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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be cross with friend for making my DS cry?

229 replies

revealall · 13/01/2014 22:52

So it's my birthday at the end of the week. I am a single parent with DS in year 5. I have plenty of family,friends and work colleagues to celebrate with and it's not a "big" birthday.

The friend in question is a bit controlling but means well and has a DS in the year below. Before Christmas (every year) she offers to take my son out shopping so he can buy me a present. Every year I say no as my son has never brought up the subject of shopping and I would rather have the home or school offerings he brings me.

Today she asks if my DS wants a playdate with her DS. I say yes and when I pick him up there is a gift bag and lots of theatrical winking and shushing. DS later proudly says that he has a surprise for my birthday.

Cut to bedtime and after going up to clean his teeth, I find DS in bed in floods of tears. He doesn't want to tell me why. He eventually tells me that I already have the present he brought and that I don't even like it because it hasn't been used. I look in the bathroom and sure enough there is one of those 3 for 2 Boots bath sets of a brand I don't really like. Guess what...it's exactly the one the friend in question brought me for Christmas.

What do I do? I feel bad for DS as he wanted to buy me something special from him. He said the friend said I like the brand but apart from a polite "thank you" I have never said I like it (because I don't).Despite saying how nice bath stuff is to have, he isn't stupid.He knows I haven't used the first one for a reason.I'm very cross with friend for causing this situation.I have always said I don't want brought stuff from DS and then she makes him buy me the same thing she got me? Should I be cross or am I ungrateful?

OP posts:
LucilleBluth · 14/01/2014 17:52

YABU and odd. My 10 yo DS wouldn't know what the heck is in my bathroom, what had been used and what a measly smelly set looks like.......he frequently washes his hair with shower gel if the shampoo is slightly out of view.......he will come downstairs after a shower still foaming........ You must teach him to laugh things off.

pigletmania · 14/01/2014 17:53

Tinier it was nobodies fault he w as crying, op ds sounds very sensitive. He might well have had the same reaction if he went out with his dad and bought the set

pigletmania · 14/01/2014 17:55

A bit of an an overreaction from op ds, so what mum had another one, mabey she likes them!

breatheslowly · 14/01/2014 18:10

YANBU to a certain extent. Your friend didn't actually make your DS cry. But she was interfering and needs to back off.

I'm curious, is she a single parent?

JessieMcJessie · 14/01/2014 18:11

Anyone else thinking of young Nicholas Hoult in About a Boy with the woolly hat on? Poor kid probably really hates making handmade shit for you and wishes you'd just smile and act grateful for a Sanctuary body lotion like his friends' Mums. Are you vegetarian by any chance?

JimmyChooChoo · 14/01/2014 18:54

Jessie Grin

LucilleBluth · 14/01/2014 19:08

Jessie......that's one of favourite films Grin pictures the OP and her DS at the piano with their eyes closed

deadduck · 14/01/2014 19:26

sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but little is totally spot on. It really doesn't matter what you got, it's a nice thought your friend had and it's all about what you tell your DS

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/01/2014 19:51

I don't think there's any point lying to him and saying you like the stuff. The time to do that was when he found it.

Can you exchange it at the shop, then let him choose something else for you? If you can go in when the shops are quiet you might find a sales assistant to help him to keep it a surprise? Or ask a friend to take him?

QuintessentialShadows · 14/01/2014 19:59

You are SO not BU.

She meant well. But of course you are upset, your CHILD is upset. She gave him a left over bogoff/2f3 present from Boots, told him you would love it, and even he realize you dont because you have it, unused, in your own bathroom.

But she did mean well.

Look, I give my kids £10 to buy my present with. I go for a coffee at the shopping center, they go and get my gift. They love it. (I am not a single mum, but my dh does not realize Christmas exist)

QuintessentialShadows · 14/01/2014 20:01

In your shoes, I would call friend and ask if she would mind exchanging the present as you got an identical one for Christmas, and ds is upset to have given you a second set. With any luck, the tradition will stop. Wink

Lilacroses · 14/01/2014 20:06

I don't understand your feeling annoyed at all really. I sort of get the not wanting your friend to take your DS shopping and I suppose it IS frustrating that she ignored that but the intention was nice. The mishap with the pressie isn't something for your son to be upset about, it doesn't change the kind thought.

strongurgetofly · 14/01/2014 20:11

I haven't read the whole thread but honestly op you should have told a little white lie and said you haven't used it yet because it's your favourite product and you save it for best and now you feel really happy because you have two lots. Don't let him be upset about it although it's probably too late because it doesn't sound as though you tried to reassure him unless I missed that part...

limitedperiodonly · 14/01/2014 20:14

Are you people advising her to ask for the receipt so she can exchange the present insane?

