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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel terrible. DD will be going to Nursery

161 replies

PeriodFeatures · 30/01/2014 22:14

at 6 months old. DH isn't happy I know, but we have made unchangeable lifestyle choices and have financial responsibilities which basically mean that I will have to go to work.

I feel fucking shit. It will be 18.5 hours a week and is an exceptionally good nursery so no worries there.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/01/2014 22:56

Join steady on, we have no idea what the situation is with the OP.

And FWIW, I do think that if as a family you have agreed one thing, then one person shouldn't just alter that without some discussion. Really can't see why that is an issue.

WeddingComingUp · 30/01/2014 22:57

Ouch. Clearly touched a nerve there joinyourplayfellows.

You've inferred an awful lot about my relationship from one post.

DH and I have a say in what goes on in each others lives, especially when it affects the dc. We make decisions together, whether those decisions are about one of us individually, both of us, or the whole family.

If you don't have that sort of relationship then I can see why it must grate that others have. Still, that being said - don't take it out on me.

WeddingComingUp · 30/01/2014 22:59

In a world where not going back because your husband wants you at home means you end up five years later with no ability to support yourself when he has his first affair (that you find out about).

Dear me, aren't we bitter.

JassyRadlett · 30/01/2014 22:59

Ignore the hysterics. We don't know your situation and people are projecting.

My DS started at 9 months. From everything I've been told since, it would have been a lot easier on him (if not on me!) to have started at 6 or 7 months, before hideous separation anxiety sets in. If I had it to do again, I'd consider starting him earlier. And his nursery was utterly lovely, too, feels like family, they adore the children and he still refers to his key person from his 'first' room as 'my [hername]' whenever he speaks about her.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 22:59

It is OK for a father to feel unhappy that his six month old baby has to go to a nursery just as it is OK for a mother to feel that.

It's not OK to feel that if your solution to your unhappiness is that SOMEBODY ELSE has to stop working so that you can be happy.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 23:00

Dear me, aren't we bitter.

Nope.

Just terrified at the weird Stepfords on this thread and their pride in letting their husbands run their lives.

Babiecakes91 · 30/01/2014 23:02

My ds went to nursery at 1 year old but due to his autism that we didn't know about at the time we had to pull him out and I had to give up work due to no child care and lots of appointments he's currently in a council nursery 3 mornings a week. I would love to work again but can't see that happening for a few years as he's 3 in May, don't feel bad for working nursery has actually helped my son along in more ways than I could have imagined x

WeddingComingUp · 30/01/2014 23:04

Not everyone's husband is a controlling, cheating scumbag joinyourplayfellows. If yours is/was then I'm sorry.

But it doesn't mean everyone else's is...so stop projecting.

Goldmandra · 30/01/2014 23:04

It's not OK to feel that if your solution to your unhappiness is that SOMEBODY ELSE has to stop working so that you can be happy.

It is OK to feel whatever he feels.

Maybe he feels unhappy that he can't earn enough to support them all so the OP could stay at home if she wanted to which it's pretty clear that she does right now.

The OP hasn't said he is putting pressure on her to do anything.

Balistapus · 30/01/2014 23:07

I really feel for you OP. to me your post reads as though, if money were no object, you'd prefer to look after your child full time and so would your DH.

If it's a good nursery your child will be absolutely fine, but I sense it's more about you missing out on a special part of their life. Is there any way you can rearrange things financially so you don't have to go back to work yet?
I was planning on going back to work when my baby was 6 months, but now she's here I don't want to miss any of her baby months. My partner and I have agreed that even though things will be tight financially we're now going to continue with me at home for at least another 6 months.

dreamingbohemian · 30/01/2014 23:08

OP try to remember that not that long ago, maternity leave was only 3 months

It's still only 3 months in France, you're lucky to get 6 weeks in the US

Millions of babies around the world go to nursery at a young age and it's fine. Please don't feel guilty.

Bedsheets4knickers · 30/01/2014 23:08

Whatever age they go nursery, you'll feel guilt .

GlassOfPort · 30/01/2014 23:10

My DS (now 3 and a half) has been in nursery since he was five months old. He has thrived there: he has learnt to socialize with other children, but also to be independent. He paints, plays football, has access to more stories and toys that we could ever store at home. Most importantly he has forged great bonds with the other children: he and his friends have learnt to walk and talk together. They have learnt to count and sing and hold a pen together. They are like brothers now.

