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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that two 18 yr olds can walk for 5 minutes

218 replies

YeahRightWhatever · 22/01/2014 19:20

DS has a new g/f who lives about 5 minutes walk away, on busy-ish roads, well-lit etc. Her parents are really over-protective IMO, she is driven everywhere and has never been on a bus or a train on her own or even with friends. Anyway,they are not happy with her walking home from here even if DS goes with her - especially in the dark but transpires they are not even happy with her walking in broad daylight. We live in a very average town in the shires with no particular crime issues. My DDs (now in 20s) were allowed much more freedom at the same age. So whenever she is here either we have to drive her home, which means we can never have a glass of wine, and frankly I resent starting the car for such a short trip or she has to get one of her parents to collect her, and depending on what they're doing there can be quite a delay, and a few times now this has impinged on our own arrangements. Overall this is starting to really annoy me - they are 18 FGS. Am reluctant to rock the boat as gf is lovely. AIBU to think they are being ridiculous? But even if IANBU I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 23/01/2014 06:51

Yabu to go along with this shit.

Bet she goes wild at uni Grin

JessieMcJessie · 23/01/2014 06:55

Once again, Bohemian, beginning a piece of advice with "If finances permit" cannot in any way be read as "a wild assumption that money is endless". Anyway, my family were not especially well off and I got driving lessons at 17 and was insured on my Mum's little car as soon as I passed. That was common amongst my (comprehensive) school friends. The OP says she lives in a nice area, I am hardly suggesting she start wiping her arse with gold leaf.

Some people have money, some are less well off. Are you suggesting that no advice should be given here if it costs money, just because SOME Mumsnetters won't be able to afford to follow it? You need to get rid of that chip from your shoulder.

TicTacZebra · 23/01/2014 06:56

Im surprised they 'allow' her to have a boyfriend tbh.

ivykaty44 · 23/01/2014 06:58

I don't pay my DDS taxi fair - she does so I get 350miles from £35 worth of fuel and it is much cheaper for me if dd gets a taxi and pays her own way in life now she is an adult. I don't get a choice in when DDS goes out and consequently have my own life that might mean I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for a phone calk to give DDS a lift somewhere.

I have though been at home idle when it has been raining and DDS has asked for a lift to work, I have driven her in, but it certainly not the norm, she walks or arranges her own transport

FrauMoose · 23/01/2014 07:07

Ultra-protective parenting does quite often result in less mature young people. My neighbours over the road are a two car family, the father is the type who can be manipulated rather easily and the girls (16 to early twenties) are good at getting him to pick them up all the time. Two of them were still very unconfident about doing simple journeys by public transport by their late teens because they were used to being chauffeured everywhere.

The oldest one in particular has had real difficulties at university over money, her studies etc partly because she was so used to an easy life, with other people sorting difficulties for her. She took no heed of lecturers warning her that she'd not done enough work. (I don't know if she assumed that they were just trying it on and/or they would end up doing it for her.) After two years she was told she would not be allowed to continue, and her only option if she wanted a degree was to repeat the course all over again.

She's now at home doing just that. It has turned out to be a very expensive business, and the parents who'd expected to have a bit more space in the house have found the situation quite frustrating.

BohemianGirl · 23/01/2014 07:08

I got driving lessons at 17 and was insured on my Mum's little car as soon as I passed. That was common amongst my (comprehensive) school friends.

Didn't we all 30 odd years ago (Although I had my own beetle) - have you looked at car insurance lately? for a 17yo on a 2nd hand fiat phutt phutt? Its in the region of 3K. I fully accept some people have 3K laying around in the biscuit tin but many don't. |

Compare that to my insurance of £120 per annum in 1983 which was about a weeks salary - to 3K. now if you are telling me 3K is the average salary per week for a 17yo then I'd like that job please.

ivykaty44 · 23/01/2014 07:38

If you act like a free cash dispenser giving lifts your DC will not need to pay extortionet CSR insurance

Grennie · 23/01/2014 07:51

Blimey, 30 odd years ago none of my friends had paid driving lessons. We had to get a job for that. But then it was a poor area.

merrymouse · 23/01/2014 07:52

Have you talked much to the parents OP?

I think this is beyond getting a grip and must be about somebody's extreme anxiety/an incident in the past. Don't think it can be cultural or they wouldn't be happy about the boyfriend.

To have never gone anywhere without an adult (or in this case older adult) at 18 means a very, very restricted life.

Grennie · 23/01/2014 08:09

And the strong possibility that this young woman is going to struggle to live an independent life.

