AIBU to wonder how working parents manage without extended family support?

[SatsumaSatsuma]

I supposedly have the ultimate family friendly job. I am a part -time teacher, so work term time only, 4 (part) days a week. I often finish early enough to pick up my 2dds from school.

However, despite the seemingly convenient nature of my job, I have depended on grandparents (during January only) to:
-collect dd1 from school once while I took dd1 to the orthodontist out of town
-look after dd1 while she was off sick for 1.5 days
-look after dd2 while she has INSET day
look after DD1 for 3 days at the start of term as her school (private) has holidays that differ from my state school term dates
-collect both dds while I rushed off to an emergency with another relative in hospital
-have dd's as usual on my staff meeting nights after school

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous amount of help to need, for 2 dc, when I work term time only, P/T?

AIBU to think that it would be unbelievably stressful trying to work without their support, to the point that it wouldn't even seem viable?

Got me thinking...How on earth do others manage to work, have DC without family support?

I know we have both been lucky that, while we both work long hours and have a lot of responsibility, our bosses are relatively flexible. So we would go through diaries when dd was sick, move meetings around a little if possible, and usually one do morning, the other the afternoon and swop at home, but I do remember a couple of days with a not badly ill baby doing a swop from 1 car to the other around the corner from the office. In recovery stage. And those days, the morning person would go in very early (6 for DH, I can't get into my bldg until 7), while the evening person would stay late (maybe 7-8pm) so we'd effectively do an almost full day, sah person could do a bit while dd was asleep and we'd catch up over the following few days anyway. And it felt easier as she went to a crèche between our 2 offices in the city centre, so commuted with us daily and it was easy to get her if there were problems. We drove when she was very small, but from 2.5, she'd go on the back of dh's bicycle into town and home on the bus with me, for another 2 years. But being in town also meant that there was a lot less stress in the commute, as we already had her, not chasing to get to crèche before it closed, traffic issues were ok as we could entertain her, and I could pull in for nappy changes or snuggles if there really was any issues. Very bad traffic meant I could turn around and go to meet DH for dinner in town and feed dd there, rather than trying to sit in gridlock (which was an issue at the time on occasion). I always had spare nappies and the makings of a bottle in her bag, extra from crèche needs, and I was still bf until 9 mths so could do that too in emergencies.

And that crèche was not as prone to panic as others locally here, they'd try calpol and cooling kids down for fevers first, ring parents to tell them but allow an hour before saying come and get them, which was close by as well so fast to get there. Local ones say collect in 20 mins at first call, when office is min of 45 mins, whereas I'd have time to warn boss and get stuff together to do urgent stuff at home in the afternoon/night, pass things to colleagues, and start looking at diary to consider rearranging things if necessary.

That crèche also picked up that dd has some SNs, and advised us to get it checked out - which did turn out to be HF aspergers/ADHD, that we were a year ahead in dx and getting some support because of that advice. Due to waiting lists and the time it took for school to think there may be an issue.

But our lives are all about juggling and organisation anyway, and had always been even before dd came along. We manage, but it can get stressful at times.

Yes..I send her with a cold. But I know oarents who send them with sick bugs etc. Drives me nuts.

And I only send her which a cold which is just a runny nose but she is running about well.

I dont send the kids in if they are sick or have a bad cold. I think this is wrong, on them and the rest of the class. I've worked as a childminder and had kids who should have been tucked up in bed or the couch but instead they were dropped with me crying at 8am. I agree with alark, it doesnt build up their immune systems, it just makes for miserable kids.

It's really difficult. We have no help and I'm in a constant state of anxiety trying to sort it. I'm currently bad with anxiety over the summer holidays - I've got months ahead of me feeling like this but I can't stop it and no doubt it will escalate. Sometimes I think working just isn't worth it, realistically though I know it is but it really is bad for my mental health.

I dont think she/he meant it like that mrsdevere.

OP - as you've always had extended family nearby, willing and able to pick up any childcare issues, I can see that to imagine anything else must seem very problematic. But life's like that isn't it? - we get used to our own routines and systems and we tend to think we couldn't cope if things were different, when in fact we jolly well would!

We've never had family living nearby, and many of our extended family have their own jobs and lives anyway so even if they did I'm not sure we would rely on them. There's no secret: you just get on with it. We used a mix of nursery and cm from early on, partly because we knew that once the children started school, we'd need flexibility for in service days, occasional sickness etc

It also helps hugely to have a partner who sees your roles as equal and will step up and take their share of the occasions when a child gets sick and you need to take alternate days off work. I think if one partner sees their role as vastly more important and is reluctant to step up to childcare and domestic responsibilities, then it's a big burden on the other parent, which is why it's vital to talk these things through and shape your career and home life in a way which suits all members of the family.

