2 year old going to MIL alone for the weekend - 200 miles away

[TooSweetToBeWholesome]

MIL and DH are keen for DS to visit MIL and her partner for entire weekends, without his parents and just on his own. DS is two. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? He cannot talk yet. The plan involves meeting MIL half way up the motorway and handing him over at a service station to MIL for the weekend.

Re: traumatic/abandoned. Wouldn't want him to feel like that, obviously. Wouldn't have thought it a good idea if I thought there was any chance of him feeling that way. Not all children do feel that way when not around their parents. GM is not a stranger, he knows her and her house. That doesn't guarantee he'd feel completely at ease at her house without us there, but words like "traumatic" and "abandonded" seem a little dramatic to me.

have you never cared for a sick child?
They regress instantly and become clingy, they need the person who they know and trust best. That's why children's wards welcome parents staying with their child 24/7. I take it GM is not a children's nurse. If the child is so ill they need a qualified nurse they should be in hospital anyway WITH THEIR PARENT.
But this is beside the point.

Try a thought experiment. Imagine being taken without your consent, to a foreign country, unexpectedly, and left in a house you didn't know. You are completely dependent for everything on the people in the house but you have no way of making yourself understood to them. You have no way of knowing how long you will be there or if you will ever see your home again. The food and everything else is unfamiliar.
How does that feel?

Tootired, I know we're you are coming from as I am in a similar situation, I am not a SAHM (in fact, I have 2 jobs), have raising my child on my own for several years. The nearest member of my family is thousands of miles away, so I understand what it means wanting a break (I have had a night "off parental duties" in three years, yes, ONE), and would love to have someone around who could give me some respite while at the same time give DS the sense of involved extended family I had while growing up.

My MIL, who lives hundreds of miles a way, insists in taking him with her for a week. There is no chance that that will happen anytime soon, simply put, as much as she loves DS, she is slightly short of a stranger as they only see each other once in a blue moon, the cannot communicate and my MIL's more recent experience of dealing with children overnight dates back to circa 1980. Frankly, I would feel more comfortable for him to spend a week at my neighbours' than to send him so far away for a weekend.

I think however that you need some support and respite from all the work two small children provide so, I would take the offer of day care but get both the children in on the same day so you can get at least a morning of undisrupted "me" time. You really need it.

I am a grandmother to two (2 and 3 years old). We live a long way away at the moment. I adore them both but would never put my son and DiL under pressure to have overnight visits until they feel that the boys are ready for it.

I think you need to listen to your wife's concerns and wait until the child is really ready to be away from home.

I appreciate that you feel tired and stressed. It goes with the territory! Sending your two year old away with his grandparents (no matter how fond they are of him) could well result in the return of a very distressed and difficult to settle little boy.

Is it really worth the risk to his emotional well being?

Wait at least until he is able to verbalise...and probably longer.

Shall I... I'm sure he has cared for a sick child, he is a stay at home parent, so he knows. He just needs a break and some support as many other SAHMs do from time to time.

MIL is asking what I think will happen if DS visits alone

If I've understood you correctly and he hasn't spent that much time with your DH's DM, he will wonder why he is in a house with someone he doesn't know particularly well, and where his parents are. That's what'll happen.

She's not considering whether or not he'd enjoy her company for a whole weekend to the extent where he would be OK without his parents. Given that level of self-centredness, I hope you stand your ground with your DH, OP. He doesn't sound like he is thinking with much adult independence here, but is just trying to please his mother at the expense of his child.

So let me get this right - if the child falls ill it's more important that their unqualified parent can get to them than it is for them to already be in the care of a qualified nurse. And this is what is called the "child's best interests"?

It isn't an either/or situation. You are extremely rude about day care workers but (imo) very generous about the abilities of nurses to diagnose/treat illness. Your mother would have to call an ambulance if there were a serious problem, wouldn't she? I assume she wouldn't reach for the scalpel and proceed alone? In the same way, the person in charge of daycare would call an ambulance.

The presence of a parent is to ensure that the child feels safe and less stressed than he would otherwise be. In an emergency, an ambulance would still be required.

I'd like to ask you, though - do you honestly think it's ok to despatch your 2 year old to an unfamiliar person 200 miles away? Or are you so tired and desperate that you aren't thinking straight? If it's the latter, you need to tackle that problem.

