AIBU to wonder how working parents manage without extended family support?

[SatsumaSatsuma]

I supposedly have the ultimate family friendly job. I am a part -time teacher, so work term time only, 4 (part) days a week. I often finish early enough to pick up my 2dds from school.

However, despite the seemingly convenient nature of my job, I have depended on grandparents (during January only) to:
-collect dd1 from school once while I took dd1 to the orthodontist out of town
-look after dd1 while she was off sick for 1.5 days
-look after dd2 while she has INSET day
look after DD1 for 3 days at the start of term as her school (private) has holidays that differ from my state school term dates
-collect both dds while I rushed off to an emergency with another relative in hospital
-have dd's as usual on my staff meeting nights after school

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous amount of help to need, for 2 dc, when I work term time only, P/T?

AIBU to think that it would be unbelievably stressful trying to work without their support, to the point that it wouldn't even seem viable?

Got me thinking...How on earth do others manage to work, have DC without family support?

op, for christs sake, what do you mean how do people cope?

have you read any replies here??

we cope cos we bloody have to, theres no magic solution!

how did you cope before granny moved?

ok, I get it, you really dont know...well heres the answer

1. phone your boss and piss them off, telling them the dc's are unwell

1. phone in sick yourself

3.panic

4.try to think if you have a pal who is A. not at work today and B. willing to take your puking/snottery/miserable child and sit in the house all day with them

1. resign yourself to phoning into work and being in their bad books for the foreseeable

1. come onto mumsnet when the dc's are tanked up on calpol and watching telly, only to find smug threads like this

7.cry

I'm a p/t (4.5 days so nearly full time) teacher.
I pay a childminder for after school and training days for DD2 who is 9. From when DD1 started highs school, she' stayed at home on her own or walked around to my Dad's to visit on a training day. Luckily she likes her own company and loves the peace and quiet!

If their school calls and says they are unwell my school will let me go and get them. If they are poorly then that's another matter.

We have parents locally, but due to circumstances and health, we can't call on them to help with childcare.

2kids, it sounds like your dc are similar age to mine. I wish my 11 yo liked being home alone- she gets spooked!

My children are rarely off sick - thank goodness, I only let them stay home for high temp or sickness.
I do have to ask friends occasionally but also dh has to take holiday time to cover some occasions.
Very rarely, maybe twice ever, my mum has come to help. She lives an hour and a half away and runs her own business. I have worked from home before when I had just dd1 and she had slapped cheek. She laid asleep on me while I made calls and typed emails.
It's hard and next year dh is hoping to change his hours so he can drop dc at school and they will need to go to breakfast club on one day a week. I work term time only. I miss my previous career but I cannot see how we would get the work life balance right for us if I went back to just 5 weeks holiday a year so sticking to a lower paid school job is the compromise.

Same as CMOT, we both work FT+. We pay through the hooha for care and and try to stretch AL out as far as poss

I used to have family support. I don't now, well not week to week, but probably in a real emergency, and I work 4 days week.
I do swapsies a lot with dc friends, e.g I will take kids to school 2 days a week, my neighbour and parent of ds's classmate takes mine 2 days.
In the holidays I will have one (or two or three!) of ds's friends when their parents have to work, and it's quid pro quo.
I have a childminder who does the after school bits, and occasional holiday days. It expensive, and I would be a lot better off if there were GP's instead of childminder.

FT teacher here. No family within 200 miles.

Looking at your examples:
collect dd1 from school once while I took dd1 to the orthodontist out of town

Well you booked the appointment, so that was entirely avoidable. All non-emergency medical appointments have to be out iof term time for us.

look after dd1 while she was off sick for 1.5 days
Childminder or I do the emergency dash to pick up sick child from school (I work closer to home than DH does). DH and I toss up who does the second day - he builds up 'flex' hiours very actively every week to have a few to 'spend' on such occasions, and he is well set up to work from home.

look after dd2 while she has INSET day
DH takes holiday, or childminder.

look after DD1 for 3 days at the start of term as her school (private) has holidays that differ from my state school term dates
I moved jobs to be in the same county, with the same holiday dates, as whemn i worked in a neighbouring county there were up to 5 weeks per year (in the worst year, 2 at Easter, 2 spearate half terms, and a week of the summer) that didn't overlap. However, childminder or holiday club type things would cover the shortdfall here.

collect both dds while I rushed off to an emergency with another relative in hospital
When at primary, both children went to a childminder before school, and after school care afterwards. So 7.30 am to 5.45 pm covered in an emergency. By 5.45, in an emergency, DH could be home (hour commute). Now DS is at secondary, and when DD starts next year, both will walk the mile + journey each way, and have had to become capable of looking after themselves before and after school. I am currently 'training' DD - 2 nights a week she walks herself home from primary, gets changed and goes out to her dance school about 10 minutes' walk away. She has so far proved herself entirely capable, so there will be more of that as Year 7 approaches.

have dd's as usual on my staff meeting nights after school
Paid after school care for DD. DS does an extra-curriocular activity at school (free) to reduce his time home alone.

Friends who are more 'there' for their children before and after school comment on how capable and independent my children are - I never have to ferry lost kit etc. I reply that they have simply had to be.

Teacher, dd has to have orthodontic treatment very 2 weeks and it's a long way away. That's just how it is. Although I accept we could've gone for the inferior treatment option, closer by.

