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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that two 18 yr olds can walk for 5 minutes

218 replies

YeahRightWhatever · 22/01/2014 19:20

DS has a new g/f who lives about 5 minutes walk away, on busy-ish roads, well-lit etc. Her parents are really over-protective IMO, she is driven everywhere and has never been on a bus or a train on her own or even with friends. Anyway,they are not happy with her walking home from here even if DS goes with her - especially in the dark but transpires they are not even happy with her walking in broad daylight. We live in a very average town in the shires with no particular crime issues. My DDs (now in 20s) were allowed much more freedom at the same age. So whenever she is here either we have to drive her home, which means we can never have a glass of wine, and frankly I resent starting the car for such a short trip or she has to get one of her parents to collect her, and depending on what they're doing there can be quite a delay, and a few times now this has impinged on our own arrangements. Overall this is starting to really annoy me - they are 18 FGS. Am reluctant to rock the boat as gf is lovely. AIBU to think they are being ridiculous? But even if IANBU I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
lia66 · 23/01/2014 12:22

I left a small village at 16 on a coach that cost £17 using a paper one year passport ( remember those? ) and travelled to Switzerland to work as an au pair for a family id never met. When that didn't work out 6 mths down the line, I worked out how to move on and get another job.

When I wanted to come home I hitch hiked from Switzerland to the north of England. :)

Obviously times have changed re hitch hiking etc but still.

If you know her well enough by now I'd actually tell her her parents are being ridiculous a tad over protective and as far as you're concerned, ds can walk her home in future.

bohemiangirl not everyone wants to mix with joe public! Wow

StealthPolarBear · 23/01/2014 12:29

Merrymouse not to mention yiung men are more likely than young women to be victims of violent crime. So shs should walk him home

OTheHugeManatee · 23/01/2014 12:29

Aged 15 I was catching the train to London, alone, to busk on the Underground. Aged 18 I was cycling round France with my boyfriend.

This girl's parents are doing her no favours, and you won't be helping either if you enable this madness.

sashh · 23/01/2014 12:32

Suggest she stays over, they will have a fit then let her be walked home.

hopskipandthump · 23/01/2014 12:33

Well, I don't see why you need to drive. If I were you, I'd walk the girl home, not drive her. If it's 5 minutes, that's no great shakes (though I appreciate why it is annoying to do!)

That way - if it is the girlfriend just being lazy/a bit precious and wanting to be driven to save herself the walk, she'll soon get tired of it. And if it's the parents, they may start to see it's a bit silly too.

You can walk like a security person, 50 yards behind DS and his GF. I expect they will feel quite silly (more silly than being driven). The first few times you can see her right to the door and say hello to her parents. (that will give you an opportunity to find out if it's them or her that wants the walk home).

Next move is to stand further away. Wave at her parents from the street. Then start stopping 100 yards away and watching them to the door. And so on. Gradual withdrawal, like with a baby/toddler going to sleep Grin

That's what I'd do. Since, in my situation, it would mean the guide dog coming too, I expect everyone would start to feel quite silly quite soon! Not suggesting you borrow a guide dog, but...

YouTheCat · 23/01/2014 12:34

Bohemian, I hate to break it to you, but you are Joe public. Grin

It's a 5 minute walk. Those saying learn to drive/get a taxi seem a bit odd to me. Would you really make a journey that short in a car anyway?

AngelaDaviesHair · 23/01/2014 12:39

I only mentioned learning to drive because if the parents have extreme safety concerns they need to find ways to help her get around rather than expect other parents and acquaintances to join their weirdness.

But ultimately OP, just detach from the issue and let the girl and her parents work it out (that would include, for me, telling her it is time for her to go home rather than let her hang around the house all day/evening waiting for a lift).

StealthPolarBear · 23/01/2014 12:40

Well the op doesnt need to involbe the parents at all. Just the 18 year old woman herself. It cannot, at 18yr old be a favour to the parents.

MrsKoala · 23/01/2014 12:43

For me the main issue would be having her hang around and hinder whatever plans you have, while waiting for her parents to pick her up. This may not be going out, but something you wish to do in the house (ie Son do homework, you and DH drink wine and watch tele/have wild sex) so you can hardly say can you leave now and make her sit on the doorstep.

I would not offer a lift (drink wine if you want, but even if not i still wouldn't), and i would probably say 'we have something to do tonight at x o'clock, so DS can walk you home or can you make sure your parents pick you up by then'. I would then just leave it at that. If her parents hadn't arrived or she says they can't, i'd say 'that's fine, ds will walk you or i know a taxi number if you feel you can't manage it'. Then at that time get coats and say goodbye to her.

