AIBU to wonder how working parents manage without extended family support?

[SatsumaSatsuma]

I supposedly have the ultimate family friendly job. I am a part -time teacher, so work term time only, 4 (part) days a week. I often finish early enough to pick up my 2dds from school.

However, despite the seemingly convenient nature of my job, I have depended on grandparents (during January only) to:
-collect dd1 from school once while I took dd1 to the orthodontist out of town
-look after dd1 while she was off sick for 1.5 days
-look after dd2 while she has INSET day
look after DD1 for 3 days at the start of term as her school (private) has holidays that differ from my state school term dates
-collect both dds while I rushed off to an emergency with another relative in hospital
-have dd's as usual on my staff meeting nights after school

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous amount of help to need, for 2 dc, when I work term time only, P/T?

AIBU to think that it would be unbelievably stressful trying to work without their support, to the point that it wouldn't even seem viable?

Got me thinking...How on earth do others manage to work, have DC without family support?

Until my children were 5 and 6 I was a lone parent in a different country to my family. Still a lone parent but returned to home country , parents then retired to live near us but kids are older now so less difficulties now.
I am impressed with peoples in depth plans ,I just bobbed and weaved around various situations with my fingers crossed,failing that bullshitted my way out.

A great childminder helped , also I developed a very thick skin about managers being snotty with me for missing a very rare day when my kids were sick. I always worked way beyond my hours , so if I missed 2 days a year tough.
There are very few real emergencies,I try and let it flow over me.

Kew you are a fortunate situation. I'm not friends with the parents of my ds's friends and they aren't willing to enter into an arrange such as yours. My ds is 7 and I'm very happy to have his friends for tea or (best) friends for sleepovers. It is difficult to get a reciprocal visit. They have made it clear they aren't interested.

My friends are either at work or in another city. Those that do have children, have lots of support. I'm lucky to have lots of lovely, kind and funny friends. They are unwilling or unable to fill the gap our families should. I don't have the opportunity or time to forge new friends at the school gate.

SirC I appreciate you get where I coming from. If people close to us could just acknowledge how difficult it is, I feel so much better. They don't want to talk about it. Possibly they feel uncomfortable we may ask for help or guilty that they have been so crap. I'm so proud of working hard and raising our boy. Our closest family members do not acknowledge our situation, maybe they don't understand, they never had it as difficult. It's a major achievement in my life which goes ignored.

I helped with neices and nephews and have a wonderful relationship with them. I did out because I love them and enjoyed their company. I was the last of my siblings to have children. My siblings are busy with their own families. Ds does not have a relationship with two of them. He can't even remember their names.

We didn't/don/t go out.
I didn't go to work.

People with extended families for childcare to even allow a night out, don't know how lucky they are.
It used to make me sad hearing a parent ranting about their own or ils doing something they didn't agree with when minding their children.
Sometimes I gritted teeth, other times I let them have it with both barrels.

Please respect what they do for you, even more so if it is free.

I've just read back my comments and it's clear I threw myself a pity party. Whilst I meant every word, I'm not usually as fed up and moany. Ds has been up ill for two nights and I'm so tired I can't see straight. DH taking over so I can nap before it all starts again at 6am. Sorry for the self indulgent takeover. and for all.

Will happily take the and simply because I'm fed up too and in need of a bit of sympathy, but honestly - no need to any apologise. This is the thread where all moans/complaints/observations/experiences/etc are welcome

I agree with youMarceline, about GP's should pitch in if they can. I have never got why this always becomes such a hot button issue on MN. And morethan, I know people are lucky to have GP's to help, but believe me, having relatives minding your kids is not always free-there is often some kind of price to pay, and it is quite hard when your Mum criticies your parenting, and you have to bite your tongue because she is picking up your dc from school! (And as I said upthead, she isn't now, and it is costing me more financially so I have seen both sides).

DS doesn't have any friends so no one will have him (except true emergencies, neighbours have been brilliant about that). Just one difficult child can really scupper things. Doesn't matter how easy it is to offload the others. You only need one to be an awkward sod.

I could probably fob the other DC off okay, but most likely the other adults wouldn't ask anything ever in return so it would feel like the most enormous imposition (no matter how often we invite & host, DC get very few invites back, too, maybe there's no culture of reciprocation locally). I think that I know at least one illegal CM arrangement, too.

