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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 year old going to MIL alone for the weekend - 200 miles away

266 replies

TooSweetToBeWholesome · 02/02/2014 23:00

MIL and DH are keen for DS to visit MIL and her partner for entire weekends, without his parents and just on his own. DS is two. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? He cannot talk yet. The plan involves meeting MIL half way up the motorway and handing him over at a service station to MIL for the weekend.

OP posts:
salsmum · 03/02/2014 01:19

YADNBU, Apart from what everyone else has said is their home 'toddler proofed?' would he be sleeping in a bed with cot sides? are they very 'safety' concious around babies/toddlers? there are so many dangers around that they may not think of if they don't have regular visits from GC I would say that if you're not happy you would not have a 'nice relaxing break' because you'd be a bag of nerves all the time. I think your DS is too young. IF you both get to the service station and you DS is distressed/crying and really isn't happy you will feel a lot of pressure because their expectations will be so high, your DH will be angry/upset/disappointed because he will feel his parents have had a wasted journey and it could all get awkward... tell them they can have your DS when he hits puberty Wink for much longer periods.

Bubblegoose · 03/02/2014 01:25

Yet another saying no way. YANBU.

HicDraconis · 03/02/2014 02:16

YANBU in the slightest.

My boys did an overnight stay with my MiL when they were 4&6 - so the younger boy had his older brother, there were no speech issues and it was in the same town a 5 min drive away. They knew their GM well, were both excited and looking forward to it.

I picked them up the following day, DS2 was very quiet and subdued. He said he'd missed me and cried and wanted to come home but GM had said not to be silly and it was fun and he was coming back tomorrow anyway. He was scared of visiting for ages after that in case I left him again.

And your child is 2?! No no no no. No.

MrsMook · 03/02/2014 03:42

YANBU, it's too far out of yours and DS's comfort zone.

Saying that, DS1's first parent free night was with us 150 miles away and out of contact wild camping in mountains when he was 18m. The difference was that he was with his godmother that he sees weekly and knows as well as family. I trusted her with him totally. I was TTC and he would be with her when baby was born and she would have to be in total loco parentis then, so I felt able to be out of contact and take up the rare opportunity we had to go away.

Original poster
TooSweetToBeWholesome · 03/02/2014 04:35

It's not that I distrust them. I'm sure they are being perfectly nice. It's just that he seems too young. But I have been getting a hard time about resisting from DH, MIL and partner- all have acted as though I'm being ridiculous.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 03/02/2014 04:40

That's because they're all focused on what will make your MIL happy, rather than what might distress your little boy.

I can't think many toddlers would be happy to suddenly be taken to a strange place to be cared for by strange people overnight, with no idea of how long they're there for, or why their mother isn't. It's more than some kids can comfortably handle when they're close to the person they're staying with. And two is very, very tiny.

rabbitlady · 03/02/2014 04:48

no!

you don't have to let your two year old go to grandma's 200 miles away without you. you just don't.

say no.

i am grandma to a two year old. i stayed with her while her mum went to her singing lesson. as the front door closed behind mummy, baby said to me "i'm a bit sad now." and wrinkled her nose. then we got on with having quiet fun for a couple of hours. how sad would she have been if she hadn't been seeing mummy for a couple of days?!

say no.

CheerfulYank · 03/02/2014 05:04

YANBU.

My parents live about a four hour drive from us and they did start having DS when he was about 2, but he was very verbal and has never had an issue staying with them. So I don't think two is necessarily too young for every child, but for some it is.

Stick to your guns, OP. You know him best.

JeanSeberg · 03/02/2014 05:11

One of those situations that only happens on mumsnet - mass hysteria at child staying with grandparents shocker. Hmm

cookiefiend · 03/02/2014 05:34

Yanbu- why are grandparents so grabby with babies? He is too young to be away from you for so long. If YOU want to and HE seems ready you could let her babysit whilst you go out for the evening, but otherwise say no. What does she want to do to him she doesn't feel she can do with you there? And would she call you if he was upset or just tell him off and keep him anyway?

Trust your instincts.

Morgause · 03/02/2014 05:41

It would be lovely for them to have him for the weekend if they lived just up the road. Then if he was unhappy you could easily go round and settle or collect him.

The time for him to travel that far is when he asks you if he can go. Tell then that.

