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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with friend for making my DS cry?

229 replies

revealall · 13/01/2014 22:52

So it's my birthday at the end of the week. I am a single parent with DS in year 5. I have plenty of family,friends and work colleagues to celebrate with and it's not a "big" birthday.

The friend in question is a bit controlling but means well and has a DS in the year below. Before Christmas (every year) she offers to take my son out shopping so he can buy me a present. Every year I say no as my son has never brought up the subject of shopping and I would rather have the home or school offerings he brings me.

Today she asks if my DS wants a playdate with her DS. I say yes and when I pick him up there is a gift bag and lots of theatrical winking and shushing. DS later proudly says that he has a surprise for my birthday.

Cut to bedtime and after going up to clean his teeth, I find DS in bed in floods of tears. He doesn't want to tell me why. He eventually tells me that I already have the present he brought and that I don't even like it because it hasn't been used. I look in the bathroom and sure enough there is one of those 3 for 2 Boots bath sets of a brand I don't really like. Guess what...it's exactly the one the friend in question brought me for Christmas.

What do I do? I feel bad for DS as he wanted to buy me something special from him. He said the friend said I like the brand but apart from a polite "thank you" I have never said I like it (because I don't).Despite saying how nice bath stuff is to have, he isn't stupid.He knows I haven't used the first one for a reason.I'm very cross with friend for causing this situation.I have always said I don't want brought stuff from DS and then she makes him buy me the same thing she got me? Should I be cross or am I ungrateful?

OP posts:
JimmyChooChoo · 14/01/2014 14:34

If you can't explain what you say then that isn't my fault.

It was a daft to say.

CailinDana · 14/01/2014 14:36

Ok Jimmy.

JimmyChooChoo · 14/01/2014 14:36
  • thing to say

See your daftness is rubbing off on me Grin

Beeyump · 14/01/2014 14:39
CailinDana · 14/01/2014 14:40

Yes that must be it.

lecce · 14/01/2014 14:57

While I do agree that the friend was wrong to go ahead with the shopping trip after that OP had told her not to, and I do think people who do this sort of thing are often trying to make themselves look or feel good, rather than simply be kind, I still think YABU.

If the focus of the thread was the friend going against the OP's wishes, I would give a different answer, but I think his tears are more to do with the OP's reaction, or his memory of what she has said previously about the offending item that has really upset him. He was 'proud and happy' when he came back, so the shopping trip itself didn't upset him.

What really gets me is that the fact that the gifts are part of Boots 3 for 2 offer has been mentioned. Why on earth is this relevant? This is what makes the OP sound spoilt and ungrateful imo. It appears that the gift was not good enough to begin with, and the OP is pissed off at having two. I am amazed at the amount of people slating the friend for not giving thoughtful enough gifts, or not remembering what she had given. FFS, are people so precious about they gifts they believe to be fitting to receive?

Ilovexmastime · 14/01/2014 15:07

The op asked if she was being unreasonable to be cross at her friend for making her ds cry. After far as I can see her friend didn't make her ds cry so therefore she is being unreasonable. If her ds had chosen a different present then there would be no need for this thread would there?
Yes, you can take it back to her friend taking her ds out shopping but that wasn't the question.

diddl · 14/01/2014 15:10

If the son did choose the present, I wonder if the friend thought to tell him that that was what she had bought OP for Christmas?

fluffyraggies · 14/01/2014 15:34

''DS later proudly says that he has a surprise for my birthday.''

Seems to me like the son was perfectly happy with the birthday gift buying idea. It IS hard for a ten year old to 'make something' for a parent. He's not 4 or 5 anymore. This is the age when they start to grow up and want to give grown up presents. They see that Auntie X and Uncle Z don't try to make a ''cotton wool ball holder'' or something for his mum as a gift, and he they want to go out and choose something 'real' as well.

OP, as you pointed out earlier, you indeed haven't told us what you said to your son when you found him cying - that's why lots of posters are saying ''tell him this, tell him that, to make him feel better''.

If you have made him feel better then the only issue left is your friend.

I think she meant well.

pigletmania · 14/01/2014 15:39

Exactly lecce would op have had that reaction if the gift was a Christian Dior bath set mmmmm. Ds was happy with the gift he bought his mum, he was not distressed with the shopping trip, it might have been op reaction to the tuft that upset him. Yes they are at that age where they want to give grown up gifts to their parents, nit a toilet toll dinosaur!

fluffyraggies · 14/01/2014 15:39

btw it wasn't Bayliss and Harding was it? I hate that bloody stuff.