I had a friend whose house became the teenage hangout. Her mum was quite tough (but still lovely) and would assertively say things like 'you all have to leave at xpm' then knock on the door 5 mins before and say 'you have to be out within 5 mins'. We all accepted it.

motherinferior · 23/01/2014 12:44

Yep, just disengage. This is not your problem. (I realise that in practice it is being your problem, obviously.) If you're going out, go. If she's going home, wave goodbye while pouring yourself a second glass of wine. If you're about to eat, start.

littlewhitebag · 23/01/2014 12:45

Op, i would back the hell off and tell them to make their own arrangement to get her home. They are adults and it is not your responsibility to run her home. Tell your DS firmly that from now now he and his gf can sort out her return or he can go to her house to see her and walk home afterwards. You really must stop even considering taking her home. Get the wine opened!!

My DD (16) is going to a party 15 miles away on Friday and offered to get a taxi home so i could have my Friday wine! (I am collecting her though!)

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/01/2014 12:48

They have no right to dictate that you drive her home!!

If you call them to pick her up and they can't leave within 5 minutes you tell them that isn't convenient and your son will walk her home or she can wait on the drive.

Quenelle · 23/01/2014 12:50

Oh this is just nuts. At 18 I was sharing a house with friends. At 14 I would certainly be expected to manage a 5 minute walk home during the day, and at a reasonably safe time of night.

How on earth is this person going to learn how to be an adult?

But also OP, you have to treat your son and his girlfriend as adults, by leaving them to work this out for themselves. Just have a glass of wine, detach yourself from any involvement with the logistics of their relationship, and carry on with your life.

Anniegoestotown · 23/01/2014 12:50

I feel like a bad parent because I let dd get the Tube into central London each day and back again at night for school. Which included walking down Oxford street each morning and evening. I also let her and her friend wander around Bluewater on their own. Aged 10.

Could it be that looking like a supermodel might have anything to do with it?

merrymouse · 23/01/2014 12:56

Completely agree about walking her home. Could you make a late New Year's resolution to be more environmentally friendly? No need to hold back on the wine then. You could kill 2 birds with one stone by being super sociable and coming in for a cup of tea when they get home which would give you more info on her background/encourage them to pick her up on time.

merrymouse · 23/01/2014 12:59

Although I also agree with others that if you are sharing a home with adult children, that within reason they need to just get on with things and you need to get on with your life when their friends are in the house.

StealthPolarBear · 23/01/2014 13:02

What do you mean annie?

glasgowsteven · 23/01/2014 13:03

Walking them home is a good idea - then it happens under your time scale

StealthPolarBear · 23/01/2014 13:04

And I spent a lot of time at dhs parents house as a teen and even lived there for a while. They were (are) lovely and did loads to help us out even ignoring the rent free accommodation! But it was our responsibility - if we (say) wanted a lift somewhere and they could they did. If it messed with their plans then we founf another way.

Quinteszilla · 23/01/2014 13:07

Look, it is easy, if HER parents (or she is lazy and blames her parents) disagree with her walking, then THEY take responsibility for her transport. Not you. Not your son.

Just tell her you wont be driving her, and that she can phone her parents, or get a cab.

I am sure her folks will be more lax about the whole driving issue if they have to take responsibility for her lifts.

You are doing her a favour, really. And you are doing your son a favour, if she is to be the one, so please pick this spoilt princess attitude of her.

glasgowsteven · 23/01/2014 13:10

I think Annie may mean her parents are worried that us men will be unable to restrain ourselves and rape her as she is soooo pretty!

Apologies if wrong

PuppyMonkey · 23/01/2014 13:22

Why can't they do their boyfriend/girlfriend thing at HER house if its such a worry for her to get home from yours?

But also, yes, she sounds like a nightmare, tell your son to LTB Grin

5Foot5 · 23/01/2014 13:25

Just re-read your OP..

Anyway,they are not happy with her walking home from here even if DS goes with her - especially in the dark but transpires they are not even happy with her walking in broad daylight.

Jaw drops!!

An 18 yo who can't walk 5 minutes in broad daylight? DD was doing more than that to take herself to school in Y6.

And as for never having used public transport without her parents? Words almost fail.

Why not have a quiet word with your DS and get him to tell her that you won't be giving lifts anymore so either she has to be happy with him walking her home or make her own arrangements. After all they are the totally bonkers family so it is not on that you should be put out to enable their bonkersness

5Foot5 · 23/01/2014 13:27

Walking them home is a good idea - then it happens under your time scale

No it's not! For reasons above it is enabling the girl's parents' extreme daftness. Why should OP accomodate this?

ZingSweetApple · 23/01/2014 13:32

5foot

exactly. DS2 & DS3 (aged 10 and 9) walk home most days from school. about 10 mins.

as do loads of their friends.

To me it's incomprehensible that an 18-year-old is not allowed something that is normal for kids in junior school!
(obviously we are not talking about SN)

if every person (in the UK alone) who finds this ridiculous paid a pound to me I'd become a millionaire overnight

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