I'm a granny of the mother-in-law variety - in order to help out, we moved closer to my grandchildren at the request of the parents. We do a fair bit of child care but my priorities are the same of those of the parents - to do what is best for the children. If I were to disagree with decisions they made, I'd keep schtum. They are not my children, and it's not for me to be huffy or critical of decisions made about their welfare.

I see mine a lot, including whole days while their parents work, and even I wouldn't dream of taking them away for weekends just yet. The elder one is just 3 and very verbal - he does come to stay overnight, but we live a ten-minute drive from his parents.

tootired if the roles were reversed and this was a sahm saying she wanted her dc to go to her parents for a break but her husband said no then she would be told he was a controlling jerk and to ltb or that he needed to pull his finger out and do more so she could get more rest. Are you actually happy being a sahp or do you feel you have no choice?

Hmm, ok, thanks to those who replied for your thoughts. "He might feel distressed" seems to be a common reply, and in truth I have no way to know that he wouldn't.

@jacks365

Yes, it's called [b]mums[/b]net for a reason. I'm aware of the bias. I don't think that makes everything said here irrelevant or wrong.

SAHP = full time parent, I assume. Am I happy? Sort of. I'm not sure I'm cut out for it, and the guilt guilt guilt can weigh you down. But I know myself well enough to know that if I were working and not the SAHP then I wouldn't ever have known my kids in quite the way I do now.

It seems there are 2 distinct issues here.

1. GM wants to spend time with GS- quite understandable and to be welcomed
2. SAHP needs a break- quite understandable, and deserved.

Just deal with these 2 separately and all will be well.

Too Tired I chose the words 'traumatic' and 'abandoned' deliberately. I am guessing that with your views on childcare and lack of local family, you haven't left your children very much. Settling my 3yo into pre-school was the most distressing parenting experience I have had - it is a great setting, ten minutes from my home and he only has 3hr sessions. The first week, I came away from drop-off sobbing. The experience of leaving your distressed and bewildered child somewhere that is unfamiliar and frightening to them is horrendous - don't underestimate it! I truly believe that attending pre-school is in his best interests, we managed the settling in gently and he now loves it and is reaping fantastic benefits. If I had been leaving him in that state in a service station, knowing I wouldn't see him for 48hrs...I couldn't have done it. That, I truly believe, would be traumatic for you all. And he would feel abandoned - he couldn't have any concept that this wouldn't be the case.

Honestly, I don't get how this plan would even be a break for you anyway. You still have to drive 100 miles on the motorway, culminating in what is likely to be an incredibly upsetting handover which will leave you feeling like shit. You then drive 100 miles back again and spend your 'relaxing break' looking after your 7mo baby anyway, combined with worrying about your toddler. The next day you drive another 200 mile round trip. Then you are likely to have a harder week than usual to follow with your now-unsettled toddler. You have to be able to find a better way of getting a break than this!

I know what you mean I'm a sahp myself. I just get a sense of hopelessness from you and possibly a feeling of lack of control and I wonder whether you would be happier working maybe part time if not full. Being a sahp isn't for everyone

Did your MIL regularly let her own children go on extended breaks with her MIL back in the day?

He's only 2, I think too young for a whole weekend away with people he doesn't have day to day interactions with. Your MIL may need reminding she's not actually the most important person in this, the child is.

Why sinister? We've done this with ours a couple of times a year since they were about 1. Their grandparents love having them, the kids tend to behave better when at grandparents on their own, and DH an I get a night away/ at home, with a lie in. I always get back to the kids refreshed and keen to see them, and they have really exciting stories of things they've done.
However if you're not comfortable with it, then it's a no!

TooTired, I'm not sure you can just shrug off the issue about how badly your mum is taking this on the grounds that you can't choose your family.

The problem is that if her attitude suggests to your wife a lack of respect for her / your parenting decisions then this is going to make your wife much, much more wary of "handing over" your child to her. And wasn't there something about your mum's partner having a go at your wife too? I do think you're less likely to trust someone with your child if they have form for trampling over your feelings / views.

And, while it's a side issue, I don't think being an experienced nurse automatically makes you the best person to be in charge of an ill grandchild, either. Funnily enough my MIL was also an experienced nurse (retired now) & she's made some hilariously bad misdiagnoses of family health conditions over the years. Coupled with her total self-confidence (& her mantra that "good health advice doesn't change", which led her to be very sniffy about things like putting babies to sleep on their backs), this didn't inspire me to believe my ill children would be best off with her!

Your dh might be trying to tell you that he needs time away from ds, or even that he needs the alone time with you.

