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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel terrible. DD will be going to Nursery

161 replies

PeriodFeatures · 30/01/2014 22:14

at 6 months old. DH isn't happy I know, but we have made unchangeable lifestyle choices and have financial responsibilities which basically mean that I will have to go to work.

I feel fucking shit. It will be 18.5 hours a week and is an exceptionally good nursery so no worries there.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 22:17

What do you mean "DH isn't happy"?

Your decision to work is nothing to do with him.

endlesstidying · 30/01/2014 22:17

Lots of tiny babies at DSs nursery. The staff have high ratios. There are lots of cuddles, colour and love. Please dont worry she will be fine

WidowWadman · 30/01/2014 22:18

If it's a good nursery you've got nothing to feel shit about.

WilsonFrickett · 30/01/2014 22:19

My DS was in 3 days a week from 6 months. It was fine and entirely a positive choice for him, me, us.

If you are returning to work for unavoidable financial reasons I can understand that doesn't feel like its a positive choice to make, but honestly, DS will be fine.

Give yourself a day to wallow in it, pick yourself up and crack on. Many children are in ft care because their parents have to earn the roof that's over their head - you are only talking about 3 days a week

Also DH isn't happy? So is he planning to drop a day himself, or take compressed hours, or basically is sorting out childcare your job?

LindyHemming · 30/01/2014 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkandwhite · 30/01/2014 22:21

18.5 hours a week is not a lot at all. If its a good nursery then your dd will be absolutely fine. What is it that your DH isn't happy about?

DrCoconut · 30/01/2014 22:26

My DS2 started nursery at 6m. He's now nearly 3 and thriving. It has been such a positive thing for him and brought him on no end. He gets to frequently do things we couldn't do at home - real messy play, sports equipment, group music making etc. the key thing is that you are truly happy with the nursery you have chosen. We were/are. It didn't make it easy to leave him but at least I wasn't worrying about his well being, we both got used to it eventually. In my case though DH was on side, in fact keener than me. The fact that your DH is not is a concern.

WeddingComingUp · 30/01/2014 22:33

*What do you mean "DH isn't happy"?

Your decision to work is nothing to do with him.*

I completely disagree with this.
When we had ds1, right from the start we decided that I would take a year off. DH dropping hours/taking time off was never an option as he is the higher earner.

Had I decided after 6 months that I was going back to work he would have been pissed off as that's not what we'd agreed.

A family/partnership discusses things and makes decisions together. I hate all this 'your life, your decision' crap. I would never make a big decision without discussing with DH and would be furious if he did without talking to me.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 22:36

Had I decided after 6 months that I was going back to work he would have been pissed off as that's not what we'd agreed.

Well if you think it's acceptable for one adult to stop another adult working, then I feel really, really sorry for you.

WeddingComingUp · 30/01/2014 22:37

And if you think it's a normal, healthy relationship when partners make huge life decisions without consulting the other, you have my pity in return.

zoezebraspartydress · 30/01/2014 22:43

I think it's a family decision to be made jointly too, as are all decisions involving the way the children are brought up. What does your dh propose you do instead to meet your financial responsibilities? Does he have another solution?

YANBU to feel awful, I would too, and my babies were breastfeeding too much to be left at 6 months even for a couple of hours and wouldn't take bottles. But baby will not suffer, it will be harder for you than for them. It sounds like you've found a nursery you feel comfortable with, and 18 hours is ok, you will still be baby's main caregiver. I know it's hard, but I have friends who have had no choice but to go back to work early, and their babies are healthy, happy, and they are excellent mums.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 22:45

Look, I'm not the one who has to run huge, life-changing decision about MY life past my husband.

Because I'm married to a man who recognises me as a human being with my own agency and a right to change my mind.

I mean I can see that you like to boast about how your husband basically owns you and don't get to make your own decisions now that you're married.

Enjoy your life "consulting" him about everything you want to do.

You aren't even allowed to work without his permission.

How very "healthy".

RhondaJean · 30/01/2014 22:46

My dd went to nursery from 6 months. I also spent a lot of time engaging with her when I wasn't working. There is no problem with this and nothing to feel guilty about.

Why isn't your DH happy? Is he feeling guilty because he has to work too when she's in nursery, or is he not happy because you're not being mummy martyr all the time ???

Popsandpip · 30/01/2014 22:46

My daughter was in nursery for 18 hours a week from 4 months. Like you, I did it for financial reasons but we both thrived.

Of course I missed her terribly but there was something great about living in an adult only world and being more independent for just a few hours per week. From her perspective, she socialised, was looked after by a few other people so became accustomed to not relying on me or my DH for everything and had more attention than she would've had at home (if I needed to do chores rather than watching her the whole time). I think it's easier for younger children to get used to the environment. Every time friends with older children have them start nursery they endured weeks if tears and misery.

It's not what I would've planned but in hindsight I couldn't have got the balance any better for both of us. Please, please, please don't feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

If I'm lucky enough to gave a second child, I'd do the same again. My DD is in nursery now for 3 days per week, is 21 months old and I struggle to get her to leave! She has a great time, has access to loads of toys, learning and stimulation that she simply wouldn't have at home. She's happy, well adjusted and very loving towards her dad and me. I couldn't ask for more.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 22:47

Whether a woman chooses to work is not a "family" decision.

Giving up work and having someone else support your financially requires agreement.

But seriously, I can't believe people actually think that men should get a say in whether their wives are allowed to work.

Fucking, fucking hell.

JasonOgg · 30/01/2014 22:49

My DD was with a childminder at 5.5months old. It was 5 days a week from 7:30am to 6pm. I hated it but it was made very clear by me (now ex!) DH that he wouldnt stay if I didn't. twat Apparently he had married a "professional" woman and didn't see why that should change.
BUT the one thing that kept me sane was the fact that the care she got was excellent. While I might have been unhappy, my DD wasn't, and she was the priority. Sometimes we have to do things we would rather not. If your DD is well cared for, it WILL be fine.
The fucking arse went and left us anyway when DD was 2 for a non professional ex girlfriend. Charming.

MrsBW · 30/01/2014 22:49

Why assume DH isn't happy with the OP going back to work? Confused

Perhaps DH isn't happy that their circumstances mean he has to work and can't stay at home.

RhondaJean · 30/01/2014 22:50

In what world is returning to work with suitable Childcare in place, in a scenario where it is affordable, a huge life changing decision???

Mrswellyboot · 30/01/2014 22:50

I am due to go back to work when our baby is five and a half months. Luckily I can take a month unpaid but will go back. I don't feel any guilt though and I work full time.

Try not to feel guilty. It's hard but you have to provide for your children financially too, that's the way I'm looking at it.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 22:50

Yeah, let's just see, shall we.

JapaneseMargaret · 30/01/2014 22:50

I think we need to understand a little better why your DH is 'not happy about it', in order to best counsel you, PeriodFeatures.

Because at the moment, I'm inclined to think the worst of him, and that's perhaps not fair.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 22:51

In what world is returning to work with suitable Childcare in place, in a scenario where it is affordable, a huge life changing decision???

In a world where not going back because your husband wants you at home means you end up five years later with no ability to support yourself when he has his first affair (that you find out about).

Goldmandra · 30/01/2014 22:53

DH isn't happy I know

It is OK for a father to feel unhappy that his six month old baby has to go to a nursery just as it is OK for a mother to feel that. It doesn't mean he's some sort of control freak. It means that he doesn't feel the same now as he did when decisions were made that meant the OP would have to return to work at six months.

Many people plan to return to work and then change their minds. Why is she allowed to feel shit about it but he isn't?

MrsBW · 30/01/2014 22:53

Deary me.

HSMMaCM · 30/01/2014 22:56

It is much easier for children to settle at 6 months than a year. It is normal for them and not traumatic at all in a good setting.