Kew you are a fortunate situation. I'm not friends with the parents of my ds's friends and they aren't willing to enter into an arrange such as yours. My ds is 7 and I'm very happy to have his friends for tea or (best) friends for sleepovers. It is difficult to get a reciprocal visit. They have made it clear they aren't interested.

Thats really mean. I can't say I'm "friends" with pother parents - maybe "friendly" is a better description but if in a spot I ring one of them and say "I'm desparate for someone to pick DS up from school on Friday, could I prevail upon you?" they will inevitably say "oh yes no problem". Its no different to a playdate - I probably only ask each (of two parents who are reliable) maybe once every couple of months so its not exactly an arrangement. But I do invite their DS's back and give lifts to parties (they have ore than one so taxi-ing to/from parties can be a bit of a chore).

It's ot an arrangement as such.

Luckily we also have an after school club I can resort to if necessary.

I wonder if those grandparents that don't help out perhaps have never been in the position of needing help with Childcare themselves? It's really not until you are in the position of being a working parent of school aged children and realise that actually after school clubs may exist but you probably won't get a place, all the childminders have waiting lists, all your dc's friends' parents work too so no reciprocal arrangements possible etc etc that you fully appreciate what a difficult position some parents are in.

OP it sounds like you have had an unusually busy month and sometimes it happens like this. It sounds like you mostly mange ok and don't always call on grandparents only in emergencies. If they are willing and you are in a bind then I don't see the problem.
The only family I have nearby is my MIL but to save favours for school holidays and ask friends to help with school pick ups if I'm stuck. It works both ways as I return the favour should they ever be in the same position.

SirChen I've had a disco nap and feel so much better (capricious, moi?). You have my sympathetic ear and some .

Kew, it is mean but there is nothing I can do. If only my ds was friends with the parents I like.

I think having GPs help can come at a hefty price. My friend's mum looks after her two boys but will only do so to cover work. She overindulges them in a way that would drive me nuts. Spoiling is OK in small doses but not x days per week. I know my friend gets anxious about asking for anything over what has been agreed. Requests for babysitting are very tricky if not impossible. She doesn't say anything because it would rock the boat too much and she would lose support for childcare. It has had a negative impact on their relationship, which is a shame.

I gave up work and became a childminder when I had my own children (now 12 & 15) precisely because of the complexities of our jobs and no family help.

As a childminder I am as flexible as I can be for the parents who use me. I do late nights/early mornings, inset days, holiday care, babysitting, take children to doctor or dentist appointments. I will take children who are "under the weather" and need a pj day, and have a 24 hours sickness policy so that the parents only need to take one day off. I do these things precisely because I know how hard it is to cover everything when working as well.

You sound just like my childminder nokid but then I moved to a different town so childcare has become a lot more difficult. Holidays are easier because DD3 can go to the childminder, it just means quite a lot of driving.

I try to work in school hours but I've had to rely on breakfast club, after school club and after school activities quite a lot. In January the after school club closed and a lot of the after school activities were cancelled There is only one childminder who does DD3's school but I wouldn't use her and there are no other childcare options. I'm a lone parent with no family and there would be no point in asking my ex to help out.

Last Friday I had to travel to head office so DD1 (17) walked DD3 (7) to the breakfast club (doesn't open until 7.45am so I couldn't take her) and then she walked back to get her college bus. I was an hour into a 2 hour train journey when DD2 (13) phoned to say she was ill so she stayed home and just had to cope. Usually I like to see how ill the older DC are before leaving them home alone. Then after school I relied on a friend to collect DD3 and I had DD1 on standby to pick her up when she finished college just in case I hadn't got back by then. There are a few of us parents at school who swap our DC around to cover childcare. Without doing that we'd all be really stuck!

I work fewer hours than I would like because of childcare issues but then I have to rely on tax credits to top up my income, which I'm not comfortable with.

DS is feeling better but won't be back in school tomorrow and Tuesday. Dh had his first day off for himself in two years planned to watch the Superbowl. I'll need to ask to work from home or for the day off on Tuesday and I'm not looking forward to that. I'll need to work 7-7 tomorrow after three nights of hardly any sleep. Dh has booked a night away for us in a hotel in a few weeks and my friend is having ds overnight. First time since Ds s born and I can wait. Just need to keep everything crossed that lurgey is cured and stays away.

