For thinking my sister was too haste in cutting off family members after a racist remark?

[dolphinlover]

I'm an American who is married to an Englishman. We live in England. My sister back home is engaged to an African-American man. Several days before (back home) there was a family gathering (my sister and her fiance attended). A football game was on and after the game, during an interview a black player went on a rant against another player he had been in conflict with throughout the game. Our uncle then said, "typical n-words" in response to the interview. My sister's fiance was in the bathroom at the time and my uncle thought my sister was in the kitchen with the other girls but she was in the doorway and she heard loud and clear. Immediately after she heard that, she left with her fiance.

I know, the remark was very, very disgusting. My uncle comes from my father's side (brothers). My father's side are much more conservative than my mother's side. A few members from my dad's side were uncomfortable when she first started dating her fiance. But we sat down as a family and talked it out.

There's quite a bit of conflict in the family in the aftermath. My sister had a huge argument with our cousins (our uncle's children). They said he didn't mean it in the way he did. Which I don't really believe. How can you say that word and not mean what you intended? The intention was there.

But I think my sister has been too haste. She's basically cut that part of the family off and says she never wants anything to do with them. I come from a large family that is close for the most part. I just think it would be better for her to calm down (she's still furious - understandably so) and then make a definite conclusion.

I don't see that there is any way back from what your uncle said, OP. He has expressed what are quite clearly some deep-rooted views that black people are in some way so inferior to white people that, when they do something he doesn't like, it is appropriate to effectively say "oh well, what do you expect?"

He isn't "conservative" - he is racist, pure and simple.

I can't imagine the dynamic in your family is much fun if extended family are so over-involved in relative's lives that they sit down and have a meeting about someone's relationship choices. What exactly did they expect to happen if they hadn't been able to reach some sort of resolution? Should the relationship have ended? It all sounds a bit oppressive, to be honest.

If someone had used that word in front of me, I would have left and had nothing more to do with them until an in-depth, properly thought-out apology was forthcoming. I am white, as is my DP. However, as a member of a multi-cultural society - and a multi-cultural world for that matter - I am hugely offended by people who express hateful, shit-stirring views.

Uh he is a racist. He didn't accidentally say the word he accidentally got caught showing you all what he was. Which is fucking disgusting.

Her children will be biracial, op. Think about it. Why would she want racist in her family?

I'm with little fish. I don't think she was being haste at all.

Maybe be he has never had much in the way of personal dealings with blacks? Maybe having one enter the family might persuade him that actually we are all the same as human beings? If he is basically a nice person apart from that, then why cut him out? I do agree that an apology needs to be made though & that he needs to tell your sister's partner that he will make him welcome.

Also. I have two biracial children. If I heard a family member say the n word within earshot. I'd be straight out the door too. In fact even if I didn't I would have Still promptly left. Like somebody else upthread said its not conservative. I can't believe I had to explain a few months ago to a male friend why his colleague ended up getting hauled into the office for a remark he made whilst on work premises. Its backwards thinking.

He needs to understand what he did wrong, and properly apologise, and mean it!

Perfectly reasonable.

he is basically a nice person apart from that,

No one is basically a nice person a part from hating people for their skin color. And if he has "never had any personal dealings with blacks" why would that be an excuse for not liking someone? I don't know any Swedes... I haven't decided I hate them and use really foul language to describe them based on not knowing any

The op and he husband are not responsible for reteaching this man to be a human

No one is basically a nice person a part from hating people for their skin color.

Well quite.

I really don't like the tone of your post RedHelen, "dealings with black s"?! Maybe Op's sister and her fiance are not interested in staying around and persuading a grown man that black people are worthy of respect in the same way as white people. He does not sound like an otherwise good person at all.

'Personal dealings' .

AmGrowing, I take your point about people of different generations not being up to date with the right language to use, eg "handicapped".

However, even setting aside the bizarre family meeting, the N word was prefaced with "typical", ie it was being used in a pejorative way, as an insult.

I'm always happy to educate anyone who has fallen behind in terms of acceptable terminology, as I would expect to be educated myself, but this issue is beyond that.

And OP, there is no calming down to be done, your sister and her OP are better off without that side of your family.