Also, we are in a semi rural location so we have very real public transport and road safety issues re walking/ getting to school that would not be relevant in a town. I would love to live somewhere where the dc needed less ferrying about, tbh.

I wander off for a couple of hours to drop kids at a party and the thread triples in size!

annie Thanks for your comment. Tbh I just looked at standard nursery hours when DD was small (6 years ago) ans reasoned that we couldn't make it work. At the moment we both work a range of shifts including nights from 8pm to 8am and lates from 4pm to 1am sowould need quite a lot of evening/overnight cover.

A nanny would be perfect but would cost more than I earn by quite a bit! Maybe if Mary Poppins felldown the chimney?

OP, you also mention 'coping with the unforseen'.

The only 'unforseen' that you mention is the hospital emnergency with another relative.

Although the date and time of the illness is 'unforseen', you know that your children WILL be ill at some point, so we have a 'known procedure' in place, which our employers are aware of. My school knows that i am the 'first point of call', but they also know that I am unlikely to be off for more than a day with a sick child. DH's knows that he is vanishingly unlikely to be called away at a moment's notice, but that he may have to work at home at a day's notice. Obviously this isn't robust against e.g. a fornight's hospital stay ior extended convalescence, but it is robuist against all 'normal' childhood ailments.

All the others are 'known and bookable' - we have all INSET etc days written on the calendar from the beginning of the year, and worked out childcare for staff meerting nights in September.

Ok teacher, maybe coping with the extras may be a more apt description. Hats of to you- you've got the military operation covered :)

'Off'

OK, I understand about the orthodontic treatment - but most of us would cope with a fortnightly commitment over a long period of time buy booking xchildcare. Definitely not an 'unforseen emergency' that can't be managed , though for most of us we have to pay for it.

We used to live rurally. We moved into a town, partly for the reasons you mention. DD does 10+ hours a week at a single extra-cuirricular activity outside school, DS slightly less but at a wider variety. Although I do taxi them, especially in the winter, to some of this, the fact that they CAN get themselves to these + school every day is a convenience that definitely offsets the hugely greater cost of housing!

Military operation only way to survive! Spontaneity a luxury we (quite literally) can't afford :-)

Re the orthodontic thing... It also involves 3 hrs on a train and DH taking a day of per month ( we do alternate apts). So tbh, collecting the other dd is the least of it!

I'm not trying to be smug or compete with anyone. Just lamenting the complexities of work/ home/ family juggling , which is tricky enough even WITH support :)

I don't cope, this year I will most likely lose my job.

I've had 5 absences in work, 2 lots for me as I had tonsillitis and a operation and 3 lots of emergency dependant leave because of chicken pox and sick bugs.

My boss told me of the same happens this year I won't have a job next year and I'm on supervision.

It's hard! We don't have any family and isn't viable to pay a child minder. I have a 1yo and a 2yo. Before Xmas dh and I were clocking up 90+ hours per week between us, with one of us always with the children. Military operation that sometimes saw me working night shifts and not sleeping for. 40 continuous hours ( day with children, night shift, day with children) I just get on with it. Have been nicknamed "the machine". And we had one day together on Xmas day and haven't had a day together since then!

Oh basics :(

We have no family help on a day to day weekily basis. My parents have had DS for the odd week in the holidays but have now said (now I'm working that it may be difficult for them in the future.

As it is we work opposite hours to cover looking after DS.. My OH has recently had some changes to his work hours, and as he is on agency doesn't feel he can say , and my employer are not being helpful and are refusing to budge over the matter of a couple of hours.

I may be in the position of having to give up the job and look for something else. Their are currently no places in any after school club even if I was paid enough to cover it

Lp here - work 30 hrs a week and no family within 400 miles. I manage with before and after school clubs, and fortunately I'm on good terns with my ex in laws and they help in emergencies where they can.
Xh works away a lot but does a pick up a week if he can. I try and rearrange my hours so I'm off for inset days and some hols.
It's not easy but we manage.

I'm always impressed how people do manage. We didn't find it difficult at all with no family help from either side but that was because we had a full time nanny who only worked for us. Getting a child up to go to a nursery or a childminder and collecting him again at night would have been a pain.

Dh and I are both full-time teachers. We have two fabulous childminders who sahre the care of our children and treat them like family. They are worth their weight in gold. The dc go there before and after school every day and also on INSET days.
School holidays are obviously not a problem!
If one of the dc is ill, dh and I take turns to be off with them. Luckily we have very healthy children.
The thing that we find the hardest is the work/life balance. We both have loads of work to do in the evenings and at weekends and juggling that with spending quality yime with the children and each other is far harder.

No help here, dp in long-hours job. Gave up career and did jobs for cash around dd. Desperately trying to get back into a job, but now on scrap-heap due to age and rusty skills.

PT work is the key to this for us. I work 3 days so during holidays we only have 60% of the days to worry about.

Sharing childcare on holidays/inset/sick days between us

Using clubs in local schools during the holidays

Breakfast and after school club

Costs £££

Its tricky but doable.

My mum does the odd day but she is far away so it's no more than a couple of days per year

And I am mean so my children have to have a limb hanging off before I let them miss a day of school.

I tend not to ask friends as mine are still young and I feel it's too much of an ask. I also don't want to spend what little holiday I ahve looking after other peoples kids in return.