuff, family stuff, house stuff etc, ive usually had free reign and tend to spend on making the house nice for everyone or on the kids there is no way any of us would be sitting with that amount of leftover cash week after week and the other struggling.

Oh please don't spend the rest of your life like this.

I know.
How bad is it when you hide coffee in the gravy tub and sugar in the rice box!
OP stop thinking you can change his mindset. It will never happen.

I feel like sending you a food parcel Amicus

There is nothing you say that makes this man sound anything other than a first class, tight arsed toss pot - sorry Brave but you & your DS deserve better than this :(

Amicus.

I hate these threads - not, I hasten to add, people asking for support, but that so many are in this situation. Financial abuse is such a nasty and insidious form, and the victims always seem to worry that they might be being grasping or unreasonable if they protest - because that's how the abuser portrays it to them.

Amicus that's awful :(

No, I'm not a fake. I don't have time to get my laptop out these days so I MN from my phone and so couldn't NC, although I did think about it (but didn't as didn't expect this kind of reaction).

Without inviting a flaming, a significant part of this present dilemma is down to my failing to miss the change from separate money to family money (having always been staunchly independent and lacking in self esteem with regard to money).

This is compounded by the fact that I have a 'script' that you're not supposed to ask for material existence - you should wait for someone to offer.

Clearly that was never going to happen here! But I can't blame him for not making that distinction when I didn't. We did discuss maternity leave way before ttc, and when he said 'can you afford mat leave and childcare' I made sure that I could. At that time I was earning quite a lot more than him and his job wasn't permanent.

He started his new role a year ago.

Since our 'discussion' yesterday, things are much improved and I do think he's genuinely cottoned on to my point of view - not that he will admit to it. I went to the supermarket earlier with a spring in my step knowing I could finally buy some bits for DS I've had my eye on for a while (nothing essential, although the need was increasing). DP met me there to get some cat litter and offered to pay for all of it. Rock n roll, I know. But this wouldn't have happened before.

To be clear, the debts I have are personal ones, incurred in a previous relationship due to another selfish man. We will both be paying for the remortgage debt to pay back my DF.

Going forward, mat leave notwithstanding, we will both be contributing equally to the joint acc and I will be hammering home the concept of family money and fair/equal 'spends'.

This AIBU intervention experience has taught me that my beliefs about money (and love and respect) in relationships has been flawed my entire life. In my first relationship I was engaged to a man who earned double what I did yet still expected me to pay equally into house expenses even while temporarily living away on a training course (where I was also needing to pay rent).

Money is not the only problem in this current relationship but now I know this pattern of behaviour is unusual and apparently there are considerate men out there, I know that if things don't improve across the board I have other options - and will take them.

I appreciate all of your thoughts and experiences here. Without them, I don't know if I would ever truly realise the extent of DP's unreasonability.

*material assistance

I'm really pleased you updated this Bear ... it is a step in the right direction on your DPs part - I wish you luck going forward, but as you say at least now you know there are options if his behaviour and attitude lapses.

brave I absolutely agree that your expectations are different. In most families, all money coming in is family money, and not "mine to do whatever I want with it". First this pooled money should cover everything necessary for the family - that includes bills, but also groceries and everything for the baby (and the cat). That's the part your DP seems to be having difficulties understanding - it's not just him any more.
Do you think you could sit down and change the way your finances work (well, don't work) at the moment by transferring all your income to the joint account, that you could then use for everything that the family needs, not just bills?

Really great that he seems to be realising the error of his ways financially.

I agree that now, you need to look at the equality in your relationship in other areas and demand your fair share.

You are a family and decisions must all be based on the greater good for the family. Mutual respect for each others viewpoints and compromise from you both. His feelings should not always override yours.

Stand up for your rights and demand respect from him. I think you now realise you have undervalued yourself in other areas of your relationship, as well as financially.

Good luck in working out a great partnership.

Very sorry to hear that Amicus and I hope you get sorted out and make a decent life for yourself.

Lilbear, good luck and don't ever confuse the right amount of independence with being taken for a mug, again.
Hopefully you'll get your finances as a family all ship shape and then work on any other issues. Thanks for updating and I'm really glad this thread has helped.

Its great to hear that maybe he's had a think about your point of view. I hope he changes some of his behaviours. On the one hand people don't change but if he changes his beliefs on something (or maybe he's sounded out some friends) perhaps you'll see some difference.

Have you decided how you (plural) will be paying for childcare for your (plural) child when you go back to work? If not perhaps its time to discuss.

Good Luck!

Jack here makes a good point. If your DP thinks you should be paying 50/50, then is he also willing to do half of the rest - pick-ups, drop-offs, staying home if the baby is ill etc? Kids will pick upp all kinds of bugs when they first start nursery, and it will affect your career and earnings, if you always have leave early or take numerous days off.

Childcare costs are sorted - we'll both get vouchers and split the rest.

He works 75-90 minutes away at the moment so pick ups and drop offs will be my domain (barring exceptional circumstances). We have discussed illness cover and he has said he will help where possible - he has a job he can do from home on occasion whereas I don't.

I expect I'll be off slightly more than him but set the stall out a while ago that I would not be taking the brunt of DS being at nursery.

Hazle putting all in would be unrealistic at this stage but we will be using the joint account very differently going forward - much more going in, more coming back out.

Wishing you all the best moving forward.

It sounds as if you have made a lot of positive changes, and so has he - well done to both of you.

OP that's fantastic news, all sounds very positive, and YYYY to the advice above not to confuse being independent with being a mug! Best of luck to you both x

"Can you afford maternity leave and childcare?" FGS! Did that not set alarm bells ringing?

So at that point he thought of the baby as totally your financial responsibility. What did you reply, what did you think about that at the time?

Perhaps everyone should sit down and have a big discussion with their partner about things like this before TTC, before moving in together/getting engaged or maybe even before going on the first date(!)

Wish you all the best. Hopefully he has seen the error of his ways.

" and when he said 'can you afford mat leave and childcare' I made sure that I could."
Yes, that should have been when your suspicions were first raised. It should have been "can WE afford it?" It's his child too, ffs. Why the hell should you give up your income and live on a pittance whilst he swans around spending "his" money secure in the knowledge that you're caring for his child for free.

Why do some men think that as the woman is looking after the child they should entirely pay for it too?