2 year old going to MIL alone for the weekend - 200 miles away

[TooSweetToBeWholesome]

MIL and DH are keen for DS to visit MIL and her partner for entire weekends, without his parents and just on his own. DS is two. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? He cannot talk yet. The plan involves meeting MIL half way up the motorway and handing him over at a service station to MIL for the weekend.

Op YANBU. My DS stayed with my mother when he was almost 4 and he had spent 1 day a week with her since he was 7 months old. Although he coped he did not enjoy it that much and even now at 7 he won't sleep over without us. He loves a day out with GPs but he always wants to come home at night.

If you don't think he's ready then put your foot down.

I would (and do) let my parents and PIL take mine (aged 3 and 2) for the weekend. However they are very involved on a regular basis, and the kids see them once a week minimum and skype everyday.

I wouldn't send them to someone who they saw every couple of months. For a few hours maybe, but not a full weekend

My older two were 5 and 4 and following year the 3 year old then verbal and dry at night went with them. However we did a few trips were we stopped with them and they saw GP fairly regularly though due to distance it was a few months before and we stopped first night we handed them over.

I did come under huge pressure preceding years to let them stop with out us - but they weren't ready and I don't think IL would have been prepared for amount of work.

so YABNU - might help to plan visits to get used to it for everyone and talk up idea of waiting till dry at night.

Yanbu. Both sets of grandparents live about 200 miles from us and even though they are all lovely I would not have felt happy for ds aged 2 to spend the night with them. I don't think he will be ready until he is a fair bit older actually

No way! Your poor DC does not know his GP's well enough to spend a whole weekend with them. Don't you think he will be upset that you are not there?

sinister?!? really it's sinister that a grand parent is loving and interested in her grandchild?? and if course her partner is a raving paedophile!! fucks sake some here are away with the fairies or ought to be!

however if you don't want to do it op then don't. I definatly wouldn't be happy doing this at 2.. whatever the distance. mine never stayed overnight anywhere until they were 10.

visit her with your dc. let her stay with you. your dh if course sees it differently as she's his mum so be tactful and just say you will be miserable and anxious without him so it's a no. your dh should be supporting you anyway.

I also think that it's a thing some families do & some don't.

I'd be telling MIL that I didn't want a break.

If she says that your husband does, tell her then he can go stay!

I don't really get why GPs want GC alone.

Perhaps I will if I'm ever a GM.

We always lived away, so parents wanted to see us as well.

I remember visiting ILs & MIL suggested that we go see a particular friend.

So we did, taking our toddler with us.

She was as she thought they would be left with her.

We were that it hadn't occurred to her that our friend would like to see us & our child!

My dgs are 7 and 4.11. They have had one two night stay with us and two one nighters. I see them at least twice a week. I would never ask to have them but always agree if asked. We have all been on holiday as a family but I don't want the responsibility of taking them away without a parent. I always said no overnights until they could tell me what they wanted. YANBU

In terms of stopping over at someone else's house I'd have no issue with this personally - Ds has stopped many times with my family (ddad and dsis) and a couple of times with MIL since he was little (at least twice when he was under a year old) Generally one night only though and on occasion 2 .

However my SIS and dad live in the same village as us, so no more than about a quarter of a mile away and MIL about 6 miles away. Ds treats my dads house as his second home and spends 2 afternoons a week there anyway while I work so its someone and somewhere he knows really well. We see a lot of my sis and MIL too.

The distance would bother me - 200 miles is different to being round the corner (one occasion we did have a semi emergency when ds threw up overnight!) and the relationship they do or don't have.

I've just asked ds (4) if he likes stopping at grandads house sometimes and he said with a big grin "oh yeah! He gives me yummy icecream!"

I think grandad compensates as my mum died before ds was born so he feels the need to be both grandma and grandad in one

We have just left our son with his grandparents for 2 nights. He's 21 months and he knows them well; sees them at least once a week. We left him with them for one night when he was 11 months. We've also left him with my parents (who live 400 miles away) for one night when he was 15 months, but that was after we'd all spent a week with them and he was used to being with them. So far these all seem to have worked fine, but not all children are the same and they all have different relationships with their GPs. OP, if you are concerned about how your son will react YANBU to say no.

No, they can come and look after him with you, then extend this to going out for the day etc. Too much too soon.

I can't believe all the people thinking it is weird, sinister or dodgy for the MIL to want to do this. I find those comments quite sad.

I assume it all depends on the relationship you had with your grandparents. I have lovely fond, happy memories of staying with my GP's from a very young age. My children have great relationships with my parents and in laws.

It isn't fair for you to be pressured into agreeing to it if you are not happy to, and I don't think the half way handover is the best way to go about it.
I don't see why you can't come to a compromise and try to build up a relationship between them.

In general I think it is good for children to have a relationship with their grandparents that doesn't rely on their parents being there. And, I love that my ILs have a brilliant relationship with my DCs. However, I wouldn't have sent them off for regular weekends at the GPs at such a young age, and distance. And, my ILs wouldn't have asked for that. They did have DC1 without us twice when we had weddings to go to, but to be honest I know DC1 found that hard so we stopped.

All I can say in your MILs defence is that she may not be thinking properly. My MIL tells me that grandchildren are like a drug for grandparents, and they just cant get enough of them. So, maybe your MIL is so desperate to see her grandchild that she's assuming he will be equally happy.

I would just say that it isn't something you are happy with until your DS is older. Your DP needs to accept that, and support you.

