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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry with DH on his return from registering the birth of DC2?

244 replies

PetiteMum · 17/01/2014 21:36

Ok it's not anger, I'm actually livid. We both decided on first middle and surname of our gorgeous DD. Now MIL has mentioned a name that I was not keen on. DH did not mention that name at all..... Lo and behold he returns from the register office with a certificate bearing two middle names... He put in the name that MIL mentioned as a second middle name!

I was so angry that he did this without consulting me that I called the office straight away and will be deleting the extra name, which he said ok to after seeing my reaction.

It's the principle of the matter! Who did you have the child with? Me! Who suffered 3 days of induced back to back labour with just gas and air? Me!

I'm so mad I can't think straight. I'm not talking to him at the moment and don't know what to say, if anything.

OP posts:

tilliebob · 18/01/2014 10:33

My FIL did this with my DH. He registered his Christian and Middle names the wrong way around, so DH had the same first name as FIL. He still maintains over 40 years later that he just got muddled, but regardless, DH has always been known by his middle name. If someone rings and asks for DH by his real first name, I automatically assume they are looking for his father!

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 18/01/2014 10:37

OP I need to know the name. I think we all do. Then delete?!

And YANBU- I'd be going ballistico with him. And the mother- I would need to tell her personally that the name had been deleted just to watch her face. Admittedly not v mature...

Do your parents know what happened?

EirikurNoromaour · 18/01/2014 10:51

The reason that married people can register a child alone and name their spouse as the other parent has nothing to do with who has the right to choose the name FFS, it's to ensure that babies have accurate (as far as possible) parents listed on their birth certificate. Married people are presumed to both be the parents of a child born within the marriage, so either parent can register the child. Unmarried people aren't. Can't you imagine people putting any old father/mother down and pursuing for child support? A nightmare to sort out through the courts and DNA tests. Whereas marriage presupposes a connection to the spouse and by extension child.

EirikurNoromaour · 18/01/2014 10:52

Men don't feel as strongly about names as women do? Are you for real? Who do you think the vast majority of babies still have their fathers' surnames?

phantomnamechanger · 18/01/2014 10:53

My nana has 4 forenames on her birth cert. but is not known by them.
Say her name is A B C D Surname. She is known on everything even bank details etc as B A Surname.

A friend agreed to her DDs second middle name being something chosen by the MIL, from her OH culture. They do not use this name on any forms - friend says she can't even pronounce the name (its African ) and it has about 15 letters so will never fit on forms anyway! She sees that as win win. MIL & DP happy, but name never acknowledged or used.

phantomnamechanger · 18/01/2014 10:57

Eirik thank goodness, I thought it was just me who could see this! There is a difference between saying "men cant be trusted to go alone to register because they might forget the name/cock up the spelling/pick a sudden random name without the mothers say so" and "unmarried couples must both be present to register the birth to avoid fraudulent registrations as much as is possible without DNA tests".

limitedperiodonly · 18/01/2014 11:08

I know someone whose mother chose the name Beulah after a character in a book.

The father wasn't fussed so long as his wife was happy. He registered it but couldn't spell it so he guessed and she's called Bulla.

I always wondered why he didn't write it down or ask the Registrar or why the Registrar didn't tactfully say: 'That's an unusual name. How do you pronounce it?'

I quite like Beulah. Bulla, not so much

pictish · 18/01/2014 11:20

I think you're hell bent on turning this into something huge, when it doesn't have to be.

He shouldn't have done it. We all agree on that. Really though, it's an extra pointless middle name, it's not the end of the world. He probably didn't think it mattered that much, and you know what? He's right - it doesn't. Middle names are nothing but a bloody faff anyway. All they're good for is taking that bit longer to fill out official forms as an adult.

You can fix it easily, and will do so, so to be honest with you, I think all this business of keeping the offence going on and on is very silly and needless. There's no need for it. You have made your displeasure more than clear now, so let it go.

diddl · 18/01/2014 11:26

Well it would be huge for me if my MIL had a say in the naming of our child tbh.

