to feel terrible. DD will be going to Nursery

[PeriodFeatures]

at 6 months old. DH isn't happy I know, but we have made unchangeable lifestyle choices and have financial responsibilities which basically mean that I will have to go to work.

I feel fucking shit. It will be 18.5 hours a week and is an exceptionally good nursery so no worries there.

Look on another bright side OP. I'm guessing, from the fact your DD will be in 18.5 hours week, that you have a part time job. I'm also guessing it pays well enough to help you both pay the nursery fees and meet the other financial commitments you have? If those guesses are right, then you have something that's rarer than rocking horse shit - a decent part time job.

Thank you so much for all your reassuring and interesting responses. Even though some are very off the mark, they are valid. I have not read one response which tells me DD will develop issues by being separated from me and DH!!

I don't know why but the dominant message I'm getting from the people around me is that it's a bit too young. 9 months or a year would be o.k. I thing DH and I both hoped we'd have that much time too. All the responses suggest peoples experience has been positive and if i'm honest, I know my DD will get so much from Nursery and is, in some ways ready for it.

Both DH and I are unhappy. I think reading responses has helped me realise that my personality leads me to take responsibility for DH's unhappiness at times and view it as oppressive me. (hence it probably came across that way in my original post) It absolutely isn't. He has always known I would go back to work and been fully supportive. He is actively encouraging me to continue with my career we both just wish it was for a bit longer. We are both enjoying our routine with DD and whilst on MA are comfortable. I think he is entitled to be disappointed as I am that we won't. For the first time in our lives we have a relaxed pace, I enjoy cooking, doing the lions share of the housework and nesting. I hoped we'd be able to continue with our current lifestyle a bit longer! I'm sure he's going to miss this too.

The majority of my income will be spent on childcare and expenses, we will be worse off. We do not have any debts and live comfortable (although fairly tightly) everything gets paid. It is going to be stressful juggling everyones day, if he could take a day off a week, he absolutely would but it's not possible at the moment. He will be dropping DD and picking her up though as it's on his route to work. I am hoping that I will be able to cycle and get rid of this fat!
I'd love to be a SAHM...but if I'm really honest i wouldn't like it for long!

I blame bloody attachment parenting people that I keep meeting for making me feel guilty!!

And to add to the feminist discussion and to chuck this into the mix..Is it o.k to actually want to stay at home and enjoy being a wife/mother/homemaker? I really really like this at the moment. Feminism has definitely emancipated us in some respects but perhaps it has also taken away the choice to do something as natural as want to stay at home and be a mother and wife? I'm sure going back to work is for economic reasons as much as it is for anything else.

If your DD will be in a good setting where she will have the stability and affection she needs to build a couple of really good attachment relationships she is not too young to be there.

Older children are better at coping in settings where the staffing is more fluid and they have to cope a bit more but I wouldn't say that is until about 2 or 3. the only significant difference at around the age of a year is that the separation anxiety stage is at its peak and makes settling in harder.

I'd rather take on a 6mth old than 12 mth old as a childminder but that's because I know the child will get lots of individual attention and affection so won't miss out on attachment relationships.

It is absolutely fine to organise your life however you want to organise it, as long as it is your choice.

Now, often people (women) go back to work and don't have any choice in the matter - maybe their DH insists on it, maybe they economically don't have a choice. That would be of concern to feminists.

Often people (women) go back to work but still keep on the lion's share of everything else as well - the cooking, cleaning, childcare beyond their working hours, the negotiating and communicating with childcare, the drs appts - while their DH's life continues pretty much on the same groove as it always has. That would be of concern to feminists.

Often people (women) go back to work and find that, even though they are back in the workplace, they never make up that 'gap' of maternity leave, their experience is downplayed, they are overlooked, they don't get access to the same opportunities 'because you won't want to travel because you have a wee one'. That again would be of concern to feminists.

