Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've pissed my friend off but didn't actually mean to...

168 replies

MeepMeepVrooooom · 26/01/2014 21:19

Ok, I'm going to make this is a quick as possible.

Friend got married last year, no honeymoon as she was starting IVF the week after. They had been planning to book a honeymoon for after DC had come along.

So today she told me they are booking a honeymoon for when DC will be around 8 weeks (providing she is on time). I commented that I hoped they would be able to get DC a passport in that time and then she said they aren't taking DC. They are booking 2 weeks in Morocco. I was pretty shocked and kindly pointed out that they maybe shouldn't book until after DC is born because they will maybe regret it and end up losing the money. She asked why so I told her the following:-

  1. She probably won't want to leave the baby when he/she is so little, and that it is a huge responsibility for the GPs.
  1. That depending on the type of birth she has and how DC is she might physically not be able to go.

Apparently through that she assuming that I will think she is a bad Mum if they do book. It's none of my business but no I don't think they should actually go and I don't think it is responsible for both parents to leave such a young DC to go away, honeymoon or not. I haven't actually said that. I was actually just trying to be helpful and point out flaws in her plans but that backfired.

Does anyone else think this is a weird thing to want to do? Does anyone think I overstepped the mark by pointing out the obvious what could cause them to lose money?

OP posts:
auntpetunia · 26/01/2014 21:33

I think you need another conversation along the lines of you don't think she's a bad Mum but you really don't think she will want to leave her gorgeous new baby for that long and how you are really just trying to make sure she doesn't loose a lot of money. are the gp agreeable to being left with such a small baby or is she just assuming?

hippo123 · 26/01/2014 21:34

I left my dc for a 2 week honeymoon having left them many times before for a night or 2. It was really tough and they were 2 and 5. No way could I have done it at 8 weeks. A night maybe, but not 2 weeks aboard. Maybe show her this thread?

Charley50 · 26/01/2014 21:34

I have just read your OP and I think they are outrageous and misguided to be booking a 2 week holiday away from their new born baby! I am as shocked as you are.
Forget about any complications; a new baby needs to fully bond, as you probably know but your friend doesn't seem to, with at least one parent. To go away for two weeks will damage that bond a lot. I think you did the right thing telling her!!

PansOnFire · 26/01/2014 21:34

YANBU, at all. She needs to hear it, it's a great idea in theory but I doubt that she'll want to leave pfb for 2 weeks. I know everyone is different but I think it's the small minority who would feel comfortable doing this. I don't think you were a bad friend, but I certainly wouldn't have understood before I had my first so she might stay annoyed with you for a while yet unfortunately. The thing is, other people will probably start telling her the same. Decisions as a parent are hard to comment on without looking judgemental but she clearly hasn't factored in issues like PND and breastfeeding.

I'd maybe talk to her again to say that you didn't mean to sound judgmental, don't try and talk her out of it, if she seems committed to the idea then just leave her to it. just resist the urge to tell her 'I told you so' when she can't go.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 26/01/2014 21:35

I think she will realise what you meant later.
It's madness to leave newborns for 2 weeks. I'm amazed the gp haven't said anything.
I also think it's going to harder than she thinks to leave when the time comes. Besides when she comes back the baby may not even remember her. I'm sure I will be put in the stocks for that comment but it happened when my dh was working away for 2 weeks. He was upset about it.

trilbydoll · 26/01/2014 21:35

If i had tried this i think my parents would have called us home after 3 nights - have they considered the baby could be waking up every 2 hours?! I was distinctly underwhelmed with my own baby at that point, i would not have endured the sleep deprivation for someone else!

PrimalLass · 26/01/2014 21:36

With my second I was still bleeding occasionally at 8 weeks. The last thing I felt like was 'honeymooning'.

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 26/01/2014 21:36

I never quite got why they didn't have the honeymoon while she was pregnant either but she said it would do her head in for DH to be lying by the pool sipping cocktails while she couldn't...