She will look like a cheap arsehole.

Just let it go, OP.

Wherever you are

SofiaAmes · 14/01/2014 20:23

I can't believe how many people here are telling the OP that she should value a not very good friend's feelings above those of her ds. And that on top of that she should lie to a 10 year old who very clearly is intuitive enough about the world around him that he would know that she is lying. And why on earth would she want to teach her ds to be insensitive and unobservant and to laugh things off?

Queeniethecorgi · 14/01/2014 20:38

Jessie, that's a really spiteful comment.

I'm vegetarian and I hate receiving crappy toiletry presents. I'm pretty fucking cool, thanks very much.

Do you make a habit of bullying people who think differently to you?

JimmyChooChoo · 14/01/2014 21:03

Queen- Jessie was joking ! Wow. Can't believe you can take offence to that

Fwiw I'm a vegetarian and her comment didn't bother me in the slightest

whois · 14/01/2014 21:30

queen joke, playing up the situation in about a boy! Not actually saying all veggies are strange hippies.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 14/01/2014 23:08

Have you guys telling OP she is NBU realised that the friend. Paid. For. The. Pressie? Surely her DS could have done his own thing too had he wanted to? He didn't.
and really to ask for the gift receipt??

JessieMcJessie · 15/01/2014 09:12

Of course I was joking, based on the film. One of my all time favourites. However QueenieI am afraid that you have now confirmed the stereotype of the earnest vegetarian Grin

I am genuinely interested to know if the OP has checked whether her son actually still enjoys handmaking her presents.

Lovecat · 16/01/2014 09:35

Yes Zombies, she paid for the present. Because it was something she wanted to do. Because SHE appointed herself as someone who knows better than the OP. To make herself feel good.

Yes ask for the gift receipt - it doesn't make her tight, it gives her DS a chance to get something for her that she might actually like, if indeed he does want to buy her a present. To. Help. His. Being. So. Upset.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 16/01/2014 10:53

.. But what was stopping her son from making his own pressie for her? It's not like the friend told him "don't you dare spend a few hours making a card for your mother- this is the only present you are allowed to give her".
If at the age if ten a friend of my mother's had commandeered me and got a present for me to give my mother, I would not have let her stop me from making my mother a card or topping up the gift in my own way.
And if I had not done that, my mother would have gone to pains to make sure I understood she loved my gift and maybe the following year would have broadly hinted along the lines of "I love when you make x for me".

Lovecat · 16/01/2014 14:02

Did you miss the bit in the OP when she says it's not actually her birthday until the end of the week?

It's entirely likely that he was waiting til nearer the date to make her something, instead of which the 'friend' takes him out and buys a gift 'from' him, which he realises that same night is the same as the unused toiletries in her bathroom.

She said nothing to him about the gift to upset him, he was already upset and she found out why.

As the OP's disappeared it's unlikely we'll ever find out if her DS did make her something instead over the course of this week, because I doubt she stopped him from doing so if he still wanted. It was the upset on that day, at that time due to the actions of her 'friend' that she was cross about.

I'm sure the DS was pleased and proud to have got his mum a gift and done something a bit differently, it was the realisation that it wasn't something she liked/wanted that upset him, not anything the OP did/said.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 16/01/2014 21:30

Why is it "instead of" Lovecat?? That's what I can't understand

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 16/01/2014 21:34

Understood that he was upset on that date. But she financed the gift, it was presumably a top up to his own gift.
If the friend had not stepped in then the question of the additional gift would not have arisen.
Shouldn't the child be told that "x friend chose it but she doesn't know me as well as you" or something along those lines?
What I am failing to understand is that this is a scenario where the friend did not take her son, and make him spend his savings or pocket money on the toiletries.
So it's as good as a gift from the friend.
What am I missing here??