"But we sat down as a family and talked it out."-good grief!

"My sister's fiance was in the bathroom at the time and my uncle thought my sister was in the kitchen " so he was hoping they wouldn't hear-that somehow makes it worse.

Well done to your sister.

You are talking about America?
Is a core racist attitude alive and thriving? believe it.
If you knocked on every door in your uncles state to take a survey, (and people were actually honest) would you find thousands of people who share his philosophy? undoubtedly.

Was your sister fully justified in walking away? absolutely.
Should you be backing her to the hilt? absolutely.

BUT ......
walking away changes nothing. It reinforces the attitudes because lets take a guess about who they will consider to be at fault for the family division. Can't you just hear it ...... "she was fine until she met that black guy".
The only way to change how people (of that generation and attitude) feel is to confront it head on and force acknowledgement and respect. To leave them with no room for belief that skin colour makes people different, and no corner left to hide racism in.

That's a pretty big challenge for any young couple to take on. I don't blame your sister for her choice. And hats off to your mother for doing the right thing and supporting her daughter. I hope your father is being equally supportive.

Imnot sure about the generational thing. I know quite a few people in their twenties and thirties that have that mindset. The very person who I thought might have been problematic was the one who adores the DCs the most. She's a very middle class 78yo and loves the bones off them :)

Maybe a family meeting which tackles racism, rather than your sister's choice of husband.
^
This. That meeting seems to have been centred round the perceived "problem" about your sister's choice of husband. But the real, major problem in that family is the racism of some members, particularly your uncle. So how about calling a meeting to talk about that?

By the way, were your sister and her fiance the only people to walk out after your uncle's remark? If so, that's a real shame.

Nope. I admire her for taking a stand.

He's a racist, support your sister and her DP.

I don't agree that walking away does nothing. It gives a very clear message that this language/behaviour is not ok and does not have to be brushed aside or tolerated. As a gay woman (and for my dp as a black gay woman) there are countless situations in our lives where we can't just walk away (work, neighbours etc) and yes, our simply staying there and being the nice, caring people that we are has probably changed sone people's minds but it's not our job to do it all the time.

If this woman a d her fiance had stayed they would either have to put up with more of the same or be constantly engaging in arguments with other family members. Maybe they don't relish that prospect.

I don't agree that walking away does nothing. It gives a clear message that this language/behaviour is not ok. ^This!

Wow. Good on your sister. As a family, you all sat down and talked about her dating an African American. Nice. Did she know this had happened?!

I come from South Africa and I know that if I had dated a black person certain parts of my family would be shocked to their very core. But that's South Africa which is struggling to come to terms with its very racist past. Not America which, you'd hope would be a bit more fucking enlightened.

Fwiw, I don't have any dealings with that part of my family because I don't want my DS to ever hear that sort of language or to even think that that is remotely acceptable. If I were you, OP, I would have collected my DC and walked out with her.

My children are mixed race, anyone who felt the need go to a family meeting about dh an I would be cut off. You Sound as racist as your family tbh.

I think this is cultural, DolphinLover, asking on a British site is getting you the very moral high ground reactions. I am American, too, with a massive family & my gut feeling is that you have your loud row to make it clear how unacceptable that behaviour is, then agree not to speak about it & move on with frosty relations but not a complete cutoff. Hate the sin but love the sinner and all that. This is what I'd say about any disgusting behaviour, not just racist attitudes.

Give your sis time and protect your own relationships, don't take sides in this row.

Maybe you or your sis could send your uncle and his side of the family a reading list/DVD list of media that could help him change from being a racist. Watch 12 years a slave, read about lynchings and the murder of Emmet Till and the Tuskeegee experiment, read To Kill a Mockingbird, the history of Martin Luther King and take a family visit to the King Centre in Atlanta, that kind of thing. Have them so some homework and thoroughly explore their racist attitudes and see if they can't broaden their minds. Then have a amity meeting tackling racism.

A simple apology won't do here. They either have to put in the work to change or else accept being cut off. Your sister is completely in the right here. Perhaps they can change but it won't be easy for them. However it's their choice to change their minds, not up to our sister.