OP posts:
CailinDana · 26/01/2014 21:36

Absolutely nuts. Why on earth didn't they go early on in her pregnancy? There is absolutely no way I could have left either of my dcs at 8 weeks. She will get such a shock when her baby is born.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 26/01/2014 21:36

I can see why you said it but yes I do think you overstepped

I would never in a million years be away from my babies when they were that little, but I have a friend who did go on holiday abroad when her baby was 6 weeks and she had no problem doing it. The baby was bottle fed and stayed with it's grandparents and everyone involved seemed happy. It's not something I could do but it wasn't my place to say anything

lljkk · 26/01/2014 21:36

yanbu.
Let us know what really happens about the Morocco holiday.

CromeYellow · 26/01/2014 21:37

She'll understand your point when the baby's born. No point worrying about causing offence, when she's lost a lot of money on a holiday that never was, she'll be kicking herself for not listening to you.

Only someone who is very detached from and not bonded with their newborn could leave them for two weeks, if she does make her holiday, that would be genuinely concerning.

mameulah · 26/01/2014 21:37

You probably should have saved yourself the grief, but fwiw, I TOTALLY agree with you!

Catsize · 26/01/2014 21:37

Wow. That seems insane. How is this in the best interests of the child?! Or the people looking after the child... Seems very odd. Guessing she ain't planning on breastfeeding either. I think you were just being a good friend and not at all unreasonable. This scenario makes me feel sad for the baby.

diddl · 26/01/2014 21:37

I can't figure it out at all!

Presumably they had been TTC before married, decided to marry & start IVF & it all happened to coincide such that there was no time for a honeymoon before the IVF?

And a honeymoon whilst pregnant wouldn't have been possible?

Sounds really odd to me tbh to plan to keave a newborn for a holiday that probably could have been taken before.

heatseeker · 26/01/2014 21:38

What if she wants to breast feed I am assuming she will be bottle feeding? What if she changes her mind as I did once DS was born?

MyNameIsKenAdams · 26/01/2014 21:38

Tbf an eight week old is the easiest child to take on a holiday.

CailinDana · 26/01/2014 21:39

I didn't even think of the fact that I felt worse at 8 weeks post birth than I did at 2 weeks - I would not have enjoyed a holiday simply because I felt so rotten.

weebarra · 26/01/2014 21:39

Two weeks does seem like a long time when the baby is so young. I have had three EMCS and no way would I have felt "honeymoony" at 8 weeks post section.

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 26/01/2014 21:40

I really don't know if they have discussed with GPs about the timescale. It was discussed back when they got married and GPs said then they would happily take GC to allow them a honeymoon.

I know GPs quite well and I think it's safe to say they weren't thinking of doing it at 8 weeks and most likely not for 2 weeks. I could be wrong of course that is just me presuming.

OP posts:
Catsize · 26/01/2014 21:41

Just seen the cocktails comment. Mind boggles. She seems rather self-absorbed. Cottage in Wales for the weekend with the baby in tow me thinks. Grin

FudgefaceMcZ · 26/01/2014 21:41

She sounds daft, YANBU. What if even with normal birth, baby is 2 weeks late (often happens) so they go on honeymoon and she feels too rough still for sex? Surely that's the entire point. Even aside from voluntarily leaving a 6-10wo baby for 2 weeks being pretty odd, it hardly seems like good timing from a selfish perspective either. There is probably no point talking to her about it though as seems like she has such a poor understanding of the effect of pregnancy and childbirth that she won't listen to reason. Very bizarre.

Preciousbane · 26/01/2014 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatisaweekend · 26/01/2014 21:42

I hate Mondays - having had my children with me for the whole weekend, they go to school and I miss them so much. They are 8 and 4!! Your friend is bonkers to think she will be happy to leave her baby for two weeks so early on and I think you were right to point out the potential pitfalls in her plan. She may be pissed off with you but hopefully you will have sewn a seed in her mind and she might put off her final decision until she gives birth.

DontmindifIdo · 26/01/2014 21:43

I'd tell her that you think you offended her and didn't mean to, but you were just trying to point out the problems - also worth saying that if her baby is late she might just have had her 6 week check, might still not be able to sit on a flight that long, might still be bleeding, might not be up to it, so you wanted to make sure she had good insurance...

Your friend is in for a shock, I hope she doesn't go ahead and book and then feel she has to go on the honeymoon... Sad