Page 8 | 2 year old going to MIL alone for the weekend - 200 miles away

TooSweetToBeWholesome · 2014-02-02T23:00:02+00:00

MIL and DH are keen for DS to visit MIL and her partner for entire weekends, without his parents and just on his own. DS is two. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? He cannot talk yet. The plan involves meeting MIL half way up the motorway and handing him over at a service station to MIL for the weekend.

pigletmania · 04/02/2014 07:44

The partner sounds awful having a go at you, it's not his business! He is a baby still, 200 miles away with people he hardly knows. It will be scarey for him mum and dad suddenly disappear and he's with people he doesent know!

Grennie · 04/02/2014 07:53

Of course you don't have to let him go. Of course it is understandable that grans want to have time alone with their grandchildren.

Playing with children and being silly, is totally different when a watching parent is there. I do not play with children in the same silly way when being watched.

Bumpsadaisie · 04/02/2014 07:54

No. I've just left my two year old for a weekend with my parents. But (1) he is with them 2 days a week anyway and he had his elder sister with him too.

No way would I hand him over at a service station to my MIL who for all that she is lovely only sees him 3 or 4 times a year. If I was going to do it I would go and stay with MIL for a few days before and then perhaps leave the kids for a night in that context.

merrymouse · 04/02/2014 08:03

Another issue is that children change so much at this age - particularly their ability to climb/run/escape/reach. What might have seemed OK 2 months ago may not be safe now, and until you are in a situation it is difficult to identify possible risks.

rumbleinthrjungle · 04/02/2014 14:41

I don't think anyone feels it's 'sinister' that GPs want a relationship with their GC, or wants to spend time with them.

What definitely makes me uncomfortable is that this kind of request/demand seems less about care for developing a good relationship with a toddler than acting as if he's a family owned time-share and they're entitled to their turn. When someone starts demanding that a very young child they do not know well be handed over to them overnight or for a weekend and specifies that the parents may not be present (including their own child) and continues to insist they get their way and pout when the parents are unhappy about it, I do find that strange and uncomfortable.

pigletmania · 04/02/2014 18:06

I agree rumble, no consideration for the child or the mother, it's all about them and what they want, stamping their feet when they don't get it. The toddlers is only 2 and will be 200 miles away from his parents, so that alone is very unreasonable, add to the fact they expect this to be a regular arrangement and they are like strangers to the child.

perfectstorm · 04/02/2014 19:43

What definitely makes me uncomfortable is that this kind of request/demand seems less about care for developing a good relationship with a toddler than acting as if he's a family owned time-share and they're entitled to their turn.

Really well put. It's the lack of any notion that this little boy is a person with his own emotions and needs that unsettles most, I agree.

GatoradeMeBitch · 04/02/2014 20:14

Stick to your guns OP, it's the right decision. You can't expose your non-verbal 2 year old to all that stress and anxiety just so your MIL can have him to herself for a while, that's incredibly selfish.

Original poster

TooSweetToBeWholesome · 25/02/2014 07:00

Well I have made my point and apparently I am "not letting her see her grandchild" now by saying no to solo weekend visits. DP is furious.MIL is asking what I think will happen if DS visits alone. I don't want to have to explain myself as I feel like every reason will be torn apart. I think mumsnetters are right in saying this is about MIL and partner playing mummy and daddy

OP posts:

TamerB · 25/02/2014 07:10

Don't even try to explain. Just ride it out with the 'broken record' approach- 'I am not saying no for ever, something to do when he is older'- say it very mildly, in a bored way as if you can't understand what all the fuss is about. Don't get drawn into arguments or discussions.

petalsandstars · 25/02/2014 07:18

Stick to your guns, I would not be happy with my 2yo spending the weekend away from me in this circumstance.

Hissy · 25/02/2014 07:23

Agree with Tamer broken record approach every time.

He's not ready

And

We've made our decision.

Then refuse to discuss it again, until you feel like it.

Well done for standing firm!

myroomisatip · 25/02/2014 07:32

When I had my 2nd DC my first was just over 2.

I was admitted to hospital for a CS and was there for a week. Up until that point I had been the primary carer for our eldest.

While I was in hospital he got a very nasty cold and despite the fact that my MIL and DH were caring for him at home, the whole experience was dreadfully traumatic for him. He would have nothing to do with me for over a month when I came out of hospital.

Please be strong over this. It is possible that it may be okay for your son but it really is not worth the risk. He only has you, it seems, that has his best interests at heart.

So sorry you are going through this, I have a sense of how hard it is.

selsigfach · 25/02/2014 07:40

Good for you! I'm concerned that your husband is furious though. If you, your husband and your son are happy for your son to stay with family, great, if not, then whoever is unhappy must be listened to.

ChunkyPickle · 25/02/2014 08:01

DS started staying overnight occasionally with his grandparents when he was 3 - but we'd lived with them for a year and often visited so he knew them very well, and they knew him very well (what he liked to eat, his habits etc). and of course he could speak pretty well and explain things so I knew it was perfectly fine.

