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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For thinking my sister was too haste in cutting off family members after a racist remark?

175 replies

dolphinlover · 24/01/2014 22:26

I'm an American who is married to an Englishman. We live in England. My sister back home is engaged to an African-American man. Several days before (back home) there was a family gathering (my sister and her fiance attended). A football game was on and after the game, during an interview a black player went on a rant against another player he had been in conflict with throughout the game. Our uncle then said, "typical n-words" in response to the interview. My sister's fiance was in the bathroom at the time and my uncle thought my sister was in the kitchen with the other girls but she was in the doorway and she heard loud and clear. Immediately after she heard that, she left with her fiance.

I know, the remark was very, very disgusting. My uncle comes from my father's side (brothers). My father's side are much more conservative than my mother's side. A few members from my dad's side were uncomfortable when she first started dating her fiance. But we sat down as a family and talked it out.

There's quite a bit of conflict in the family in the aftermath. My sister had a huge argument with our cousins (our uncle's children). They said he didn't mean it in the way he did. Which I don't really believe. How can you say that word and not mean what you intended? The intention was there.

But I think my sister has been too haste. She's basically cut that part of the family off and says she never wants anything to do with them. I come from a large family that is close for the most part. I just think it would be better for her to calm down (she's still furious - understandably so) and then make a definite conclusion.

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 25/01/2014 12:58

He's not conservative, hes racist.
I find it interesting that you think racism is being conservative . By extension then , to not be racist is to be 'liberal' ?

How much racism is too much then, if what they have done to date - not just that comment, but all the foulness leading up to it - is not enough to warrent being told to get out of her life?

2 racist remarks? 3? 4 racist remarks and some further interrogation?

if my family had dared to make one comment or enquiry that I even suspected was rooted in racism, it would have been the last time they ever set eyes on me. Thankfully my husband is just a person and not a Black Person. But if they by their actions or words had made me choose, it would not have gone well for them.

your sister has done that. Why on earth would she want racists in her life? If they have children, how is she going to think your family think and feel about them?

so no. Your sister is not being too hasty. She forgave more than I would have done, for a start.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 25/01/2014 13:06

A family meeting over colour? Were banjos played?

One of my uncles is "not from round here". He introduced himself (and his background) with "we gave up cannibalism when we took to Methodism". Then he drank my Dad under the table. Instant blood brotherhood.

Nancy66 · 25/01/2014 13:06

The N word is never anything other than offensive and inappropriate.

My elderly grandmother says 'coloured' which is horrible and we correct her but she still does it and says that the word she's always used. I forgive her, she's 90 and she's not going to change now and she means no harm.

this is different though. he's a racist.

Supercosy · 25/01/2014 13:16

Great post ISee.

Supercosy · 25/01/2014 13:25

Great post ISee.

Supercosy · 25/01/2014 13:25

Great post ISee.

ComposHat · 25/01/2014 13:31

Yes 'coloured' is a dated term and stems ftom a time when making reference to a nom-white person's origins was considered impolite. Use of a term like this would imply that their view of race relations were formed in an earlier time.

A person using the term 'nigger' especially in a US context is so grossly offensive and is unambiguously used as a slur and used to demean and wound others. It isn't the product of a conservative upbringing or a generation gap, but the words of a vile bigoted human veing.

StressedOutDad · 25/01/2014 13:36

My xmil used to refer to herself as coloured. For her I can see why it was the best label as she was adopted at 1 and didn't identify at all with the genetic continent of origin and black wasn't something she identified with at all, it wasn't culturally or descriptive.

An aunt of mine who held a lot of hard on the nerves views said 'working like blacks' at a family do. Couldn't believe it. It wasn't my place to challenge her though, she wasn't my mother. If either of my own parents had said it I would have said something.

gotthemoononastick · 25/01/2014 14:01

A 'family meeting'!!!!? Dear God,will this stuff never be over?

