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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For thinking my sister was too haste in cutting off family members after a racist remark?

175 replies

dolphinlover · 24/01/2014 22:26

I'm an American who is married to an Englishman. We live in England. My sister back home is engaged to an African-American man. Several days before (back home) there was a family gathering (my sister and her fiance attended). A football game was on and after the game, during an interview a black player went on a rant against another player he had been in conflict with throughout the game. Our uncle then said, "typical n-words" in response to the interview. My sister's fiance was in the bathroom at the time and my uncle thought my sister was in the kitchen with the other girls but she was in the doorway and she heard loud and clear. Immediately after she heard that, she left with her fiance.

I know, the remark was very, very disgusting. My uncle comes from my father's side (brothers). My father's side are much more conservative than my mother's side. A few members from my dad's side were uncomfortable when she first started dating her fiance. But we sat down as a family and talked it out.

There's quite a bit of conflict in the family in the aftermath. My sister had a huge argument with our cousins (our uncle's children). They said he didn't mean it in the way he did. Which I don't really believe. How can you say that word and not mean what you intended? The intention was there.

But I think my sister has been too haste. She's basically cut that part of the family off and says she never wants anything to do with them. I come from a large family that is close for the most part. I just think it would be better for her to calm down (she's still furious - understandably so) and then make a definite conclusion.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 24/01/2014 23:11

Well done MrDolphinLover. Well said.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 24/01/2014 23:11

I cant blame her, she is engaged to a black man and may decide to have children who will be mixed race. How do you think she feels knowing her uncle would think this way about her dh and future dc.

I think hes lucky she didnt give him a piece of her mind and maybe a smack in the mouth

CailinDana · 24/01/2014 23:12

Your dh is spot on. I am surprised you don't agree. Btw your relatives aren't conservative they're racist fuckheads.

Capricorn76 · 24/01/2014 23:15

What I can't understand is why these weirdos call themselves 'Conservatives' and 'Christians' when they're just primitive racists? Oh and bravo to your sister she doesn't need negativity like that in her life.

NigellasDealer · 24/01/2014 23:18

Incidentally my DH thinks my sister should just tell them all to "go fk themselves
sounds like a plan

nailslikeknives · 24/01/2014 23:18

Dolphin, your DH has a point.
If your uncle really wants to make amends, maybe he should apologise to your sister and her future husband. He may not have been in the room, but he was insulted.
Do you think there is anyway to change your uncle and the 'conservative' section of your family's thinking?
Maybe a family meeting which tackles racism, rather than your sister's choice of husband. After all, they may well have children who should experience a large loving family unit, not have to tolerate racism in order to be part of the larger family.

fraiserno · 24/01/2014 23:20

YABU. I would be proud if she were my sister and join her. Why has no-one taken a stand like her?

Asheth · 24/01/2014 23:20

So it was already known that your uncle and other members of the family view your sisters fiance as if he is different, and not in a good way, from the other men she has dated. In spite of that your sister wanted them to get to know her fiance and they repayed her with racist, offensive language. And then you wonder why they've been cut out?

Can you imagine how hurtful and embarressing this behaviour could be at her wedding if these comments are made in front of her ILs?

HauntedNoddyCar · 24/01/2014 23:21

Time and time again on the relationships board you sew people complaining that their partner or spouse doesn't stand up for them in the face of awful behaviour from the ILs.

Your sister is doing the right thing by her dp and morally. And it's her choice anyway.

IRCL · 24/01/2014 23:23

YABU.

What do you think will change after she "calms down"?

she doesn't need to IMO.

I'd be cutting them off too, they sound vulgar.

DoJo · 24/01/2014 23:25

Apart from anything, if they want to have children in the future, she would be mad to let them spend any time around people who espouse those views. Why not save themselves a few years of rage by getting out now>

Cleorapter · 24/01/2014 23:26

Your sister sounds awesome, and your family are racists however you choose to describe them.

My DP is black and the OP made me incredibly angry, I cannot imagine how angry your sister is!

Saharap2 · 24/01/2014 23:29

wtf at the family meeting to discuss her dating him. I am white my DP is black and if my family sat down to "talk it out" about that my mind would boggle. Your sis is in the right. Of course they don't want to be around people with racist attitudes, even if the uncle watches his mouth he has proven himself to have racist views so no wonder they feel uncomfortable with him now.

dolphinlover · 24/01/2014 23:30

Nails He's tried to apologise (called) but she won't answer. My mother has taken the same stance as her regarding cutting them off. She's never really gotten along with that side of our family.

Asheth, you make a very good point.

OP posts:
TheMaw · 24/01/2014 23:37

If your uncle can casually use words like that, would he really mean it if he apologised? Like, would he genuinely be sorry or would he just say if for the sake of family harmony?

I'm another one who is completely on your sister's side, I actually wish you'd show her this thread so she can see the support. And you had a family meeting to discuss who she was seeing? WTAF? Was she there?

dolphinlover · 24/01/2014 23:42

Maw, To be fair thinking about it entirely objectively, I can't gauge whther he owuld be genuine or not. And yes, my sis was present. Like I said what was spoken about wasn't overtly racial but anyone in the family would know that if she'd been dating a white guy, it wouldn't have warranted such "interest."

OP posts:
nailslikeknives · 24/01/2014 23:42

Hm. Well done your Mum.
This is not an easy issue, family never is.
As the uncle was in the wrong, it's up to him to keep trying.
I can understand your sister not wanting to talk to him. Maybe he should try writing a letter. Then she can read it if she wants without having to engage him. It really is up to him, not her, to keep trying.
FWIW, we once reported someone to the police for a similar verbal racial slur. There's more to it than that, but I don't want to hijack your thread. He got off but hopefully he will think again before being so openly racist.

dolphinlover · 24/01/2014 23:44

Nails, regarding about changing them, that remains to be seen. Being completely objective, I can't really give a definitive yes or a definitive no.

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 24/01/2014 23:47

I don't think there'd be much point to be honest - he'll still be a tosser when she's calm. I am sober and an outsider, and I think her actions are perfectly rational. His opinions are engrained if he speaks casually like that. I especially wouldn't want them there for the wedding.

CailinDana · 24/01/2014 23:48

Dolphin if a member of your dh's family said "typical yanky cunt" about an American woman on TV what would you expect him to do?

NigellasDealer · 24/01/2014 23:51
Shock true though
nailslikeknives · 24/01/2014 23:52

Hey Dolphin, Fair enough, you are not 'them'.
Challenging the thinking is the first step.
Asking them how they'd support their future family members when they experience racism could be one of the next.

At some point (and unfortunately, I think already) my offspring will experience racism. I can't eradicate it, but I can challenge it, every single time, until they are old enough to stand up for themselves. Even then, I'll be right behind them, verbally beheading the racists with my acid tongue. No smiley face.

GoneOnHolidayByMistake · 24/01/2014 23:57

Good for your sister. There is no over reaction in this case. Your uncle is racist and probably won't change his ways, why should she have to put up with that for the rest of his life?

Jinsei · 25/01/2014 00:06

Good for your sister and her mum. I doubt that your uncle will change. They're better off without them.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 25/01/2014 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.