She had her go!

pictish · 18/01/2014 11:33

Yes there is nothing more utterly dreadful than a mil having an opinion, is there?
Btw - there is nothing here to suggest he did this under his mil's instruction. As far as it reads, he took this decision himself. He may well have wished to appease her, but she wasn't standing over him demanding that he do so.

No need to turn this into yet another tiresome mil bashing issue.

hickorychicken · 18/01/2014 11:41

What a nobby thing to do. If my dp had done thst it wouldnt have pissed me off as much had it been dps choice rather the MIL!!
My dps grandad went to register dps dad as brad, he is called brett. He was pissed and they LET HIM write it down for them!!! Personally much prefer brett haha

HelgatheHairy · 18/01/2014 11:42

Sorry phone acting up

HelgatheHairy · 18/01/2014 11:43

friend registering before leaving hospital isn't true for every hospital in ROI. I had DD in August and it wasn't an option. DH went and registered her a few days later.

pictish · 18/01/2014 11:48

Wee story...just for the sake of it.

When my mum was born, my grandmother had decided on the name Muriel for her.

When my grandfather went to register the birth with the local vicar, as was the way in those days, the vicar said in passing "Do you know....if I had a little girl, I'd call her Flora. I think it's a lovely name."

My grandfather paused and replied "Yes...I like that too. Just put that down instead."

So there you have it...that is how my mother came to be Flora rather than Muriel. A fact for which she was eternally grateful.

I have no doubt my grandmother was absolutely livid at the time....

MillyONaire · 18/01/2014 11:48

Really? It's a middle name and a second middle name at that! When are you ever going to hear it??? IMO middle names are for keeping the in laws happy - first names are the important ones. My dh picked an awful second name for our first baby ,well he wanted it as a first name but I used the " Who suffered..." card for over-riding him on that one but she's not just my baby - she's his too and his mothers grandchild so who am I to have it my way on all names??? Anyway, while dd and I have come to love her very unusual probably unique second name, dh hates it!! He hates us using it. Such irony!
I really wouldn't lose sleep over your baby's second middle name - it seems irrational to be so upset and controlling over it.
YABU

ALittleStranger · 18/01/2014 11:55

Goodness I cannot believe people have actually found a way to claim the OP is BU. I am flabbergasted at the DH.

pictish · 18/01/2014 11:56

I agree with you Milly but it seems we are in perspective corner, quietly on our own.

Everyone else is storming the streets waving their MOTHER RULES ALL placards.

The fact that it is to be fixed isn't the point. He went against the mother's authority, and must pay.

Or something. Fuck knows.

Dillydollydaydream · 18/01/2014 12:03

Least it was a second middle name not her first name I guess.
My grandad was called Jhon after a misspelling on his birth certificate.

limitedperiodonly · 18/01/2014 12:03

Coronation Street fact: Tracy Barlow was going to be called Lynette Langton but her dad, Ray Langton, thought it sounded silly.

Deirdre was livid. They got a few episodes' worth of drama out of that.

pictish · 18/01/2014 12:03

I mean seriously - how jumped up can anyone get over a second middle name?
A name that will never ever be used, other than on official forms.

Storm in a bloody teacup.

DowntonTrout · 18/01/2014 12:04

I knew someone once whose father was on his way to register the birth when he stopped at the newsagents. There was a story in the papers about .......the fattest woman in the world ( or some such nonsense- this is over 40 years ago).
The aforesaid woman had the very same name as they had chosen for their DD and the father immediately decided he could not now use that name. And so, she was registered with a completely different name- without prior consultation of the mother. I don't know how the mother reacted to that though.

curlew · 18/01/2014 12:10

If he had substituted one of the names you had chosen then I would be with you.

But adding an extra one? Non event, surely?

WhirlyDog · 18/01/2014 12:10

YANBU OP. Would love to know the name though.

My friend's birth was registered on the wrong day. His dad screwed it up at the reg office.

So he has two birthdays - the one he was actually born on, and the day he was registered as being born on. They're a couple of days apart.

hickorychicken · 18/01/2014 12:11

Its not about the use of the name, its the principle! They had already decided together...
If it was a woman who had gone behind dh's back it would still be shitty! So no mothers do not rule all.

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