MothratheMighty · 25/01/2014 14:33

Her racist uncle has forced the choice on her, and she chose her future husband. So she wasn't hasty IMO, she's selecting who will be in their lives and the lives of her children, based on her preferences.
The uncle should have valued their relationship much higher, but if that's how he feels about black people, I don't see how a compromise is going to be possible.
Your sister must be a very strong woman, I hope the rest of her family appreciate her, and which of the two needs to change.

MothratheMighty · 25/01/2014 14:37

Show your sister this thread, it might help her understand that she is the rational one if she's being gaslighted by the rest of 'the family'

MothratheMighty · 25/01/2014 14:39

I feel like sending her my Hotel Chocolat order as a gesture of solidarity.
Your DH sounds like a sensible chap too. How does he feel about his inlaws?

nkf · 25/01/2014 14:40

Yeah.That uncle's behaviour has been noted, probably for the first time. She's well shot of the lot of you. She's made a choice and you none of you like it. What's she supposed to do? Hope you come round? Hope you never say things like that in front of her husband or her future children?

elQuintoConyo · 25/01/2014 15:22

I was your sister. I cut family off. Snip snip, off you fuck little cunts (although it was xenophobic, not racist).
It caused a big shitstorm - but means I don't deal with their shit anymore.

I am absolutely agog at your sister's situation, wtf was said at the 'family meeting'? Really?

I'd like your sister to know that so many people support her and her fiancé and that she's doing the right thing Thanks

Joysmum · 25/01/2014 16:03

Isee

To be fair on the OP, she is American and the term 'conservative' chad a different meaning in USA.

Joysmum · 25/01/2014 16:03

Wtf! 'Has' not 'chad' Blush

NotJustACigar · 25/01/2014 16:05

Not all republicans in the US are racist, though, to be fair to the ones who are just assholes Grin

steff13 · 25/01/2014 16:18

Racism in the US knows no political boundaries, there are both Republican and Democrat racists.

I am an American, a conservative, and I have never used the n-word, and I would not associate myself with anyone who did. I think the OP's sister is doing the right thing. The use of that word represents an attitude towards black people that is hateful and unacceptable. Her fiance is going to soon become her husband, and potentially the father of her children. They shouldn't have to be exposed to that sort of attitude.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/01/2014 16:28

I don't think she has been too hasty at all. My Dad was Irish and when a relative by marriage started expressing some very nasty views about the anyone who wasn't white English my Dad threw him out out the house within minutes and never spoke to him again. My Dad was an OAP and devout Christian. Racism is racism, age and religion are no excuse.

alphabook · 25/01/2014 16:43

I don't blame your sister one bit, and good on her for taking a stand. I don't see any way forward from this - how is she and her fiance supposed to smile politely next time they see your uncle at a family occasion, knowing what he thinks of him? His apologies are meaningless as he's only sorry he got caught, his attitude isn't going to change.

Your sister is committing her life to this man, which means she should be putting him first, as she has done.

alphabook · 25/01/2014 16:44

And I agree with other posters that calling them "conservatives" is just minimising. They are not conservatives, they are racists.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 25/01/2014 17:37

I agree with everyone else on this thread!

I don't think you're racist or as bad as the uncle though, I think it's a shock when your family gets torn apart, and it's a hard thing to accept. But it is your uncle who has done this, not your sister, and she won't have reacted like this without understanding the consequences.

I think you should talk to your sister, and listen to how she feels, and be careful your yearning for the situation to gp away doesn't come across as siding with unacceptable behaviour based on hatred.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 25/01/2014 17:40

Oh yes and being conservative or religious are not to be confused with being racist. A racist is a racist and when they try and hide behind other terms they are trying to confuse and paint their hatred and bigotry as somehow normalised.

OhMerGerd · 26/01/2014 05:54

So yes you are BU OP.

Out of interest now that you've read these responses how do you intend to proceed from here?

Only asking because I often wonder whether once people do get a genuine YABU on MN it leads to anything in Real Life.

MusicalEndorphins · 26/01/2014 07:13

The uncle is totally in the wrong and your sister was not hasty at all. His kids may not want to believe he is racist, but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....

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