Onesie · 23/01/2014 08:14

Can't your son walk her home? I'd really push for that

whatever5 · 23/01/2014 08:19

Obviously YANBU. On the other hand this situation probably has nothing to do with her age and her parents will feel the same when she is 30. Something may have triggered one or both of her parent's anxiety and I feel sorry for them. Are they from the UK?

It's not your problem though or your business. Don't get involved with lifts. She should ask your son to walk her home or phone her parents for a lift.

Grennie · 23/01/2014 08:20

I wouldn't even push for that. I think I would be saying that this young woman is an adult. How she gets home is something she needs to figure out herself, but you won't be giving her lifts.

I know this sounds very harsh, but in a sense you are simply enabling her parents to continue to treat her like a very young child. You can't change their behaviour, you can change yours.

TamerB · 23/01/2014 08:33

I agree Grennie, it isn't OP's problem so don't take it on. If you do you are just enabling the girl's parents in their controlling behaviour.

BiddyPop · 23/01/2014 08:34

I've only read page 1 yet, but if both are 18, could one or both not learn to drive? Particularly the gf, as it's her parents imposing the rules. But I think all 18 year olds should learn as an important life skill, and become the taxi drivers for a couple of years before complete independence arrives. Taxi for you and dh I mean.

BiddyPop · 23/01/2014 08:39

Bohemian, yes there was extra money needed for insurance, but my dad taught all 6 of us to drive and we only had 1 paid lesson each when the test was coming up. I know it's stricter now but you can still have a lot of "practise" with parents etc which ekes out costs.

DowntonTrout · 23/01/2014 08:41

I think what her parents choose to do and how they treat her is their business, albeit, in my opinion, they are not doing their DD any favours and sound ridiculously over protective.

I would not get drawn into that though because what you do is your business and if you are more relaxed ( and very sensible by the sound of it) then let the 18yos get on with it and if her parents don't like it, it's for them to do the running about.

My 12 yo crosses London by herself and does a 200 mile train journey twice a week. I'm probably not best placed to speculate on what is normal,because that is normal for us and wouldn't be for many.

dozeydoris · 23/01/2014 08:43

I got my DCs driving lessons as soon as they were 17 (because I didn't learn until much later in life and it was harder then imo) so they drove each other around as soon as old enough.

Tell the DPs that DS is having lessons and he will drive her around when he has passed Grin

This sort of thing really pees me off as it sort of implies that they are supercaring DPs whilst you are a bit off hand Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Grennie · 23/01/2014 08:44

I totally agree, let them get on with it, refuse to be involved.

fanoftheinvisibleman · 23/01/2014 08:55

Ummm why are her parents ridiculous expectations becoming your problem? If they don't want her walking, they come and get her!

I do finf it utterly ridiculous as a non driver how dependent people are in driving/being driven. I was walking home from my friends at night from 13 onwards. Ds will be doing the same, he won't always have an option.

But, without any offence to anyone here, it is only drivers who have ever said to me that not driving limits your life as you can't go anywhere. I have legs and the ability to read timetables, I am not incapacitated in any way! Far from it, I do well in excess of my 10,0000 steps a day!

motherinferior · 23/01/2014 09:00

'Not everyone wants to mix with joe-public on transport.'

Eh? Eh????

For one thing this is a five minute walk, along well-lit roads. For another, I haven't contracted any hideous diseases or been robbed at knife-point doing a short urban busride.

Grennie · 23/01/2014 09:02

If you want to be so ridiculous as never to use public transport fine. Just don't expect others to give you lifts though.

bigTillyMint · 23/01/2014 09:08

What? They need to learn to drive to make a journey that takes 5mins on foot????

redskyatnight · 23/01/2014 09:11

Oh dear. This reminds me of my own incredibly overprotective parents. I still remember incredibly clearly many occasions when my father would turn up at a friend's house to take me home because apparently it wasn't safe for me to manage the short journey on my own. The last of these times I was 19, and was living at my parents during university summer holidays, having lived away from home for the previous year.

I suspect if OP refuses to sort out lifts, GF's parents will start behaving like mine (does GF like it? As a teenager I was moritifed that my parents were always turning up to collect me). Which of course is not OP's problem, but I am pitying the poor girl ...

BookroomRed · 23/01/2014 09:30

Next time she comes over, both of you have a glass of wine and say casually 'As you can see, we can't give you a lift tonight' and let her get on with it. She sounds very passive and as though she's curiously content with being babied. I can't imagine being her age and not on fire for independence. I don't think it's a driving/non- driving issue, it's a matter of considering yourself an independent individual who is responsible for their own travel arrangements!