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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 year old going to MIL alone for the weekend - 200 miles away

266 replies

TooSweetToBeWholesome · 02/02/2014 23:00

MIL and DH are keen for DS to visit MIL and her partner for entire weekends, without his parents and just on his own. DS is two. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? He cannot talk yet. The plan involves meeting MIL half way up the motorway and handing him over at a service station to MIL for the weekend.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2014 12:59

Well she will soon see once she cannot sooth a sobbing 2 year old who just wants his mummy and daddy.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2014 13:01

If tgey really want to be involved in their grandsons life why don't they move near, why do you have to do the running, and a little baby getting distressed all because granny wants me to e with him

Teds77 · 25/02/2014 17:04

I think you've made the right decision but did just want to shout out for the grandparents who live 200 miles away!

My DM lives 200 miles from me but has visited my DTs every fortnight since they were born. She has done two days a fortnight childcare for me since they were 13 months. Yes I massively take advantage of her good nature but she wants a relationship with her grandkids so she puts in this time and commitment and in turn at 19 months they now adore her. So I would consider leaving my DTs with her 200 miles away in the future but I agree that 2 is a bit young.

DM has a similar relationship with my DB and DSIL's kids who are about 100 miles from her. My niece has stayed overnight with my DM and DD a few times but her first time was when she was about 2.5. And my Mum didn't suggest it - my niece did Smile. But this is when being able to talk (and having a grandparent that can follow that child's words) matters. My niece got very upset at the offer of ice cream when they arrived at my DM's. Hard to believe I know! Luckily she was able to explain this was because she was really hungry and needed her tea straight away rather than ice cream! A quick cuddle and a hastily made tea resolved everything. But I imagine this could have been very stressful if no one understood each other!

TooTiredToBeSleeping · 15/03/2014 11:08

Hello. I'm not familiar with all these acronyms but I'm fairly sure I'm the 'DH'. I've just been made aware of this thread by the OP and having skimmed it I can't resist chiming in.

The situation: we have two kids, one is just over two 2 years old the other is 7 months old. I am a full time father, TooSweetToBeWholesome works a nine to five job. Neither of us have family within 200 miles so we're doing this without much in the way of support. I sometimes feel like I need a day off, and driving a family of four 200 miles each way to sleep in the spare room of a family member doesn't really constitute what I'd call a break especially when you factor in all the extra hassle of travelling with two very young children and the fact that I'm expected to be somewhat sociable, when all I really want to do is crawl into a hole and be left alone for a while. We do it so they can see their relatives, but I don't exactly feel recharged when we get home. As a possible solution my mother suggested handing over my son - the oldest and most time consuming of the two - for a weekend. I saw this as a win win, and didn't worry about him being phased as he was at that time remarkably comfortable with other people and not at all clingy (this has started to change recently). TooSweetToBeWholesome didn't like the idea but was either unwilling or unable to tell me why. First she said she doesn't like the idea of him being cared for by anyone other than his parents, at least at his current age, even for a short time. When I pointed out that this doesn't seem to tally with her constant pushing for our son to spend some of his time in day care she just dropped the day care thing, rather than explaining what the difference was. Then she said she doesn't want to give me her reasons because I'll just argue about it. So much for communication. Instead, she pointed me in the direction of this thread as "evidence" that she is NBU.

She's put her foot down and that's the end of it so discussion is academic at this point, but I'm still curious to see what mumsnet thinks having heard another side to the story.

Pimpf · 15/03/2014 11:14

Your child, you decide what happens. If you don't like it you are well within your rights to say no, he's too young at the moment.

I agree it could confuse him and make him anxious. However when he's older it will be a huge adventure and he'll love it.

For as long as I can remember I used to spend several weeks in the summer holidays with my gp and it was great, but I'm pretty sure I was a lot older than 2, and I knew and loved my gp.

Yanbu

Mintyy · 15/03/2014 11:16

He is too young to spend such a long time with people he hardly knows. Its really simple.

By the way, how is your wife supposed to work without "daycare"?

Mintyy · 15/03/2014 11:17

My comment was to the dh, by the way.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 15/03/2014 11:18

I still think the handover plan is a bad idea and I would also have reservations regarding the grandparents 'having a go' when not allowed to take the baby away on holiday.

I appreciate that the SAHP wants and deserves a break, certainly. I don't think this particular plan is in the toddler's interests for all the reasons stated above.

Pimpf · 15/03/2014 11:19

There is a huge difference between you child being at day care for a few hours and going home with your parents at the end of each to familiar surroundings and your own toys etc, to being in a home that is not your own and with people who do things differently to what your used to and not seeing your parents. Also a child might see it that they've been pushed out, as you've said yourself, the other child would remain at home with you.

I feel that age 2 is very young for this. There's plenty of time to do this when he's older.

Why can't your relatives come visit you?

Pimpf · 15/03/2014 11:21

Just realised that you are the sahp, I agree, you need a break, day care for a few hours sounds ideal, why not give it a go.

Pimpf · 15/03/2014 11:24

Btw, your mum sounds very overbearing tootired. She might mean well but if she's made an offer that has been refused, she should stop trying to take over, you and your wife need to support each other here, these early years are tough enough.

I hope you find a solution that you are both comfortable with.