3bunnies · 03/02/2014 05:50

I think 3/ 4 is the earliest I would do it and then I would make sure I was nearby and ring and speak to him a few times. As another poster said maybe book a hotel room either where you live or where they live so you are nearby. I would be concerned though that they don't sound as if they would ring if he was upset. I think that would be another condition that if they don't let you know and you find out that he was upset then the next visit would be delayed. For all these reasons you need to wait until he can communicate clearly.

cupcake78 · 03/02/2014 06:05

Op your right to think its not on! Go with your gut. My mil told me my 7 month old should be having sleep overs with her by now and that she doesn't mind if she cries all night ShockConfusedHmm.

I simply said sorry but it's not happening.

When will people learn its not about what they want its about what the child needs!

Jenijena · 03/02/2014 06:06

Yadnbu. Whoever said that MIL, Mil P and your DH all have MIL interests first are right.

If - and it's a big if - you wanted time without your DS, and you thought he would be ok with it, you could invite MIL to your house for an overnight look after.

brettgirl2 · 03/02/2014 06:17

Yanbu because he's your child so your decision, if you don't feel comfortable fine.

Some of the other 'god no ' posters abu though. How can a child be too young to spend time with gps? Confused. My dds have spent nights at mils 100 miles away younger that that/ at 2. Very odd if you ask me.

TamerB · 03/02/2014 07:14

Mine spent weekends with grandparents at that age but they didn't live far away and it was just 'home from home'. I wouldn't have sent them off in your circumstances. Just politely refuse.

TamerB · 03/02/2014 07:15

You don't have to give a reason or justify, just keep repeating 'if he wants to when he is older'.

Hissy · 03/02/2014 07:17

What brunobrookes said was what I most feel.

It's not about the OP's decision, it's about the reaction to it. How dare some bloke have a go?

Where the hell was your 'd'h in that situation, tooSweet?

This is your call, and if you are not happy, then saying no is your right, absolutely.

HicDraconis · 03/02/2014 07:21

A 2 year old is still so young though! Many 2 year olds are still breast fed to some degree. It's ridiculous to think that a non verbal 2 year old should go hundreds of miles away without his mother with no good reason. And "but his GM wants it" is not a good reason.

Mckayz · 03/02/2014 07:23

I'd let my 19 month old DD go and stay with her grandparents that are over 200 miles away. If she would sleep in a bed and not with us. We see them every other month probably. Sometimes more and sometimes less.

She stays at my Mum and step dads occasionally.

If you aren't happy then don't let him go but it isn't all that weird for grandparents to want to spend time with their grandchildren.

Musicaltheatremum · 03/02/2014 07:26

Trust your instincts but I left my daughter with her grandparents (my parents) when she was just over 2 for 2 nights. We only saw them a handful of times thought the 2 years before but I knew she was happy with them and we only went about 25 mikes away.

mytimewillcome · 03/02/2014 07:30

Just say no. As the others have said it's all about what she wants. A two year old is not going to be happy without his parents and you won't be happy to be so far away. I've split up with my DH because of his is pandering to his mother. And I've got an almost 2 year old and they live 5 hours away and I'll be saying no to him staying with them and that would be with his father!

merrymouse · 03/02/2014 07:31

"It's just that he seems too young."

Only you can know this, and certainly at 2, if that is what you feel, then you are right.

The only reason for him to be looked after by somebody other than his primary carers is if you feel comfortable with it and it would help you out. Sending a small child to stay with people 200 miles away who aren't used to caring for him is completely pointless.

On the other hand, if they want a closer relationship with him, I think it is reasonable to spend more time with them together as a family.

picklesrule · 03/02/2014 07:34

I don't get this obsession with having sleepovers at grandmas! My parents very kindly have my kids but it's because we are away/want to stay out and have beggedasked nicely! They would have no desire to just have them and their 3/4/5 6am wake ups otherwise!!

Stand your ground op, instincts are there for a reason if yours tell you DS is too young then that is the answer! Your dp needs to support you.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 03/02/2014 07:37

I don't think it needs any big conversation with either DH or MIL, all I would say is that you are uncomfortable about it and that it is definitely not happening. Stand your ground, they all sound quite strong willed.

I have an incredibly strong willed ex MIL, who I am still close to, it took maybe a year for me to overcome certain situations that I was not happy with, things she wanted to do with DD, ways she wanted to do things with DD. I'm sure she now sees me as quite difficult, that doesn't matter to me, what matters is that she doesn't do it any more. We have a lovely time with granny, see her regularly and stay with her, she stays with us. Once she knew that I wouldn't budge on certain things, we knew our boundaries.

Good luck.