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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've pissed my friend off but didn't actually mean to...

168 replies

MeepMeepVrooooom · 26/01/2014 21:19

Ok, I'm going to make this is a quick as possible.

Friend got married last year, no honeymoon as she was starting IVF the week after. They had been planning to book a honeymoon for after DC had come along.

So today she told me they are booking a honeymoon for when DC will be around 8 weeks (providing she is on time). I commented that I hoped they would be able to get DC a passport in that time and then she said they aren't taking DC. They are booking 2 weeks in Morocco. I was pretty shocked and kindly pointed out that they maybe shouldn't book until after DC is born because they will maybe regret it and end up losing the money. She asked why so I told her the following:-

  1. She probably won't want to leave the baby when he/she is so little, and that it is a huge responsibility for the GPs.
  1. That depending on the type of birth she has and how DC is she might physically not be able to go.

Apparently through that she assuming that I will think she is a bad Mum if they do book. It's none of my business but no I don't think they should actually go and I don't think it is responsible for both parents to leave such a young DC to go away, honeymoon or not. I haven't actually said that. I was actually just trying to be helpful and point out flaws in her plans but that backfired.

Does anyone else think this is a weird thing to want to do? Does anyone think I overstepped the mark by pointing out the obvious what could cause them to lose money?

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 26/01/2014 22:11

YANBU. I would have said the same and meant well.

Poppylovescheese · 26/01/2014 22:15

YANBU she is mad

ColdTeaAgain · 26/01/2014 22:16

YANBU

Hate this sort of selfishness, who could leave their 8 week old for 2 weeks! And that's assuming baby is born on due date, if she goes over then baby might only be 6 weeks. I couldn't leave DD at 8 months lets alone 8 weeks. I take it with this holiday plan then she is not intending to breast feed for long, if at all? What if she changes her mind about that when baby arrives? I thought I'd breastfeed for about 4-6months but still going at 8 months, no intention of stopping yet. My point being, you just don't know how you will feel about any of these things until you get there. You were understandably trying to make her realise this.

And what a massive thing to put on the GPs too, its amazing that they have agreed to it tbh!

With any luck, once baby is here, they will realise how deluded they are being. If they go ahead with the holiday then I'm afraid I'll be putting on my biggest pair of judgy-pants about what sort of parents they are!

Gini99 · 26/01/2014 22:21

Would she be open to the suggestion of posting on here to see what other people think?

When I was pg with DC1 my MIL suggested that the whole family went away to a luxury 5* hotel spa break to celebrate her 60th birthday 4 weeks after my due date (with baby coming with us). I genuinely hadn't realised how utterly unlikely it would be that I would want to laze around a spa in a skimpy bikini until I posted here. I soon got a healthy dose of realism…(which proved rather accurate!)!

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 26/01/2014 22:21

I am glad it isn't just me. I was beginning to think that I had been terribly unreasonable.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 26/01/2014 22:22

I wouldn't apologise for frankly just being truthful. My God she's in for a culture shock when the baby does arrive...

and maybe I'm vain, but the idea of going out in public in a swimming costume 8 weeks after giving birth makes me cringe.

Sharaluck · 26/01/2014 22:23

No I don't think you overstepped the mark. She is stupid/naive to book one 8 weeks after her due date. What is the rush Confused.

I would suggest she book one after the baby is born and aim for when baby 4-8 months old.

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 26/01/2014 22:24

ColdTeaAgain I love your name. Yes I am resisting the judgy-pants but I am rather fond of them. In RL I can just about contain it but on MN they can at times be that high up I wear them like a necklace Wink especially in situations like this...

OP posts:
AberdeenAngusina · 26/01/2014 22:25

I think you'd be on safer ground if you stuck to the physical after-effects of birth. If she were my friend, I'd tell her about my SIL, who had an emergency C-section 12 days past her due date, who then caught an infection in hospital, was in hospital for over a week, and could barely leave her house for the next month.

Sixweekstowait · 26/01/2014 22:29

As a GP, I first started having dgs for the occasional overnight when he was about 11 months old. I slept with the baby monitor by my ear, if there was no sound, I went in to check on him ( several times a night) I was really, really overwhelmed with the responsibility - and I was a very confident mother. Being responsible for a gdc is a million times more scarey than looking after your own. I can't get my head round gps who could offer two weeks for an 8 week old baby- I would be dead from exhaustion after a week. And no YANBU but a good friend and btw, she'll never get insurance to cover cancellation due to any problems following the birth

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/01/2014 22:29

Ywnbu to point out the glaringly obvious flaws in her plans.

