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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel terrible. DD will be going to Nursery

161 replies

PeriodFeatures · 30/01/2014 22:14

at 6 months old. DH isn't happy I know, but we have made unchangeable lifestyle choices and have financial responsibilities which basically mean that I will have to go to work.

I feel fucking shit. It will be 18.5 hours a week and is an exceptionally good nursery so no worries there.

OP posts:
WeddingComingUp · 30/01/2014 23:44

Completely agree Wingardium.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 23:46

Whatever age they go nursery, you'll feel guilt,

Only if you're an idiot.

There's no reason to feel guilty that your child is going to nursery.

Do all these "unhappy" men feel guilty?

Or is it more about wanting to make decisions for the whole "family"?

Should I be pissed off that my children had to go into childcare because my husband wouldn't give up his job to care for them?

Maybe we should make a "family" decision about that and he could "consult" me about his decision to have a job.

I'd love that. It would make me feel so powerful.

SomethingkindaOod · 30/01/2014 23:46

OP let me tell you what happened at the nursery I worked at in the baby room (under 2's).
They got:
Cuddles, played with, mobile climbing frames (the staff), stories, songs, occasionally mucked up, cleaned up, fed, watered, praised, educated.... I could go on...
In a good nursery your DC will get that lot and more. I childmind now and am still a mobile climbing frame Grin. A good nursery will answer every question you have, record everything, back you up wrt discipline/toilet training/weaning and will support you as a parent, they won't just treat you as a customer IYSWIM.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You're doing the best you can on your own circumstances, so YABU, but meant very nicely.

WeddingComingUp · 30/01/2014 23:48

Jesus Join, you really do have a massive chip on your shoulder.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 23:48

Right, so married people are not allowed to change their mind?

Or is that just married women.

I wonder how many women in marriages with "family decisions" find that the thing that is best for the family is that the man keeps his job and she gives up her financial independence for a few years, does all the housework, then maybe gets a crappy pin money job when the kids go to school.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 23:50

"I'm SOOOOOO married that I don't get to make my own decisions any more." Titter.

:o

WeddingComingUp · 30/01/2014 23:50
Hmm
BigWellyLittleWelly · 30/01/2014 23:53

I am so confused now. Can't tell who is bitching about what anymore.

JohnCusacksWife · 30/01/2014 23:53

YANBU to feel guilty. I would too. My DDs were both 1 before they went to nursery and I still felt guilty then. Although it was a good nursery and they were well looked after I still hated putting them in there. I think it's something you've just got to learn to live with.

lackingideas · 30/01/2014 23:57

Family decisions can mean just that! If Dh was offered a job abroad for example I think anyone here would be pretty pissed off if he accepted it without consulting - I don't think everyone making decisions about their own job is a very healthy relationship!

WeddingComingUp · 30/01/2014 23:59

Yy lacking ideas

HanSolo · 31/01/2014 00:00

If your DH is unhappy, he has several options.

  1. he can stay home/work PT and care for her himself- she is his child too. He is entitled to 26 weeks paid paternity leave, so it would be funded.
  2. whatever your major financial responsibilities could be resolved in some manner (difficult to advise when you give no indication what they might be) so that your income does not need to be so high for now, and you can take your full maternity leave.

But it would be nice if people cam back to threads they've started...

diddlediddledumpling · 31/01/2014 00:00

I think OP is just sitting back tittering at Join and Wedding.
Being unhappy and pissed off about something are not the same as not allowing your wife to work. Some serious assumptions and word-twisting going on here. No one has described being controlled by their husband, as far as I can see.

OpalQuartz · 31/01/2014 00:02

For God's sake. Now people are idiots if they dare to feel guilty about their baby starting nursery. Hmm

Goldenbear · 31/01/2014 00:04

I felt the way you do OP and I didn't return to work just drastically altered my plans at the time. FWIW I don't think you're an 'idiot' for feeling guilty.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 31/01/2014 00:07

"If Dh was offered a job abroad for example I think anyone here would be pretty pissed off if he accepted it without consulting"

Um, no.

Because that would be a decision about either where you lived, or you taking on 100% childcare for most of the time.

Making that decision without consulting you would be about the same as thinking you weren't allowed to take a job unless he gave you permission.

TheMaw · 31/01/2014 00:08

OP don't feel guilty, it's good for them to socialise and get a bit of independence, and six months isn't that young really. You say it's a good nursery and she'll be happy with other kids to socialise with, please don't worry too much. It seems like such a big step though, I know.

TheMaw · 31/01/2014 00:11

Sorry, isn't that young for nursary*

DoreensEatingHerSoreen · 31/01/2014 00:12

I went back to work when DS was 8 months, I worked 35 hours and as a Lone Parent. (He was only in nursery 3 days though as I did compressed hours and he spent 1 day a week with MIL.)

I didn't feel guilty so you certainly shouldn't! I was paying the bills, putting a roof over his head and providing for his future, just as you are doing for your DD. I believe nursery benefited my DS no end, fantastic friends, fantastic early years education.

You will soon adjust to a new routine ... And just wait till you get those big smiles and cuddles at pick up time!

Electryone · 31/01/2014 00:15

Whatever age they go nursery, you'll feel guilt

And you speak for all parents do you? Ive went back to work after all 3 of mione at various ages and using various childcare, cant say Ive ever felt guilty, bit of a waste of emotion.

Sleepyfergus · 31/01/2014 00:24

Perhaps the OP hadn't come back because of the ridiculous verbal cat fight that has ensued? Some people on MN have a ridiculous 'talent' for reading between the lines and projecting what they want to believe.

Goldenbear · 31/01/2014 00:24

'Guilt' being a wasted emotion is not exactly categorical either, is it?

Barbeasty · 31/01/2014 05:50

DS started nursery at 6 months, and the staff loved it. They don't get children quite that young very often so they made the most of him.

Lots of cuddles and attention. And the excitement staff show at his development- seeing him walk; attempting to say his key worker's name....

As he's hit separation anxiety, his key worker and other staff are on his "safe" list of people he doesn't mind being left with. So it's much easier than with DD who started at 1yr.

And now he's 13 months, he's not the youngest any more.

It is hard. If I won the lottery tomorrow I'd give up work, no questions. We've also set ourselves up where I can't afford not to work, and I think both DH and I would prefer me to be at home. But we make the most of what we have.

Devilforasideboard · 31/01/2014 06:49

Best piece of advice I had was from a friend who is a SAHM, she said you'll feel guilty whatever you do, it's just part of motherhood so do what you think is best for all of you and stop feeling guilty. DS started at his childminder at 5 months and absolutely bloody loves it. As long as he's happy I figure I might as well be!

annieorangutan · 31/01/2014 07:08

Much better than going at one year as the babies arent generally dont cry.

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