to feel terrible. DD will be going to Nursery

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at 6 months old. DH isn't happy I know, but we have made unchangeable lifestyle choices and have financial responsibilities which basically mean that I will have to go to work.

I feel fucking shit. It will be 18.5 hours a week and is an exceptionally good nursery so no worries there.

Also I think being at nursery part of the time is much better than being at home all the time as they get so many extra experiences. I would send mine a couple of days a week even if I stayed at home. There is nothing better than those children that have been there from little babies, and then the same staff looking after them until they leave school

I live abroad where maternity leave is much shorter. DS is three months and is starting with a childminder 3 days a week. He's been spending time with her to get used to it and it seems to be going fine.

just dropped my chap off at nursery. all the way there he kept giggling and saying 'nursery'. He ran in. he will run out again when I pick him up

it's not all bad.

My DDs both started nursery at 6 months - 5 days a week. They took to it so easily, and they had the same keyworker from when they started until they left to start school. The nursery had virtually no staff turnover, it was small and it felt like a second family. My DDs still hug their former care workers when we meet them in town - they're now 11 and 13.

What matters is what you do when you are at home with your DC - it means that you get no time at all for yourself until they are in bed, and that's fine.

You are allowed to feel sad. I would have worked p/t if that had been an option in my job, but that's just life. With DD1 I cried a lot in the first 3 weeks after going back. With DD2 not at all because I knew where she was going and how happy she would be there.

And they never, ever prefer the nursery staff over you. It doesn't happen. When I picked up DD1 after my first day back, the moment she saw me, she held out both arms and gave me the biggest grin ever. Priceless moment.

Sat on my hands, then walked in the garden to stop myself saying something, here, but still cant bring myself to read and run in the face of some of the nonsense.

IF one has been in a highly controlling, abusive, relationship then there can be a tendency to see controlling overtones in relationships, ever after.
BUT to assume that reaching agreement through discussion, within a healthy relationship, is an indicator of subjugation is an utter nonsense.
In the absence of any other evidence that the relationship is controlling, the assumption is about as rational as believing monsters are in the closet.

Truly healthy relationships acknowledge the "we" aspect, as well as the "I". Healthy joint parenting is about both parents making decisions for their child. It is no less healthy to say a DH would be upset by a change to plans for their child, than it would be for a DW to say they were upset that DH was planning a drop in family income to facilitate only working part-time. The financial viability of the family unit is jointly held (in healthy relationships) and while each contributor obviously CAN make individual choices, the decisions affect the "family unit" as a whole and a genuinely equal partnership makes those decisions on a unit basis.

Lets spin the argument ...... one adult decides that they will not return to work because they want to stay at home (just as justified a free choice as returning to work) and because of that decision, it is no longer possible to maintain the mortgage, pay the bills or adequately support the family.
Was this truly a decision that was entirely personal? or should it have been made jointly, because the other person in the relationship will also lose their home, suffer from defaulting on bills, and watch their children live in a way they feel uncomfortable with.
The scenario is just as valid as saying that choosing to return to work has nothing to do with a partner.

Joint decision making does not equal control by stealth in healthy relationships.

My DS1 started nursery at 5.5 months, 5 days a week. No option at the time. I felt terrible , but it was a great nursery and he loved it. He's now 12.5, and a lovely happy boy (who's as well-adjusted as a pre-teen can reasonably be expected to be . Don't worry.

I think you have put it very clearly, RedRevision

When my 1st DC was born we decided that I would stay home as A) His job paid more B) My job pre-children involved working odd hours, not always regular, so it would have been difficult to get nursery cover for these non-standard times. C) As it turned out, my DC was a poorly child and needed 2 operations, followed by numerous hospital appointments for the 1st 18 months, it would have been difficult to keep taking time off work to cover these. So it was a decision we came too, together, that I would stay home.

Actually, I grew to love it, and I have not gone back yet. My DH is ok with that decision, but he would not turn his nose up at an increased family income if I did want to get a job.

I resent the fact that that might be perceived as me being a subjugated, Stetford wife. We made the decision as per our family circumstances. That does not make my DH controlling or a financial abuser.

OP YANBU to feel as you do, neither is your DH. But you make the decisions based on what is based for your family, whatever that is, don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.

