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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

2 year old going to MIL alone for the weekend - 200 miles away

266 replies

TooSweetToBeWholesome · 02/02/2014 23:00

MIL and DH are keen for DS to visit MIL and her partner for entire weekends, without his parents and just on his own. DS is two. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? He cannot talk yet. The plan involves meeting MIL half way up the motorway and handing him over at a service station to MIL for the weekend.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 15/03/2014 17:25

tootired I think you are going to have to accept that your DC are too young for now to be away from their mum for a lengthy period, or at least that is how she feels, and many of us would feel the same.

Would your wife be accepting of you going away for a weekend with friends? Or are there other friends or family you might like to visit for a relaxing break? That might go down better than a lads weekend in Amsterdam if you see what I mean.

That way, you get the break you want, but the DC are home with mum.

Pimpf · 15/03/2014 17:25

Are you able to alternate lie ins at the weekend?

Foodylicious · 15/03/2014 17:28

Fair enough,just a thought.
I do have to ask though - is it ok for your wife to take a break or nap at the weekends too?
I am guessing (maybe wrongly) that she works during the week, you look after the children and home when she is at work and you both look after both during the evenings and weekends?
I get that you might want a break from the monotony, but does she get a break at all?
Maybe a break should be going out and doing something a bit different for either/both of you. Not just time on your own/napping while the other one is looking after the little peeps.

CountessOfRule · 15/03/2014 17:39

She "hosts with the most" for your mother because your mother doesn't like her so she doesn't want to give her any reason to criticise. It's all right for you - you're the son and you aren't the one who would be blamed for an unhoovered rug or whatever.

What does your mother think about the fact that your wife works and you don't? Have there been pointed remarks?

Poppy67 · 15/03/2014 17:39

Your wife cleans the house I guess to prevent snidey remarks from your mother. Yabu, your wife, op, is not. Your child would not benefit, plus you would still have a baby at home.

Littlegreyauditor · 15/03/2014 17:52

She "hosts with the most" for your mother because your mother doesn't like her so she doesn't want to give her any reason to criticise.

This. Very much this, and what's more she knows you won't support her when your mother does criticise.

TwittyMcTwitterson · 15/03/2014 17:58

Idea; why don't you get a hotel close to MILs/DMs? Then you're not in the spare room, you get your break and everyone can cater to DSs needs???

Ps professional Childcare is not a bad thing but you are entitled to your view.

ChasedByBees · 15/03/2014 18:04

I do agree with everyone else - your DC is too young to be left and you shouldn't allow your mother to trample over your wife's feelings. It's hardly going to convince her to let her take your DC for a weekend. Someone who is that determined to get their way may not act in the best interests of the child.

That said, you need a break. Could your DW take an annual leave day to allow you to just zone out and hibernate for a day? She might then need a day similarly at some point later, but it might help in the short term. Otherwise a weekend away with friends, or a weekend in a hotel, by yourself to sleep could be good options.

Oh, and my nursery staff are amazing. Their energy and ability to sing 'row row row your boat' endlessly and are far greater than mine. They have a great deal of emotional intelligence and are able to sooth children well and get DD, the non sleeper here off to sleep no problem

Don't dismiss them so easily.

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2014 18:06

TooTiredToBeSleeping I see my DGC all the time. they live very close by. Their parents would not have wanted me to have them overnight when so young. One of them also didn't speak at 2 and although we managed to communicate pretty well, I didn't understand as much as her parents did.

Although I do remember what it was like to have such young children, (one of whom didn't sleep through the night for years) we, like so many others, managed without any support network at all. Can you not manage to give each other a break at weekends? A lie in one day each? An afternoon sat in front of a film whilst the other plays with the children?

hamptoncourt · 15/03/2014 18:17

The more I think about this the more I think this less about the OPs husband needing a break and more about the MIL needing to get her own way and him being reluctant to upset mummy. Otherwise, alternative ways of him getting a day/weekend off would have been discussed and arranged.

mytimewillcome · 15/03/2014 18:20

TooSweet I get exactly where you are coming from. Don't do it! And for the OPs husband to compare sending your child 200 miles away to daycare is ludicrous! The child comes home every day. I'd want to see my child every night if I had been away from them all day.

imip · 16/03/2014 07:13

I have 4dcs aged 7 to 2, and whilst I need a break, a great big break!, I couldn't do what you have done. Raising kids is hard, it takes a while to adjust to how hard it is. I am a sahm, dh works long hours. I didn't send my children to childcare until they were two. We have built up to two 3 hours sessions per week. That is how it stays til the dcs are 3, then they go five mornings a week. When they are ready, they go 1 or two times 3pm. This form of childcare works super well for us.

At the kids nursery (Montessori nursery, brilliant place; I've been interested in the Montessori method since I was a kid - I was a strange kid), I'd get a all if they suspected my child was poorly. They wouldn't attempt to look after my child sick, as that is my job.

Lots of differences between childcare (built up slow, you choose a warm, nurturing environment). And it may be a great prelude to eventual overnight stays in the future. Fwiw, it would be over five for me, and ideally with a sibling.

Honestly, as others have mentioned, your mum is over bearing. I'd entertain her coming down and staying with/near you and building up a relationship. Babysitting at night etc.

Our parents live on the other side of the world and visit only occasionally. It is hard, hard work. But it is not forever. Already with my oldest bring 7 and 5, I can see life becoming easier. Mil looked after our kids while they were all sleeping and we went out. Otherwise she only took the older two out on day trips, aged 6 and 4 at the time. She looks after my nieces and nephews at home, and she really struggles, usually ends up sitting them in front of the tv the whole time. That's something good childcare provision wouldn't do!

dunsborough · 16/03/2014 08:59

tootired Do you really want your mother to have this much power in your relationship?
You are allowing it and being very discourteous to your wife's feelings. It seems you are saying that because she has said no to your mother, you are sneering at her wanting to send your child to daycare? I hope I'm wrong on that...

FYI my children do spend nights (one - not multiple) with my MIL but only once they were able to speak and express a desire to do so.
They were also old enough to call me if they needed to.

You need to stop allowing your mother to dominate. She should be requesting, not demanding. And not sulking when she doesn't get her way. Cut the strings!

ivanapoo · 16/03/2014 11:18

OP YANBU at all.

Could you take the kids to your parents for a weekend to give your DH the break he needs?

We both work so use childcare a few days a week (long days too) - DS is very happy there and settled in reasonably quickly. But I wouldn't let him stay overnight with anyone. He's ok in the day but freaks out if his evening routine doesn't involve mummy or daddy.

Hissy · 16/03/2014 13:02

Yeah but dunsborough the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree here has it?

His dm is dismissive of the feelings of others, contemptuous of their position and qualities, with his 'fuckwit' comment he's no better.

I hope the op sees these people for what they are and disengages completely from their power trips over her and the ds.

I have no respect for those who bully mothers into obeying the self appointed matriarch or her winged monkey.

I hope that the husband here, rather than snooping around behind his wife's back, trying ti garner further support against her, realises what an absolute arse he's being to his wife and child and comes to his senses before she ends up losing all respect for him and makes him an EOW dad.

dunsborough · 16/03/2014 13:25

Completely agree Hissy

OP I hope you are ok. Do come back to Mumsnet whenever you need support. You can name change and use in-private browsing if necessary.
Don't let the bastards get you down.

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