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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For thinking my sister was too haste in cutting off family members after a racist remark?

175 replies

dolphinlover · 24/01/2014 22:26

I'm an American who is married to an Englishman. We live in England. My sister back home is engaged to an African-American man. Several days before (back home) there was a family gathering (my sister and her fiance attended). A football game was on and after the game, during an interview a black player went on a rant against another player he had been in conflict with throughout the game. Our uncle then said, "typical n-words" in response to the interview. My sister's fiance was in the bathroom at the time and my uncle thought my sister was in the kitchen with the other girls but she was in the doorway and she heard loud and clear. Immediately after she heard that, she left with her fiance.

I know, the remark was very, very disgusting. My uncle comes from my father's side (brothers). My father's side are much more conservative than my mother's side. A few members from my dad's side were uncomfortable when she first started dating her fiance. But we sat down as a family and talked it out.

There's quite a bit of conflict in the family in the aftermath. My sister had a huge argument with our cousins (our uncle's children). They said he didn't mean it in the way he did. Which I don't really believe. How can you say that word and not mean what you intended? The intention was there.

But I think my sister has been too haste. She's basically cut that part of the family off and says she never wants anything to do with them. I come from a large family that is close for the most part. I just think it would be better for her to calm down (she's still furious - understandably so) and then make a definite conclusion.

OP posts:
Iamavapernow · 24/01/2014 22:29

This whole thing stinks.

Has he apologised at all? Is he ashamed of what he said?

Littlefish · 24/01/2014 22:30

I'm don't think she has been hasty. His comments were vile. The fact that you had to sit down and discuss the fact that your sister's partner was African amercian show how deep rooted the family prejudice is.

bootsycollins · 24/01/2014 22:31

Your sister is under no obligation to sweep your uncle's casual racism under the carpet.

TheXxed · 24/01/2014 22:31

No she wasn't.

nailslikeknives · 24/01/2014 22:32

Your sister is right and your uncle is racist. Why would she and her chap want anything to do with him? Or people who condone or excuse his attitude?

Supercosy · 24/01/2014 22:33

My dp is black. If anyone in my family used that kind of language I would not be hanging around them and it would be disgusting if I expected my dp to do so. I agree with your sister.

ApacheIndian · 24/01/2014 22:34

She is absolutely right. Think. Think really hard about why this behaviour is objectionable. Then say that someone on the receiving end of that behaviour should be more understanding, and that it can be excused. Over a football game!

Jeez. Can't believe people still query this kind of thing. And I am an Englishwoman married to an American.

Sadoldbag · 24/01/2014 22:34

You are too hasty to sweep your uncles rasict comment under the carpet and dismiss your bil feelings.

I am in a mixed marriage and part of the deal is any one who is rasicst get locked off I don't know how your were raised but in my family we don't tolrate that sort of thing

DameFanny · 24/01/2014 22:35

All of that ^^

Yabu

Bluestocking · 24/01/2014 22:35

She wasn't too hasty. If anything, she should have cut that part of the family out of her life at the time she discovered they weren't able to accept her being in a living and committed relationship with a black man. What nasty people they must be, she's well rid of them.

OddFodd · 24/01/2014 22:35

That's not casual racism. That's out and out racial hatred. Your uncle is the one who should be making amends, not your sister.

JeanSeberg · 24/01/2014 22:35

I think she was unreasonable to continue to have anything to do with them at the point it was deemed necessary to sit down as a family and talk about her dating a black man.

Why are you making excuses for him?

Ifcatshadthumbs · 24/01/2014 22:36

I'm sure it would be much nicer for you all if your sister ignored her "conservative" uncle and pretended he wasn't a racist twat.

Tbh I would have cut you all off at the point you felt it necessary to sit down as a family and talk it out

spindlyspindler · 24/01/2014 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 24/01/2014 22:36

How on earth can you say how awful what he said way but then say your sister is the one in the wrong? Is it because it might make life difficult for you?

You should be backing your sister up but failing that you should at least stay out of it rather then judging her

Truffkin · 24/01/2014 22:37

She is not being unreasonable at all. I would not expect my partner to play nice with people who were so disrespectful to him.

spindlyspindler · 24/01/2014 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeAllHaveWings · 24/01/2014 22:38

Unless your fathers side can convince you sis they are no longer racists and crawl to her apologising for their appalling behaviour I don't blame her one bit.

They had their chance after you all sat down and talked it out her being with her df (can't believe that conversation took place in this day and age!) and they blew it big time.

Good for he sticking up to them!

Preciousbane · 24/01/2014 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 24/01/2014 22:38

Oh and please stop minimilising it by using words like "conservative" and "uncomfortable with her dating an African American"

Sadoldbag · 24/01/2014 22:38

Oh and op the fact you expect your sister and bil to just suck it yup says a lot about your attitude towards race.

Making this about her and his reaction rather than what your uncle said as if they being unreasonable have a Biscuit

Your post has actually made me rather cross

annielouisa · 24/01/2014 22:39

I think she has not been hasty and what was said is disgusting and she needed to put some distance between herself and her DF and such dreadful people.

3bunnies · 24/01/2014 22:41

We always pull FIL on his 'casual racism'. We don't want our dc thinking it is ok. I think your sister was right to leave. I guess it is up to her whether she sees them again but I think an apology would be essrntial rather than saying he didn't mean anything by it.

Cactuar · 24/01/2014 22:42

I too have an uncle who uses the "n" word. I do not make excuses for him - I just think he is a complete and utter racist wanker and I do not see him at all now

JeanSeberg · 24/01/2014 22:42

The more I read this, the more angry I am on your sister's behalf!

What the fuck was discussed at this family meeting when you 'talked it out'? Did you go to that meeting? If so, why?

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