I'm reading the OP differently to anyone else I think.

Neither party wants the child to go to nursery this early.

But what are the "unchangeable lifestyle choices"? And did you make them as a family? Do you mean you're in debt? If so, who put you in debt? Why does one of you think this is unavoidable and the other one not? More information needed I think...

18.5 hours a week isn't very much. Your baby will probably enjoy being with other children and nurseries do so many fun activities that you can't do at home.

I am sorry if this sounds mean but I really struggle to understand women who feel sad that their children are going to nursery? Maybe I have a heart of stone but I was happy when my kids went to nursery. It was good for them and me.

I think that ultimately the decision to work or not to work is up to the individual but in a healthy relationship they will consider the partner and children in reaching their decision. I wanted to go back to work part time after the first DC, but for our family situation at the time it really wasn't sensible or wise, so I went back full time, which was the default situation. DH did not try and influence the decision.

OP, why isn't your DH happy? And why do you feel fucking shit? Is it because you really don't want to go back to work yourself or because of the disharmony it is causing with DH?

one adult decides that they will not return to work because they want to stay at home (just as justified a free choice as returning to work) and because of that decision, it is no longer possible to maintain the mortgage, pay the bills or adequately support the family.

Not returning to work and expecting another adult to support you financially is NOT AT ALL as justified a "free choice" as working.

EVERY adult has the right to work if they want to.

It's not a "family" decision. It's an individual decision.

Quitting work is a "family" decision, because it affects the other person.

I don't know why it surprises me that women think that their husbands should get a say in their decision to work.

It explains an awful lot about how many women end up being fucked financially.

You don't have to have been in a controlling relationship to see that allowing another person to have a say in your decision to work is to give up a basic aspect of your freedom.

It's as though feminism never happened.

I'm falling in with Red's point of view that it is a family decision. Of course every individual has the right to decide to work, or not, and for how long, but equally when this impacts upon other people, especially small dependent people, then it is better that all parties are able to express their point of view.

Much or parenthood is about compromise, and this seems to me to be another example of that.

So a woman has given up work for a few years to look after her children.

After a couple of years she decides she needs to go back into the workplace because if she leaves it any longer she will never be able to get back into her career.

But many of you believe that her HUSBAND gets a say in whether or not she gets to make the decision to go back to work?

That if HE doesn't like the idea of his children in a nursery, he gets to be pissed off with her for changing her mind about working and put pressure on her to stay off work?

Really?

What about a woman in a financially abusive situation (not as rare as we might hope) who is surviving on child benefit alone and struggling. Her (rich) husband gets to insist that she owes him dependency forever because once she agreed to it?

You can talk as much as you want about how you organise things as a family, but ultimately NOBODY gets to put pressure on another adult not to work.

And previous "agreements" don't give you any rights over their decisions.

Of course both parents working is a family decision - it affects the child

Partner one (lets take the genders out of this, shall we?) says 'right, I'm going back to work next week. DC will be in full time childcare.

Partner two is entirely entitled to say, 'whoah, there, let's talk about this. I'm not sure that's in the best interest of the DC. What other options have we got?'

No, no-one should 'prevent' another human being from going out to work if that's what they want to do, but when you have children with another person, there are decisions which once would have been solely yours, which aren't anymore, because they affect the child.

It doesn't make partner two controlling. In fact, if partner one insists on having their way, they could end up being the bullying one!

In many countries cross Europe maternity leave is only 15 weeks and childminders are very rare so almost all babies are in nursery full time from the age of 4 months. Mothers in those countries don't go round wringing their hands in guilt and 'feeling terrible'.

I agree, Join.

If it really were as simple as a family sitting down and rationally working out what's best for everyone, you would expect to see a lot more dads staying home than you do now.

There are a lot of individual and societal attitudes and assumptions that conspire to keep women at home, jeopardising their careers and financial independence, sometimes for the long term.

As long as that's the case, I think it's important for women to resist any sort of guilt or pressure not to work. Obviously, as a family unit, you discuss things and make sure all the logistics are covered. But I don't think the DH's 'happiness' should really come into it, unless somehow that work is going to impose some giant burden on him, which it won't here.