Its worth not dismissing his feelings because you have feelings of your own.

What about ur mil has ds and you guys book into a hotel for a break for you two say half an hour away?

Some posts are a bit melodramatic.
Imo it depends on the child's personality and on how much you trust your mil or your dm. If you don't trust them then don't go ahead.

When i read the title i thought a 2yr old was going to travel alone by train 200 miles !!! (blush)

What about your dm's partner tooTired?

His reaction was way ott, and your dm too.

The question about leaving the child was raised. Your dw said no.

You raised it again (pressing the point and dismissing of her previous response) she said no.

You pushed it again, threw back professional childcare in her face, which in all aspects would be far better than leaving a very young child with an out of date nurse with no respect for the wishes/feelings of parent OR child.

Your mother has no respect for you or your wife. Her grandson is a possession to be 'won', and her partner is her pitbull to growl and snarl on her behalf.

You asked your wife. She said she wasn't comfortable with it.

You should have taken her for her word there and then.

You owe her an apology actually.

I wish we could highlight OP's partner's posts too.

To the OP's partner: YABU. I work and my 2 yr old DS goes to a childminder and to a day nursery. (Where he is looked after by lovely people, not 'fuckwits' BTW. ) But there is no way I could conceive of letting him go away to stay with someone else for a weekend, or even overnight, away from his mum and dad, no matter how close to him that relative or friend might be. It just wouldn't suit my DS and me. He would be unhappy and so would I. Care during the day is very different to care 24/7 and overnight. And 2 is very young still.

Couldn't your mum regularly come down and take your DS for the day (during the week, even) to give you a break? And stay overnight in your house or a B & B if necessary.

And sick children in my experience just want their mum/dad, IN ADDITION TO proper medical care. It's not just about their physical well-being, it's about their psychological well-being too.

What all the posters are telling you is that it is entirely normal for a parent to say that they're not ready for their DC to be away from them overnight at age 2. Or even at an older age for that matter.

Please stop putting pressure on your partner and respect her wishes. Find a way to give yourself a break that doesn't involve separating her overnight from her DS.

YANBU to want a break from full-time stay-at-home parenting, and to consider part-time childcare for your DS. YABVVU to put your DP under pressure to do something that she is uncomfortable with doing.

Too Tired, I answered the original op and said I did not think it was okay for your DS to be driven to a motorway service station, then handed to fairly unfamiliar people who would put him in a strange car, drive him for another 100 miles and keep him in an unfamiliar house.

As you can't explain what is happening to your DS how do you honestly think he would rationalise this? He wouldn't understand that he would ever see you or his mother again, I think that would be devastating for him.

If your DM lived relatively nearby and your DS saw her regularly, often spent a morning or an afternoon with her in her home then it would be a different matter.

Your rude comment about child care workers make me sympathise with your DP. I can see why she might have problems discussing things with you.

Finally, your mother's overbearing attitude is not okay. She is not more important than your DP or DC. It is a mistake for you to accept her attitude and thereby implicitly endorse it.

OP is NBU.

Have we had any clarification as to why the MIL cannot visit and see GC? She sounds pretty controlling to me and I wouldn't want her having unfettered access to my DC.

If OPs husband is so desperate for a break from childcare doesn't he have any friends he can go away for the weekend with?

Alternatively, is there someone closer to home, or even, God Forbid, a Fuckwit Child Care Practioner who could look after the DC in their own home for a weekend so OP and husband can have a romantic weekend?

There is no way I would have let me DC go to spend a weekend with my MIL, who lived around 250 miles away and is also a nurse, at such a young age. It wouldn't have been a break it would have been torture for me.

For the OP's husband -
Just a thought - if I have got this right, and you are a 'stay at home parent' - why is there a restriction on how long you stay at your parents for?
Could you not go for a longer weekend and get some rest while the GPs get to spend time with the GCs?
Or OP - would this be too long for you to be away from your Dc's?
I think it would be too long away for me, but might work for some.

@hamptoncourt
MIL can and does visit (once a month or so) but when that happens my other half feels the need to get the house all spotless and get lots of food in and play at being "Hostess With The Mostest" as she puts it. I don't know why, I've said we shouldn't bother, but can't stop her. Stressful for both of us. She insists on me being active in the proceedings throughout the weekend - me taking a break or nap is not okay.

@Foodylicious
I suggested that quite a while ago. Not okay with wife. She doesn't want kids away from her even if I am with them, she has to be there.