That just isn't the case for you - I think it needs to be built up to over time, and they need to be able to communicate at least!

Bluestocking · 25/02/2014 08:07

Good for you. Your little son is not "a family-owned timeshare" - which is a great phrase and really sums up so much of what is wrong with your MIL's attitude.
As to preventing her from seeing her grandson (how ridiculous) is there any reason she can't spend time nearer to you, either staying with you or nearby if that's not an option, so she can get to know your DS better in his own environment, and start to build a relationship with him? If she won't do that, then she's preventing herself from seeing him.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2014 08:10

Yanbu at all. I am concerned about your dh reaction though, he is furious, with you or mil. If it's the former, he should be supporting his wife and not his mother. MIL should realise how unrealistic she is being, he is 2 a baby who hardly knows them, being sent 200 mikes away on a regular basis away from his main caregivers is unacceptable! He is a baby not a piece of luggage to be passed over at a motorway. You are not preventing them from seeing their grandchild, just this unacceptable arrangement!

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 25/02/2014 09:22

Really glad you are sticking to your guns, OP. Just imagining your son's distress at being handed over at the services is making me wince.

If they will tear apart all your reasons, they are clearly not interested in what is best for your son, only themselves. You aren't stopping her from seeing her grandson - why doesn't she want you to go too?

I feel worried about your husband's reaction, why is he furious?

Please don't get pressured into this, it's a selfish and unreasonable request that would upset you and your son.

My GPs lived 200 miles away, I loved staying there - with my siblings, when I was older and after dozens of visits there with my parents. That's the difference between a valuable and enjoyable experience when the child feels secure and comfortable and a miserable andfrightening experience for a bewildered toddler. Your MIL is pushing for too much, too soon with no thought as to how to make it manageable for your little boy.

DougalTheCheshireCat · 25/02/2014 09:50

I know how you feel OP. My PiL are French where this is very much the done thing. They suggested we should leave DC with them overnight under when three months. Obviously I politely declined.

DC is still under one, but DH has floated several times that they would 'love' for DC to go to PiL's (in France) to stay for the weekend 'as soon as DC is old enough'. Think their opinion and my on what is old enough may be very different.

For me, it is tricky as a big part of this is cultural. As I understand it, many French parents leave their young children and babies with their parents / PiL for up to a week. I know of two examples of DH's friends leaving their babies with Gps for up to week at under 9 months.

I would not dream of this. I can imagine we will get to it one day, but that day, for me, is when DC can understand and be enthusiastic about such a plan, which could well be a good few years off.

It has also been pitched to me as giving me a 'break'.

Can you discuss direct with your MiL/ PiL? I suggest first off you see if you can get her to articulate why this is so important to her. Take that away, and see if you can understand where she is coming from (which is not the same as agreeing with her / agreeing to do it).

Then maybe see if you can offer something less / else which helps give her some of what she wants, stepping up to longer stays as your DS grows up? Dangle in front of her that she needs to build your confidence, incentivising her to work with what you are offering in order to get more alone time with DS.

The concern for both of us, probably, is that by saing no it becomes a 'thing'. Can you articulate to her that 'no' now doesn't mean 'no' forever, but 'not yet'?

LydiaLunches · 25/02/2014 10:17

DD1 went to stay on her own with granddad (who lives a 5 hour drive away) for the first time at just turned 4, it worked really well and was a wonderful experience for all, I don't think it would have been before! DD2 would have been 3 her first time, and DD3 maybe only nearly 3 but had the security of her big sister/s. He has always visited every couple of months and was frequently in sole charge, really made an effort to achieve a relationship conducive to having them to stay. I would try and arrange some trial run days out over this year, with the reasonably firm expectation that overnights next year will be possible.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 25/02/2014 10:34

this is the hard part op, one didnt expect her to be happy with your decision, once you ride through this the balance of power will change slowly and in a few years you wont have to face this!

Never complain never explain.

I am sorry you feel like that. but the answer is no,

ahlahktuhflomp · 25/02/2014 10:40

Hell would freeze over. Make it a no that stays no, and let them suggest something you feel comfortable with.

Original poster

TooSweetToBeWholesome · 25/02/2014 11:34

I imagine she is convinced he would love it. She is a person who never doubts her own convictions. I imagine though he will be wondering where his parents are, why he is in a strange house away from his family and when if ever he will be coming back.

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 25/02/2014 12:02

Of course he will OP. Dont be brow beaten into this.

I find it very sad that your DH is 'furious' with you. What exactly are his arguments against the obvious logic that this little boy is too young to get packed off a long distance away to people he doesnt know very well?! I'd love to know.

imip · 25/02/2014 12:15

Absolutely no fucking way! Too far, too young.... All the reasons others have outlined.

I can see if GPS live close and play a big role in the dcs lives, then that may work for some people.

I remember my younger brother crying a lot at night time when we stayed at our gps (our GPS were lovely and really loved is), but he just wanted mum. I'm guessing he was 2 or 3 and our gps played a big role in our lives. I felt such anxiety seeing my brother that way. I can so vividly remember it. And I loved my gps very very much...