It is tough, I won't deny it. When our children were little and childcare wiped out my entire income for a couple of years, and we'd be praying that the kids wouldn't go down with various bugs which would mean they couldn't go to nursery-yeap it's tough.

I think the upside though is that you do get a satisfying sense of working as a team with your partner, and there is no guilt about possibly exploiting the good nature of extended family.

I work for the NHS, and we are not allowed to work from home. We are allowed a certain number of carers leave days each leave, but the expectation is that if you have carers responsibilities you are not able to work effectively at the same time. DH works in the private sector, and his company are far more flexible - they will allow working from home (for a day or 2 at most) as long as you get the work done/are able to fee your time/speak to clients over the phone.

Some companies/organisations I think are more flexible than others - whether that's through choice or necessity, or simply an acknowledgement that providing you're not taking the p, then a bit of flexibility goes a long way - esp. if they then need you to return the 'favour' at some point.

many of our extended family have their own jobs and lives anyway so even if they did I'm not sure we would rely on them

That's a good point. It's not just about having a family and friend network to rely on, it's about having family and friends who don't work. How many people are lucky enough to have that?

I did have family help with DD..my.mum and auntie watched her while I worked until she was 6. But they are in 70s wth own health issues so I can't ask them now. It is much much harder but you do find a way. We are lucky we get some respite so can get some time out together.

We pay. Childminder, after school clubs, babysitters. We are envious people with grandparents around. We just manage because we have to.

It is bloody difficult - especially if you're a LP with no extended family (not just none nearby, or none available in the daytime, none at all). I've managed because I have to. I work FT, have been out of the house 12 hours a day 5 days a week since my youngest DS was 1 (he's now nearly 13). It is fucking hard work. I have missed an awful lot of school events because 20 days annual leave only goes so far, attended 2 parents evenings in primary school because they all ended at 5.30 and I don't even leave work til then, I can count on both hands the number of times I've collected my DSs from school. And the list goes on...

There have been times I've wished I still had one or both my parents even just for support and advice, or a partner I could turn to. It is as it is, but I wish it were different.

I'm a single parent with 2 pre school DCs whose Dad lives 2 hours away and is unreliable to say the least. My only remaining family are an aunt and uncle 4.5 hours away. Friends are spread about, most around 40 mins away.

So, its work that has to be flexible. I run my own business from home and although its going well its never going to make me anywhere near what I made in my corporate life.

However, after accounting for the fact that I have very low childcare costs - I don't imagine my spending money is that much lower than it would be if I was full time employed and using childcare extensively.

Its hard as I'm constantly trying to do 3 things at once, but I enjoy spending time with the kids (mostly!) and can't see how I'd cope with illness or other unexpected stuff if I was employed. So, I guess something has to give and for me it was a 'career' employed role.

Its much more complicated and heart wrenching making these decisions than I ever thought it would be when pregnant with no1 that's for sure!

We have no family nearby (I pretty much have no family). We both work full time and luckily have employers that are flexible with respect to working from home, or time off with sick kids. I also have a fab childminder who will have ds if the school is closed unexpectedly. You just have to manage. To be honest I don't find it difficult, it is just what we are used too.

We have a 2 year old and 3 year old. I have a part time job and run my own consulting business which I run 2 days a week and most evenings. My husband works full time in a senior position. We have no family nearby.
Everything is juggled. If kids are sick I can take time off and work at home in evenings for business. We have a fantastic childminder and a babysitter. We also use emergency childcare if we need to.
It's not ideal and I feel like everything is rushed. But I love working and I feel this stage won't last forever and we'll get through it till it does.

DH and I both work full time, although i have family nearby they also work full time so we have no family support in the sense of emergency childcare etc.
We manage by me working from home if DD is very very ill, DH has had to take unpaid leave in the past, luckily DD is not a particularly sickly child and a sniffle or cough does not equal time off school etc as it seems to with a couple of our friends with one sahp.

hm, have yet to find someone willing to look after dc late "un-social" hours. Have asked nursery many times if any of their staff are willing to babysit. Teenager abysitters are often not avaibale to pick dc up from aschool. Result is that dc are left on their own at home even to they are primary school age

Thanks to all for sharing your experiences:)

To those of you who think I'm so privileged that the thought of paid child are never occurred to me... we have used after school clubs, breakfast clubs, nursery... The grandparents only moved close by 2 years ago. Funny how you can annoy people on mumsnet without even trying, lol!

I'm really talking about how you cope with the unforeseen- when things crop up unexpectedly . It's not always as simple as booking another slot with the childminder, even if you have one!