2 year old going to MIL alone for the weekend - 200 miles away

[TooSweetToBeWholesome]

MIL and DH are keen for DS to visit MIL and her partner for entire weekends, without his parents and just on his own. DS is two. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? He cannot talk yet. The plan involves meeting MIL half way up the motorway and handing him over at a service station to MIL for the weekend.

I don't see the problem. Have done it, would do it again. Daughter was 2.3 and saw it as a huge fun adventure.

'Having a go at' someone is by it's very definition aggressive.

notso you cite your teenage dd as an example.

Your very point illustrates mine.

The op is not a teenager, the DP-in-law is NOT in a parent/child role with her as she is a fully paid up member of the adult population and as such doesn't need anyone 'having a go at her' about anything.

The only acceptable answer when the answer 'no, that's not what i'd like to happen' when spoken by an adult is 'ok then, let us know when/if you change your mind, the offer's always there'.

It appears that the only persons being considered here by the GP/DP are themselves.

That is the sinister bit. Nothing else.

That's great for your daughter widow. This thread is specifically about the op's child and family.

I work so time with my kids at a weekend is precious to me. I had to share them at weekends when I got divorced but wouldn't have chosen to before then. When we were young if we visited relatives we visited as a family.
I think it's nice of them to offer but they shouldn't keep pushing it. 200 miles is a long way for a wee boy for just a weekend. It doesn't sound much fun for him.

Hissy I can imagine many situations in my marriage where one of us has said "no, that is not what I would like to happen"
and the other one has argued their case.
I don't see anything wrong with that, even if it was something I didn't want to do.
I fact DH and I are having a seemingly endless debate about whether our DD should be allowed a house key, I say she should, DH says no way. Both of us think our way is best for DD.
Should I just say "oh ok then let me know when you have changed your mind"
What makes his feelings more important?

Obviously we don't know the OP's DH's side to this, but I think it is unfair to assume he isn't acting in what he believes are the interests of his family.

My example with my DD was that IME anyway "having a go" is sometimes used as a turn of phrase when someone doesn't like what someone's says to them. My in laws say it all the time for reasonably minor things maybe it is just where I live though.

Not that I would expect it to change your mind, but have you asked DH why he's so keen on doing this? If it's already somewhere in the thread, sorry! As someone mentioned, does he feel HE needs a break? Is he under MiL's thumb or just trying to be a 'peacekeeper'? Is he just flexing his parental muscle in wanting to be an equal partner in making decisions? I do think there needs to be dialogue between the two of you, rather than just "I'm the mother and I say NO".

I do think it's a very hard situation as each parent supposedly has an equal say in child-rearing these days. DH probably feels that he has just much right to decide if DS goes to his mother's as you have to decide he shouldn't. I was lucky in that DH deferred to me when our sons were young. As they got older (I'd say around 7) I tended to defer to him as I was WAY too overprotective and would have wrapped them in cotton wool. We never planned it that way, it just was the way it worked out for us.

I do agree with you, as I said in a previous post. I just think you and DH should be able to come to an understanding as to WHY it's not a good idea rather than just saying NO without discussion.

Op's mother's boyfriend/partner was the one who 'had a go' not her own dh.

Her h has a right to question, or at least discuss, but as other have said, if one of the parent's isn't content to leave their child with whoever, for whatever reason, then it's not going to be a break for either of them.

OP here has a right to be heard, listened to and respected.

The mil hasn't done this, her boyf has waded in, and the H isn't exactly dealing with this.

It's a case of a 2yo that the mother doesn't feel is ready. That's about as cut and dried as it can be.

The fact that she's been placed under some considerable pressure to do something she's genuinely uncomfortable about doing is the issue here.

Day in, day out we tell each other here to listen to our gut, pay attention to our instincts and do what feels right.

Someone has to make a decision, and the mother gets the final word here. It actually doesn't matter if she is being silly/unreasonable or whatever, it's what she feels comfortable with, knowing the child she's raised.

If the IL make this an issue it will have consequences. They'd be best off trusting her judgement and backing off. It'd be the far quicker way for them to get what they want than forcing/haranging or pressuring her.

This situation seems all about them though and not at all about the child.

No. The distance/knowing them well thing. Just no. Made me cringe just thinking about handing one of my children over on a motorway. If you need an emergency operation, then ok. Otherwise - why?

omg what on earth is wrong with meeting gps half way?

I'm not saying OP should ignore her feelings or change her mind. Just that her DH's feelings are also valid, and it is possible for two parents to have conflicting views but both feel their way is best for the child.