Or that even people (men) would love to work part-time or more flexibly, but their employers look askance and say 'haven't you got a wife to deal with that nonsense' and refuse the request. That too would be of concern to feminists.

And finally, often people (women) do SAHP but are looked down upon for it, they're seen as wasting their education and opportunities, they become financially vulnerable and five years later they find it impossible to re-enter the workplace, because after all, who wants to employ someone with a mummy-mush brain? And yep, that too is of concern to feminists

You can honestly do what you like as far as feminism is concerned - as long as you are exercising your own right to choose and that society is not going to disadvantage you because of the choices you made.

(Although I'd be careful bracketing SAHP'ing as 'natural'. It's not what happens in many, many cultures and classes - working class women tended to work where I was from, for example and that was seen as 'natural'.)

Great post Wilson

Mine were both in childcare at less than 5 months.

They have become happy,confident, adaptable children who are very comfortable in different social settings.

I work because circumstances dictate that I need to.

I have never felt 'bad' about them being in childcare.

FFS why do people get so emotional? OP has not indicated that her DH's unhappiness is a massive factor. As someone else said up thread, he is allowed to be unhappy about the baby going to nursery, so long as it doesn't cross the line into trying to get her to stay home.

I have to echo newt and say great post, wilson

I don't understand periodfeatures

If you'll be worse off financially, why do you have to go back to work?

I loved Wilson's post.

The thread went weird in the middle but seems to be better now.

Everything all shakes down in the end OP, it's usually the transitions (yours and your daughter's) that are the tricky bits. :)

It's hard. It will get easier. If it doesn't you can review childcare choices.

I think it's hard whenever you go back.

I'll be going back at 3 months if this pg works out.

Lucy I'm guessing that the OP has a career she enjoys and that it will be financially beneficial further down the line for her not to take too much time out.

The OP hasn't explained why she feels terrible and can't work out what the unchangeable life choices are.

FWIW we had a terrible experience at a nursery when DD was 6 months old - lots of agency staff (plus nipping out for fag breaks), pressure of having to leave work at 4.45pm due to commute to nursery and couldn't be late, plus ongoing nappy rash as they changed nappies to schedule.

However, I still don't understand the OP - did the DH not really that the OP would have to return to work? or is he not happy with the nursery.

My story had an easy resolution - we found a friend with a baby of the same age and we did a nanny share and it cost less than the nursery and everyone was happy.

PeriodFeatures. My dd went to nursery for two afternoons (8 hours a week) when she was just over the one year mark. I wasn't out working, but I was studying for my degree via online learning. It broke me financially, even more so than I already was, but it had to be done. It meant that for 8 hours every week, I got some peace and quiet to write my essays or do some reading, etc. Did I feel guilty? Yes (initially) and no. Truth be told, it was fab to get some 'me' time and in the long run, it was good for dd. I never had any issues with getting her to settle in at her new nursery (afternoon state funded placement at 2 years) and she waltzed into school when the time came like she owned the joint

She was never scared of being left because from a young age, she knew mummy would come back for her soon and she had so much fun going. It also socialised her in ways I can't even describe. Now, I am by no means saying this is a universal thing but for me personally, I feel I got the balance right with my child and I've been very fortunate. I feel she got the best of both worlds - she had me at home and she also had the interaction/socialisation at nursery that I think children need. It's still the same now, to an extent, and she's six. I work part time so that I can do the school run every day and I'm home if she's sick or needs collecting from school for whatever reason. There's no childminder till 6pm and therefore no rush to cram homework, dinner, bath and bed in for 7pm. We get lots of quality time together still and I've been willing to live on less financially for this to be the case. When she's older and more able to manage on her own, I can pick up more hours if I want to. This has been the right decision for me and my little girl.

Truth be told, I think you're going to flap no matter what you do. You will always question if the other option would have been the better choice. I think for a lot of parents, it's natural to second guess these decisions. What's right for one won't be right for another. Some parents want or need to be at work full time, others want or feel they need to stay at home all the time. Some are willing to take a salary hit to stay at home, some can't or don't want to. Some parents feel it does their children good for mummy or daddy to be on hand 24/7, some parents would probably kill their kids if they had to be on hand 24/7.