I don't even have children yet and am a bit Hmm, I would definitely say something similar to a friend who suggested the same.

ReticulatingSplines · 26/01/2014 22:29

DD is 5mo. I haven't been in a different building from her for longer than am hour. And I have no desire to be, yet.

She's not my PFB and I'm not, by any stretch of the imagination, a lentil-weaving hippy. It is NORMAL to want to spend lots of time with your baby.

Pigsmummy · 26/01/2014 22:30

I think that your friend is deluded, however you might not have been the best person to tell her that her plans were foolish.

You won't get travel insurance to cover this situation. Blame hormones

Sixweekstowait · 26/01/2014 22:31

Or dgc even

ChasedByBees · 26/01/2014 22:33

You were being a good friend. I'm not sure what she is thinking.

NachoAddict · 26/01/2014 22:33

Yanbu you were being a good friend fo point it out. I would have said the same.

Send the text saying you didn't mean to offend her and of course you don't think she will be a bad mum. Then leave it at that. You have offered your advice. I cant see her going on the holiday when the time comes but its their own fault if they lose the money now.

LEMmingaround · 26/01/2014 22:35

Thing is - i have no problem whatsoever with someone leaving an 8 week old baby with GPs for two weeks, non at all, the GPs will have a great time with the baby, the baby wont care, the parents will have a lovely time and everyone will be happy.

But this is because i am not pregnant or have a 8 week old baby - i know that if i were there was no way i could even consider it. you would not have dragged me away from my DD's until they were much much older. And that is the problem, does your friend really know if she will be able to leave her child? because before i was pregnant i would have thought it was easy - even when i was early pregnancy i was planning on going back to work as soon as possible. I changed my mind and was lucky enough not to have to. There would be no way i could have left them for two weeks at such a young age. It was about me not being able to be separated from the baby, not the baby not being able to separated from me. I didn't expect to feel that way.

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 26/01/2014 22:36

Bourdic I think your post is interesting from the other side. I know my parents adore DD and she is now 2.5 and I would still never dream of asking more than two nights, and that is at a push. Have done it once to provide training down south and I was champing at the bit to get home that was 3 months ago

If I asked for 2 weeks they would probably sit me down for a proper reality check.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 26/01/2014 22:38

She's bonkers and I highly doubt the trip will happen. If they lose money then they will learn the lesson won't they! Forget breastfeeding, it's just not normal or healthy to want to leave a newborn for 2 weeks. It will be dreadfully unsettling for the baby.

FrillyMilly · 26/01/2014 22:38

Surely a honeymoon is a holiday newly weds go on so quite frankly it is not a honeymoon. It's just a holiday without their baby. I cannot understand why anyone would go on holiday without their child especially not when they are so young. The point of having children is to be a family and families holiday together. If you don't want to holiday with kids then don't bloody have them. YANBU and if it was me I would definitely have offended her by being a lot more truthful and I wouldn't be worrying about it.

EirikurNoromaour · 26/01/2014 22:39

I'd speak to a friend if they were thinking if something so absurd. I don't blame you at all.

Charley50 · 26/01/2014 22:39

Fucking weird and I also don't think you should apologise to her as you are totally right in what you said to her.

Biscuitsneeded · 26/01/2014 22:48

I think you could also look into the very quickest way they could acquire a passport when it comes to it (as it most likely will), subtly find out if the destination would be in any way baby-friendly (availability of travel cot etc), and pre-sign the passport applications stating how long you have known your friend so that she can get her application in quickly when she realises she can't possibly leave her baby behind! I'm assuming an air company would be able to add a baby at a late stage to a booking as it won't need a seat on the plane. Thank god newborns are so portable when compared to older babies!

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 26/01/2014 22:49

YANBU for being honest. Babies dont adhere to schedules and you cant plan until they are there, you have no idea how your can feel, emotionally and physically, until they arrive.

She might be upset, but atleast she had the honest view, that babies almost never go to plan.

BigBoobiedBertha · 26/01/2014 22:50

YANBU but you know that.

Do you know this friend's DH? Should he not be seeing the flaws in the plan too? Or perhaps he is the driving this and your friend got annoyed because she isn't keen either but she feels she should be because her husband wants to go on their honeymoon. It isn't an ordinary holiday after all. If she looks less than keen to go maybe she doesn't think she looks so committed to the marriage. Or maybe her DH thinks he will continue to come first after the baby born and thinks she should just leave the baby and do what he wants. There could be all sort of relationship issues you know nothing about. That does make you any less right but your friend might have pressures you know nothing about.