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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 year old going to MIL alone for the weekend - 200 miles away

266 replies

TooSweetToBeWholesome · 02/02/2014 23:00

MIL and DH are keen for DS to visit MIL and her partner for entire weekends, without his parents and just on his own. DS is two. AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this? He cannot talk yet. The plan involves meeting MIL half way up the motorway and handing him over at a service station to MIL for the weekend.

OP posts:
Jackthebodiless · 02/02/2014 23:33

No way.

OutragedFromLeeds · 02/02/2014 23:34

It's fine as long as all parties are happy with it.

You're not happy with it, so it doesn't happen.

I don't think you need to explain why tbh. You're not comfortable being that far away from him yet, that's all the explanation that's needed.

Paintyfingers · 02/02/2014 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklyboots · 02/02/2014 23:35

My parents live 4 hrs away. They visit regularly and we visit them often. DR adores them, my DM in particular is ace with him as she's been a SAHM to 4 and is currently a Primary School teacher in a very poor area with a very challenging catchment.

DS does not want to visit without me, he is 3. It is only just clear that he understands (or we can only just discuss it in a way that means we know he does) what that would entail. He is extremely socially confident (sometimes too confident) not at all clingy, happy to go to MiL' s/ friends on his own, loves visiting my parents'. But very very clear that overnight, alone, away from us is not attractive right now.

I think while your child can't discuss it and give consent (i.e. understand in a real way what it would mean), it shouldn't happen; it doesn't seem right to you and your child isn't able to indicate if your instincts are on or off. I also think that is a clear and reasonable boundary for.your DH and MiL to appreciate.

I get the, "to give you a break" line, too, OP, and always feel it to be emotionally dishonest...

Sparklysilversequins · 02/02/2014 23:36

I had something similar to this. My ex MIL used to look after ds when he was smaller. As he got older he would get upset about going and would cry as soon as we pulled onto their road. I don't think for a second anything untoward was going on, just perfectly normal separation anxiety. I put a stop to the overnighters but ex MIL was always ringing ex H and moaning at him, ex would come home and go on at me. Ds never went though until he asked to and that didn't happen till he was gone 6. He goes regularly now, age 11, for a couple of days at a time and we all get a lot out of it. It was just a matter of time. I can't stand this entitled pushing to take kids away from their parents so grandparents can have them unsupervised, like they're toys or something!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 02/02/2014 23:36

It's fine as long as all parties are happy with it.

Well the most important "party" to this arrangement can't express his feelings on the matter. So it needs to wait until he can.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 02/02/2014 23:36

I agree Outraged. i wouldn't be getting into any long winded discussion about it.They don't need any more complicated explanation than No thnk you - he's too young. Repeat like a cracked record with no further discussion than that.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 02/02/2014 23:40

My PIL are fab and live 45mins away. They looked after DD a day a week (in our house) from when she was 9mo and they only had her overnight when she was about 2yo and DD knew them really well. She's subsequently been on holiday with them for a week at a time due to DH and I working and CM being on holiday and often stays with them for a couple of nights at a time in the holidays (for work reasons again). However DD knows them really well but even then, she misses us and is keen to come home. A week away is her maximum and sometimes I do have to gently remind PIL that (or gently engineer things so she's with them for 3 days rather than 5). They're well meaning and miss not seeing her so regularly now she's at school. But I'm her mum and sadly their happiness or need to see DD is less important to me than DD's happiness, that's my role as her mum.

My mum lives 3.5hrs away and sees DD only a few times a year. They've babysat for DD when we've visited them, and DD would happily go on a day trip with them. She really likes them and they have fun times, however I wouldn't send DD to them for a weekend without us. Luckily mum realises this and hasn't asked for DD to stay with them. It's sad that PIL do get this and mum doesn't, but it's simply that DD knows PIL much better. I guess, mum also doesn't miss what she's not had (in the nicest of ways)

Fecklessdizzy · 02/02/2014 23:40

No way, he's much too small - he'll think you've abandoned him - if your MIL had half a brain she'd realise this!

Stick to your guns ...

Paintyfingers · 02/02/2014 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amy106 · 02/02/2014 23:41

I wouldn't do it.

Igglywiggly · 02/02/2014 23:46

Yanbu. I certainly wouldn't agree to this and my own circumstances allow me to put myself in your shoes, to a certain extent. Your DS could basically feel like he's been abducted by strangers! He would be terrified. How will he even know that he will see you again?

Inertia · 02/02/2014 23:47

Absolutely no need. Why can't you all visit as a family ? Your child is not a toy to be lent out from the toy library to everyone who thinks it's their turn to have him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/02/2014 23:47

YANBU. YOur DS is 2 and not yet very verbal. He sees your MIL and her partner "every few months and doesn't know them that well in my opinion." He doesn't know them that well in the opinion of every reasoning adult, IMO. I think your DS would feel abandoned and your DH is being extremely unreasonable to be keen to do his mother's bidding.