I'm not a man hater. I have a lovely DH and we have a very equal relationship, especially in parenting. I just get frustrated by how entrenched gender attitudes toward SAHP are.

ginny but it's disingenuous to take gender out of that conversation. Given how parental leave works in the UK, Partner 1 is going to be a woman 98% of the time.

I agree there needs to be a conversation, but as long as there is appropriate and good childcare in place, then a woman should be able to go back to work just because she wants to.

If the man feels so strongly that FT childcare is wrong, then obviously he is welcome to sacrifice his career for a few years to stay at home.

Look at it this way , you will be with your child for the other 149.5 hours a week

In response to the OP, Dd went to nursery at 1 year, I wish I'd sent her earlier as it took her far longer to settle in then it would've done if I had sent her at a younger age.

YANBU, I had the exact same with DS, it really tore my heart out for a while but I knew it was for the best for us all. Give it time hun.

I hope the OP comes back and explains what she meant by her husband not being happy.

I agree there needs to be a conversation, but as long as there is appropriate and good childcare in place, then a woman should be able to go back to work just because she wants to.

If the man feels so strongly that FT childcare is wrong, then obviously he is welcome to sacrifice his career for a few years to stay at home

But the OP has not said that her DH feels strongly that FT childcare is wrong, she just says he 'isn't happy'- does not specify on what grounds he is not happy, people are reading things into the thread.

The OP also says she feels 'fucking shit'- again she has not said why, but if it is because she does not want to leave her child yet, then your point about 'a woman should be able to go back to work just because she wants to' does not stand up as she appears to not want to.

Nowhere does it say that DH is preventing her from going to work or insisting that she stays home.

From the OP, its only clear to me that they are both unhappy that the DC has to go to nursery at 6 months. The rest is conjecture.

I assume she was going back at 1yr anyway (but this is an assumption on my part too)and if so, he isn't exactly stopping her from working anyway. Maybe they had simply agreed that they thought it was best if she took a year off, and now they have realised it isn't possible and are disappointed about that.

Id be gutted if i had to go back to work after 6 months, and i think my DH would too. Not because he wants me to be dependent on him, or his dinner on the table each night, but because we don't want DS to be cared for, for a significant amount of time each week by someone else just yet.

DS is going nursery 3 days a week when he is a year old and i do want him to as i think the experience will be positive and beneficial for his development. But right now I want to be with him full time.

But many of you believe that her HUSBAND gets a say in whether or not she gets to make the decision to go back to work? That if HE doesn't like the idea of his children in a nursery, he gets to be pissed off with her for changing her mind about working and put pressure on her to stay off work

This discussion is moving far from the original point, and I have to agree with previous posters that some projection may be involved. We are all coloured by experience, but comments are being twisted to fit the agenda.
I did not mention anyone being pissed off or putting pressure on. That is yet another "monster in the cupboard" extrapolation.
Of course everyone has the right to work if they choose, and should not be prevented by the behaviour of another person, but the more rational, healthy, model for discussion would be one adult expressing a desire to return to work and both parties discussing how that can best be organised to ensure that everyones needs are as fulfilled as is possible within feasible options. THAT is a good partnership in action.
Dido makes an excellent point in saying that we do not live in a perfect world, and compromises are often made to accommodate family life and for the benefit of the children. In good relationships, those compromises are made on the basis of mutual agreement not power trips.

If we are on the equality bandwagon (and where else was this thread ever going) why is there such a stereotypical assumption that it is always a woman acting as SAHP and a MAN dictating whether or not that continues?
There are a large number of men staying home to look after children these days, as a family choice, because partners earning power is greater.

When I was a baby room supervisor, maternity leave was 14 weeks, so we often had babies in from about 12 weeks. Since then maternity leave has increased by a massive amount.

Regardless of whatever choices you make as a mother, you will always feel guilty. I had dd and had 14 weeks leave, decided not to go back to work and didn't go back until she went to school. She was nearly 6. Her brother only had me at home for 3 years and I often get guilt trips for that but it's all my own doing.

I loved the baby room. It was one where we got to have the easier part of keeping them amused, getting cuddles, giving bottles before they got too mobile. I remember lying on the bean bag with the 4 boys crawling all around me giggling and hoping I would have a happy baby like they were. Their little faces lit up when mummy or daddy came in and it was lovely to hand them over happy to their parents to have some quality time before bed.