I've pissed my friend off but didn't actually mean to...

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

Ok, I'm going to make this is a quick as possible.

Friend got married last year, no honeymoon as she was starting IVF the week after. They had been planning to book a honeymoon for after DC had come along.

So today she told me they are booking a honeymoon for when DC will be around 8 weeks (providing she is on time). I commented that I hoped they would be able to get DC a passport in that time and then she said they aren't taking DC. They are booking 2 weeks in Morocco. I was pretty shocked and kindly pointed out that they maybe shouldn't book until after DC is born because they will maybe regret it and end up losing the money. She asked why so I told her the following:-

1. She probably won't want to leave the baby when he/she is so little, and that it is a huge responsibility for the GPs.

1. That depending on the type of birth she has and how DC is she might physically not be able to go.

Apparently through that she assuming that I will think she is a bad Mum if they do book. It's none of my business but no I don't think they should actually go and I don't think it is responsible for both parents to leave such a young DC to go away, honeymoon or not. I haven't actually said that. I was actually just trying to be helpful and point out flaws in her plans but that backfired.

Does anyone else think this is a weird thing to want to do? Does anyone think I overstepped the mark by pointing out the obvious what could cause them to lose money?

Bizarre. To go through ivf and them leave the new baby so early on.

She must have had a very smooth protocol but still you'd think she'd want to cherish every moment that soon afterwards.

*then not them

Totally bizarre.

They could have gone somewhere lovely when she was about 16-20 weeks. Why is she happy to leave a tiny baby they've tried so hard to have?!

Im due April & spoke to a Mum friend to decide whether I should work ONE DAY (6am - 11pm) in May. She said forget it - BF feeding will be a pain, you might be anxious, you might still feel shit no sleep etc etc. All sound advice.

You were being a good friend. I think she's got the hump because she knows she's going to get from me some people.

What I can't understand is how on one hand she wanted a baby desperately enough that she started ivf right after the wedding, and then on the other hand is so desperate to leave said baby as soon as possible so to be able to have a boozy holiday with her DH.

Mind boggles. Baby should take priority over everything and I couldn't imagine doing that in a million years, even though boozy holidays with DP were my favourite thing in the world to do pre pregnancy

Btw I speak from the position of someone who has tried ivf 5 times.
If I ever manage to have a child I will have to watch I don't get too clingy and pfb. There's no way at all I would ever leave them to go off on a holiday. How can she enjoy herself? I get she hasn't experienced being a Mother or that bound but neither have I and I can see how ridiculous she's being.

*bond

It's not a honeymoon, it's a holiday.

Glad she had successful IVF, but is she aware a baby is for life, not just a few daily cuddles?

I get really fed up of people who think children are pets for evenings and weekends.

What if she has a premature baby who needs medical intervention? Surely she wont leave him in NICU while she swans off to Morocco. What if she picks up an illness & passes it on or is physically unable to care for the baby? There are lots of what if scenarios and the most sensible thing for her to do is to wait until the baby arrives & then book if she still wants to go. I wouldn't do it personally but I accept that some do.

She'll probably look back on her conversation with you in a few years and feel ashamed! When I was 6 months pregnant I remember telling my sister that DH and I would love to go on holiday without our DS for our anniversary when DS would have been 6 months old, and I didn't see why we wouldn't. DS is now 2.4 and we still haven't had that child free holiday. Not that we haven't had the chance, simply I really don't want to.

I think this is one of those things that, before you have kids, you think you'll miss when for many people, they don't.

We've got a childfree week away planned for when DS.is five and DD will be nearly 3. I'm now wondering if we should just do a weekend instead!

Re taking a small baby to morocco - that's fine. I took DS at 8 weeks (ILs are Moroccan) and you don't need any vaccinations. If that's what people were asking - I've only skimmed.

There's no way I could have left my DC as early as 8 weeks, especially for something unnecessary like a holiday. She probably has no idea of the practicalities and emotional impact of what's she's planning, so I don't blame you for mentioning it OP.

We only recently left ours for 1 night (DS1 5 and DS2 3) and that was hard enough. I couldn't have left them for 2 weeks, even at that age.

