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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel terrible. DD will be going to Nursery

161 replies

PeriodFeatures · 30/01/2014 22:14

at 6 months old. DH isn't happy I know, but we have made unchangeable lifestyle choices and have financial responsibilities which basically mean that I will have to go to work.

I feel fucking shit. It will be 18.5 hours a week and is an exceptionally good nursery so no worries there.

OP posts:
youbethemummylion · 01/02/2014 08:15

Both mine went from 6months 5 days a week 8:30 to 5:30 they were absolutely fine and it was actually a really positive experience for them. They had so many more creative, artistic,physical, cultural, social experiences than they would have had at home with me also when they started school nursery they werent at all phased by following rules, interacting with adults they didnt know etc. Nursery is not the last choice dumping ground a lot of people would have you think.

Only1scoop · 01/02/2014 08:26

Good luck with your return to work and your dd nursery.
My dd went to nursery twice a week from 9 months, not a necessity to cover our work as we both work strange hours.
She has always adored it....and maybe I'm strange but guilt never came into it.
Good luck.

brettgirl2 · 01/02/2014 08:31

I'm just Hmm as usual about the 'husband=high earner can't do drop offs' shite. In the majority of cases (other than someone working miles away which is irrelevant of earnings) this is just utter nonsense. I was talking to a bloke at work last week who probably earns about 60k. He was Blush with me about his wife doing all the pickups there is no reason why he can't do some at all. Flexible working applies to everyone and definitely at the company I work for. The blokes who believe in equality/ can be arsed share the load.

yanbu in any way op. You have a right to some financial independence and some people do feel guilty. Personally I didn't but that's just me.

brettgirl2 · 01/02/2014 08:34

And I couldn't agree more join. Reading some of these threads shows me we seriously have a way to go to reach equality.

Nerfmother · 01/02/2014 08:36

Well, with regard to the making decisions re work and not having to ask - I'm pissed off that dh has exercised his right to make a choice without my permission and now has a job where he regularly stays away. But, you know, it's his life. Confused

brettgirl2 · 01/02/2014 08:40

So nerfmother how would he have reacted if that had been the other way round?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 01/02/2014 08:41

I'm pissed off that dh has exercised his right to make a choice without my permission and now has a job where he regularly stays away.

But that's not the same.

He took a job that relied on you providing childcare for days on end.

You two share a 24/7/362 responsibility, so neither should impose on the other without getting agreement.

But choosing to go back to work and leave your children in day care has no impact on a spouse. Everyone has a right to do that without permission being granted.

Everyone.

And being upset that your knicks won't get washed for you doesn't count as "being affected".

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 01/02/2014 08:45

My two both went to nursery from 9 months, got a great deal out of it and were happy. Now they are 10 and 8 they have barely any recollection of it.

WeAreDetective · 01/02/2014 08:58

I also think it's a family decision.

I work full time and have done since returning from maternity leave for my second child. My husband is a stay at home dad. This arrangement suited us best for a range of reasons.

If my DH wanted to return to work, I would totally respect that as his right but I would also expect a conversation about it because it would impact on our family set up.

I would also expect to have some feelings as to any change in our current set up. His return to work would have negative and positive impacts on me and on the kids... So I would have an emotional response to that.

I don't see how this would be different if our roles were reversed.

brettgirl2 · 01/02/2014 09:02

But if you respect his right to return to work then surely it is ultimately his decision? Of course yes you would have to talk about the impacts/ practicalities as a family but that is a different stage , its not asking 'permission' or 'not being happy' about it.

JRmumma · 01/02/2014 09:04

Join how fo you know OP going back to work will have no impact on her DH? That is just another thing you have assumed, just as how you have assumed that he is trying to stop her from working.

Her job may be a 2hr commute away which means that he had to do all drop offs and pick ups, which in turn may mean he has to give up other things such as a hobby, while OP gets to carry on with hers unaffected. He may have carer responsibilities for an elderly parent that he now has to neglect in order to facilitate OP going back to work.

Do you really think that its not a joint decision in any respect? But if he wants to change jobs it is?

brettgirl2 · 01/02/2014 09:11

We don't jr. If I were a betting woman my money would be on the op intending to do them all. I'll give you 10-1 against the '2 hours new age man doing all the child related tasks' scenario.

queenofthemountains · 01/02/2014 09:13

Why is it all her income is being spent on childcare? This really annoys me, they both had a child, surely childcare is a joint expense.

