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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder how working parents manage without extended family support?

309 replies

SatsumaSatsuma · 01/02/2014 08:12

I supposedly have the ultimate family friendly job. I am a part -time teacher, so work term time only, 4 (part) days a week. I often finish early enough to pick up my 2dds from school.

However, despite the seemingly convenient nature of my job, I have depended on grandparents (during January only) to:
-collect dd1 from school once while I took dd1 to the orthodontist out of town
-look after dd1 while she was off sick for 1.5 days
-look after dd2 while she has INSET day
look after DD1 for 3 days at the start of term as her school (private) has holidays that differ from my state school term dates
-collect both dds while I rushed off to an emergency with another relative in hospital
-have dd's as usual on my staff meeting nights after school

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous amount of help to need, for 2 dc, when I work term time only, P/T?

AIBU to think that it would be unbelievably stressful trying to work without their support, to the point that it wouldn't even seem viable?

Got me thinking...How on earth do others manage to work, have DC without family support?

OP posts:
soundedbetterinmyhead · 01/02/2014 08:51

Yes to SirChenjin I always seem to get about 3 days' notice of these and DCs are sad when we can't go although they've pretty much got used to it now.

Original poster
SatsumaSatsuma · 01/02/2014 08:54

oh gosh, SirChenin, it's really isn't it? I hate it when my OWN dcs' schools do this, as I'm often busy teaching someone else's dc!

this wasn't meant to be a frustrating thread- move a sympathetic one, ie if it's hard for me, with a p/t role and family support, it must be harder for others! hats off to you. although.... in teaching you cannot take annual leave so there is no flexibility in term time at all.

I think pre school years are much easier, ime.

I do get very frustrated with the constant juggling! we haven't had a 'normal' routine week since before xmas!

OP posts:
hairylittlegoblin · 01/02/2014 08:55

Constant juggling and some compromises. I would like to work more hours but with us both being shift workers it would be an absolute nightmare. I work nights because that way I can work the maximum number of hours at once and cause the least impact on our family life. Standard childcare doesn.t help much when you have parents who work variable hours each day/week. But we chose to have kids so it's up to us to make it work!

annieorangutan · 01/02/2014 08:57

hairylittlegoblin -I have worked at various settings which cater for shift workers and changing shifts every week. We can do this for shop, care, nursing staff. If children start as babies we get to know you and will do anything. On top of that the staff will do babysitting out of hours and drop your children home.

littlemrssleepy · 01/02/2014 08:58

theborrower I'm the opposite - my parents would do a regular day(s) childcare but i'd rather not use them. I'd seen it before with my neices and nephews and my PiL - they became secondary parents. Got frustrated with the kids they way all 'parents' do. Didn't seem to enjoy them as grand kids and more. Dh and I resolved we would pay for childcare if we possibly could, even if at times it meant one of us was in effect working for nothing (2 in ft nursery in London at one point). It does mean we can rely on the gp's for the more ad hoc things and so I agree with op - we could make do without this, but it makes life a damn site easier knowing I can pick the phone up and ask mum if needs be. I don't think I'd like to be asking her further adhoc stuff if she already did a regular day(s).

Igglywiggly · 01/02/2014 09:00

Annie - we would need cover from 5am sometimes and until 2am other times. Is there really non-nanny cover for that?

JanePurdy · 01/02/2014 09:02

Where we get stuck is we can't find childcare to cover the hours we need. Currently DP works 2 days (& the weekend) & my mum covers those 2 days, but come the summer she won't do childcare any more & DP will have to go full time - I am trying not to think about it as I think I will have to quit.

annieorangutan · 01/02/2014 09:03

Yeah there is for anything once you know people. Childcare staff since the recession will do what needs to be done as they need work as well. I have friends who cover all nights, early mornings, weekends, drop them home etc. I would never be worried about childcare in this day and age as so much available.

Original poster
SatsumaSatsuma · 01/02/2014 09:04

this thread has been interesting. it's made me realise that i do have a degree of control over some of the things that have cropped up for us.

eg illness (dd genuinely poorly, but if I had no option, I might've forced her to go in on that first day). Orthodontist: I might've settled for the second rate option for dd which is located closer to home. Hospital visit: elderly relative would've had to go without visitors and cope with Occ and mental health assessment alone.

maybe because I know I have GPs there, I occasionally agree to do things that wouldn't otherwise be an option.

OP posts:
brettgirl2 · 01/02/2014 09:06

I don't think teaching is that family friendly. You can't work from home/ take al if a child is ill, nip off to take them to the doctors.

If you are a single parent that is what is making it tough, we share the load between us (and both of our jobs are far more flexible than yours).

MrsSchadenfreude · 01/02/2014 09:08

Crescent - one of you takes a day's leave, or you can try and work from home. This is easier if you have a wan seven year old slumped on the sofa watching CBBC rather than a vomiting and hyper 5 year old.

peppapigiscomingtotea · 01/02/2014 09:09

You pay for childcare.

For emergencies, you share the responsibility, take a child to work (have done with slightly older children (your children would fall into this category and I have seen teacher's DC at school and pre schools) or you call in the occasional favour from friends.

