AIBU to wonder how working parents manage without extended family support?

[SatsumaSatsuma]

I supposedly have the ultimate family friendly job. I am a part -time teacher, so work term time only, 4 (part) days a week. I often finish early enough to pick up my 2dds from school.

However, despite the seemingly convenient nature of my job, I have depended on grandparents (during January only) to:
-collect dd1 from school once while I took dd1 to the orthodontist out of town
-look after dd1 while she was off sick for 1.5 days
-look after dd2 while she has INSET day
look after DD1 for 3 days at the start of term as her school (private) has holidays that differ from my state school term dates
-collect both dds while I rushed off to an emergency with another relative in hospital
-have dd's as usual on my staff meeting nights after school

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous amount of help to need, for 2 dc, when I work term time only, P/T?

AIBU to think that it would be unbelievably stressful trying to work without their support, to the point that it wouldn't even seem viable?

Got me thinking...How on earth do others manage to work, have DC without family support?

I don't think I've ever relied on friends to have the DCs. They went to nursery before they started school, and then we had an au pair when they needed picking up/taking to school. For the two years DS was at school and DD wasn't we had a childminder for DS.

I'm lucky my children have had no real health problems, on the odd occasion one of them has had needed a day off school I've taken the day myself. Once they started secondary they've been fine with a day snuggled on the sofa with DVDs and hot chocolate if they need it.

I can honestly say I haven't found it a nightmare, at all.

Get on with it with a lot of stress tbh.

We only have one 4 yr old and I'm shifting my 3 days a week to over 4 days when he starts school so I can drop him off and pick up 3 days a week. DH will pick up day 4. If he's sick one of us works from home. I work in education and have the school holidays off and a very understanding manager so that helps a lot too.

sorry, loads of x posts!!!

I agree its the extra stuff that crops up that's the nightmare, not the routine stuff (which I know people have a plan for). that's what this thread is about really- the extra stuff that crops up and ruins the best laid palns

we used to use after school club before grandparents moved nearby, then they became our after school club so now when extra things crop up, we can only book an extra session with them!

No DC yet, but my parents raised me on their own and they both worked full-time. We live in England, all my family is in Australia.

The answer is in childcare. I was there from three months - two childminders, then a combination of nursery, pre-school and a childminder, then when I started school, I was in aftercare. My dad started work late enough to take me to school at 8.30, but both my parents worked until at least 5pm, so I finished school, went to after school clubs and was picked up between 5-6pm, depending on when my parents finished.

During the holidays, I was in holiday care Mon-Fri and my parents had weekends off. If they worked late or both had to work a weekend for whatever reason, I was picked up by a babysitter and looked after until they got home.

When things fall over and nursery call to say DD has to be picked up you phone your DH and negotiate who is able to leave clutching their laptop and work they need to do. You then try to work from home as and when you can while DC clamber over you and bash your laptop keys. I have no doubt the school years will be worse.

It is hard- Dh and I both work full time and all our family are over 200 miles away. I am a teacher, so holidays are covered.

He takes days off for INSET
We have a CM for before/after school.
We take it in turns to have time off for dcs illness and hosp appts 9 ds2 has a fair few of these!)
I miss many school events eg assemblies, sports days- where he can, dh takes half days to attend these.
I have friends I can use for emergencies.

It is hard, and costly - so be very kind to your extended family!!

Oh, and if I was sick and couldn't go to school/childcare, my parents had to take days off. There was no other option. They generally alternated days and if I had something like a heavy cold (ie. I wasn't contagious with a bug or anything), I went to work with my mum and she set up a "nest" in her office for me - pillows, books, colouring stuff. etc and I stayed there while she worked. Not ideal, but she had to work.

If you put them in full timr childcare from babies once at school they have a very strong immune system. Dd1 has never had a day off sick in 3 years since starting school

Satsuma - We fall off the knife edge if something extra happens. We don't use child care, we work opposite hours. The unexpected for us would mean finding emergency child care that would cover long and very unsocial hours for DC who have never been cared for by anyone else.

I have 1 pre schooler and 1 reception child. I packed work in over a year ago as GP help ran out (health/operations). They are there for the odd bit of help.

We have no family within 100 miles of us, it has always been that way.
If I was a single parent, I can imagine it being hard, as a 2 parent family we have managed no problem. I do work in a school, so holiday care isn't an issue.

We pay for childcare and dh and I share responsibility for the unexpected and the medical.