Your friend has had 8 years of holidays without baby so not sure why they would want one a mere 8 weeks after baby is born. But thats by the by.

You did the right thing. She is unreasonable to be sulking.

YANBU OP. Oh well, she's in for a shock.

Honeymoon without baby at 8 weeks post partum? Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Tbh by the time I had my third I would have happily left him with the milkman to get 5 minutes peace, but 2 weeks away? Not a chance

Well, you're onto a loser here, OP, because no-one likes being criticised or given advice, even if - or perhaps especially if - that advice turns out to be right.

What she's doing is a bad idea for all sorts of reasons: leaving a small baby when she's still bonding with it; probably feeling physically and mentally exhausted; imposing hugely on grandparents who might not actually want to be up five times a night with a newborn, especially if it has colic or other problems. What if the baby's late, or has health problems? She seems not to have thought it through at all.

I have never spent two weeks away from my DD, and she's now 14! The first time I spent a night away from her was when she was 2.

yanbu. please come back and update after the birth! when is that?

bloody hell she's mad.

Yes, when is the baby due?

Oh and yanbu naturally btw!

When I was expecting DC1 I worked with a woman who was expecting her DC1 2 weeks before me. She was full of plans for spending all the hours and days of "free time" she thought she would have once the baby arrived. She had a timescale for getting back into her pre-pregnancy jeans all worked out, and she was practicing a "natural, fresh-faced look" make-up for her first "sitting-up-in-bed-with-brand-new-baby" shot.

I was starting to feel very inadequate, as I had no such plans and was fairly apprehensive about the whole total-responsibility-for-new-person thing. So I asked my midwife, and she said she would be worried about any expectant mother with a post-baby timescale.

In the event she had a lengthy labour, finishing up with a emergency C-section. She had to have a blood transfusion - there was no "natural, fresh-faced look." Weeks later I bumped into her at the baby clinic and she looked awful - exhausted, with her hair a mess and definitely not back into her jeans.

It seems to me your friend is setting herself an equally unrealistic target, if she's planning a sex-and-lounging-by-the-pool-in-beachwear type holiday 8 weeks after giving birth.

Stick around, OP - she might really need a friend like you once reality hits.

?Antenatal depression?
This seems like hugely odd behaviour for someone having any baby yet alone a long awaited ivf baby.
It will be massively detrimental to the development of that baby if the two main care givers aren't present for a fortnight. For the baby, it will be as traumatic as being abandoned at a hospital, however lovely the GPS are, the baby is unlikely to 'recognise' people outside of mum and dad at 6 weeks let alone feel secure with such a massive change in their environment and care.

Ivf can be a really difficult process, perhaps your friend needs some counselling to help her bond with the unborn baby? Or maybe there is something else going on?
For me it's almost a neglect issue, to have such little understanding of the emotional needs of your baby, and be so detached from what impact this will have on them. The impact of this level of distress on such an immature brain doesn't bear thinking about.
You did completely the right thing in challenging her. I really hope she reads a decent baby book and changes her mind, or that the GPS say no.
I would respond saying you think she'll make an amazing mummy which is why you think she would find it hard to be separated from her baby, and that her baby will really really need her and oh's constant loving care in those early weeks. Because they are too young to understand being left.
Maybe something about enjoying an amazing adventure as a family, or putting off a long honeymoon until the baby is older.
I know people will think this is huge judgey, but if they can't put that baby first for its early weeks it makes me feel really sad about how the rest of its life might be xxxxx

Is she planning on wearing a bikini over her thick maternity pad?

Maybe she reads lots of celeb magazines and sees those women back in their bikinis after a month of exercising 8 hours a day while the nanny looks after the new fashion accessory (baby).

When I was much younger and read those rags I assumed that re-claiming a pre-pregnancy body was easy. DC2 is 18 months old and my belly still looks like something the baker left out of the oven. Could be cuz I don't have a nanny or do any exercise.

Your friend is barking and selfish.

Is all very well to want a holiday, but swanning off might be more difficult than she has bargained for. Pesky hormones.

She has been

Known to yap on about some Kardashian or other. I switch off to be honest...