If your DD is a sociable child and the nursery is a good one, she will love it.

LEtranger · 30/01/2014 23:18

I'm having a baby later in the year and will probably stay off for 5/6 months before going back to work with DC needing to be in nursery probably 4 days a week. I have absolutely no intention of feeling guilty - I love my work, and kids love company.

In an ideal world I would stay off for a good few months longer, but the reality is my career couldn't take a longer break and we need it financially as a family and I need it for my sanity and sense of self!! DH would probably like DC not to go to nursery so young, but he knows he doesn't get to feel unhappy about it because he has no intention of taking months out of work himself (which given the nature of his work, he actually could)!

And weddingcomingup your scoffing is really unpleasant - women being kept at home looking after the children "for the family" while their husband carries on with their lives exactly as before is one of the oldest methods in the book of subjugating women...

BigWellyLittleWelly · 30/01/2014 23:18

My dd1 started nursery at 6months and dd2 started at seven months. It is tough leaving them however at 3.6 dd1 absolutely loves it, she is happy and secure and for her at least it was possibly the best parenting decision I've made. She has friends that she wss in baby room with and all the staff look out for her.

Jury is still out on dd2, she is finding it difficult and I am looking into a childminder option or even a live out nanny. If you aren't happy with the nursery you can investigate other options but o do value the few days a week I get to work.

Fishandjam · 30/01/2014 23:20

My DS went at 6 months, DD at 11 months (I was self employed when I had DS so just got MA - employed with DD so better maternity benefits). They both do well at nursery.

I am just about to up my working week from 3 days to 4, and feel no guilt whatsoever. Guess that in some people's eyes that makes me a bad mother, but it's the right decision for our family.

OP, if it's the right decision for your family, I don't think you should feel terrible. Good nurseries are not dens of iniquity where your DC will be neglected - quite the opposite.

hoppinghare · 30/01/2014 23:21

Of course her husband can be unhappy about his baby going to nursery at 6 months. She is unhappy about it. Is he not allowed to care about the baby just as much?

Goldmandra · 30/01/2014 23:24

women being kept at home looking after the children "for the family" while their husband carries on with their lives exactly as before is one of the oldest methods in the book of subjugating women...

Where does the OP say her DH is trying to keep her at home?

BackforGood · 30/01/2014 23:34

Yes, YABU to feel terrible that your dd is going to a great Nursery for just 18.5 hours a week, when she is 6months old. Can't see a problem with that myself - a lot of people would love to only need that much childcare.
Many people would have been delighted to have had 6months at home after the baby was born.

WilsonFrickett · 30/01/2014 23:35

I'm going to assume op is attending to a wakeful baby, rather than lighting the blue touchpaper and disappearing...

LEtranger · 30/01/2014 23:37

I was responding to WeddingComingUp s scathing response to Joinyourplayfellows - not addressing it to the op as I made clear by addressing it to WCU sigh...

WeddingComingUp · 30/01/2014 23:39

Unpleasant?

I am replying directly to the poster who is clearly wearing her best 'all men are monsters' hat.

There is absolutely no indication that the ops DH is controlling, subjugating, or anything else.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 23:42

the poster who is clearly wearing her best 'all men are monsters' hat.

I'm very clearly not wearing that hat at all.

I'm wearing a hat that says that men who think they get a say in whether their wife is allowed to work are monsters.

Even if their wives get a warm glow from being controlled in that way.

WingardiumLeveosaaa · 30/01/2014 23:42

I think it is a family decision. We make big decisions that impact our family together, it isn't a case of me doing what my DH wants me to do or him doing what I want him to do. Its about discussing what we think is going to be of most benefit to the family and then doing that. Sometimes that means one of us doing something we'd rather not (work different hours say) but we know its for the 'greater good'.

No idea what the background to the OP's DH being unhappy is, but in our marriage if we'd discussed all our options, agreed that a particular course of action was going to benefit the family most and then one of us backed out of that , the other would be disgruntled about it.

LEtranger · 30/01/2014 23:43

I give up, as I see she has!