WeAreDetective · 01/02/2014 09:17

I think that's what I said, Brett.

However, actually, I would have an opinion/emotional response as well.

I don't see where the op said she had to ask for permission. Only that DH was not happy. I can see why he might have that response but it doesn't mean he is saying she can/cannot work.

Goldmandra · 01/02/2014 09:17

It's just a shorthand way of saying that the increase in household income as a result of her returning to work will be cancelled out by childcare costs.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 01/02/2014 09:25

Having to do more housework and be more of a parent in the mornings isn't a good enough reason to stop another adult working.

Sorry.

"Her job may be a 2hr commute away which means that he had to do all drop offs and pick ups, which in turn may mean he has to give up other things such as a hobby, while OP gets to carry on with hers unaffected."

Hmm

Yes, a woman should give up her livelihood so that a man can keep up the hobbies he enjoys.

Fucking hell.

Period - I'm glad you, at least, have the cop on to realise that you don't need to take on your husband's unhappiness about this.

If you feel sad about leaving your baby, then that is entirely reasonable.

But he had his chance to feel sad about that months ago. Now he's at work all day and is quite used to leaving her all day. His "unhappiness" at you working is not something to be feeling guilty about.

And neither is, for that matter, your need to go back to work. Or to leave her in childcare.

Be sad about it, find childcare you are happier with if you don't like the nursery, figure out a way not to work if you can do that.

But GUILT about earning money for your family is a pointless and wasted emotion.

chrome100 · 01/02/2014 09:31

I went to nursery from 6 months old to starting school and do you know what? I can't remember a day of it. All this agonising over the early years when in fact, most children have no recollection of whether you sacrificed yourself to stay at home or you went to work. Don't worry about it.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 01/02/2014 09:32

The OP has already said her DH will be doing the dropoffs and pickups.

Pendulum · 01/02/2014 09:51

Love your post, WilsonFrickett. And queenofthemountains I think that's such an important point, I have heard so many women say that after childcare they earn nothing so there is no point in going back to work. Even if it's true that the income is cancelled out (or worse) in the early childcare days it should not be viewed as an expense that purely comes out of the mother's wage, but as a deduction from the joint pot.

Even if it's just a notional point because all income/ expenditure comes from the same account, this has massively important significance. Because both partners need the childcare for their child.

SliceOfLime · 01/02/2014 09:58

brettgirl and JoinYourPlayfellows I have read the whole thread and I don't recall anyone saying "I couldn't go back to work unless my husband gave me permission." All people have said is that if one person wanted to start / stop work, change jobs incurring large change in salary, etc., they would discuss it as a couple, and make decisions together - the clear implication (to me at least) being that the decisions would be on how to manage going forwards as regards childcare, living costs etc. As far as I can see, you have thrown in this concept of needing permission to work but it hasn't ever been said by anyone else on this thread.

Catsize · 01/02/2014 10:36

OP, I have tried to see if you have explained what the unchangeable financial decisions are. If not, what are they? I am quite anti-nursery I am afraid, and most of those I know who send their kids are just paying for nursery and little else at the end of the month.

Sleepyfergus · 01/02/2014 10:37

Hear hear Slice. This thread got completely blown out of proportion. But then, I think some posters trawl MN looking for a fight that simply isn't there.

Panzee · 01/02/2014 10:44

You might just be paying for child care in the beginning, but in some professions you need to be there. Waiting till the children are at school may spell the end of your career.

AuntieStella · 01/02/2014 10:53

Gosh, I now see what sort of poster people mean on all those threads about how gratuitously unpleasant AIBU has become.

OP: I doubt a critique on hypotheses of communication in marriage is going to help you with the decision and emotions arising from that decision.

When I had my first, maternity leave was 18 weeks. Lots of us put very young babies into nurseries and everyone was fine.

In everything to do with child rearing and family life, you make it up as you go along. So many circumstances can change. A dogmatic approach is more likely to hurt you than help you. As nursery is the best option right now, do it for now. If you need to change it, make up a new plan later.

And for heaven's sake don't feel guilty about any of it.

RufusTheReindeer · 01/02/2014 11:01

Agree with slice, the thread just went off!!!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread