I've pissed my friend off but didn't actually mean to...

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

Ok, I'm going to make this is a quick as possible.

Friend got married last year, no honeymoon as she was starting IVF the week after. They had been planning to book a honeymoon for after DC had come along.

So today she told me they are booking a honeymoon for when DC will be around 8 weeks (providing she is on time). I commented that I hoped they would be able to get DC a passport in that time and then she said they aren't taking DC. They are booking 2 weeks in Morocco. I was pretty shocked and kindly pointed out that they maybe shouldn't book until after DC is born because they will maybe regret it and end up losing the money. She asked why so I told her the following:-

1. She probably won't want to leave the baby when he/she is so little, and that it is a huge responsibility for the GPs.

1. That depending on the type of birth she has and how DC is she might physically not be able to go.

Apparently through that she assuming that I will think she is a bad Mum if they do book. It's none of my business but no I don't think they should actually go and I don't think it is responsible for both parents to leave such a young DC to go away, honeymoon or not. I haven't actually said that. I was actually just trying to be helpful and point out flaws in her plans but that backfired.

Does anyone else think this is a weird thing to want to do? Does anyone think I overstepped the mark by pointing out the obvious what could cause them to lose money?

I think as a friend it is your duty and a kindness to tell her what you did; you have knowledge she does not.

Now you've told her it's up to her and her dh but yes, you were absolutely right to point out what you did.

Wow, that's crazy!

You have not overstepped the mark. I don't like leaving my children, and they are both in secondary school. She obviously does not realise the impact the baby will have on her, both emotionally and physically.

You were trying to help but in pointing out your thoughts you assumed she wouldn't be able to work out for herself she might not want to leave her baby.

Reminds me actually in a nanny job I had a looked after a baby from 10 weeks old and when she was 12 weeks the parents went away for 10 days. Seemed a bit surprising to me but part of what that kind of people did. Baby was fine with me. Grandmas helped. No big deal though the baby got very close to me, preferred me to mum at times, which did not go down well. Once baby was hurt and sat crying on mum's knee for ages. I took her and she stopped. I felt awful but then I spent 24/7 with her for a period of 2 weeks and was with her full time for 5 days a week, did 2 half days and all the night wakings. I definitely saw her more than her parents did. Mum didn't work but then I wouldn't have had that job if they didn't want to live like that.

Fwiw I don't think you've overstepped your mark. But given that they've never had children, they are just quite unaware. When my bil and his fiancée were planning their wedding and insisted on having it on the weekend I was due to have dc2 (and we live 6 hr drive away) they kept saying things like 'oh babies will come when they come' and 'oh it's such a pity you can't make the wedding...' She's just had a baby 6 months ago and she's not travelled beyond 10mile radius. Nor would she want to come down here.... With one child. And she was expecting us to drive 6hr, possibly with one new born and a 2.5year old toddler (or with one v overdue 40week pregnant woman and a 2.5year old toddler)...

"Presumably they had been TTC before married, decided to marry & start IVF & it all happened to coincide such that there was no time for a honeymoon before the IVF?"

My friend knew she wasn't able to conceive naturally prior to meeting DH and they have been together for 8 years. When they booked their wedding they knew they wanted to start a family quickly so got a referral for IVF around the time of booking the wedding so they wouldn't be too far apart, they didn't plan on it being quite so quick after the wedding but I don't think there is much choice with dates where these things are concerned.

I am desperate for an adult only holiday but dammed extended breastfeeding has put paid to that

Still think you were totally right to say.

oh yes how about "if you have had someone cut between your fanjo and your arse only 6 weeks before, you won't be up for sex at all, and possibly might be in a lot of pain. Plus your whole stomach area will be rather far from 'beach body ready' for a while."

Yanbu and your friend is being odd.

I don't like the attitude of 'it's none of your business'. The lives of our friends and family are our business to a certain extent and I think you did the right thing in expressing your concerns. It might cause her to stop and think.