CSIJanner · 15/03/2014 11:25

TooTired - I understand the need for a break but even as a the main carer for my children, both DH and I agree that if we were to have one of if children to stay over, then it would be local and more importantly, we would build up the relationship with the person who our children will stay with as opposed to sporadic visits, even if they were family members. So sorry - even if you need a break, I wouldn't be in agreement to sending a child away 200miles for a weekend. And this is from someone who has been there. There are solutions though once the DC have seen your mum more - you could drop your son off at your MIL's and then stay at a hotel in the local area so you're near.

My much older sister sent her 3 children to our parents when I was a child for a break. The screaming started at bedtime. At 1030 DF was on the phone asking them if it would be possible for them to collect the upset child. She didn't and the screaming continued until the child was exhausted. I love my DNeices and DNephew but unfortunately they never slept over again as it wasn't fair on them.

TooTiredToBeSleeping · 15/03/2014 11:26

"being in a home that is not your own and with people who do things differently to what your used to and not seeing your parents. Also a child might see it that they've been pushed out, as you've said yourself, the other child would remain at home with you."

And the difference between that and day care is what exactly?

gertiegusset · 15/03/2014 11:28

DD stayed with her Granny for a whole week when she was 13 months when we went away.
They both had a ball and went on to be very close and had a lovely relationship.
But then I totally trusted Mum and wouldn't have done it with PiL because neither DP or I even liked them.

CSIJanner · 15/03/2014 11:29

The difference with daycare is that a child has settling in sessions. The daycare is local and they get to know the situation as opposed being driven 200 miles via a service station. If your child is ill, you're nearby and more importantly, your child gets to goto their own home each night.

The main question you should be asking is what is I the child's best interest!?

wannabestressfree · 15/03/2014 11:29

Perhaps she is hoping with daycare you may feel less inclined to 'crawl into a hole'
Also if she is working 9-5 her weekends will be spent with the children? She might not want them disappearing at the weekend...

MommyBird · 15/03/2014 11:31

Im a SAHP and my DH works full time from about 8-3ish. We have a 4year old and 7 month old.
Honestly, i know how you feel!

But i wouldn't be ok with any of my DDs being that far away from me, for 2 days, with people they don't know. Its not a few hours..its 2 whole days!
From my POV i can imagine how you feel but it's really not about you, its about what is best for your child.

TooTiredToBeSleeping · 15/03/2014 11:32

@pimpf
Mother is overbearing for sure, but you can't pick your relatives. I don't agree with her (my mother) blowing up about this, she has no rights or claims here afaic. It was an offer, it was refused, she has to deal with that. It'd be nice if she dealt with it more gracefully but what can you do.

TooTiredToBeSleeping · 15/03/2014 11:39

MIL is a qualified nurse with 20 years experience in health care. If child fell ill I'd rather he was with her than with the fuckwits they employ at day care centres.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 15/03/2014 11:48

Too Tired I suspect you just lost everyone's sympathy with the 'fuckwits' comments. Plenty of good childcare exists. If you don't want to use it, fine, but the answer is not to inflict a traumatic and frightening experience on your non-verbal toddler by abandoning him with virtual strangers in an unfamiliar place with no possibility of him understanding that you will ever return.

CSIJanner · 15/03/2014 11:49

"MIL is a qualified nurse with 20 years experience in health care. If child fell ill I'd rather he was with her than with the fuckwits they employ at day care centres."

Bingo - so's my MIL who lives 2hours away, but I'd rather my child be local in a moment of illness. The only people your child wants when they're ill are they're parents.

But your dismissive wording of nursery workers kinda shows me why your wife came onto an anon forum to canvas opinions. So I'll now out of this thread now as I don't think you really want to hear the other points of view. I hope you find a solution and get a break soon.

SliceOfLime · 15/03/2014 11:53

TooTired, I'm a SAHP too and believe me I know how it feels to need a break. However I think both parents have to be in agreement about something like this - if one is uncomfortable with it, it's a no go, whatever the reason. For me the distance away would make it a no - as others have said, if the child is distressed and want their parents, at this age, I want to be able to get my daughter (she is 2.5) in minutes really.

Pimpf · 15/03/2014 11:54

Tootired, There is a huge difference to between daycare and being at a relatives 200 miles away. Daycare is for a few hours a day going home to your parents at the end of that day. You mums is for a full 2 days, not seeing you (his main carer) or his mum.

I'm not saying that your mum isn't qualified to look after your son, but if he gets sick, he will want you and his mum. If he's at daycare, you are close by to allow that to happen, if he's at your mums, you're not.

You agree that your mum is overbearing then say but what can you do. You can support your wife rather than get cross with her.

As I said above, I agree, you need a break, but your mums suggestion doesn't work for your family, you need to look at other options

Shallishanti · 15/03/2014 12:01

Being a qualified and experienced nurse is not the same thing as being able to empathise with a toddler and understand the importance of their attachment to primary carers (GM's insistence that LO would be fine demonstrates this)- and this is one reason why the visit should not take place. Of course if he was ill she would be competent to tend to his physical needs, and assess how seriously ill he was. But the chances of him being ill are remote compared to the chances of him feeling distressed and abandoned.
It's a long time since I used childcare but what I remember is that people who work in childcare were very aware of the developmental/emotional needs of small children, hence they are able to 'stand in' for primary carers.

TooTiredToBeSleeping · 15/03/2014 12:07

So let me get this right - if the child falls ill it's more important that their unqualified parent can get to them than it is for them to already be in the care of a qualified nurse. And this is what is called the "child's best interests"?