We have no family support as both our dads are dead, my mum is disabled and MIL is in her eighties. Life involves a lot of juggling. DH works full time as a teach and has an evening and weekend additional sports coach job. I work 4 days a week. The DC do after school club and I start early so I can pick them up, whereas DH does the morning school run. If they get Ill we toss a coin and take it as annual leave. In the holidays I take annual leave to cover the times when DH's school holiday is not the same as the DCs. If there is a crisis, like my mum getting sick, we juggle like crazy and don't sleep much to make it all happen.

I find these threads really frustrating. It is how it is. I can't suddenly magic up a family member to act as an unpaid nanny. This is normal for my DC.

Tbh it was a factor in us having children 'early' (mid-20's) so we'd be young and hopefully well enough to help when they have children and nite have to struggle like we do.
Right now, id give anything for some sleep and time 'off'

I agree therein - really frustrating.

You just have to get on with it. Unless you can magically do without one person's income, then you both have to continue working when you have DCs and do whatever you have to do - family support is a luxury, and one that plenty of us don't have. We still manage - it's hard, but perfectly possible.

My parents and in laws live on another continent. We both work FT. Huge childcare bill and taking annual leave when DS is sick. Don't have a choice.

DH and I have arranged flexible working so that DD is in nursery 3 days instead of 5. We use special leave from work if she is ill, and take it in turns to take the time off.

My parents are very close by (my inlaws are not) and we know that we're very lucky in that they will watch her if we both need to work an evening, go to hairdresser, have an occasional night out. That said, they refuse to do 'regular childcare' (ie fixed day a week), which I do totally understand, but I can't help feeling jealous of friends who pay no childcare at all because the grannies do it. Money is tight and nursery is pricey.

I really worry about when DD goes to school though, as we'll have to use summer clubs, alternate holidays etc to watch her. I've told them that I'll be begging them to take her for a week or so in school holidays. I often sometimes wish I had pursued teaching, as it surely makes the holiday thing easier? My mum was a teacher so my parents didn't have that problem.

But yes, I know we're lucky. And if we didn't have them things would be really hard. And how single parents, without family support manage, I have no idea.

Yes it is hard and we pay a lot in childcare. Some of my friends have parents who live locally who help. I don't they they appreciate it as much as they should !

Well dh and I have to work it out together and use paid-for child care. If I had an appointment for 1 child at, say, hospital, I would just have to take the other one too. Of course you just have to get on with it and find a way. What else could you do?

My employer seems to assume that it's employees have family assistance. Many do so when those of us who don't struggle my employer isn't sympathetic. My employer' response is that we should have a nanny (our hours wouldn't be covered by other child care) we aren't on that sort of income.

Given that you're a teacher OP - does this thread explain why so many of us get frustrated when schools have things like "open afternoons to see your children's art work" or "come and build a robot out of junk with your DCs". Lovely though these events may be, 2 weeks notice is far from ideal and it cuts massively into our annual leave allocation - leave which is required to cover sick leave, or winter school closures, or strikes, or anything else which is thrown at us

A mixture of mutual favours with friends (taking it in turns to have the insets off and caring for a little gang of kids that day), paid care, and toughening up the DCs. For example, if your DD 11 must walk to school by herself and let herself in when she gets home, then she must. There's not a lot of point in angst about it if she has no choice.

Therefore reassessing whether it's best for everyone (financially and otherwise) for there to be no-one at home, making your decision and then not feeling guilt about it. I went back FT when DCs were 10 and 8 as in the nursery days I was constantly getting phoned about conjunctivitis etc and was taking too much time off.

I'm not talking about 7 year olds having to fend for themselves alone, but by the time they get to secondary they should be capable of getting home and making themselves a bit of toast.

I have only recently had GP help, but they are not 100% health wise so it is only for emergencies ( they are happy to have poorly child lying on their sofa - as long as no sickness - , and to cover 1 day p/w of holidays).

We manage by DH and I taking turns to cover emergencies/holidays etc. We use breakfasts club, holiday club, take most annual leave separately.

Luckily, as a poster above mentioned, as my DCs have been in childcare since 6mo, they have strong immune systems, and get sent to school unless they have lost a limb!

Exactly preparing them for the world of work unless me or dh are in a coma we go in. No work no pay and the kids are the same. If they moan they are ill I say go in and see how you feel in a bit and then they soon forget it.