(MIL keeps buying me shed loads of this for b.days and xmas', i always grin and say 'lovely, thank you' and now low and behold DD2 has started buying it for me! Arrgghh! How to get out of that?)

pigletmania · 14/01/2014 15:40

Toilet roll doh

Only1scoop · 14/01/2014 15:43

Think her intentions were from a good place. I couldn't be mad about that.

Only1scoop · 14/01/2014 15:44

Also don't quite see how she 'made your ds cry'.

Greenmug · 14/01/2014 16:01

I think you're being ridiculous. I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell your lad that you haven't used it yet because you've still got some to use up before you open it. It's only a big deal because you're making it one.

Tabliope · 14/01/2014 17:00

It would have irritated me too. It's hard to explain but I feel she's a bit of a busybody but with good intentions but that's still annoying.

You probably would have been happy if your son had gone off and bought a present for you independently - his idea and his choice, maybe with £5 savings but she's put the idea in his head, even though he probably wanted to do it, and obviously told him what to get too so to me that alone would take the joy out of it. It's like she's saying she knows best and yes you must have a present as you work so hard. Just another typical situation of someone projecting their needs and wants on to you.

I have a friend like this. She's always worrying about me working too hard and being stressed. She often says go and relax in a bath. I tell her I don't particularly like baths - they make me so tired and I don't relax much. She bought me all bath products for Xmas. She thinks she's being nice and caring - which she is, she's lovely - but she's not listening to me and I feel she's trying to control me even though it's with the best of intentions.

happyscouse · 14/01/2014 17:20

Some of these posts are laughable. All these nice people buying you stuff caring about you, your children trying to do a tiny gesture that they think may make you happy. But no! they are all controlling busybodies!
Yes Op YABU and as a mother of a ten year old boy I find the fact that he cried over this( when surely you would have acted delighted with the gift) incredible.

JimmyChooChoo · 14/01/2014 17:27

happyscouse - absolutely! I just can't get my head that there are people like this in RL! Imagine OP's friend saw this thread? How spiteful, ungrateful and hurtful? There are some people don't deserve lovely friends.

HelloBoys · 14/01/2014 17:32

he's 5 - is he really that self aware, of feelings/brand names etc?

I'd be retraining him re brand names TBH.

a 10 year old girl I know who's precocious (not my words) got given some bath fizzies for her birthday some cute Boots brand and she just yelled yay bath salt fizzies to her mum - no idea of the brand!

happyscouse · 14/01/2014 17:34

Yes Jimmy, I always think the saddest posts on MN are from people who need some support but have got no one to turn to. I am 50 later this year I have told friends and family no surprises, but you know what they probably still will... and I will suck it up because it will come from a kind loving generous place!

HelloBoys · 14/01/2014 17:35

sorry I thought he was 5, he's 10.

I sort of see your point then so apologies...

but at the end of the day it's really no biggie. mention it to friend if you have to but be prepared for cat's bum mouth.

scuttles away in humiliation

HelloBoys · 14/01/2014 17:36

happyscouse - there are 10 year old boys and 10 year old boys perhaps he's sensitive?

perhaps he sees presents and what's attached to them to have some meaning? eg materially etc?

no idea

HelloBoys · 14/01/2014 17:42

It sounds as though this friend isn't close and TBH 2 sets the same?!

She'd have to be a bit dumb, silly not to realise it was the same gift. If she IS controlling then there may be something behind this, you NEVER know.

I don't know what I'd do OP. for your son, if you lie he'll know, but I do think he's being a tad oversensitive about this and you should reassure/calm him down.

and maybe a word to the friend not to do this in future as its caused an 8 page thread on MN with me contributing a few posts

tinierclanger · 14/01/2014 17:46

Can I just point out to people saying the tears were the fault of OP's reaction; she found him crying because he discovered she already had the set. He hadn't even given it to her at that point.

JimmyChooChoo · 14/01/2014 17:50

tinier- so say that was the case then why is it OP's friends fault that he was crying? Oh wait I know she's a 'horrible' friend because she kindly tried to show a lovely gesture by thinking of her friend and getting her little boy and gift to give to his mum! Seriously give me strength!

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