Apart from anything else, doesn't she at least want to try bf'ing? I know it doesn't work for everyone but to just assume you won't bother at all seems funny to me. And leaving a tiny baby for two weeks? I mean why bother having a baby!!

I don't think you overstepped the mark. If you want to try and smooth things over I'd go along the lines of not wanting her to waste money argument, rather than emphasise the missing the baby side of things.

if you have had someone cut between your fanjo and your arse only 6 weeks before, you won't be up for sex at all, and possibly might be in a lot of pain

oh the memories

You were being honest with your friend, which is a good thing!
8 weeks post birth I was still in alot of pain after complications from my c section. I doubt I would have even got insurance nevermind leaving my baby.

God when ds1 was that little I could hardly bear to be in a different room from him! Was breastfeeding so couldn't be part for too long anyway, remember dh taking him down the road to pick up some photos and pop into our friends to show him off when he was 2 days old. It felt like the longest half hour of my whole life. They are 7, 5 and 3 now and I occasionally leave them overnight (and enjoy myself!!!) but even now wouldn't be happy leaving them for 2 weeks!

There have been a few comments about BFing. She doesn't want to do it. To be honest I knew I didn't want to BF either and I never did so I don't really factor this in. However I am aware she might change her mind and that would create a whole new set of problems.

I think I might just send her a text apologising if I upset her at all it really wasn't intended that way and hope for the best.

I think she's being ridiculously over-sensitive. You were a. right and b. entirely reasonable to point out that there may be flaws in her plan.

She'll find out... and probably lose a lot of money into the bargain, the daft mare.

I fuvking hate this sort of behaviour I am by no means a motherhood martyr but why do people have children, let alone go through the pain of ivf, then think they can carry on with their lives regardless

My sil and bil are the same multiple long hauls a year trips to john lewis and meals out every weekend their 4yo is exhausted and seemingly broken by her parents expectations that she keeps up with them. ........at least they take her on holidAy though.

I think you were quite subtle in your conversations actually I'd have told her exactly what I thought. She's an idiot!!

We were going to book a honeymoon once our first DC was born. He's now 3.5 and I still wouldn't like to leave him for longer than a few nights.
Still haven't had a honeymoon!

I don't think she'll realise just how different she'll feel after she's had the baby. I had a c section and wouldn't have been up to a holiday at all, I was just about managing to leave the house! I was still bleeding, with an infection in my wound and mastitis.

I think you were right to be honest

Y were NBU and obviously hit a nerve, that sounds like a very defensive response to someone simply honestly answering a question. Maybe she's worried that she might be a bad mother and so has unreacted?

over reacted, not unreacted!

Does she know she might go 2 weeks past her due date, and so would be going on holiday 6 weeks after giving birth? Does she know its normal to bleed for some time after giving birth? Does she know that if she has a C-section she will have restrictions on what she can do? Does she know what an episiotomy is, and how that might affect her "honeymoon"?

I'm pretty sure other people will tell her why she might not feel up to a "honeymoon" 8 (or 6!) weeks post-birth. If she's pissed off with you now, she'll be less pissed off once other people have said the same thing (or she'll be pissed off with an awful lot of people!)

I do wonder if her defensive reaction has been because I'm not the first person to say it or she is doubting the decision herself. Possibly wrong again there but I can't help but think that if you were 100% in your choice that you wouldn't just brush it off as me being daft. Like I said I might be wrong.

Two weeks with a baby that young is a crazy idea for all the baby related and mum related reasons people have already noted. Huge imposition on the grandparents as well- huge. But if they've agreed to it could it be that there is some other factor in their lives that you don't know anything about that made them say yes? Is there any question they could be having marriage problems for example?

I think you were right to point out that she might feel differently about leaving a baby once she actually has one. But some people are happy to leave young babies and some are not. But most people wouldn't be happy to leave such a young baby for two weeks.

100% comfortable in your choice**

I probably would have said the same. I don't understand anyone who leaves such a young baby.