AIBU to wonder how working parents manage without extended family support?

[SatsumaSatsuma]

I supposedly have the ultimate family friendly job. I am a part -time teacher, so work term time only, 4 (part) days a week. I often finish early enough to pick up my 2dds from school.

However, despite the seemingly convenient nature of my job, I have depended on grandparents (during January only) to:
-collect dd1 from school once while I took dd1 to the orthodontist out of town
-look after dd1 while she was off sick for 1.5 days
-look after dd2 while she has INSET day
look after DD1 for 3 days at the start of term as her school (private) has holidays that differ from my state school term dates
-collect both dds while I rushed off to an emergency with another relative in hospital
-have dd's as usual on my staff meeting nights after school

AIBU to think this is a ridiculous amount of help to need, for 2 dc, when I work term time only, P/T?

AIBU to think that it would be unbelievably stressful trying to work without their support, to the point that it wouldn't even seem viable?

Got me thinking...How on earth do others manage to work, have DC without family support?

Most teachers are working parents too.
But let's just fight amongst ourselves instead of looking for more affordable, available childcare sources. This is not in the power of a teacher to provide! Does anyone have any proposals, other than perhaps adopting a local granny to stand in for family in other countries?!

I wish I had realised how impossible this is before I had kids; with no family support I definitely would have stopped at 2 or maybe even just 1. I was so freakin' naive.

We are lucky that I work only 3 days & very flex-time, although I try hard to never "work at home" (I can't do it, too distracted!) DH works super-FT (> 40 hrs/week) but can do it with chaos all around him so he can be an almost FT house-parent too.

DS was fine as a babe/tot/preschool but turned into a very difficult child, gets kicked out of clubs/activities, excluded from school when only 6yo, so I can't imagine him lasting even more than a few hours in an after-school club.

Lijkk, that sounds very hard. Hopefully things get easier as they get older. And that you helpful support re your ds too.

Thanks BNI. I think the teenage yrs are going to be hell with DS, tbh. WRT childcare, He's okay on his own at the moment. It's other people & computer games he can't cope with, so siblings are part of the childcare problem.

As a single parent with primary aged child I'm lucky that I work for myself and that my retired mother is local. However her health is patchy and sometimes I really can't work in the evening I have to go and see a client.

Thats when you rely on friends with DC's of same age - they are a life saver. Its not a big problem - you just return the favour and have them over to play in return - you're hardly selling your soul!

Also I think when you are a single parent with little support, you expect your children to step up to the plate a little more. I wouldn't hesitate to take DS to hospital with me (both to my own appts and visiting others) - if it isn't appropriate for him to come in with me then he will sit in the dayroom and read or play on his ipod.

Ipod's/tablets are handy.

But in essence, whatever your position if you have to work and have children you need to juggle. The more you juggle the better you tend to get at it IMO.

Inset days give me the absolute rage. Three days notice for the last one which is totally unacceptable. Our LA released dates for two academic years. Inset days should be built into the School calendar and released in Sept as a minimum. Even if training is in house, it must take longer to prepare than three fecking days.

I fell very unsupported by my ds's School. There simply seems to be a complete lack of understanding that both parents may work and that there may be no alternative support. Ds's parents evening letter informed us that (as usual) a list will go up on the classroom door for three days and after which it would be closed and taken down. Ds goes to before and after School.club and I don't have a chance to go to School. Last parent's evening I sent a letter in asking for an appointment. The teacher was totally unprepared on the night as she didn't know I was going . I don't know the other parents, I've asked my ds to note a time and will send another letter in.

They also keep asking me to nominate someone other than DH and I as an emergency contact. They have asked me to find another parent or childminder. I can't.

Actually at 9 and 11 I would expect them to be able to go off to hospital cafeteria on their own and quite enjoy it. And I agree that 11 is a difficult age and I wouldn't leave a sick 11 year old on their own all day but I would expect them to maybe be alone for part of the day - I don;t know if its possible in the case of a sick child for you to go home at lunchtime by agreement? And presumably you can arrange to home immediately after shcool as a one off?

I'm they only gave you three days notice of inset days!!!

We get about 90% of ours in July for the following academic years with maybe one or two to be confirmed which are generally confirmed well in advance.

It IS a big problem to find people in a similar position. I don't know anyone else that doesn't have any support. There is an assumption that friends can take the place that family used to fill. My ds's friends parents don't need my help and a mutual arrangement is not possible. Some parents that have regular support with school runs and sleepovers just cannot understand our position.

It is deeply hurtful to me that my ds's GPS don't want to be involved. My family is my dh, ds and me and we have a happy life despite a lack of support and interest. Both sets of our parents are relatively young, had huge amounts of support, stay at home mums and are retired. I go against the MN view and think they should help or attend a nativity/sports day.

Haven't read whole thread but have to also moan about inset days. BNI If they were part of the holidays it would be a whole lot easier because all schools would have them at the same time and things like holiday clubs would be open. With two DCs at different schools and no inset day overlap we are having to take double the amount of holiday/ pay double the amount of childcare to cover them (we use a childminder).

Otherwise I do agree with the OP. We have no family help and when DCs were young managed with a nanny which used up all of my salary so the marginal benefit of me going to work was nil (in fact sometimes we were worse off by me going to work than not). Now its easier as DCs are older but still often stressful. There were days when they were younger that I wondered whether it was worth working but have realised now that I wouldn't have been able to get the job I have if I'd had 7 years off work.

My worse case scenario is daisy chaining sick bugs that require 48 hours each off school followed by me getting it and because I work in NHS another 48 hours off. DH is helpful but the nature of his job precludes him taking time off at short notice so I'm the one juggling.

