2 year old going to MIL alone for the weekend - 200 miles away

[TooSweetToBeWholesome]

MIL and DH are keen for DS to visit MIL and her partner for entire weekends, without his parents and just on his own. DS is two. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? He cannot talk yet. The plan involves meeting MIL half way up the motorway and handing him over at a service station to MIL for the weekend.

My friend went on a "Holiday of a lifetime," all expenses paid trip to Australia for two weeks leaving her 13 month old with her parents. Her parents lived close by, saw her DS every day and looked after him while she worked. Her DS is 19 now and my friend still regrets it. He wouldn't even look at her and kept holding out his arms to his Granny, took ages to settle back into his routine and was never again the same sunny natured baby she had left.

Obviously two weeks is a lot longer than two nights but does a baby/toddler know this or is the feeling of abandonment the same.

Ds1 stayed with his Granny for two nights when he was 9. Ds2 has stayed at friends houses three times and ds3 (7) has not yet been away overnight and I would only consider it if he wanted it himself.

never again the same sunny natured baby she had left after day stays or over night stays at GP our bubbly DD would come back quiet, withdrawn and would take days sometimes weeks to get back to normal ( as a toddler), we don't do it anymore. her personality changes too much and she cant have been happy there. .

OP I do not think you are bing un reasonable at all, he is very young and you dont feel its right yet.

however after some one had a go at you last time for not letting him go on holiday,...rings alarm bells for me, they dont care for your opinion they are treating him like a parcel....they are bullies...so no def don't let him go.

you do not have to explain or give any other reason at all, and if you feel compelled to say something, I as his mother feel he is too young so no.

YANBU

I've similar with my PILs who live a 3 hour drive away. When I was pregnant they went out and bought a fold out bed for when my child would come and stay. It didn't matter how many times I said I didn't think this would happen till he was much older they did it anyway. The problem here was that my SIL had been quite happy to leave her eldest with in in-laws for up to 2 weeks from when she was 2 so MIL just assumed it would be the same forgetting all children are different and that she is also 20 years older now!

My son is 4 now and while PIL have come and looked after him overnight in our house 4 times he has not stayed on his own at their house and won't until he asks too.

I def would not be handing my non verbal 2 yr old over at a service station to family who he doesn't know very well.

My parents live hundreds of miles away, and both our DCs have stayed with them on their own since very small. We found the best way was for all of us to spend a few days at my DPs then we'd leave the children there. But I completely trust them and they're always very hands on grandparents whenever we're with them. I think a good relationship with grandparents is very important and whilst I can understand you don't want to hand over you 2 yr old in a car park, perhaps you could find another way to do it. Could you all go for the weekend then leave him for a night or two?

I think if you told any child (or adult) that they had to stay with a relative they didn't know very well in a house they didn't know very well for an indeterminate period of time (you can't communicate time to a 2 year old) and you were going to hand them over at motorway services they would be quite upset.

The key is to build up the relationship in the presence of familiar, trusted people. It's fair for your DH and IL's to expect you to help to achieve this, but it has to be done gradually - you can't instantly create if from nothing. I think the point where it would be OK to start overnight stays would be when your 2 year old trusts your MIL to know the routine because she has babysat several times and taken him out on a few day trips in familiar territory - It might take a while to achieve this.

We have all stayed at their house before and they have stayed at ours. I'm committed to making sure that dc develops relationships with the extended family. I'm not sure if a two year old can really remember staying at someone's house previously, if it was 2 months ago. And just don't feel happy that sending him off is right. I'd feel happier if he was older and could tell me what he wanted and talk to me about it afterwards

It's not as though I don't trust them either. GP of course loves DC and will be looking after him well but as other posters have said, a toddler probably panics.

I'd say the first step would be to go with him first, for a few nights to get him used to the house/routine. Then once settled, start by popping out for an hour, then increase to an overnight whilst you are at a hotel nearby etc.

Once he knows them, the house etc it might be a goer.

Two frames of reference - I have my nieces stay with me on their own, but they have been coming with parents/grandparents since they were little to get used to our house and only once they reach 6 are they allowed to come on their own for overnights. We do live about the same distance as your PILs.

Secondly, when we were little, me and my brother were sent to stay with our estranged father for a weekend - I was 9 and he was 5. He cried, and cried, and cried. My mum had to drive over early the next morning and they met halfway to hand him back. Far too young to spend overnights with strangers. Do you trust her enough to drive back and hand him back to you if he was crying his eyes out? Is he generally non-clingy and adventurous?

It is worrying how many people seem to think that GPs wanting to spend time with or offer to look after their GC is 'sinister'

However, OP YANBU if you don't feel comfortable with this.

My 2yo regularly spends weekends with my parents - but she sees them very regularly and has been doing this since she was little so it is all perfectly normal to, and we are all very comfortable with the situation.

She has never spent time alone with MIL, who is less physically and mentally able to cope, and I am not comfortable with her doing this until she is much older - like you say, old enough to a) understand when the idea of a trip overnight is explained to her and b) verbalise properly what she wants when she is there.

thurlow, I think you're deliberately missing the point.

No-one is saying that GPs who want to spend time with grandchildren or who are offering to look after them have sinister motives.

It's the fact they want to jump straight into a weekend alone with the OPs DS, with no build up and with a handover that would make a grown child, never mind a 2-year-old, feel uneasy.

And the fact that the GM's partner had a go at the OP for not allowing them to take her then one-year-old on holiday with them, again without his parents.

To the poster who said that they find the comments about GPs wanting their DGC to stay weird or dodgy or sinister: I don't find it any of those things. I want DD to have a great relationship with her GPs and in time, she'll go to stay with them for longer and longer periods. But that time isn't now at 23 months. I don't know when it will be - and it may look unfair, but she'll stay with my mum, who lives 2.5 hrs away, and my dad who lives 3 hrs away, before she stays with PIL who live a good 9 hr drive away. I don't think DH would disagree with that at all.

I stayed with one set of grandparents from perhaps 6 for a week at a time, but we lived 25 mins drive away and we had previously lived with them for 2 years. And I'm a twin, so there were always 2 of us together, never one alone. The next year we went to stay with the other set in Orkney - 4 hr drive + 2 hr ferry - while DP went to Majorca on their first ever foreign holiday. We were 7, there were two of us and it still felt strange. And GP came to fetch us themselves.

Have they every been in sole charge of your DS - that would be the next step?

I can't believe all the people thinking it is weird, sinister or dodgy for the MIL to want to do this. I find those comments quite sad.

It's not the idea of the visit, it's the enforced nature of it, the aggression the OP has received at the initial refusal and the subsequent bamboozling that is going on. THAT'S sinister.

The insistence of the child being there WITHOUT THE PARENTS is odd. Normal people would ask and take the response from the mother as an answer. OP here is being dismissed and they are trying to intimidate her into compliance. No IS a complete sentence. a 'No' from the parent of the child, especially when that child is not yet verbal, is sacrosanct.

YANBU. Any visit has to be entirely on your terms. After all its not like you're asking them a favour/free childcare.

DS (16mo) has just had his first overnighter with MIL who lives 2hrs away. She has been dropping hints and pestering us since he was born. DP and I booked a hotel half an hr away, stayed at MILs the night before with DS, explained routine etc...left him after lunch on Saturday and were back for him before lunch on Sunday. These were the terms and no way would he have been handed over half way down a motorway!!!

As it happens, MIL and SFIL were wrecks when we got back. DS had them up at 2am and 6am. I think it might be a while before MIL asks for him again...

The upshot is DP and I had a great nights sleep and DS was happy as larry. But it was all on our terms...

hissy put it well.

I do not worry about a gran wanting to spend time with a grandchild.

I worry about an adult ot respecting another adult's boundaries.

If the weekend would stress the parent rather than give them a break, then it is a bad idea. Insisting and putting pressure is not on.

If you don't feel comfortable then you shouldn't do it and your MIL should require no more information than that.

I find it sad that GPs push parents to do things that they don't want to all because it suits them. GPs should offer support, not stress.

I love my parents to bits, they look after my kids when I am at work, my kids adore them, but still I would not be happy with this suggestion. When the children are older and able to communicate effectively, as well as able to feel secure in new environments, then this plan may work, not with little ones.

I hope that your DH understands, eventually.

I'm not deliberately missing the point. I fully agree with the OP that it's not a good idea and I wouldn't feel comfortable with it at all. I also agree that her DH should be supporting her rather than his parents. Visits like this should be something everyone is comfortable with.

However I stand by the fact that I think it is sad that people see so many negatives behind GP wanting to spend time with her DC. I'm sure most GP who offer this are thinking as well of offering the parents a break and some time off. This break or time off may not be wanted at all, and doesn't need to be taken, but that doesn't make the initial offer not well meaning.

If the adult won't respect the other adult's boundaries, what chance does a non-verbal toddler have?

Not everyone has a decent set of parents/IL, not always is the GP home a good place to leave a child.

The low-level mind games and manipulation that my own DM has pulled on my DS were baffling and deeply upsetting to me. This when DS IS able to communicate his wishes, they were ridden roughshod over.

If the flaming DP of the GP is already ganging up on his supposed DIL, and there isn't seemingly a sane voice in the OP's corner, too right it's sinister.

No means no.

thurlow most GP perhaps, but in this case its nothing to do with the parents wishes or indeed the small child and everything to do with what grandma wants.

We had this, pils wouldn't let anyone they didnt know in their house, it was so precious to them and they went mad at DH once for bringing back a friend un expectedly for a cup of tea, as they didnt want strangers in their house.

Then after dd was born, they suggested once , why don't I had her over at two, to people I had never met, let them drive her to airport, go on plane with her....and take her to Them whilst abroad.

All about them wanting the pleasure of her, no thought to her herself, travelling - literally alone with strangers! And people who were total strangers to me!!!! Mind boggling. Yet they wouldn't have the same applied to their precious house, as they would to their not so precious GC.

Sinister. Yes.

hissy

If the adult won't respect the other adult's boundaries, what chance does a non-verbal toddler have?

Spot On. This is the worry.

Whilst it is understandable that grandparents want to build relationships with their grandchildren and may feel like it's easier to do that alone, everything depends on the parents' feelings.

My husband and I have several weekends and trips away planned for this summer (baby will be about 4-5 months old) and my MIL is really keen for us to leave the baby with them. She has set up a cot and has bought clothes and sleeping bags for the baby at her house. My husband thinks it's a great idea as we will be able to get time on our own but I'm uncomfortable about it. I am quite sure that it would ruin my weekend to go away without the baby and therefore am determined (unless I feel differently!) that it won't happen.

The grandmother is not being unreasonable to want to spend time with her grandchild but OP is definitely not being unreasonable to stand by her own terms on how and when this should happen. I also think that 2 is a funny age, if he can't communicate properly but obviously has more of an idea of what's going on than a small baby then it'll probably be a distressing situation for all.

Good luck OP and stand your ground.

However I stand by the fact that I think it is sad that people see so many negatives behind GP wanting to spend time with her DC. I'm sure most GP who offer this are thinking as well of offering the parents a break and some time off. This break or time off may not be wanted at all, and doesn't need to be taken, but that doesn't make the initial offer not well meaning.

I'm certain many GP do - my mother does, definitely. My MIL has never had the least interest in DS visiting, she's not even that enthused about DS going up with DH because really she'd rather have her son to herself - it makes me sad. I was really chuffed that she started showing more of an interest in him this year, now he's less of a baby and more of a strong individual in her eyes. So I accept your point. GP are really important, and though my MIL drives me crazy and she's not actually hugely interested I foster the relationship DS has with her and with my MIL in his own mind, so he's interested in them and always delighted to see them, which now pays dividends in them finding it flattering and making more of an effort. It's important for children to feel part of a wider family, IMO, and DH being an only child, his father being the same, and his mother barely on speaking terms with her siblings makes his GP all the more essential to that sense of family roots. No argument here.

The problem is, the point that lots of GP want to offer the parents a break just doesn't apply to this situation - the OP has been enormously pressured and even harangued for not agreeing to a large chunk of time being spent with GP her son really doesn't know that well at all, when he's barely more than a baby (and at 18 months, was pretty much still a baby, when an overseas holiday alone was demanded of her). That is not in any way, shape or form about offering her a break - it's about wanting to be in sole charge of a small child. She's offered visits at either address with her there too, and that isn't good enough. It isn't about her, or the child. If it were, the visits could begin when the little boy is ready to make them, and not when the adults feel they would get something from it.

*DS has with her and with my FIL in his own mind

I don't think it is necessarily think it is sinister though Hissy, you mentioned aggression, OP said the partner 'had a go at me' this may or may not be aggressive. My teenage DD is always accusing me of having a go at her when I ask her to tidy her room.

The child's Dad wants him to go and obviously feels he would be happy and well cared for, why would he get it so wrong? Maybe he feels OP would benefit from a break, maybe HE needs one too.

I can understand both points of view. I know if I wanted my DC to stay with my parents because I needed time off, I would feel a bit pissed off if DH said no way.
Equally, I wouldn't like to be pestered if I really felt my child wasn't able to cope with it.

He's too young, its too long a period away from his parents, they live too far away. However my DM tended to want this when my DDs were younger as she wanted to be very involved, doing things 'her way''; she can be very competitive like this its an 'I know best' attitude. It was very wearing. As much as I love my DM I know she has these tendencies so I didnt allow any extended visits. Perhaps the grandparents are like this? But either way YANBU, if a parent feels uncomfortable with a situation regarding their child I dont feel its anyone's remit to argue or convince them differently.