You are in a v fortunate position as you have the possibility of calling on grandparents. To be honest, having never been in that position myself, I do feel rather envious of people who do have the option of loving family and the added bonus of keeping their salary rather than paying for childcare.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/02/2014 09:09

Just get on with it.

I work 12 hour shifts (part time), DS starts nursery at 7.30 and DH picks him up. If he's sick one of us has to take a day off.

God knows how it'll work when he starts school as after school clubs don't fit in our working hours. We don't work in offices and can leave when we feel like it. We both can work weekends so we plan in advance which one of us will be home. We don't see each other much!

I agree having family help is a luxury and some people don't realise how lucky they are.

ummingandahhing · 01/02/2014 09:09

I'm sorry OP, I know you're trying to be sympathetic but threads like this make me want to scream. To me who is struggling, it just feels a bit like rubbing my face in it.

We have no GPs nearby and what is worse is that DH's parents never call or visit either. We are just "left".

We are worn out and our relationship and work is really suffering.

changedtoday · 01/02/2014 09:15

Coming to this a bit late, but you just cope. Our families are 500 miles in opposite directions...

I have taken a cut in hours (and pay) when DDs started school To work 9to3. Holidays we take turns our holiday club at times. Emergencies we take leave if possible, I have a flexible job and understanding boss. Have to add my kids managed 100%attendance at school last year so sickness has not featured. Dentist and parent consultations etc I can frequently fit round my hours. DH can at times be flexible when things crop up, but not as much as me. Plus over timetime friendships with other kids/mums helps at times of emergency.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/02/2014 09:16

We have to use playschemes and take days off amd unpaid days when DD is off sick. It is hard.

addictedtosugar · 01/02/2014 09:18

You find a way to deal with it. You have to.
And I have some GP support - for example, Mum has said when the kids get chicken pox, or something else which will involve weeks of needing to be at home (I can guarantee they will get it one after the other), she might be able to come up for some of it.
Dentist - either pay for childcare for other one, or they both come with you.
And yes, there is lots you just don't attempt. I'd love to go see my grandmother, who is very frail, but the thought of 2 kids in the car for 5 hrs, to go somewhere for an hr or so, where they will need to be quiet, and then another 5 hrs in the car doesn't appeal. Neither does doing all that on my own. So we will tie it in with a half term holiday, to the area she lives in.
Is hard work. teaching gets the holiday benefits, but not the term time reflexivity. Do you have a DH to do the other days tho? But teachers arn't the only ones who can't get days off at minimal notice - can you imaginable turning up to th dentist, sorry, they took today off at the last minute to go see the school play they got the letter for yesterday.

theborrower · 01/02/2014 09:20

littlemisssleepy I know, the advantage is that we can use them for the adhoc stuff, occasional night out without feeling as though we're taking the piss.

The real issue is the money - I'm jealous of friends who can afford childcare but don't pay it. Also, my parents always forget / just don't understand that we don't earn loads (and certainly a lot less than my childless siblings) and so nursery is a big expense. They have a lovely timeshare abroad that they go to every year with other members of my family, siblings included, and always go on about us coming/why don't you come etc, and I'm sick of saying "we can't afford it", even if we're just paying for flights, transfer flights, spending money etc and not the accommodation itself. It would still cost us about £1k which is too much. We've not had a holiday since before I was pregnant and DD is 3 and a half, and now that we're expecting DC2, I can't see us having a holiday ever again for a really long time.

scottishmummy · 01/02/2014 09:21

No family help.we have a routine and we purchase childcare
Meticulous planning and book summer club etc early
It's achievable but requires planning

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/02/2014 09:22

Not impressed by sending them in ill to "prepare them for the world of work" annie..just means ither kids get their bugs and make it hard for other working parents. .DD has had so many bugs this term from school. And yes I keep her off.

hels71 · 01/02/2014 09:23

I agree it's the things that crop up that make life hard when you have no extra support. I also work PT as a teacher, some days in DDs school. I have before and after school childcare in place and DH covers INSET days. However last week when DD was taken ill in school (Cold type thing not sickness) DH was 2 hours away at a meeting and I was working in her school. They would not let me leave to take her home so she ended up curled up in the book corner all afternoon. (Bit ironic really as they get very cross if they ring a parent to collect a child and they say they will be delayed!!)
Our plan for sickness is that we take it in turns wherever possible to care for her, but if DH is away when she is ill (he often works away for three or four days) I have to cover it all.
Luckily she is not ill very often, but there is currently some nasty bug going round that seems to be making everyone quite ill.......9 children off in one class alone last week.

annieorangutan · 01/02/2014 09:24

Fanjo - Its been at least 2 years since dd1 got sick at all. She went to nursery from a baby you get that all the way once their under 1.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/02/2014 09:25

Then surely if she is sick once in 2 years you can keep her off :)

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/02/2014 09:26

DD got sick loads until she was about 3 then was healthy until we got scarlet fever last year..knocked her for six.

missymayhemsmum · 01/02/2014 09:26

Pay for childcare, cultivate honorary grandparents, encourage reciprocal sleepovers and be very very nice to your friends

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