Note to husband of TooSweetToBeWholesome - man up. You are a father, it is your job and your responsibility to care for and nurture your children. At the very least, you should be prioritising the welfare of your son over pandering to the wishes of your mother. Get a fucking grip!

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 02/02/2014 23:50

Or you could just say 'Mumsnet says no.' Grin

Original poster
TooSweetToBeWholesome · 02/02/2014 23:55

Thank you everyone. This is a huge weight off my mind as even my own mum was making out this was totally reasonable and yet I felt it was not appropriate. Thanks all :-)

OP posts:
OrangeMochaFrappucino · 03/02/2014 00:05

I am just imagining how terrifying this would be for my 3yo - it's a horrible thought. No way would I agree to this!

JennyCalendar · 03/02/2014 00:06

Another YANBU here. He's way too little to stay with strangers on his own.

Dubjackeen · 03/02/2014 00:08

No, he is too young, to be so far away with people that really are strangers to him. YANBU in the slightest.

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 03/02/2014 00:10

I think it's not unreasonable in principle . I'd happily let my DCs go to my MIL at this age, but my MIL is fab and sees a lot of the DCs so they would be over the moon at the chance to spend more time with her. If you aren't happy with it knowing the individuals and relationships involved then it isn't a good idea.

perfectstorm · 03/02/2014 00:21

God, no way. Not on this earth. DS is just about able to manage my Mum in his own home. I'm due quite soon so a very good friend I trust implicitly, and DS pleads to visit after school (her son is in his class, they've been close friends since toddlers)and sobs when I collect him for home, had him for a sleepover on Friday. She called me at 10.30 because he wanted to come home, and when she dropped him off he clung to me for a good few minutes. DS visits MIL for a few days now, but with his dad. He still gets a bit tearful about being away from me and his home at night, though, apparently. He just doesn't know her well enough to get any security from her. And he's five!

Two? Two, and grownup wants are all anyone is bothered about?!

I refused to let him go on hols with them, aged 1.5 and the partner had a go at me! And your DH allowed this individual to treat you in this manner, and even to make demands that your pre-verbal toddler visit them alone when he barely knows them?

You should always, always follow your instincts, IMO. Nobody knows your child better than you. My son adores my mother, even when I find her a pain, and he's fine with her. He would not be with anyone else - and to be honest, I wish he would be. It would make life easier! But at two, no way would I send a little kids off like that to a strange house and people he barely knows. He'd feel completely abandoned, and he's a small person, not a toy to be shared.

perfectstorm · 03/02/2014 00:25

Note to husband of TooSweetToBeWholesome - man up. You are a father, it is your job and your responsibility to care for and nurture your children. At the very least, you should be prioritising the welfare of your son over pandering to the wishes of your mother. Get a fucking grip!

This. Completely this.

It's worth remembering that a familiar environment also matters to small children, too. DS is fine alone with my mother in his own house, but he's very clear he doesn't want to stay at hers overnight without either me or DH. To send a small child to a strange town, house and carers would IMO be cruel.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 03/02/2014 00:37

I wouldn't let DD stay overnight with my own mum yet - DD is nearly 2, Mum is lovely, adores her, is great with her etc etc, but she lives a 2.5 hr drive away and it's just too far. DD talks a bit but not very coherently - words tend to be nouns and really, all you'd get from her if she was unhappy would be No, Mummy and Daddy. I don't think it would be fair on either DD or Mum to put that sort of pressure on them at this age.

PIL are 400 miles away so that's not feasible either. They have had their other grandkids to stay from the age of 2 up (BIL and SIL stayed a good 4 hrs drive away at the time) and they were very worried that the kids would be unhappy. As it was, the kids were ok until recently - BIL & SIL left the kids with PIL for a week while they went on holiday to Dubai (kids now 4 and 7) and DNiece started to cry for her mother at bedtime, which was horrible for all concerned.

ArtexMonkey · 03/02/2014 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2014 00:51

Both of my children did overnights with their grandparents at 2 and didn't suffer any lasting harm. I don't think it's 'too young' at all. BUT both sets of gps lived in the same town and saw them 3-5 times per week.

Would I have sent either of them off 200 miles to gp they saw infrequently? Not on your life!

I can understand any grandmother wanting to have her grandchild stay with her. I'm sure there's nothing sinister or inappropriate in her desire to do so. But he is too young to be that far away from his parents.

Could she come to yours and stay there overnight with him while you and DH have a night away? That way he'd be in familiar surroundings, you'd be a phone call away, and she'd still have one on one time with him.