What it boils down to is this: Find peace in the choices you make and all will be well If you need to go back to work - you need to go back to work. She will be absolutely fine.

Well the OP's response just pissed on one particular aggressive posters assertions and projections.

Thank you for coming back op, really heartening to hear you're both working hard raising the baby together. All the best for the future.

Hear hear GemmaWella

OP, I can quite understand that you and DH are both unhappy about this, it's not ideal, it's not the way you'd like to parent, but it's the best choice you can make in the circumstances and if it's a good nursery your dd will be just fine. We're all just doing our best with what we get.

Try to be positive and build a good relationship with the nursery staff to make the handovers easier so your dd doesn't pick up too much on your ambivalence.
And if it really feels wrong an alternative will arise
Good luck

OP, all the very best, I really didn't like the aggressive posts on here and thought they were unfair but please don't say your money will go on childcare - surely it is all household income.
FWIW, one of my dcs was in nursery for c.15 hours a week from 5 months, the other from 9 months. While it felt very strange and almost irresponsible for the first, she settled in absolutely fine and the nursery understood my feelings about it. I was sad she was in childcare, but also got to enjoy my working life, albeit in a different way. Also FWIW my dh went to a 4 day week, and (as I was p/t before the birth anyway) I did a 3 day week, and it worked out fine.
It took a lot of discussion for my dh to go to a 4 day week - I think his first instinct was he would have to work harder to be 'responsible' once he was a dad - I don't know if that is what is going on with you. We ended up broke but happy.
All the very best, and don't forget plenty of others have done what you're doing and it has been ok for them, and your baby will I'm sure be totally fine.

OP, I completely understand that if your finances are such that you have to go back to work then you have no choice but to get on with it. However your comment about "knowing she'll get so much out of nursery" struck a chord with me. I returned to work part time after I had my DDs. They were only in nursery 2 days per week and I convinced myself that they had a great time and experienced things I couldn't do for them at home. However I was never really comfortable with it and always felt guilty leaving them as I knew, at the end of the day, that they would rather be with me.

Fast forward many years and my girls (now 9 &7) still talk about how they didn't really like it there, it was too long a day and they really missed me and watched the door to see if it was me coming through it. Even after all these years it still makes me feel guilty. So if I had my time again I wouldn't put them in nursery unless I had absolutely no other option.

DS1 was in nursery from 3 months. Didn't do him any harm! DD2 went at 6 months and I opted to put DS2 in at 6 months old too as I think it was a positive thing for my kids!

As above, DD was at nursery 3 or 4 DX ays a week fro! 9 months and as with any change we were a little anxious, wanting to make the best decision.... together..

I can't imagine being in a relationship where I TELL my spouse that I am going back to work without discussion. we we we all the way!!!!! what I do effects my DD and my DH so er...obviously its dicussed.

I mean would it be reasonable to DH to wake tomorrow and quit work???? though if he had serious concerns, plans etc... its discussed.

Very weird thread. Typically unsupportive of op making assumptions about her husband.

nasty

I can't imagine being in a relationship where I TELL my spouse that I am going back to work without discussion. we we we all the way!!!!!

Ugh.

So you're not a individual any more.

Just a wife and mother.

I bet your husband doesn't run all his decisions about his life past you.

How are we bringing up our girls that they think that once they get married it is "healthy" to give up all sense of themselves as an individual?

"We all the way"?!

Fucking hell, that's really grim.

I mean would it be reasonable to DH to wake tomorrow and quit work???? though if he had serious concerns, plans etc... its discussed.

I love the way a man giving up work and having no source of income has been repeatedly suggested as the equivalent of a woman daring to take a job without running it past her owner husband.

Give it up join. Snore.