I'm amazed at all of the YANBU on here. My parents live 5 hrs away so DD sees them no more than every 8 weeks and yet we left her there for 4 nights just before she turned 2 whilst we went to NY. We all had a ball. Since then DD (now 4) has had two weekends with each set of GPs (in laws are 3hrs away and also seen only every 8 weeks or so) and is being left at the in laws for a few days after Easter and a week long visit is being planned to my parents in the summer. We are counting down the weeks until DS turns 2 and can join her on these visits as I love the break and it is a totally different feeling to the one you get when staying with relatives or having them to stay and you get a couple of hours. Staying with GPs is also going to be our childcare option every half term when the DC start school.
I realise the OP may not want her DS to go off to her ILs but I think a lot of people do let this happen and many of my friends who have GPs who live closer and started at a much younger age than 2. Obviously neither set of GPs parents exactly how I do but I don't think it matters for a few days and is probably good to do see that things are done differently in different houses.

I was left with my utterly beloved grandparents for the weekend when I was an impossible to shut up chatty five year old. I was well prepared, knew perfectly well I was going to stay and was pleased about it, but I can still feel the utter terror of my parents saying goodbye and of crying hysterically. At about seven or eight I was very happy to go to stay with them for a week at a time and loved it, and did so regularly until I was an adult.

Do you think your DH has thought through how he's going to deal with your son's screaming and crying when you suddenly hand him over and let him be driven away in a strange place? (And remind him it's a service station? not even a familiar house your son has visited?) MiL might be happy to have a frantic toddler to soothe and cuddle but the toddler is very unlikely to find it as much emotional satisfaction in it. GPs don't have a 'need' to have grandchildren to stay alone, it's a 'want'.

To give you some more ammunition should you need it in explaining you're not happy about this to the family members who are: This is about MiL's wants and something she sees as a special treat for her, it is likely to be extremely scary and distressing for your child who is very likely to want you desperately and not understand why you've left him in this situation, and you may need to be prepared for the possibility that he will be upset and angry with you afterwards and find separations like going to nursery more difficult in the future if he has had a bad experience of separation. He may not, he may have a wonderful time and not mind at all, but there is an equal and probably greater possibility that he may have an experience that is very distressing and plays a part in his emotional development that you later wish it hadn't.

Distance is the biggest factor here. He doesn't see them frequently enough for this to be ok with him. My MIL lives close by and sees DS a lot, she has had him overnight since he was very young because everyone was happy with it. He is 4 now, and loves his stays with her.
It is normal for her to want to be his Grandma, but is too far away to build enough of a relationship for him to go and stay 2 nights. He isn't going to want to go with her from the services, and leave you / your DH.

As a granny, I would say No. YANBU

I see my DGC all the time as we live close. I have had them to stay 3 times (oldest is 6!)

If he can't speak, and has only met his GP a few times he doesn't really 'know' them yet.

As others have said it would be like handing him over to virtual strangers in a strange place. Who would do that?

I'd try and arrange more visits/trips out with them, but it either should have happened when he was much younger (as if!) or now wait till he's old enough to talk about it.
My oldest DGD is 6, loves coming, but still says she misses her mummy and daddy!

Make your DH read this thread!

She just wants to be " grandma " which is no bad thing.

Well she is Grandma, that's not something she needs to prove by taking a toddler away from his unwilling mother for days at a time

If I wanted to have a close relationship with a toddler I'd try to foster a close relationship with both parents and spend time with all of them as a family.

I'm amazed at all of the YANBU on here.

Different families, different DC temperaments - differing amounts of familiarity with GP, differing parental outlooks. I don't see why that is odd at all.

My DC are quiet shy and easily upset - much better when together so waited till oldest two could both go. My IL also have very rose tinted memoirs young DC - and weren't very child focused in early years much better once DC could talk about what they needed.

Saying no at 2 doesn't mean saying no forever - mine love going to GP now but at 2 it would have been too much for everyone.

just in case my kids are that bored they are on here.
Dear Kids,

me and dad are off Spain when dd4 is finally off our hands.

been there done that and got the Tshirt. love to see the dgc for a few hours but no overnights as me and your dad will be out dancing and drinking

love you all though xxx

What about if they came to stay with you a few times and take him out/you go out so he builds a relationship with them.

Then introduce time at their home, where you/DH stay initially.

There's huge benefits to a strong child/grandparent relationship and basing my evidence on my own DC it gets stronger when the parents aren't around.

Small steps to begin with until you're all happy with progress.

My mother lives a similar distance away and suggested having our DS stay for weekends (and even weeks) when he was 2 or even younger. I wasn't happy with it as he doesnt know her that well (due to distance) and it's just too far away. Her argument was that my grandparents had me and my sister at that age etc. That's her choice or anyone's choice but it's not for me. I made vague comments "maybe when he's older" but DS is now 6 and it still hasn't happened (and probably never will!)
I personally think 2 years old and 200 miles away is too young & too far. If you are not comfortable with it just say no!

I think just handing him over at a service station is ridiculous.

The only way I would consider this is if you all went and stayed, then after a few days, if you thought your son was settled enough, to go and stay in a nearby hotel, for one night, and so let mil have half a day and then overnight and then morning with him without you there.

My dd is two and has stayed overnight with grandparents in similar circs- we all stayed at their house for a week, then dh and I had one night away with gp's babysitting. Everyone had a good time, but dd needed to feel settled first, or we couldn't have done it.

We live hundreds of miles from them, so don't see them in person that much, but I would still say dd knows them well because we phone and Skype at least once a week.