I agree putting pressure on OP won't help and the Mil should respect her choice. However I don't think it is unreasonable for OP and the DH to come to a compromise, maybe MIL comes to stay and babysits for a couple of hours, if it is the case the DH wants some time alone with his wife.

I find it interesting that even the OP's own Mum also feels she should let him go too.

"omg what on earth is wrong with meeting gps half way?"

1. You don't have a chance to gradually settle the child in.
2. non-verbal child has no idea where they are going to be taken.
3. non-verbal child has no idea when they will see parents again.
4. non-verbal child has no idea why they are being taken.

I wouldn't like it to be whisked off to a strange place by some people I didn't know very well - why should a child?

It would be different if this were part of a normal routine that had been built up gradually, e.g. the child often stayed with grandparents and often travelled in their car and was confident that they knew the routine.

Non verbal does not equal doesn't care.

If your not OK with it then don't torture yourself just say no.

hissy

Day in, day out we tell each other here to listen to our gut, pay attention to our instincts and do what feels right.

Someone has to make a decision, and the mother gets the final word here. It actually doesn't matter if she is being silly/unreasonable or whatever, it's what she feels comfortable with, knowing the child she's raised.

Totally agree with you.

notso I think your confusing her DH ideas on the visit and the mothers instincts, about it.

The insistence of the child being there WITHOUT THE PARENTS is odd. Normal people would ask and take the response from the mother as an answer. OP here is being dismissed and they are trying to intimidate her into compliance

sorry to quote you again hissy, you put everything so beautifully!

I too do not get this need to have the child alone.

Dont do it it, its ridiculous, many of us love our GP but still managed to without sleep overs and weeks spent away alone with them!

They have handled their response wrong the partner of the mother in law sounds horrid and not someone I would my DC round anyway...

My 2 yo went away with my ILs in the summer. 2 hours drive, we dropped him off, they went away to the seaside for a few days then brought him home. He was away 5 nights and was happy as a sand boy. He did have his 4 yo brother with him though. I think it depends on the child and how much you trust your ILs.

He is too young. Fine once a child can vocalise it though...

My DD sees my DM practically every day on Skype and in person once every 6 to 8 weeks and I wouldn't agree to this. The occasional overnight in our house is fine, it's still DD's environment. No way would I send her away yet, and I trust my DM implicitly. She's a fab Grandma.

Stick to your guns OP.

YANBU! They are.

Don't give in.

Seems like another example of overbearing MIL and her too eager to please DS! Poor you.

Follow your instincts. If you feel panicky, don't do it! Like an earlier poster said, she's had her turn at raising kids! There will be plenty of time for sleepovers when he is older. Much older.

YANBU.

If you ask them to,it's different.
If its an emergency it's different
If your happy with it it's different.

Surely an ideal compromise is that you all go and stay for a few days,why on earth does it have to be without you?

Non-verbal does not equal doesn't care. This is true, but nor does non-verbal equal "doesn't understand." I worked with toddlers/young preschoolers for years and many of them understood a lot but could not articulate it.

There is nothing sinister about the GPs wanting their GC "all to themselves", nor is there anything wrong with handing the child off at the service station. We have done this with my DS (now 6) since he was 2.

BUT the OP is uncomfortable with it and knows her DS best. If she says he's too young, he's too young.

A 2 year old cannot understand "we will be back in a couple of days" if they have no experience of being left anywhere for a couple of days.

If on the other hand grandma regularly looks after them and has babysat several times, they are likely to have the expectation that grandma knows what she is doing and their parents will return. This does not yet seem to be the case here.

Equally, it doesn't appear that the gm has had much experience of solo childcare and a non-verbal child can't explain when things are a bit odd and is still at an age where child proofing a house is very much an issue.

When you drop a child at a house you can check through where they will sleep, settle the child in, and explain the routine while demonstrating to the child what will happen.

None of this is to say that a child will suffer lasting damage if handed over at a service station because in the circumstances there is no better alternative. There is a better alternative here.

It depends on the child and its relationship with the GPs. My friend's 2yo is looked after by her GPs every weekday while the parents work and had no problem staying with them for 22 days while the parents went on holiday. My 2yo sees her GM twice a year and can just about manage two hours with her before she asks for me/DP.

No no no he is still far too young. When he is a few years older, fine for the odd weekend, but not every flipping weekend, Noway!

I agree it's not sinister at all, I used to go to granny's as a kid for te odd weekend, but I was older