Kew there are still 2 more to go this year. I suspect they will be tagged onto a school holiday but I don't know when. I have the first two weeks of the summer holidays and then nothing planned for childcare. DH has had his term time working rescinded. He has asked for unpaid leave but has been told it is unlikely this will be approved.

Marceline, that's terrible. For mny own and my DC's schools, we have Inset days released at the end of the previous summer term, or very occasionally at the beginning of the Autumn term.

In my last school, we did have a big 'cluster' INSET day which was sometimes not anniounced in Sept simply because of the need to book speakers, co-ordinate 8 schools etc. However, we gave at least half a term's notice, usually closer to half a year's notice. 3 days would give me the rage too (as a teacher and a working parent!)

Many of my closest friends don't have children, so if I get them to help me I can't return the favour - offers of help are thin on the ground tbf. It can be hard to break into mummy groups at school who seem to all know each other from before.

Its not a big problem - you just return the favour and have them over to play in return - you're hardly selling your soul!

The problem here is that all of my friends have family close by, so they don't have to rely on friends. I feel as if I'm the one always asking for favours that I can't return (or I can, it's just that they tend to ask Granny).

Marcel - I'm with you. I honestly think that Grandparents and Aunts/Uncles should help if they are able to. Unfortunately, ours don't either. I genuinely don't get it - if I didn't work, was young (in my early fifties), was fit and healthy, didn't have children of my own, and had a large disposable income then I would regularly have my neice and nephews to stay, or would be up visiting (yes, that's you I'm talking about SIL). Even if I wasn't all that, I can't imagine not wanting to see my grandchildren or neice/nephew

I could tell you our inset days for the next three years, I think it is really shoddy for any council/school to make you wait till the term itself before announcing them.

agnes, INSET days are tricky to always tag onto holiays. To be really valuable in terms of improving your child's education (and what's the point if they're not?) they often involve outside speakers / trainers - and understandably they can't always be booked at the beginning or end of an already designated holoday (otherwise they'd work for 12 days per year and not at all for the rest of the time!).

So if yiour school sometimes puts a training day in the middle of school term, it may well be that they have a good, highly popular, wekll-regarded external trainer in - and though it is a pain, that is the type of INSET day that usually has the most iompact on your child's education in school.

That's shocking about the inset days - ours are announced at the start of the academic year, so plenty of time to arrange childcare. Being given 3 days notice is totally unacceptable.

However, I am completely against schools being used as polling stations - we have this every time there is an election with one of my DCs schools, despite there being another polling station in the village hall which is about 5-10 minutes walk away. Drives me insane.

My ds's friends parents don't need my help

Well no my friends don't need my help either but they are generally happy to have DS is the need arises and I will have their DS in return occasionally - not because they need me to but because the boys enjoy it.

DS too young to do sleep overs with anyone except my mum so if its necessary and she can't do it then I say "no".

I must say in my region we book speakers around the days rather than the other way around. Easier to book people when dates known so far in advance. I find it odd that there is so little alternative care on inset days, I never see adverts for clubs or anything to cover them. Again, most people must be using the granny army or the sah friend I guess. No-one has ever approached me about minding their child when I'm off, so it makes it harder to ask them.

You have been very lucky, OP, not only to have supportive parents nearby but also to have such very good health in your family.

My dd had ongoing health issues which meant that she was off school almost once a week for many years, that she would end up in hospital at least once a term (often more frequently) and would need regular health care appointments. When her younger brother was diagnosed with the same it nearly broke me. My family live abroad and dh's parents were too old and too far away to help.

I suppose the answer is- we haven't managed terribly well. My career is shot to pieces and I haven't worked more than part time since dd was born. Dh has had to take large amounts of unpaid leave. We are not high earners, so we have just had to try to spend less. Also, dd's illness has cost us.

Fortunately both children are now old enough to be left alone.

It is a well known fact that families with a disabled or chronically ill child are on average considerably poorer than families with healthy children.

at times I have had to resort to such desperate measures as bringing dd up to work in a taxi and having her laid out at my feet (because she was in too much pain to sit upright) in the lecture hall whilst I have delivered my lectures

Brand New - DD's primary After School Club (on school premises) opens all day for Inset days - but I realise that we are lucky.

I hear you, larkthatcouldpray. Things seem to be getting worse. No community, families broken up for travelling to work, what are you supposed to do. Some job combinations don't work, simple as that. I don't really know how anyone can have both parents full time with kids and no family support.

And those that technically do aren't great - that poor couple recently fined for taking a holiday where mum worked during day and dad all night. Good solution - never see each other. Even normal after school clubs can lead to that a bit. What's the point of having kids if you never get to see them?

Then we wonder why there's a problem with feral kids in Britain. Wish there was 1 politician left who understood how hard it is nowadays.

I haven't read the whole thread but people with family locally definitely underestimate how lucky they are! I have to listen to SIL moan about how her parents (DH's parents) never help them out, even though every time I speak to MIL she seems to have one or more of their 4 DCs in her house because SIL is at the hairdresser etc

We will have lived in 4 cities by the time DD is 3; so no real chance to build up non-family support networks; and are TTC DC2 NOW! so that hopefully one of my maternity leaves will coincide with having some family support around! It is not impossible to manage with no family around if you have a good network of friends and acquaintances, but doing it with neither is really really tough.

And my career is down the pan too but what can you do

Sleeppleasesleep - Its rare for the choldren of 2 full timers to be feral. Thats more the case for workless households in rl.