Brandnewllgi - the inset days at our school are extra. Soz but they are. You might not believe me but there you go. And as for you not being able to do things during term time cos you're a teacher... Er, neither can we as we spend all our leave covering school holidays.

You can argue the toss all you like, it doesn't make the problem go away. The fact is, we have an education system designed around a post-war family life that now doesn't exist: ie, mum at home, dad at work.

It is beyond broken, and until both politicians and teaching unions accept that - and consider the needs of children and their families - we'll all go on leading horrible, difficult, stressed out lives, trying and often failing to do the best for our families.

Birds, the point is that, if you add up the total number of 'non teaching days' in the calendar, this has not changed pre and post the creation of INSET days.

I agree that they are not always 'continuous with' school holidays, and even if they are they are often on e.g. a Monday. However, on the other hand, school terms now often end on e.g. Tuesdays or Wednesdays to compensate for these days taken out of term time at other points (e.g. my summer term ends on a Wednesday this year) whereas they might peviously hav ended on a Friday. The point is that the total number of 'non teaching days' has not changed, thougINSET days 'feel' different because they are 'free floating' rather than part of 'solid blocks of holiday' (and because schools set them independently. This year, only 1 INSET day overlaps between my school and my DD's school, and none with my DS's school - so I have 4 days when my DD is not in school but DS and I are, and 5 days when my DS is not at school neither DD or I are at home).

What is it that you would like the teaching unions, in particular, to do (bearing in mind that the majority of their members are probably also parents with children) to make family life better?

I do feel, btw, that there is a potential role for more flexible CHILDCARE (not extra school hiours) based in school buildings.

It also ought to be possible for schools to organise this themselves without it being registered and inspected by Ofsted as part of the school (which is why so many are currently run by 3rd party providers / parent ciommittees and are often small and relatively unstable as a result). Failing Ofsted as a school because the after schoool club serves too many biscuits or is more 'home from home' and less 'educational' would be ludicrous but is the current risk...

Hopwever, I do not think that there is a role for teachers to be manning, or expected to man, such childcare.

Home from home sounds ideal to me. My ds is very unhappy going before school care but loves the after school club as a play with his friends.

I accept the inset days are part of non teaching days. I will not accept last minute notice. They must be part of the academic year and set in advance.

My ds's wrap around care charges and provides before and after school care on inset days. Not the school say itself though.

I've spent about £40,000 on childcare.

Affordable, home from home childcare on school premises in school holiday (not provided for by teachers) = teacher for prime minister.

This one of the reasons i haven't gone back to work full time although we need the money. dd2 is healthy and hardly ill but dd1(11) has chronic asthma and frequently gets wiped out by minor colds. My dad+stepmum help out when they can but my stepmum is not in the best of health and is a carer in turn for her 93 year old mother so I don't like to put on the too much and certainly don't want her catching whatever dd1 has.

I was supposed to be helping a trip for dd2 today, but guess what quarter to seven dd1 comes in "I don't feel well", running a temp, wheezing, coughing, sore throat so I'm stuck at home with her curled up on the couch looking v. pale ans I'm just hoping we don't end up at drs(just finished a course of steroids)

Maybe David Cameron could share his advice with us on this? Especially as we are all supposed to be contributing to the big society too, and surviving on no sleep.

I find the question a bit patronising but fully accept this is because my sister told me she felt sorry for me last night as I have one DS AND AM thinking of having another one.

Actually, I would like to see any politician (the same ones from both sides of the House who are planning to their the massive pay rise that's been awarded to them) share their advice with us. Don't forget it was Gordon Brown who tried to take away employers childcare vouchers - these have been a godsend over the years to hundreds of thousands of families across the UK. That was such a worrying time - fortunately he bowed to public pressure, but you wonder what on earth was going through his mind....

I've had it. Ds is still Ill. My boss has agreed I can work a short day from home. Patience is not going to last as long as the bug is. Fingers crossed for a quick recovery tomorrow.

Yes, I wish school-based after school care was not so regulated too. All I would like is someone there to keep an eye on the kids running round the playground and referree any arguments over the wii games. I don't give a shit if there is no educational slant or there are bags of crisps on offer. A few kindly granny types who have maybe run toddler groups or been dinner ladies at school is surely all that's needed.